CO,

Please consider seeing your doctor (or better yet, a psychiatrist) about your depression meds. You are on a very low dose of Lexapro, and from what your H says, it makes you tired. I've been on several different AD's, and lexapro made me very tired. Also, if you're saying things that allude to death and life not worth living, your meds are not working. AD's should be taking the edge off your moods so that you can focus on other stuff, like the recovery of your M. Nothing against GP's, but there's a reason we have psychiatrists. They are specialists in the mental health field. I doubt you'd stick with your GP if you had stage 4 cancer, know what I mean? Anyway, please consider this.

I sincerely hope you are doing okay. My H is in your boat. We are doing okay, and I pray for everyone here to be successful in the recovery of their marriages. Take care.

KJ

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you guys know I appreciate your posts. I don't have time to respond right now. Today is bring your daughter to work day and I have my daughter w/me, so i am busy w/her all day. I will respond tonight when I get home from work.

Thanks everyone for checking in on me.

This daughter at work thing has really brought my spirits up today. It was just what I needed.

--CO

Glad,



My Dr. said it takes about 6 weeks till it is in "full" effect. Also, I started them about a month ago, but then I went off of them for a week and then started back up again. I don't know if this slowed down my progression. But I take them consistently now, so I am hoping they will "kick" in soon.

If I don't feel anything in about 3 more weeks, I will up the dosage to 20 mg. instead of 10 mg.

I was better yesterday evening. And today really helped me since I had my DD at work w/me all day. What a great reminder of what I am fighting for!! We had a good day together.

I hate when I get depressed. I try so hard to get myself out of it. Tonight was also better for me b/c my H had off so I went for a long walk. That eased some of my stress. I needed some "me" time. It felt good.

--CO

newjersey,


This is what I'm fighting for, keeping my family together. I actually have 2 daughthers I'm fighting for and they are worth every tear I cry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Easy answer.....HE// NO!! There is no way I would go through this again. I already feel my H doesn't deserve me. My girls and I both deserve someone better than that. I don't even want to go there right now. I just trust in God and my H this will NOT happend again!!! He knows I am gone if it does, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.


I was only 19 when I got married. I look back now and think how young I was. I had my first daughter when I was 20. I never regret getting married young though. I just wish my H would have been as ready as me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Totally agree as I stated earlier!!


10 years - I see myself still married (hopefully happily) to my H and our oldest off to college.

50 years - Retired, hopefully still w/my H and grandchildren running around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


We actually had the fairytale before the A. Maybe it was just my fairytale, though, b/c obviously my H didn't think so. I tell him all the time I was on cloud 9 w/our M. I think that is why I was so devastated when I found out. I was so in love and happy with my H and my family. I actually thought often, "This is too good to be true, something has to go wrong." I would have never guessed and A though. I would have guessed an illness or a death in the family, etc., etc.

But my fairytale is over. Now reality has hit me hard in the face and have learned to fight and will continue to.

--CO

KJ,

I posted to Glad about the ADs. I am going to give it about 3 more weeks and if I still don't feel it, I will up the dose. I explained earlier why I am doing this.

--CO

hola co how are ya!

had another talk w/ W and she told me that she was confused
about everthing and that shes doesnt "have that loving feeling anymore" and doesn't know if she wanted to get back together. so i told her that im tired of this going back and forth game that we 've been on.

so like i've been saying i'm moving on.

Glad to hear you're on top of this. If you are interested, there's a website called crazymeds.org (just a cutsie name, no offense intended for viewers!). if you want to research the med. you're on, or any others, please go here to do so. Also, if you want to learn more about depression. Most likely, yours is "situational," but very much in need of attention at this time. There are so many AD's out there, don't be afraid of trying a different one, or a higher dose, they aren't going to kill ya!

May I just add, that I get really good feelings about you and your H. I'm a social worker, so work with many people, and have always considered myself a good judge of character. I honestly believe you two are going to get through this. Maybe I want to believe this because you remind me of my H and I, and I SO want to recover in our M and have a better M and a better life than we've ever had.

Blessings,

KJ

Thanks so much for your believing in us. That makes me feel good to hear stuff like this.

I feel weird talking about this, but last night was the first time we had SF since D-day 2. I thought that was a really big step for me and I actually did really good with it. Of course, at first I thought a little of OW but then I just said to myself, this SF is for me, enjoy it. That is how I looked at it (my friend from work gave me this perspective). And it worked for me. I did really enjoy it, and so did he <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I hope I can stay this comfortable with the whole thing. He actually wasn't even sleeping in the same bed as me since DDay 2. But last night I invited him in to sleep w/me and just talk, which we did, but then you know, one thing led to another. But he totally respected me and asked before he tried anything. I appreciated that a lot!!

Hope things keep going forward.

--CO

good 4 you he posted some nice things about you on his post

also check out my post gimmie some feed back please.

That is just so great, for both of you. BUT.... (don't mean to be a downer here, just "being real", as Randy on Idol would say!) Just know that if your mood doesn't stay upbeat, if you don't want SF the next time he approaches you, this is NOT a setback. It will be a normal part of recovery. Been there, done that, so to speak, so I'm just giving you a head's up, and encouraging you to not let something like this change your ultimate goal - to fall in love and stay in love.

Your H is a swell guy, I can just sense it from him. And you seem to be a nice person too. As someone told me on my post today, don't push, it'll come.

Have a great weekend,

KJ

saenz,



That's probably what I was doing when you wrote this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I'm glad to hear my H is writing nice stuff about me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I think I deserve it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I told him I didn't care if he read my threads, but he didn't feel comfortable w/me reading his anymore so I am respecting his decision not to. He said he won't read mine either just to make it fair...fine w/me!

I know he is getting a lot of help from everyone here, though, and that is GREAT!!

--CO

CO, that is just incredible that you had such an emotionally intimate and bonding night with H that carried into the morning.

I really think that the work day with your dd really helped to lift your spirits and remind you of why you were working so hard on the M in the midst of this great pain.

The way you two lead into your first SF was just how my H and I did. Not planned, but felt like a natural progression out of some emotionally intimate time spent together one evening.

I am proud of you. I hope the last couple days will help boost your confidence in this process and help you to see how worthwhile the hard work and mucky yuck is.

Your self thoughts during and after SF were just perfect! You are already learning how to deny satan a foothold in your mind. He loves to remind you of why you are struggling right now and DOES NOT want you to have a successful recovery. Keep that in mind and look to the Lord daily for your sustanance. Let Him be your guide through all of this and let Him control your thoughts, not the evil one.

Have a good day today, and keep up the good work. Don't be discouraged if you start to feel down again...it is a process, a journey. You are running the race well, dear.

Keep up the good work!
Many blessings,
Glad

KJ



That is the great thing about MB. I do expect this from everything I've read on this site. I understand this may happen and it doesn't mean we're not still moving forward. I am taking things one day at a time.

Thanks for always being so honest w/me. I appreciate it. I don't always want to hear just the good things, you know?? I like the truth!! It keeps me grounded.

--CO

Glad,

I really think the workday with my DD helped me also. It did bring my spirits up and was a reminder ALL day of what I am fighting for.



My H always reminds me of how the devil will try to get a foothold. I agree. I am trying lots of ways to get these "evil" thoughts out of my head and focus on NOW. Sometimes it is really hard, but I just pray and ask God to help me stop thinking that way and give me the strength to think positive things instead of negative. It's amazing how God has been so helpful to me through all of this.

--CO

Hello everyone.

Just wanted to update. We did the EN questionnaire this morning. There is a lot I have to work on. This is really going to be tough work. I mainly just want HIM to do all the work right now. I'm not at the point yet where I feel ready but from what I've read on here we need to start this now to move forward.

There are a lot of areas I need to work on, the biggest is affection. I ALWAYS had a problem with this so I am going to have to work extra hard on this. This whole EN thing is really hard when you are a BS. Any BS have any suggestions on how to keep focused on meeting them and keeping your mind off negative things??

I did just send him an e-mail to his account to say "I love you." I guess that's a start <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

--CO

Hey CO,

As you may recall, I am the FWW, but hope you'll listen to what I have to say about how my BH started meeting my EN's and what a difference it made in our recovery.

There's lots of opinions on here about who has a more difficult time making deposits into one's love bank, the BS or ths FWS (you'll read about love banks if you read His Needs/Her Needs). In my sitch, I was really lucky. My H took the lead, (just the opposite of you and your H). For weeks, he did everything to meet my EN's, and I did very little. Not sure what you've read about withdrawl or fog-thinking, but I had a lot of issues with both in the first few weeks after d-day. Imagine this. Here I am, still day dreaming about the OM, still wondering if I'm making the right decision to stick it out in my M, and there's my H making love deposits right and left. Unreal effort on his part, but he did it, and still is.

Why? Because he wants to save our M and our family, more than anything in the world. Is that what you want to do? I have a feeling the answer is yes. Do you really need any other reason?

How? This is a many-part answer. We floundered around for a few days until he found this website. He read the entire site, got into this forum, got me reading and into this forum, and ordered the books. We went together to see my psychiatrist (I have a bipolar disorder) because my moods were swinging so high and low that I couldn't possibly focus on anything else. We both saw an IC who was somewhat helpful. We both saw another IC who suggested we seperate after meeting with us for 40 Minutes! Now I know the importance of finding a good IC and MC! We live in a rural area, so we never did find a good MC. Then a miracle happened. I said to my H, "too bad Dr. Harley couldn't be our therapist!" My H looked into it, came to me and said, "Guess what? Dr. Harley's practice is out of St. Paul, MN!" I just about fell to the floor. This is only 2 hours from our house! So my H set up our first appt. How cool is it that we don't need to drive anywhere to talk with the greatest marriage "coach" ON THIS PLANET! Sound over-the-top? Well, it's not, and if you talk to him just one time, you'll see what I mean. Remember the first IC we spoke with? He charged us $250.00 an hour. Dr. Steve Harley charges $185.00 per hour, and we ALWAYS go over our hour with him! Our insurance doesn't cover MC, but we figure, if it saves our M, it doesn't matter how in debt we get. I sort of digressed there, sorry!

Maybe I'm no help to you at all. What I should do is have my H post to you, to really get the scoop on the "how" of what he's been doing. I can answer the "why" part for him though, as I did above.

You're going to have to meet your H's EN's if you want to save your M and your family. Plain, but NOT simle! Chew a little off at a time, don't feel the need to cure your M overnight. Thanks to MB and SH, we have made such strides in only 2 months. You may not even realize this, but you ARE making strides in the right direction. After all, you guys DID have SF, right?! Give yourself credit for that, and every little thing you do to help in the recovery of your M. I wish everyone could have an H like mine, but everyone is not so lucky.

You're going to pull through this, I just know it! Keep up the good work!

God bless,

KJ

Hi CO,

I agree that you are making great strides! Just read the first page of this thread and you can see it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really empathized with your statements about meeting his EN's right now being hard work and just wanting to sit back and let him do all the work even though you know you need to jump in too in order to have a whole and successful recovery from this...this...I don't even know what to call it! Tragedy? Insanity? Well, we both know what it is deep down, having lived it.

We are strong women, CO. Don't you ever forget it. I truly believe in the beginning it is the stronger person and couple that makes the difficult decision to stay the course and committ to recovery. I am very proud of you and feel myself encouraged to "witness" in you and sorry what I and my dh have already travelled through.

Oh, I had more I was going to say, but my dh is home with paint for 7 yo dd room. We are going to have her sleep with 3 and 5 yo sisters tonight and surprise her with her painted room tomorrow!

Blessings! I will "talk" to you soon!
Glad

dear co---you dont know me yet but i have been following your story and i have posted to your hubby.(im not sure he likes me but hey, im honest!!lol)

as far as meeting the needs and getting into the habit....get a small pocket calendar....then take the top five needs.....take the first need and think of different ways to meet it and write them down on a piece of paper. do the same with the others. ok now you've got this paper with five top needs and at least three different ways to meet each one.(he should be doing the same by the way...lol) then schedule it on your calendar....start small, pick two needs and one way to meet each....schedule them for the first week on the calendar. here's an example....may 2--affection----give him a 20 minute massage with oils and candles. may 5---admiration---write him a letter telling him about one thing he did in the past that you admire him for......

hopefully you get the idea.....

do two a week for the first month....then three...then four...and eventually you are in the habit of meeting at least one need a day for life! i know it doesnt sound romantic at first, but harley told us this and it really did work. it becomes habit and enjoyable. also and this is critical....after two weeks show each other your lists and go over them....let each other know what is working and what isnt. suggest things that will work better. no one wants to jump through hoops for nothing...lol you have to go over the results with each other.....

good luck.....and stay strong.

Good Sunday Morning!

I wanted to finish my thought from last night before I lost it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You were talking about how you want to just sit back and let your H do all the work but you know that you need to participate as well, but its hard.

What helped me was to try and compartmentalize the affair as we moved into recovery. What I mean by that is that I tried to separate in my mind the growth and recovery of this marriage that I wanted to successfully be in from the recovery and healing from the A. I tried to do this about 3 weeks after d-day when we did the EN's together.

So my efforts at meeting his EN's felt to me like I was being the kind of wife I wanted to be and that he needed, and the return was a growing, healthier relationship/marriage.

I, of course, still was suffering from the A and I continued IC for another month. This is where I was able to get help for my feelings about the A and what to do with the movies in my head and constant assault of thoughts. This doesn't mean that my H and I never talked about my feelings about the A though. We continued to do that at home and then he had an opportunity to fill EN's when he listened---honesty and openness and communication.

Regarding Nikkos post...Just in case you felt overwhelmed by her two examples (I mention this because I, myself, would not have been able to give him a 20 min massage or write a letter in the early stages) I wanted to encourage you that even little things add up to big rewards in the marriage. I don't know what his top needs are, but even things like a genuine smile directed at him, a quick rub on the back as he walks by, an enthusiastic "You did a great job on that!" are all ways to fill needs throughout each day.

And again, to give another idea if your personality would not fit with the pocket calendar idea. (If it does that would be great, Nikko I think it was very good advice, I just know my personality would never have been able to organize it in this way).....What my H and I did to stay on top of the EN's was to meet each week with our questionaires and first tell eachother a couple specific things we appreciated about how the other met some EN's that week. Then we each pulled out 2 or 3 EN's that were important to us and went back over them with the other, giving some examples of how the other could best meet that need. So then that would be our goal for the week, to meet the ENs in the areas that the other specifically expressed in that discussion.

The main thing here is that we both stopped expecting the other to be a mind reader! That was a huge problem for us pre-a...we just waited around for the other to read our minds and do what we needed them to do. Doesn't work! This is one of the reason I love Harley's EN's, they helped us so very much!

I hope you will have a blessed Sunday with your family, CO!
Glad

Yes, I do want to save our M and family. That is what I try to keep telling myself when I'm feeling down.

You guys are really luck to counsel with SH. Right now we are in the process of finding an IC. Our pastor has given us some recommendations and I have to check my insurance too. I'm hoping the IC will help both of us.