Glad,

Thanks for believing in me. It means a lot!

I hope your painting goes well. Your DD will be so surprised and happy!! Good luck!

--CO

nikko,

Thanks for your ideas. I will try them. I see what you mean about them becoming habit. It makes sense. I think it will be easier for me in the beginning if I do set things up on a calendar to keep my mind on the right track.

--CO

It's not luck, it's a committment. We really can't "afford" it, but then we really can't "afford" to lose our M and our family unit. It is a blessing, that's for sure.

IC will help you both, if you get a good one. I'd recommend MC even while you're both in IC too. Like I said previously, finding the right MC is like the needle in the haystack thing.

Have you read HN/HN yet? Please do (don't make me beg like I had to do for your H! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)

Have a lovely Sunday,

KJ

Glad,

How did your painting go? I hope it went well:)! Was your DD surprised?

Thanks for your advice. I understand where you're coming from with it being hard to "jump" into the ENs. I am planning on taking little steps as you suggested. I am going to do the calendar thing too like nikko said. I am going to put them on my work calendar and that way whenever I get to work I can see what I have to do for that day.

I agree about the 20 min. massage being too much for me right now. My H's top need is affection. I plan on e-mailing him a little note or whatever I have time for every day. I also plan on picking up cards at the store and like you said, give a quick rub on the back, snuggle with him when we watch TV. I think these are all things I can handle for now. I think he will notice them too since I was never into this kind of stuff before. He will see that I am truly trying.



This was our problem too! We do have a lot in common. I didn't have a problem communicated to my H but I expected him to know what to do to fix it. I didn't feel like I should tell him, he should just know what to do. Also, he did the same with me. He never communicated well with me, but he just expected me to do things he wanted and I had no idea they were things he wanted. The A has really brought out all of the things we were lacking pre-A. I just wish we could have fixed them without the A ever happening. I am a very open and willing person and would have done anything if he would have asked me and let me know how he was feeling.

But that is a whole other thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I have been doing good lately also because I am doing "me" time. Thurs. I went for a 3 mile walk by myself and yesterday I laid out and today I went for another 3 mile walk by myself and laid out again. I never got to spend "me" time before b/c I always felt guilty about not being with the kids or not cleaning the house when it needed to be cleaned. But now that H is helping around the house I can take this time to myself. It was much needed!!

I hope things keep going well. I'll keep you updated on the ENs.

Have a great day!

--CO

KJ

I understand about affording it. We were going to a counselor together and it was draining us. It did do us good for the time being. I know about finding a good MC. That is why we asked our pastor b/c he is on the same page as us. I'm hoping we can do the IC at our church with their counselor. I just have to find out if the insurance covers it. We are really strapped for money right now especially since my H was in the hospital for a week and didn't work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />!

I didn't read HN/HN yet. My H ordered it and it should be here soon. We will both read it. He told me how you recommended it to him and he speaks highly of you so he wanted to take your advice.

Thanks for the recommendation!

--CO

CO, bear with me here, I just want to clear the air for at least one person (Nikko), and I need to involve you. Nikko recently wrote this on your H's thread:

ok---im gonna be the not liked person again and that is ok but i also want to point out something thats buggin me. kiwi jump in if ya want....

i know kiwi told you im very different than the impression you have gotten here from me. there is a reason for it. you are looking for me to bolster you and pump you up so to speak, praise, admiration etc for the things you are doing. believe me i get that.....you also need to know that with my boundries i DO NOT do that for any other man other than my hubby. i do not give admiration to other men easily. i do not bolster their self esteeme for a reason guys.....i am getting the willies from you and kari jean. i think there is too much bantering and bolstering going on and way to much familiarity going on. you guys are both newly outed, hopefully former ws's. how does this help with your boundries?

if i came on here and saw my fwh making and receiving posts like this...talking for each other, answering for him and the banter.....i would be very uncomfortable. you guys need to think about this before you both jump on me and shoot this down. i am trying to help and i think you are getting dangerously close to blurring the lines......

ok----let the lynching begin......LOL(and dont worry, i have very thick skin.....)

And this was my reply:

Well, if it'll make you feel better, here I go, protecting my weaknesses!

Sorry, I like you a lot. Even if you were a woman, I'd like you a lot. But you are a man. So let me set something straight with you. I am a woman who wants to remain married. I do not want to have an A with you, or anyone else, ever again! I am going to copy and paste this post to your W, so she knows this as well.

Nikko, your post was your honest opinion, I can appreciate that. Might I recommend that in the future, you get to know people before making such a harsh judgement about them. I talk to sorry and CO (his W) in equal time. I am their #1 fan for recovery in their M. Sorry is a FWS, so am I. On this forum, it has been difficult for me to find other FWS's to whom I can relate to as a person, not just sharing our title.

No need to lynch you here! I'm gonna cut and paste now, thanks.

KJ


Okay?! I really do like you and your H, but as I stated above, have no other motivation for talking to your H. I'm very proud of him for ordering HN/HN. After you both read it, re-do your EN questionnaire, you will be shocked how you'll change some of your rankings, and the rationale behind the change.

Have a great day!

KJ

KJ,

Thanks for filling me in. I don't understand why nikko would say that stuff. It is ashame that people aren't even allowed to compliment eachother on the work they do without someone thinking there is something more. I realize this is an infidelity forum, but I think most the people here are here for one thing only....HELP!! We aren't looking for someone else to cheat with and if we were, we wouldn't do it on a thread so everyone could see. I'm not even a WS and I feel offended.

I know my H appreciates your HELP and your HONESTY. That is what is important. My H has told me you are very honest with him even if you don't agree so that tells me you are not all about compliments. You are about helping him and giving him advice when needed and complimenting him when needed. You do the same for me and I never thought anything different.

I speak for my H and me when I say thanks for helping us through this difficult time and we appreciate your effort to help us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

Thanks for clearing that up with nikko too!

--CO

As my sign-on date indicates ... I've been here a long time

and ALL of us oldsters are PAINFULLY aware that strong opposite-sex attachments can HAVE start ON THESE BOARDS ... we need to be warned when others percieve we have crossed a line ... and we need to warn others when we percieve they are too close to the line ... vulnerabilities are great when newly-wounded arrive here ... and YOU are no exception

Nikko is not blowing smoke at you ... she is being a valuable warning light on your MarriageBuilders dashboard!

experience has taught us to be wary of too much bonding between men and women ... and to SPEAK OUT when we become attentive to the fact that something is just a little too close for comfort.

this is not the first
nor will it be the last of this type of caution

Nikko did you a service

Pep

thanks pep......but im bowing out now. warning light off....

If you read through my thread, you'll see nikko NEVER mentioned this to me only KJ did!!



Did who a service? As I said, she never mentioned this to me only to my H. KJ mentioned it to me out of respect.

And, also, as I said, if my H wanted to cheat on me I highly doubt he would do it in front of the whole MB forum including me who could easily go on and read his posts!

My H showed me KJ's posts to him and I find NO OFFENSE to them whatsoever. As I've stated, she doesn't just compliment, she also criticizes him too.

I would like to be warned if there was a "real" risk of cheating, but I don't see that in this situation!! I feel this was all blown out of proportion by nikko <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

--CO

Let's all hope so

but we oldsters have learned we'd rather play it safe

err on the side of caution

so HOPEFULLY Nikko is INcorrect ... and I'm certain she feels this way as well

Pep

actually Nikko did KJ a service

a newbie FWW ought not get over-involved in another struggling marriage situation

that involvement is often a MAJOR distraction and a way of avoidance of taking care of the home fires

KWIM?

Someone with more than 2 years of solid personal/marriage recovery is less likely to allow their own marriage to go un-tended ... KJ is a very sweet newbie who is being very helpful and solicitous at her own expense

make more sense now?

Pep

just for clarification....i never accused anyone of anything. what i said was i thought there was too much bantering and familiarity. i did not say anyone wanted to have an affair with anyone. it is all about boundries.

your husband co asked if i could praise him about what he is doing and give him kuddo's for it. what i was trying to explain is i am not comfortable with doing that for any man other than MY husband. that is my own personal boundry. i thought i would explain that so he would hopefully understand why i dont do that on his thread. i am bowing out now...i thought i owed YOU an explaination. i meant no disrespect to you and i certainly never said they were wanting to have an affair.

Pepperband,

You're right, I am a newbie here, but I don't see what is wrong with sharing things i've learned with others. As I've said many times in different posts, it benefits me (and therefore my H) to be on here and to repeat, in writing, what I have learned from SH and MB's. I can assure you, my home fires are burning just fine. Also, I do make posts on here asking for help in my own sitch, it's not like I think I am a know-it-all.

Nikko made false assumptions. She can be cautitious, you can be cautious, everyone should be cautious when it comes to boundaries and protecting your weaknesses. Heck, I wrote a whole post on protecting your weaknesses.

Newbies, or old-timers, I believe we can learn from each other. After all, most of us were taught to respect our elders, but also that old dogs can learn new tricks!

Looking forward to hearing more from everyone here. I never mean to offend, and have yet to hand out any 2x4's. Let's just move on with this otherwise very helpful thread, shall we?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,

KJ

kari jean...stop it! i did not make any assumptions and i did not accuse anyone of anything! i said i was uncomfortable with the lack of boundries. please stop inflaming this.....for someone who doesnt like spats you sure are good at instigating one. please show me or anyone here where i accused you of wanting to have an affair. this is about boundries....simple boundries......

and as far as not meaning to offend....are you kidding me???

Hi CO,
Just wanted to say hi tonight and I'm glad to hear that things are continuing to move in a recovering direction for you.

I was quite worried about you a few days ago. It is really wonderful to hear that the darkness you were experiencing is not quite so dark the last couple days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read and post on both yours and your H threads, so I have read what has been discussed by KJ, your H, nikko, and now Pep. I think I will not offer any .02 at this time. I'm sure that felt a little stressful to you both.

This is a great board that I lurked at since 7/03 until just recently when I decided to sign on. It is amazing to see the same "old-timers" here that were around when I entered this "club" that noone wants to join continuing to help people and try and guide them through recovering their marriages. I don't want either of you to feel discouraged and side-tracked from the hard work you are doing...continue to focus on each other only...that is the main point. You are very caring and concientious to reply to all who post to you. Everyone here brings something subtly different and potentially valuable to the plate. Well...I guess I did maybe add .01 there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Painting is going well! We actually ended up painting the dining room last night because the girls had such a dreadful bedtime trying to sleep together that we put them all back in their own beds! So her room is being painted right now as she and her 5 yo sister are trying to sleep in my bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We just moved here 5 months ago...so we need to pretty much paint every room!

Have a good night with your H and girls.
Blessings,
Glad

[color:"red"] a newbie FWW ought not get over-involved in another struggling marriage situation [/color]

this is actually excelent advice

if I do say so myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your assumptions were that sorry and I were unaware of our boundaries, that we were crossing into dangerous territory. I am simply trying to tell you, we were not. As we all know, crossing boundaries (like the ones we are referring to here), leads to affairs. This is not sorry's or my intention.

Seriously, this has really gotten out of whack. For what it's worth, I am sorry for offending you and anyone else. There is always danger of misunderstandings when emailing people (even people you know well!), I guess this is one such sitch.

Like you, I'm bowing out of this discussion now. Please accept my sincere apology (I'm getting better at doing apologies these days!). Thank you.

KJ

Keep posting, keep helping. KJ, I've written the same thing on Sorry's thread as well.

It's so important that everyone is protected. The BS, the FWS, the helpers. That's all anyone is concerned about.

Now I'd like to see everyone getting back to CO's and Sorry's recovery cos as far as I can see it's doing well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

can't we all just get along?

Co how was your weekend, good i hope. how are things w/ the hubby.