Hi CO
I just read through the whole thread and wanted to add another note. I still hope you will look for my comments on renee's thread on the In Recovery board.

We are also high school sweethearts. We have 4 daughters. And we are Christians. Laying in the arms of the Lord is what kept me going through our entire recovery. And we had an excellent christian counselor. I spent so much time in prayer and in the Bible. I continually prayed for God to keep satan out of my mind. I finally got to a place where when the "movie's" started playing in my head I just said, get out satan! and consciously switched my thoughts.

I would encourage you to wholeheartedly pray for your own willingness to engage in the recovery and to prevent what you called snide comments coming from your mouth. And if I may, I absolutely think your husband should move back home. He is remorseful, which is a blessing when it comes to recovering from an affair, and you will be able to do so much more work towards recovery if you are together.

I wholeheartedly agree that if the only reason you can think of to press on right now is the kids, that is an excellent reason. We are so happy now. Yes it was an incredibly painful, difficult and time consuming journey. But what if I had decided I wanted to stay angry and not handle it? So here we would be divorced, three years later, my three daughters carted back and forth between us, I would have had to return to work and enter the dating scene again. Yuck, yuck, yuck! Instead, we have another beautiful daughter, I continue to have the pleasure of being an at home mom, my husband and I have a strengthened, healthy marriage centered in the Lord and I just feel blessed like crazy.

You can find it within yourself to engage CO. The Lord will be with you. He will carry you when you cannot walk. He will shut your mouth when you feel like you want to scream hatefulness at your husband and He will hang out with you in the desert and lead you to fresh water and light. You have the ingredients to make it through this, CO. Press On toward the goal, CO
God Bless,
Glad

CO-

I just wanted to chime in and give a second to all of Glad's advice. (BTW Glad--I read your posts on the recovery board and they were WONDERFUL--just what I needed to keep pushing forward. THANK YOU!)

I wanted to separate from my H after everything came to light--it was my first instinct and probably is for most BS's. But really, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed contrary to working on the M. And then I found MB and it all fell into place. Separation is a great tool if the A is still going on--it can help to end it. But once the A is over and you are working on healing, it's soooooooo much easier to have your H around--even if it does bring up triggers and bad memories from time to time. If you are not together, you will not be meeting eachother's EN, and your love for eachother will not grow.

Really, the decision you have is whether you want to work on your M or not. And, like Mr. Wondering pointed out--it is your right to divorce. Your M has been betrayed and you don't have to work it out if you don't want to. It is hard work, I know. But you can have your "great marriage" and "great family" back--I really believe that. And remember, for every struggle we have as BS's--our WS's have many more. I have no doubt in my mind that it is harder to be a WS. After the M is healed, all we have to live with is the knowledge we were wronged and forgave. They have to live with the knowledge that they desperately hurt the people they loved more than anything.

Whenever my H seems tired and a little unwilling to carry his load, I remember that. His load is much heavier.

Take heart--and good luck. Kudos on the cake and balloons for your H's B-day--I'm sure that meant a lot to him.

-C.

Glad,
Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I also read your post on the recovery board. It definitely gives me hope! I agree about having the Lord to guide me through this. I don't know what I would do without the faith of God! I also agree with you that I don't want to enter the dating field again either. Actually, I have too many pre-requisites to even date someone that nobody would want me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

csj,
I know what you mean about not being separated. The thing is all we ever do is argue when he is here. I am so tired of arguing. It interrupts my healing process. And, yes, I admit it is mostly me starting it. I just hold grudges like crazy. That is one of the things we were working on in counseling. We are going to our pastor tomorrow for the first time. I'm hoping to get some "fresh" guidance from him. I am not intending to divorce my H, I just need time to find myself. The problem is when my H is here and he gets down or crys, I become selfless and cater to whatever he needs to get him back on his feet. And with him not being here, I can actually focus on myself without any interruptions.

I sometimes feel guilty for asking my H to leave because I agree it is harder to work on the M when we aren't living together. It's just that I've never been through this before and I don't know what will work for me or won't work. I am hoping this time to myself will give me more peace of mind with my decision to stay and work on our M. The last thing I want for my family and my children is to get a divorce. It would affect so many people and I don't want to do that. I have to keep my trust in God and see this whole thing through and move forward. That is my goal and it is good to hear these success stories in these trying times to keep me going.

I also agree that the WS has many more struggles, but it is different in the sense that they CHOSE their struggles. We BS's didn't choose ours, they did. That may sound really harsh, but that is how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for WS's for the position they've put THEMSELVES in but they CHOSE to put themselves in that position so there isn't much compassion from my standpoint.....sorry if that offended anyone. At the same time I realize people do make mistakes, I just hope they learn from them! Only time will tell.

--CO

I agree with you 100%--your H did make his own choices. He may be able to avoid full punishment for his actions--but he can't avoid the natural consequences.

And I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you how to fix your marriage--it's just that I was so sad when I read that you were separated. I really want you guys to make it.

-C

csj,
I really want us to make it too, but I never would have imagined it would be this hard! Sometimes I don't feel like I'll ever get over it and I should just move on. Then sometimes I feel like other people have made it through and maybe I can too. I hate feeling betrayed. I never thought I would be where I am today. A lot of people on MB say I am "lucky" since my FWH wants to work on the M. I consider "lucky" never even being in this situation to begin with. I sure don't feel "lucky". I just wonder if I'll ever be happy again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We are going on a "date" tonight. We'll see how that goes. Also, my H is telling me he doesn't want to spend Easter with me unless we are together again. I don't think that's fair. So now I guess we have to share the kids for Easter since he won't just spend it with me. It seems like he keeps forgetting who put him where he is.....it was him! He seems to be blaming me for where he is today. I hate feeling guilty. God forbid I actually make a decision on my own and stick with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is hating how I am actually making decisions for myself for once. Sorry to sound depressed. Just needed to write to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Just wanted to give an update. Yesterday we went on our "date". It was nice. We went miniature golfing, then for ice-cream and then home to watch a movie. You'd think we were 16 again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It was a good time. Of course, we argued a bit. I always start things.

At the end of the night it was weird to have to take him to his parents'. I decided today to invite him back home tonight. I asked him to come over to watch a show we always watched together. He said "All right. I just hate when I have to leave you guys to go to my parents' at the end of the night." He will be shocked when I tell him to stay. I was thinking of gettings a card from each of us (me and the girls) saying we want him back home. You guys were right, all I'm doing is prolonging the recovery process. I just needed a break and to make my H realize I'm serious when I say to tell me the whole truth. I think he learned his lesson...I hope he did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'll keep you updated. Thanks for your advice.

-CO

I know, I know. I tell myself this also--that I am lucky in comparison to some of the really awful experiences I read here. At least I have a remorseful spouse who wants to work things out. But staying together is not necessarily the easy way out, is it? I definately have my moments where I feel like a divorce would have been easier--for me anyway. Harder on my kids.

But I am in a place where I am glad that I stayed with him. It is not easy--I have hard days--I still cry--I still hurt. But I think just focusing on keeping the home environment pleasant has helped me the most. Despite the situation, I feel like my home is a happy, peaceful place. We treat eachother with kindness. I have faith that, while our relationship has been very damaged by what my H did, we can heal and I can feel the love I felt for him before in time. I think it's important to take things slowly--work bit by bit. Don't expect too much at once--allow yourself the time you need.

And I agree with you that your H should not give you an ultimatum about Easter. He's not exactly in the best bargaining position. But I think that mentality is common with people who have behaved badly--whether it's criminals or adulterers. They want to rationalize, minimize, make excuses for why the situation isn't their fault. Anything to take the blame off of themselves.

But part of repentance is taking responsibility--and your H is going to have to come to terms with that. There are consequences to what he did, and one consequence is that he may not be able to celebrate Easter the way he wants to.

Take heart--and have faith that things will get better day by day.

-C.

Great news! Good for you--a fresh start will be good for all of you.

-C

Well,
I am at D-day #2. I told my H if I found him in another lie, I would divorce. Well, not only did I find him in another lie, it is a huge one!!! Here he met the OW for another weekend in November (the weekend before my b-day) And I found out through e-mails again (old e-mails I found on another e-mail account). I found about 15 e-mails that they wrote back and forth to eachother. It turns out he's been lying about A LOT of other things that I know see from the e-mails. I have decided to just move on and put this whole mess behind me. There is NO WAY I am going to get over this and I WILL NEVER trust him. I guess he is comtemplating suicide. MIL called and asked for his insurance card. She also called my brother and told him H wants to kill himself. The funny thing is he only has insurance b/c of me. I will be calling tomorrow to cancel him. I'm not sure how long that takes. But I will also be calling my divorce attorney and setting up an appt. I hate that it's come to this but I did everything I could to try to make this M work. I guess he didn't know what radical honesty really meant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Anybody, please help and guide me throgh this horrible time in my life. Any advice would be appreciated. Just know I DO NOT want to save my M any longer.

-CO

BTW, I guess I should change my signature line. I'll do that tomorrow.

I'm so sorry that you had a second D-day. And especially when you were going to invite him back home.

Is he currently telling lies, or are you talking about old lies?

He's currently telling lies but they are still about the A. The thing is Thurs. we went to our pastor for our first counseling session w/him and my pastor said to my H, you need to come totally clean, so I'm going to give you some time right now to tell your W anything else you need to tell her so there are no new revelations down the road. Not only that I kicked him out of the house the first time because I found out he was lying and I wanted him to learn his lesson not to lie to me because I have a tendancy to find things out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Well, at the session H ended up telling me about the other e-mail account. He said it was deactivated, which it was, but today I decided to re-activate it so see if there was anything else I would find and I did. I actually just got done reading all the horrible e-mails. What a nightmare. He has been lying to me about so many things. I just want to move on. When will I get to move on and put this all behind me?? Of course now I have to share our girls. That is the biggest heartbreaker of all. I could have easily gotten over my H doing this to me, but to our girls <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hate thinking about the holidays which were my favorite things in life, was spending the holidays with my family <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So sad

-CO

What are some of the things he was lying about?

Well, just two weeks ago I found out he was lying about the last time he saw the OW. I found out he actually went out to lunch w/her. I thought it was just a ONS w no more contact except via phone and e-mail. I also found out he took his wedding ring off the night he met OW. It took me getting proof for him to come clean on this. I asked him this question about 500 times btw. Even after I got proof he still denied it until finally admitting.

Then what I found out yesterday (still today for me) was that he met OW when he went to Pittsburgh in November (a month after *ONS*). I asked him about 500 times if he met her there and he denied it up until I found proof. I just sit here and think of all the lies he told me like "I would have never intentionally cheated on you" and "I e-mailed her because it was a fantasy world and I knew I would never see her again." And "the e-mails didn't mean anything and I didn't care about her at all." I mean, why even make up these lies? He could have just not mentioned them at all. And even before we went to the pastor I told my H if I find out you are lying about anything else, I am going to be so devastated and I will divorce you. His comment was "I already hurt you enough, I wouldn't keep anything else from you." I hate where I am right now. I can't even sleep. I sit here and wonder about Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving w/out him there. How are my children going to make it through this??

Not only that but last night I gave him SF and even asked if he ever thinks of her when we have SF and he said "How could I, I was drunk and it was only twice. I don't even remember it." Now I find out it was a whole weekend sexfest in Pittsburgh. And I sit here and think of when he called and said goodnight to me and the girls, was she laying in bed next to him? And according to his e-mails, she didn't even know he was married w/children. How can someone do this to another human being they love??? I am just so devastated!!

-CO

Tell him you want his ring. Then tell him if he is really married he will wear a black band around his ring finger. For any brave enough to ask (other than the dumb OW), he can explain, he has lost the right to wear that ring. He needs to earn it back. The black band isn't removeable. It's a black marking pen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

This is a good idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't even want anything to do w/him anymore except contact w/the girls. I hope he's smart enough to just leave me be and let me move on. Maybe he's sitting somewhere in a psych ward right now. Who knows?? I just checked his e-mail account and he deleted all the e-mails I found. I guess it's a little late for that now. btw, I was going to send all the e-mails to all of his friends. That would have been priceless, but I want a *smooth* divorce, so I opted not to. I would have loved to see the look on his face, though, if I would have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-CO

CO, I am sorry for what you are going through.

You are in a high emotion state right now. I just want to encourage you to just stop and breathe for a couple days. Your husband was so so so wrong in keeping the full truth from you after you repeatedly asked for full disclosure. This is true. But men are strange creatures and they are scared. He is/was scared to lose his family and made really stupid choices from beginning to end with how he dealt with things after d-day. But he also did right things, like going to counseling. Just a couple days ago you had a nice date. I know and understand that it feels like a lie to you now, but again just breathe, okay? Divorce is big and final. I pray that it won't ultimately come to this for your precious family...it sounds like there is still so much to save here.

I have four daughters myself, CO, ages 7, 5, 3, and 1. I think where I would be with them nearly 3 years after d-day now if I had chosen divorce when we hit some very rough spots in recovery. You are in a very rough spot right now and it feels hopeless, but it is not hopeless. Really think through what being a divorced single mother with young girls from a broken home being shuffled back and forth between their parents that they love dearly. Its painful for me to imagine. You can get through these terribly rough waters CO. Please take some time to step back and breathe before reacting.

Your anger is so very understandable and normal. Please don't disengage because your husband is bumbling through the early stages of recovery after d-day. They all do. My husband did some really stupid stuff after d-day even as he was participating in recovery.

I am sorry you are in this painful position. I just want you to really think through what it means to your future and the future of your girls if you choose to not try and work through this very big hump in recovery.

With all respect, above you said you had done everything to make the marriage work. You have a remorseful, willing to repair and make right, albeit stupid husband. Are you certain you have done everything to make this marriage heal and flourish?

I just wanted to give you some things to think about. I do understand CO...I have the ability to see farther out because I am about 3 years out from it. I went though the yuck and ugly. It was awful, but we survived and I am so thankful I am here with my family intact and thriving.

Blessings,
Glad

Hang in there. It is not uncommon for the WS to lie about details of the affair. Somehow they think that it is too hurtful to tell the truth, and they try to "protect" the BS. Too bad they didn't think that way when they were thinking about having an affair.

I think you need to do nothing now, except take care of yourself and children. I would not spend anymore time arguing or confronting your WH. Let him think things over. He got himself in a real mess now. Besides the affair, the lying about it has really destroyed your trust in him.

Glad,
Thanks so much for your encouraging words again. I haven't gone to the divorce attorney and I plan on just taking some time to breath like you said. I am in a very high emotional state and I know that. My brother just called and said H called him from the hospital. He was admitted for his suicidal thoughts. He wants the kids and me to visit. I don't know if I can. I am in so much pain myself right now and I don't know if I want the kids to see either of us in this state. I don't know how long he will be in.

This whole thing is just so devastating. I hate where I am. I want to be happy, I want my family to be together. I agree w/u I don't want to be a divorced single parent. I just want honesty. I never realized it is this hard to get the whole truth. Should I just come to the realization that I will never get the whole truth??

I hope three years from now I can be in your position and giving advice to someone where I am at this very moment. That is what I hope for.

Please pray for me and my family!

-CO

I think this so often!!


Good advice. This is what I'm trying now. Let's see where it leads us.........

-CO

I do think I would take the children and visit him in the hospital. Occasionally a WS DOES commit suicide.

I would not talk about the marriage, relationship or affair. If he brings it up, just let him know that you are in a state of shock and need time to think about things.