CSJ,

Thanks for the story csj. It is enlightening. I agree w/you about learing from it and moving on. I didn't realize how hard it would be though. This recovery stuff is really, really hard!!

I know God has a purpose for me and I have to keep telling myself that.

--CO

hola co how was your day.

You don't want to know about my day. I'm not doing good. I am so unhappy. Everything I didn't want in my M has happened. I was sitting outside watching my girls play thinking, ok, the two main things I didn't want in my M were infidelity and my H working nights. He works every night but Thurs. and I feel so alone. Sometimes I just figure I am divorced already since he is never here and I am still doing everything on my own. Not only that, he just does whatever he wants. He decided he wanted to join a men's group at church, so he did. Yeah, that's great that he did but I could never just say, "Hey, I'm going to join a group." I can't. I work full-time and when I'm not working I have the girls. For awhile now I just wanted to go out and go for a walk on my own. I can't b/c I always have the kids and there is no way they would last on the walk w/me. I just keep saying to myself, is saving the M worth it? I mean, I know it is for the kids, but what about me?? Mother's Day is coming up and I used to be so proud to be a Mother and do something on Mother's Day. Now I think of it and it depresses me. I think, "What's the point, I will be unhappy anyway." I am even on anti-depressants, but all they do is make me more sleepy than I already was, which was a lot to begin with.

Also, every single thing I do, take a shower, watch TV, lay on the sofa, I think, did they do this??? It is so annoying. How am I ever going to move forward?? I just don't get this whole recovery thing. My H doesn't do everything I need him to do and the littlest things I want him to do and he doesn't really bother me and bring me down. It's like I want him to read my mind. I know he can't, but if he could only think like me for a second <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Are you doing any better today??

As your body adjusts to the anti-D's the tiredness should go away.

Is there any way that your husband and you could work the same hours? Marriages where the spouses work different shifts don't usually do well. Are you spending 15 hours a week ALONE with him doing fun things?

Yeah, somebody else told me that about the anti-depressants. I am just seeing where it goes.

There's no way I could spend 15 hours alone with him and actually enjoy myself. It would be torture. I would be LBing the whole time. I don't want to be alone w/him. I don't feel comfortable.

I'm hoping the job situation is temporary until he gets his clientele and can choose his own hours (during the day when I work.) Right now he is working for a guy just to get hours until he gets more established. I don't know how long it will be.

--CO

How are you doing on the LB's now? Part of recovery is letting the anger go.

It seems to me that he is making a good effort, or is that all just talk from him for our benefit?

Gosh, B, I was just going to say the same thing.

CO, I believe he is sincere. I called him on what he was saying and I really think he is doing his best. Better than his best. He's trying so hard. I've spoken to other FWSs whose spouse's also post here and they just don't "get it". Your H does.

OK, I'm pretty retired from posting, but once in a while I check in on my old pals and I saw your post. FWS and I are in our 6th year of recovery. It can happen. It is not the same marriage. It will always be different, so you need to grieve that loss no matter what you choose. It is your choice, you are in control of your destiny, but I do suggest that you do nothing drastic for at least six weeks after your latest discovery. Healing takes time and so does discovery in some cases. Your story is more typical than you think. Sometimes there are multiple d days and sometimes the WS needs to hit bottom. In view of the fact that he ended up in the hospital, is he bipolar? Many folks that have affairs are. Take your time. Slow down and give yourself a chance to react to all. I never thought that my life would be normal, but here I am. It will never be the same, but I like the new FWS and the FBS just fine. Keep your chin up. You're doing fine. Hugs.

I do ok with the LB for a little and then I can't control myself. I feel my H is truly trying. He asks me all the time what he can do for me. I just don't want his help. I want to help myself. I feel so alone. I know I have to get control of my anger. I don't like depending on anyone!! I don't trust anyone enough to depend on them! My H was the ONLY one I ever depended on and now I have no one!! Pretty sad!

--CO

I know my H gets it. I feel that way too. But for some reason I still don't feel "special". I shouldn't even have to be on this site to begin with. I don't feel lucky that my story isn't as bad as others. It just doesn't make me feel any better. Sorry. I am so unhappy right now.

--CO

new jersey,
Thanks for posting.


This is the part I just can't accept! I am struggling so hard with this fact b/c we had a GREAT marriage pre-A and what is left to go back to if it was already GREAT that means now it will be just good. Get what I'm saying?? I don't think it will ever be GREAT again.

off to bed....my daughter won't go without me and it's already past her bedtime. I'll check back tomorrow. Hopefully, the sleep will do me good.

Have a good night all!!

--CO

Co, I know you're going to bed now but I'll post anyway.

My H wondered if the last 28 years he'd been married to me had been a sham. That's a lot of history we had together. I was reading someone else's post earlier and they said "what do I want long term". Do you want to be married to your H in 50 year's time?

We were BOTH determined that what had happened was not going to be the definition of our very long marriage and it won't be.

{{{{{CO}}}}}

All I have to say today is I am so UNHAPPY! How long does this last for??? What do I do to pick myself back up? I feel like a zombie with no direction.

I thought the sleep would help but I ended up dreaming of H and OW together. I don't even remember what it was now, but it wasn't good. I'm glad I forgot it.

--CO

((((((((((((((((CO)))))))))))))))))

I think of you everyday.

I have to tell you that I see you sinking into a pretty significant depression at this point. It is understandable and I went through the exact same thing. The darkness got so gripping that I stalled. I could not work on the marriage at all, I just slumped on the couch during MC.

So, you need to focus on addressing the level of depression immediately. This needs to be your number one priority starting today. When the depression gets alieviated a bit you will feel more hopeful and move out of the stall a bit, I promise. The mark of depression is hopelessness. So of course you feel like the situation is hopeless and you don't know how to feel better.

You said you have been on anti-d for a month? CO you need to call your dr today and tell them it is not working. You need to try something else or increase your dosage. Zoloft worked very well for me but I had to increase my dosage 3 times in order to get it at the right level to benefit me. You are not being benefitted by the anti-d right now and this needs to be addressed so you do not wake up wishing you hadn't each morning.

I feel so strongly that this must be your main focus, starting today, because the depression I ended up being in was almost more devastating to me as a whole than the A itself. I still feel like the depression has had lasting repercussions for me nearly 3 yrs later. I am still on zoloft and I actually fear ever sinking into the depths of darkness I did back then. I got to near uselessness with my children and its a wonder that they survived it at ages 4, 2, and infant. It grieves my heart.

So, I know I just keep repeating myself, but today your focus needs to be solely on getting the depression under control...when this happens I know the pieces of recovery will start coming together for you more smoothly.

Let me know CO that you have called your dr today. I really care about you and your husband and I know you will survive this.

Blessings and prayers,
Glad

Forgot to mention a book that I recommend you reading...there is even a chapter in the back for spouses. Its very, very good.

Its called Unveiling Depression in Women

I can't think of the author off the top of my head but just type in the title on amazon.

Glad

Truth be told, it can be great, but it will not be the same. Look at the big picture, you daughter, is that enough reason for you to stay? Would you be able to handle another affair maybe 10 years from now? These are tough questions. You are very young (to me anyhow) and you were married at 22/23?

For me it was important that my children have full access to their Dad. He is a great father. About the risk? We'll, if he ever cheated again I would not die. I could handle it. I can always leave. I do not believe he would cheat again, but if it happened, I could handle it. That is how I made my decision. I felt that I was human and not perfect. All humans make mistakes and I felt he should have another chance. Everyone is different. No one could fault you for leaving. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 50 years?

All I can say is I am happy in my life, but that innocent love is gone forever. That is the truth. Affairs are very damaging. It cannot be the same marriage-never IMHO, but....you can have the kind of marriage that lasts for 50 year. I never bought the fantasy relationship-mature love is different. If someone can sustain a fantasy love, the kind in fairytales more power to them. I just don't believe in fairytales. JMHO.

hey keep your head up i woke up the same way this morning yet while i was still in bed i began to think of all the good ladies waiting to meet me.

then sometime during the day i been wanting to talk to her all day its like a burning in my chest not to mention this over whelming anxiety wanting to hear from her or call her damn will i ever get over this?

Okay, now I am bordering on downright stalking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to add again that you might find yourself in a new level of anger and disappointment in your H because of this depression. You hate how you feel and what the A has done to your whole being. You blame him and fear never feeling yourself again.

I Understand! "Madness" is a little strong a word for me at this point, but if anything still presses a button in me it is grieving over the mental anguish and total debasing of my personhood during that time. I am altered. But do not be discouraged! I took enormous comfort in the anguish of David and his painful laments in the Psalms and also all the letters written by Paul discussing his weaknesses and hardships in the New Testament. And today I am truly HAPPY. I truly LOVE my husband. I RESPECT him actually more than I did before his A, strangely enough. And I actually do TRUST him. I am okay. God knows I struggle, God knows I have weaker spots now. But I have way stronger spots now. I am strong where it counts now and where it benefits us together in the marriage. I wouldn't trade where we are at right now and who we both are today. Life is full of various struggles throughout our journey on Earth. Why did we have to experience this A? I don't know. It totally sucks. But it is what we were handed at this moment in our journey. What is our response going to be during this part of our journey towards Heaven, for those of us who believe?

There is hope, I will hold on to it for you for now, CO, and keep reminding you of it.
Blessings
Glad

You okay, CO?
How was your day?

Hang in there,
Glad