Good Morning,

I hope everyone had a good evening. We have another day now for feeling better and healing the hurts.

I had an uneventful evening. Didn't talk to anyone, except Samson, all afternoon and night. I did get a bit sad at bedtime when I got to remembering things that we did. Odd to me, as a BS all I can seem to remember is good times, and my STBXW, as the WS, can only remember the bad.

I thought my D hearing was set for today, but I found out yesterday that my lawyer is not sure when it will be. Hopefully this month.

Let me know how everyone is today.

Morning Tired. Last night was uneventful. I came home and worked on getting stuff together for taxes. H came home late as usual, was in a bad mood. Wanted to talk. I didn't. He demanded to know the name of the person that made that comment to me yesterday. I didn't tell him and I won't. It's not that persons fault, I honestly don't think that he meant any harm by saying what he did yesterday, but then again, even though I barely know the man he does come across as a smartass and very mouthy. I don't know. I doesn't really matter.

H kept saying "what is it that I've supposedly done" "what is it that I've supposedly said", I told him, it didn't really matter anymore and that he'd just deny everything anyway. I told him "if you say you aint said or done nothing then I believe you". He said "if ive done or said something then I'd tell you the truth". I know that's a lie. He can't tell the truth about anything. i told him again that I was sorry I even sent the email to him and I knew I shoudnt have. I will never send him another email again unless I have to. Never.

I told him that whatever people came up to me and say from now on is my problem. And it is. It's something I'm going to have to deal with becasue it's gonna happen whether I like it or not. So I might as well get used to it.

So, basically we spent the evening not talking to each other. Watched a little TV AND then went to bed.

I'm miserable again today. I'm just full of negative thoughts, I'm not motivated to do anything. Very aggravated and withdrawn. I don't like being this way. I'm generally a very happy person, always joking and laughing, cutting up with people. I don't like being this way. It's not who I am.

Last night, my H said to me "Do you actually think that I go around telling people that I'm getting a D? Do you think I go around telling people the circumstances behind it like I'm proud of it?" I just shrugged my shoulders. I know that he WOULD do that, but I basically just agreed with him that he wouldn't do that becuase I didn't want to arue. Then I looked at him and said "Honey, I look at you sometimes, and I don't know who you are" This upset him. i told him that's not necessarily a bad thing. Trying to redeem myself. I just told him he needs to do the things that makes him happy. And if changing himself makes him happy then that's what he needs to do.

He has changed so much. In the last two years he has changed what type of clothes he wears, the music he listens to, his language. He has just changed so much.

I'm just tired of fighting with him so I just try to agree with him to avoid the conversation.

It's odd that you mentioned a change in clothes, music and language. I noticed my STBXW starting to dress "younger" and listen to the latest music and saying new sayings that I had never heard before. She used to always ask me if I liked a new song or her new clothes, but once the attraction started with OP, she stopped doing all of that. I would find a CD of a new musical group and ask who it was, and she would just say "It's mine". I got to where I didn't recognize her either.

I'm sorry that you feel bad today. I am a lot like you, in that I always liked joking and laughing with people. I haven't felt like that since last May. I hope it comes back because I used to enjoy life so much.

The same with my H. Dresses "younger" now. The thing that makes me sick though, is that I knew of his "new" taste in his wardrobe so when I would buy him something, I'd buy something that fit into his "new" wardrobe. Not his old one. But I did do something mean. I went through his closet and got rid of everything that I ever purchased for him on my own except for a few things. He literally has no shoes in his closet except for his dress shoes, a pair of tennis shoes, and one pair of flip-flops. That was mean wasn't it? In a way I felt bad about it...but in a way it didn't.

I know that was childish for me to do. But he had made some comments that would suggest that he was going to get rid of everything anyway. So I just helped him. His brother has always been real good about going out and buying my H expensive suits and several knew wardrobes at a time. So I'm sure on his net trip to visit him he'll take him out and buy him all new clothes and shoes. He has done this before. I find it very odd. I could see two sisters doing that. But not two brothers. I can't imagine my two brothers saying "hey come on brother lets go shopping and I'll buy you some new clothes".

Now that I think about it. Maybe it wasn't his brother didn't buy him those clothes afterall. It just came to me one time H came in with about $400.00 worth of new clothes. Where did this come from? ***** bought this for me. he says.

A couple days later, H had on one of the shirts. We were in the presence of H brother and I said "I like that shirt you bought H". Brother says "what shirt". I say, "the one he has on". He had a funny look on his face.

I understand what you are saying about the changes we saw in our spouses. For me, my STBXWH reverted back to who he was in his early 20s. A man I repeatedly told him I would not have been attracted to. He seems to be searching for a new identity for himself that he recognizes and makes him comfortable with again. I don;t think he will ever truly understand that contentment and acceptance comes from within, not from who others see you as.

I am weary of this sadness and want to get on with what ever life still holds for me. Whether that be with someone else or not. I need the same peace and security for my life that I have always craved. Not the high drama and emotional rollercoaster that I have now. I have to accept that I can not change the way I feel about certain core values and still be comfortable with myself, but that if he has, or if I misjudged how he felt, it was a mistake that can not be corrected any longer. I need to accept the growth that comes with this kind of pain and just move on.

Tired41 - I find alot of comfort in your reminders that we will survive this, and I wonder if you would have been so convincing to others had you not had to walk through the same fire. Somehow we will find the strength to laugh again and enjoy life for it's own sake.

Soon, I laughed when you said you took the clothes that you bought. I bought almost everything that my wife owns. She had very little when we got married. I didn't take her clothes back from her, but it does seem odd that when I see her at work and think I bought that complete outfit for her. I always got her whatever she wanted, even things that she would not normally buy because they were too expensive. I would save money up, even my pennies, in order to get her nice things. I did steal some sexy swimwear and underwear that I bought for her. I did not buy that stuff for some other guy to enjoy. She hasn't noticed yet or at least hasn't said anything about it.

Two, I have been and still am walking through this fire. I know that we will make it because we have no other option. We just have to remember to lean on each other and to know that it could always be worse.

Good Morning all,

Ugh, I am so lost/confused/emotional/spent/tired/weak - you name it, I am feeling it.

My H got into things last night, right before he was leaving. I just listened to him basically. He is not happy with me trying to force a decision on him. He said that he really needs time to clear his head. He was SO argumentative & accusatory that I just sat there and listened to him. Can't have an argument if the other person doesn't engage, right? He was also doing all of this in front of DS. He has so many issues he needs to deal with on his own - he seriously needs IC but thinks he does not and does not think anyone can help him right now. He said he has lost trust in absolutely everyone in his life. He thinks the WORLD is against him. He thinks everyone is doing everything against him, including me - including my parents, including our son...and to make matters worse, our son said to him as he was getting ready to leave, "daddy, can you please leave now" - I almost choked. I actually felt sorry for my husband. Then he says "you think I am in some great relationship with MOW, when the truth is, I can't trust ANYONE!" I did not get into anything with him b/c of his state of mind. I just let him yell and rant and rave. He said some pretty mean things too - but I just didn't want to engage him. I asked him if we could talk today, before he goes to pick up DS from school. What I am going to say, I don't know really.

He is sucking me back in - and I think I am just going to say that "I love you - I want this marriage to work - you know that!" I am going to ask him what it is he is doing to "Clear his head" - he needs to take the necessary actions to do that and I know two things off the top of my head. End it with MOW & get some IC. He can't get a clear head while he is still fooling around with her. WE KNOW THIS - BUT HERE I AM BACK AT THIS JUNCTION AGAIN. I am going to tell him that he needs to get himself to the point where one of choices (to stay or leave) no longer makes him feel afraid. I will also say that I don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with me.

Any thoughts guys? We're back at square one again. What am I to do??? My head is pounding.

Hi Thankful. First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "I love you and I want this marriage to work"! I don't think "Tough Love" or any other method would suggest hiding your true feelings. I do feel that it is important to establish some boundaries with that love though. Maybe something like "I love you and want this marriage to work, but, it will take complete devotion by both of us to fix it, and I'm willing, are you?"

The problem with this is that often the fog will have them saying "I don't know" or just saying what you want to hear. This is where the "tough" part comes in. You must determine in your mind if he is serious or not. My STBXW gave me so many "I don't know" answers that I finally figured out that she wasn't committed to our M, and I had to let her go. IT HURTS, but it was the only way.

The main problem with giving in to him is what it does to you psychologically. I'm afraid that you would always feel like a doormat, and I know that doesn't seem that big a deal now in the middle of all this pain, but it will someday. Remember to love hard with all your might, and be proud of how you love, but expect a return on that love or you, like me, will be hurt very badly.

You are a great person with so much to give and you deserve that kind of treatment in return. If he doesn't see that, someone else will.

I agree with Tired. Honestly, I don't like what your H has done again. He has sucked you back in. Thankful, don't let him use you. You are so much better than that.

I read on your other posts that you posted over the weekend and I think that I read one there where you need to set a timeline and continue the tough love. When you reach that deadline then you need to make a decision and stick to it. I just fear that he's using you. Eating his cake. One day he wants you back, then next day he says he just wants his kids back, then he wants you back again.

I just don't get it. I don't want you to hurt anymore becuase you don't deserve this. You are willing to do anything it takes to make your marriage work and what is he doing? Taking his time?

I don't mean to come across in the wrong way. It just makes me so mad that your H can't make up his mind whether he wants you and your family or something that is an illusion.

Thanks guys. I am so confused as to what to do. Bottom line is, I want my husband back. I want my marriage and my family back. I don't want to make him rush this decision, but at the same time I don't know how much I can take emotionally. So I guess I need to get myself back to the mindset of letting him come to the conclusion himself and in the meantime, just go on as if we are not going to be together. Do I make any sense??? Back and forth, back and forth, I feel like I am just running in circles.

I love this man so much. I miss him SO much. I can't believe how badly I feel for him. He seems SO incredibly messed up in the head. He was crying the entire time he was talking to me last night. And most of the stuff that is coming out of his mouth just doesn't even make sense. He was actually mad at me last night because he *thought* that I threw the birthday card out that he gave me, all because he didn't *see* it among my other birthday cards that I had laying on the kitchen island! I said "will you stop it! The card you gave me is upstairs, in my nightstand, if you'd like me to get it!" I just don't understand what is going on in his head. He is so paranoid about everything.

Thankful, all of this is typical. The crying, the anger, all of it. I hate to say this, but sometimes their not making a decision, is a decision.

That's exactly the way I feel, like I'm just running in circles. I get it in my head that it's over and he's never going to want me back...and then he goes and tells me things like the highlight of his day is coming home to me and he still wants to be my H. It makes no sense. That's why when I read the mid life article that Tired sent it made more sense to me. It is everything he's doing to me. I almost know to expect that from him now. And the getting mad at us for stupid stuff. What's that all about? Your M is in shambles and he gets upset with you cause he thought you threw the card away.

I know you miss him. But look at what he's doing to you. I know you want him back but how long can you continue letting him put you through this. He has to make up his mind.

I am a nervous time bomb today. I don't have an appetite at all, I am forcing myself to eat. I have chewed on my fingers so much they are bleeding

I guess I just need to set a timeline in my head. I'm so confused. So tired. Becoming so numb. I wish a frickin light bulb would just go off in his head. I wish God would just do something. I need some direction, some stability. I feel so lost, so empty, like life has no meaning right now. I know I need to take care of ME and my kids. I wish this would all just stop.

He just called. He's trying to get here by 2:30/2:45.

Question:

As I have said earlier, I have been very withdrawn from my H. It's almost as if I don't really care. Which I know is a LB. So, by my acting this way, won't it make it easier for him NOT to miss me when I move out. Maybe I should have a heart to heart talk with myself. I want him to miss me when I move out like the dickens. So maybe I should change my attitude a little.

Soon, I don't think that you should be mean or disrespectful towards to H. Just tough. IMHO, what will really make someone miss you is when they see that they may lose you forever. It's hard to miss someone when you know that they are waiting on you.

Please don't let the tough love theory make you decide to do something your not comfortable with. If you love him and want your M to work, then tell him. Tough love just means that you have conditions for that love to continue. Without those conditions, then he will lose respect for you and the marriage might as well be over. I don't think it means to be withdrawn or spiteful, but rather determined to give your best and expect his best.

I understand. I don't withdraw from him just for spite. I don't do it on purpose. It's just the way I feel. I will try to do better in the next coming weeks. I know in my heart it wont do any good. I won't get my H back. Or atleast the H I want. I don't want who he is now. It all goes back to the fact that I don't want him to be able to say "she was a bit**". So I'd bettter have a change of heart if I want him to remember how I'd have done anthing for him.

We are going to have taxes done tonight. I hope it is a good evening and we can actually have a conversation. Without me being withdrawn or sobbing with no control over it.

I hope everyone has a good evening and I'll talk with you tomorrow. Be praying for us.

Yes - I pray for you. I'm exhausted. Very stressful in all parts of my life. I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. I miss my H and I miss my marriage. I miss someone caring about me, wanting to share their life with me. I have to remember that my H was NOT a great friend to me. He is/was moody. While we are moving stuff out of the house I remember this. He started yelling at me about something silly - and it all came back. He is a yeller, and he is angry and it is doubtful he can change that. My therapist pointed out that my H has taken my concerns very lightly - brushes them off in fact.

So ok I feel terrible and sad. Let this be a lesson to those who think that they will feel better if they chase the thing that brings them momentary joy - an outsider coming into your marriage.

Hi, everyone. I'm new, but am going through a divorce. It is almost a relief to see that yall are feeling the same things that I am. I feel so alone like I'm the only person going through this. I'm 23 and have been married 2 years. When do you know when to quit trying to save your marriage? I moved out for 2 weeks b/c I was unsure of my life. When I came back my husband thought I cheated on him while I was gone and he started verbally abusing me and then having an affair and then he hit me and I called the police, but now I wish I had never called them b/c he won't talk to me and refuses to even see me. I miss him so much. I feel like there is a whole in my chest. I have been with him since I was 18 and don't want to give up on him. What should I do? [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"orange"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color]

Beaux, welcome to MB. Unfortunately I wish it were'nt on this specific forum. Can you give more details to your story? Children? Why were you unsure of your life?

If you still want your M to work don't give up yet. You are so young to be going through such a devastating experience.

Well, we have no kids. Looking back on my marriage, my husband worked very hard to persue me while we dated and once we got married, he kind of just put me on a shelf and forgot about me. I took the easy way out and left for a few weeks and that changed him into something I barley recognized. We tried counseling, but quit after a few sessions. I wanted to reconnect emotionally before engaging back into our sex life and he didn't want to do that and started resenting me and blowing up at me if I wouldn't sleep with him-which just pushed us both away from eachother. Maybe I should have just did it and he wouldn't have sought friendship with a girl that all his friends has been with. I think he still is currently with her. At our last mediation, I asked to see him and he flatly refused. I couldn't stop crying and we had to reschedule our mediation. I wanted to die that day. he had once told me that he feltlike if he divorced me it was the wrong thing but if he stayed then that was also wrong. And he doesn't want to be a chump to this friends. I haven't seen or talked to him since the end of December. Now, today he wants to come over to the house and talk not about getting back together, but about mediation again and I'm a nervous wreck. I don't know how anybody can get through a divorce-its worse than if that person had died. I feel like a failure. Like everyone was so proud of us for getting married and building a house and everything would be perfect forever.