saenz,
Thanks for coming over and saying hi....good for you a five star thread!

I'll try to think of that, it could be worse. I don't know how right now, but I guess anything's possible. H has the kids tonight. I would be such a mess if my friend wasn't here. This is going to be so HARD!! Wonder why it wasn't hard for my H to cheat???

--CO

Hi CO
Another hug from me ((((((((((((((((((CO))))))))))))))
A dear friend willing to come to you in your time of need is a blessing indeed. I am glad she is there for you.

It sounds like you have a good support system. Please continue to go to counseling with your pastor or a great IC. You need to continue to heal yourself.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. It sounds like you are making a good decision to not communicate with your husband right now when you know you would only LB. You sound like a strong, smart, wonderful lady.

Joy to you as you find comfort with the support of your friend this weekend. And seek comfort and joy from the Lord as we celebrate His precious gift of salvation to us this Easter.

Blessings,
Glad

glad, has a point you do need time to heal.

shes also right about your friend that's a real friend to fly over to see you on easter weekend. where the h*** are all my friends oh thats right they're w/ they're families
so i guess that makes you and i the only ones w/ out the kids this weekend but i do got to say for my well being that is a good thing my 2 where starting to drive me crazy.

aleast now my WW will know what's going to be like to have all 4 kids on her own. w/ out me there to break up the fights and stop the yelling. thank good for this wonderfull
peace. aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no kids 4 a night what's a newly single man to do, curl up w/ sum ice cream and watch a flick in my p.j's na im sleeping in my monsters like to get up early...........

Hi CO,
I read your update on saenz thread. This is a good decision CO. What is impossible with man is Possible with God. Remember this on the days you want to throw in the towel.
Do you have plans to begin MC? Also, have a plan for when you want to LB (try praying Ephesians 4:32...passage about not letting any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, only what is beneficial for building one another up...)

CO, the feelings you wrote on the other thread I can completely relate to. I also was (am? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) an attractive woman who got my body back shortly after each birth, and enjoyed my role as wife, mommy of 3 darling girls at the time, and homemaker. The A totally shattered me as to who I thought I was. I felt stupid, ugly, worthless. I did see the OW and I felt like suddenly I didn't really know what my H wanted in a woman as she was very different than me. This is a journey to recover your sense of self. I struggled terribly with self-esteem and still feel like I have to work at feeling good about myself.

I totally understand the idea of sacrificing your own happiness for a time while you keep your family together and begin to heal and recover. The happiness will come back, CO! In the meantime, rest in the Lord, the giver of JOY no matter what circumstance we find ourselves in.

I just knew you would get through the last few days with a fresher perspective if you went to the Source of all comfort, Jesus Christ. It is certainly a praise to hear how He is gently leading you and working through those close to you to help you discern His will for you in these troubling times.

And what a blessed weekend you have had with your friend! Your faith in these circumstances will certainly speak volumes to her about the grace of God.

One day at a time CO. No LBing (have a plan for when you want to)....kindness....counseling. You are fully capable of reaching the other side of this dark tunnel. I know you will get through this CO!

Blessings and Happy Easter! Jesus is risen! He is risen, indeed!
Glad

Glad,

Things are going good so far. My H went to IC today w/our pastor and we go together on Wed. evening. I am really at peace with the decision I made. It is really hard and I am really trying to stay strong.

I agree w/you about the journey to recover your sense of self. I know this will be a long journey, one I thought I would never have to take. Evertime my H looks at me I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he is comparing. I won't even get dressed in front of him anymore b/c I feel uncomfortable. I'm also sleeping in my daughter's bed for the time being just till I feel more comfortable around my H. Did you feel the same way? Right now I told him all I ask of him is not to touch me and to just let me go at my own pace.

I will take your advice on LBing. I actually bit my tounge a couple times today. I was proud of myself. I know the strentgh is from God My family tells me they can't believe how the Lord is working through me. They see the changes I've made and the sacrifices I'm making and they are so amazed. I myself can't believe how far I've come in only one week. There is no other way to explain it except by the Grace of God.

I hope you and your family had a happy Easter.

--CO

Hi CO,

Glad to see your update. We did have a very nice Easter.

I felt the same way as you were describing about not wanting him to touch you. I think you handled it very well by telling him to let you go at your own pace and not touch you right now. Communication is so key. I would encourage you to keep this up as long as you can express your needs without LB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I, too, communicated the same thing to my H about not touching me. But at the same time I wanted to know that he did want to touch me. Wierd. But what helped was trying to explain this to him and so what he did was to say things like, when you are ready I'd like to give you a hug. And I'd say thanks, but I'm not ready yet. I would say it was a couple weeks after d-day (and I still say, for you CO your true d-day was 4/10) that I had a particularly emotional morning, I was just so sad and heartbroken and he offered a hug and I accepted and it was nice. But we also discussed that I wasn't necessarly ready for random hugs, etc, he still needed to ask.

And I know it seems far off that you would want to be intimate again, there is still much communication and healing to happen, but you will get there. After that first hug, as time went on I got more comfortable receiving them and we were very slow getting physical again. We'd cuddle on the couch watching tv, or hold hands. When we kissed for the first time it was like we had never kissed before there was so much electricity, almost like we were meeting eachother and falling in love for the first time. I think it was a good 5 weeks before we had SF. I thought I'd cry but I didn't, but it wasn't easy getting back into that and we communicated a lot.

CO, I certainly can't read your husbands mind, but my guess is that there is NO COMPARING whatsoever. If anything he probably can't believe how stupid he was. It is so hard to understand, but often the A has nothing at all to do with anything lacking in the BS. You sound like a gem. I know it is so hard, I spent waaayyyy too much mental energy thinking about her and thinking about how the A took so much away from our marriage and family. I still think the 2 1/2 months of the PA is a dead space in our life, that everything we did during that time as a family (including baptizing our 3rd daughter!) somehow was a lie and not valid. But I am really and truly okay and thankful because our lives and marriage are so much richer now. My H is in a relationship with the Lord now and is a wonderful leader of our home, great husband, father. I told him early on in the process that I knew that God had created him to be so much more than he was allowing himself to be. He obviously took that to heart because I am married to a wonderful man today and I feel like a lucky and blessed girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there today, CO
Blessings,
Glad

Hey CO,

I just read a really good thread on the In Recovery board that I think would be really helpful for you and I encourage you to go read it.

Its called Anger Phase? posted by Asterix. Check it out.

Blessings,
Glad

Hey CO-

I was out of town for a bit and wanted to come check in on you. I can feel so tangibly the pain in many of your posts, and I am sorry. You have been in my prayers, just so you know.

So many of the feelings you describe are very normal. Take comfort in that. You are not going crazy--you are not loosing yourself. This is a painful thing that will pass for all of us.

Embrace the strength you have recently gained! One foot forward at a time. We'll all just link arms and pull each other forward through the whole mess.

You are going to make it, and so am I, my friend.

God Bless,
-CSJ

Glad,

I did check out that other thread on the forum. I could relate to it. They gave some good advice.

I am in an "anger" mood tonight. All I keep thinking of was I wasn't good enough sexually for my H. I wonder how "great" she was and what she did for him. It makes me think I'll never be able to be intimate again w/him. It really disgusts me. I feel the same way you do about the time of the A being a dead space in my life. I hate to even think of the things we did during the A. He was in his fantasy world the whole time and probably only thinking of her and how he couldn't wait to see her again....yuck!!

CSJ,
Thanks for checking in on me again. How have you been holding up? Are you still staying strong? I hope all is well with you!

--CO

cheat
we all go think that stuff about wasn't i good enough or what did the other person do that i didn't.

i think that once you guys get passed everything you should ask him what if anything you guys may do diff. in the bedroom. a fantasy of sort.

then again what the h*** do i know my M is over.

any who i also read that other post about anger i too was angry today. even got into a bit of a tiff w/ my ML heheheee
just love the fact they think there little daughter is perfect, what ever.

I know we all go through the stuff about comparing and not thinking we're good enough. It is just so painful. I keep thinking how jealous of a person my H is and always has been. He would get mad at me if a guy just called to say hi to me. Isn't it amazing how he didn't even consider me in this whole thing? You'd think I'd be the one to cheat on him. I still can't believe he did this to me.

We got into a HUGE argument last night. I felt really bad b/c I swore in front of the girls. They were really upset. I left the house with no shoes on and no cell phone. My H called my mother and my brother up and everyone was searching for me. I just wanted to be left alone. And I told my H not to call my family and he did anyway. He never respects anything I ever tell him. I realize he never has and never will. I hate even thinking of all the sacrifices I've made for him in my life and this is what I get in return. This morning I asked him if he would consider changing his career since he is a personal trainer and I'm not comfortable with that. He said he wouldn't, he just wants to move on and he knows he can handle the temptation. Again, no respect! I feel like a fool.

--CO

both, paths are hard follow you just gotta make shure you are on the right one. doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise on to much. where i belive it should be him giving up stuff in order to show you he's changing. good luck you have a bumppy road ahead of you. you ol trailer park girl w/ no shoe's on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

The comparison thing is a thorn to me as well--with everything, not just sex. Was she taller, funnier . . . . I torture myself with it. Garbage.

Despite my new-found self doubts (which I hate), my gut tells me that the truth is this: The A was not about a comparison. There was no mental checklist where my H was checking off what I did better, and what she did better. There was nothing that rational and organized about it. The A was pure selfishness. It was a total suspension of all reality. "This is what I want for this moment."

Once the A is over and the fog lifts, I think there is very little the WS can point to as evidence of reasoned judgment. I have ready many posts from FWS's to this effect--there wasn't anything "better" about the OP.

And rationally, I do recognize this is true. In my case, I know the OW--not well, but I know who she is and I know what she looks like. I also know a little bit about what she is like. And she isn't better than me, period.

I know this is true, but it is going to take me a while to feel it in my bones. I don't want my H to be intimate with me. I don't even want him to see me change clothes. I am very self-conscious about everything I do, wondering if it is "good enough." Self doubts are not conquered overnight--and my H is just going to have to live with that for a while.

But I think the confidence will be restored with the feelings of love. That's my current theory, anyway. So keep working on it--and at least recognize the truth in your head. You are at least 1,000,000 x better than her. And your H knows that, too.

God bless,
-C.

i know the OM my X had the affair with, and just married....TOTAL oposite of me..in every aspect....(i consider myself...well...MACHO)..but anyway.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

i work with many many people that have cheated on their spouses....EVERY SINGLE ONE HAS TRADED DOWN!!!!! including my X! (that seems pretty par for the course) and those who got into relationships with OP are MISERABLE!!

i believe people with good self esteem do not go searching for or need validation from other people...(that includes WS/OP's!)

keep your self esteem in tact...by comparing yourself or thinking the OP is better...gives that OP tremendous POWER over you....

dont let the OP dictate your self worth!!!

i know...easier said than done...

hang in there!

Hi CO,
I just posted to your H, what a blessing that he is here. I may see if my H would be willing to dialogue with him on his thread as there seems to be many similarities in our experiences.

How are you today? How did the counseling go? Is there any way that I can help you today?

(((((CO)))))

csj, I just loved what you had to say about the "comparison" thoughts. I hope this helps you CO. Both of you, with that head knowledge, which is so true, it will eventually get to your heart and you will really feel and know with certainty that it wasn't and isn't about comparison, that it was suspended reality, unorganized and total stupidity. You two ROCK!!! as we say in our family! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings today,
Glad

sturgis05,
Thanks for that. It made me feel a lot better after reading that. It is so true. Now I sit here and think what attractive 23 year old (OW's age) would be desperate enough to go meet some guy (my H) for a weekend she didn't even know. She couldn't have been that attractive to be that desperate. Do you see what I'm saying? I mean, if she were attractive, it would be easy for her to meet men and she wouldn't have to fly from California to Pennsylvania to meet one, especially one that she knew was taken (he told her he had a g/f).

Glad,
That's great that you are helping my H. It would also be great if your H could help him too. My H mentioned he started a thread and that a lot of people knew me already <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know this site has helped me tremendously. My day is going pretty good. My oldest daugther woke up in a good mood and my H and I think it's b/c we didn't argue at all last night. It made me feel good to see her happy and "normal" through all of this.

Counseling went good. We decided we have to do IC before we actully "work" on our marriage. We both have issues we are dealing w/now. Mine, of course, is my self-esteem problem as I've mentioned before.

--CO

Hi there CO,

Glad to hear that today is feeling good for you.

I totally understand the need to IC first. That is exactly what I did, for 2 months, before I felt like I could handle MC and working on marriage. This sounds like a positive plan.

How is your anger level and LB?

Hang in there, it is a long journey with steps forward and back, but hopefully you will start seeing that there are more steps forward than back now so you can see that you are actually starting to get where you ultimately want to be.

Blessings today,
Glad

Glad,

Yesterday went ok. I got home and we decided to wash the car. My anger and LB aren't doing so well. I continue to make comments about everything he's done to me and I don't understand how it was even possible and what was he thinking. I also continue to ask questions although he doesn't answer (good thing). After a while, I just decided to go in the house b/c I couldn't stop LBing. I ended up going to sleep at around 6:30. I didn't wake up until 7:15 this morning. It was much needed considering my week last week.

My H was down on himself this morning. He was crying when I left saying "I ruined such a great marriage and you are such a great wife." I felt sorry for him. I just said "I wish you would have realized what you had before." I guess that was a little LBing, but that was the only comment I made and I didn't say it with an attitude or anything.

I was getting ready this morning thinking how I thought I knew my H so well before. I am doubting ever even knowing him as well as I thought I did. I would never have guessed in a million years he would do this to me. How was your M before your H's affair? Did you guys have a good M? Did you ever think your H could do this to you?

Hoping for a good day today...

--CO

i've have thought this same thing and what kills me is that if my W would of just opened her mouth and said she was unhappy we could of fixed things.

CO

Please don't take this as a slam or a 2 X 4 in any way.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

Ask yourself this question every time before you speak when your first instinct is a DJ.

Look, I completely understand your anger as I have felt that anger, too. At some point however, you must know that all your efforts to punish your FWH verbally will not reach a favorable long term result. Giving in to your anger may feel good in the moment, but that bitter aftertaste will choke you. I know. I have btdt.

Also, any punishment you could devise will never "even the score" between you. You have been wronged in one of the worst ways imaginable and there is no punishment your FWH could endure that will make that up to you.

One exercise our MC had me engage in to deal with my anger was this - start a list of the things you appreciate about FWH. Try to add to it every day. Concentrate on the positive; don't dwell on the negative. Make it a goal to once a day thank him or praise him for something he has done right. Think back to what his qualities are that caused you to fall in love with him and marry him. You are such a smart, wonderful woman that there must have been something there, right?

Hang in there. It does get better with time and I know this didn't just happen yesterday for you but you've had freash revelations that started the clock back over. ((((CO))))