Considering what you said to him in front of the Pastor, I'm not sure I'd want to come clean either. He may be scared to death that you WILL divorce him. You threatened the honesty, see?

If honesty is the one thing you want most, make it safe for him to give it to you. If you can't take it in person, do it in e-mail conversations. That way, you can vent and break cheap walmart dishes and not LB him. Point is, if he's afraid of being punished for being honest, where's his incentive?

drexxell,

Are you saying I should find out about the whole A? We are half a year since the A. I honestly don't know if now I am ready. I was in November, but I don't know if I can handle it anymore. Do you see where I'm coming from? Should I still ask questions I want answers to about why he did certain things or are you talking about being honest with our feelings at the present time?? Of course I still have lots of unanswered questions. Where do him or I draw the line?

BTW, he's home now. He is coming downstairs to read your posts in a minute.

--CO

I only got that way after my discovery of more lies after d-day. I didn't act that way when it first happened. The third night I found out about the A I sat him down and just listened and asked him everything. Of course, he lied then too, so it got to the point after finding out more lies that I threatened him. It wasn't until then. I just didn't know what to do and that was what I came up with.

--Co

The Policy of Radical Honesty is telling your spouse EVERYTHING that you know about yourself, past, present and future. I sincerely believe that if the two of you have any chance of rebuilding a meaningful relatioinship, there can be NO secrets at all. If you can't hear it all in one night, then don't.

And no sneak attacks. If one of you isn't emotionally prepared, don't do it. Honesty, plain and simple. Remember, it's not the honesty that hurts. The hurt has already happened. Once you get it all out, you'll both feel better in the long run. There won't be the nagging questions (CO) or the fear of beratement (IASS).

You may find yourselves miserable for a day or two following so don't get into it if you don't have recovery time. As long as you promise one another to be respectful and set ground rules for a SAFE conversation, I think you'll be fine.

And hey, lock the kids out of the bedroom. Just don't love bust in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sweetie...at one point i actually posted i wouldnt believe what came out of my husbands mouth if he had a shocking mechanism like a lie detector attached to his balls...lol

trust me i know what you mean. it took me years and i have no idea if i even have all the truth now. i did however get to a point where i had ENOUGH of the truth and let the rest go. i know exactly what is going through your mind right now...im nuts.lol im not, really. i also have a line in the sand with the no more lies...he continued to lie until not that long ago. about stupid things...you wouldnt believe it. this is why i am posting to you and your husband....i see us in you guys and hopefully i can help you NOT make the mistakes we did.

i am gonna tell you this so you know what im about to do....i am gonna get a little tough on your hubby about the with holding the truth....he isnt gonna like me again.lol thats ok though....he needs to hear some truths from someone who possibly can explain YOUR pain to him. i have been known to be verbally graphic...lol so just so you know...i am not beating up on him and i do have a goal in mind. bear with me...lol

you have to prepare yourself for all of this....it is probably no where near as bad as you have allready made it in your mind but it will suck to hear and is gonna hurt like another d-day all over again. it will be another d-day again. you need to learn to keep your mouth shut. showing pain is fine...lashing out in pain is a no-no. hang on...its gonna get ugly but it will get better if you can hang on...

any change in meds....are they kicking in yet?

Folks, have an awesome night. I've got to get going. I'll try to check in tomorrow and look for updates as to how it all went. G'Nite everyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

drexxell,

I don't know if I'm ready for radical honesty. As I said before, I don't think I can handle it anymore. I don't want to know any details. I think the only thing I need to know is what he was thinking at certain times. I always ask what he was thinking when this happened or that happened. I don't think the details will do me any good at this point. They would have 6 months ago, but not anymore. I am so emotionally drained, it would just make me worse and I can't go there right now. Maybe sometime far away I can handle it, but not now.

We did have a talk tonight. I showed him all your posts. The main problem he has is when I told him to move back in after D-day 2 I told him I wouldn't ask anymore questions so he is holding me to that. I told him I just wanted to move forward (which I did). I can't help it I've "fallen" behind again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Our talk went well. I just listened and made comments every now and then. We ended off kind of bad I told him I didn't want him going on vacation with our DDs anymore by themselves. This was a tradition he had with them since my 8 year old was born. But I just can't trust him knowing that he called and said good night and he loved them all while laying in bed with OW. That scares me. Also, they went with to the airport to drop him off for his weekend and that didn't phase him either so I just don't trust him no matter who's with him. If he wants to cheat, he'll find a way.

He took really great offense when I told him this and said to divorce him then b/c he's not giving it up. Then about 5 minutes later he said he understands and he told me his priorities are God, then me, then the kids so he will do that for me. I told him we can all go as a family, I just don't want him to be anywhere without me. Now I realize this is ridiculous but until the trust is there, he's not going anywhere without me. And I mean on an overnight, not to the grocery store or something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I think that's reasonable. What do you guys think?

--CO

Hey there CO...

I have been off the computer all day, and wow, its been quite a day here for you!

Don't forget that you are on the rollercoaster. I think in an upswing we tend to forget that we are still on the rollercoaster and because of that there are going to continue to be dips, twists, turns until the ride comes to a complete stop and safety harnesses are released. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are getting some really great postings today. I am glad there is such wisdom here for you.

I think the email reading was covered, but just to be redundant....don't do that again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good for you for realizing how toxic that was to you and for completely deleting them.

I want to address where your need lies in finding out what the truth is regarding the A. What I am hearing today is that you do not want actual outward details of the A, but you want to pick his brain on all the emotional/intellectual inner details of why? how? what? with regards to what his thought processes were at each moment of the A? Is that accurate?

This is going to suck to hear, but I don't know if there are any answers to those questions that will satisfy. I asked my H all these kinds of questions, and at the end of the day and even to this day, it really boils down to "I don't know how I could have done such a stupid thing, I don't know what I was thinking, I was an idiot, I wasn't thinking". And at this point, I think that is an honest answer. Now that Iam's brain is back in reality he probably can't even answer his own internal questions of why he did such a stupid, selfish, hurtful thing to his W and girls.

Trying to get an answer that will satisfy to these kinds of questions is hard. Not because he isn't willing to answer, but he doesn't have an answer sometimes. And that is frustrating.

All that said, I want to also say that I think it is still important to talk about it when you need to. Its all in how you frame it, approach it, though. So for example, instead of saying "How could you lay there with her while on the phone with me and the girls??" Say instead "It just hurts me so badly to think about you being with her when you were saying goodnight to me and the girls on the phone. I can't get that thought out of my mind and I don't know what to do with it."

See, there is no question there, but it prompts a response from him, even if it is just for him to say, "I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did that either." Wouldn't that sound more comforting than pressing for an answer that really doesn't exist? Start thinking on how you can reframe your questions into statements about how you feel about them and then give him an opportunity to respond to your feelings.

I think it is completely reasonable to have a boundary in place that your H does not go on any overnights without you. Totally. My H and the OW went out to lunch during the work day a lot...now he has a policy that he never goes out to lunch alone with any female coworker, nor rides in a car alone with another female. He also used to go out for drinks or dinner after work a lot, always saying it was a business dinner. Well after d-day that was stopped and he very rarely goes out after work anymore. He also talked to OW everyday for an hour on his way home from work (I know this from cell phone bills--I looked through his cell bill probably for a year after d-day))...now he calls me on his way home from work. Another very important thing is he has a firm rule that he absolutely does not talk about anything personal with women in the office. I just can't believe the stories he has told me since then of young women coming into his office to "talk" to him about their man troubles and ask about how he keeps up his marriage. Geeesh! We are both so tuned in now to how these are not appropriate conversations, even if they start out innocently.

These are all just examples of putting boundaries in place to protect your M and honor your spouse above anyone else. I was so insecure and felt so stupid and foolish for not having seen it going on, that for awhile he would tell me about every single interaction he had with a woman and even the briefest of conversations just so I would know who he was interacting with. He did this to help me to feel safe. And after awhile it really did help me feel safe and okay that he was out in the workplace.

Goodness, I am sorry this is getting long...the main point there was--no it is not unreasonable at all to only have him go on overnights with you along.

I also wanted to quick address how hard and fast he seems to be holding to your promise to never bring up the A when you asked him back home. That is just so unreasonable, IMO, to hold you to, when what you are trying to recover from is the A! You were in a trauma fog of your own....if we are not supposed to hold them to stupid things when they are in their "fog", why would you need to be held to that statement in your traumatic state?

((((CO)))) You are doing great work here. Yes, there will continue to be really bad, icky days. But there will also be some brighter moments and days that will start sprinkling in there.

Don't feel overwhelmed by the "two year" timeframe everyone talks about. It does not feel like what you are feeling right now for two years. I promise.

Have a good night,
Glad

Okay, I know I'm an FWW, but i do have some thoughts for you that might be helpful. What SH had my H and I discuss about my A, was this. He had me give my H a "timeline" of when things occured during my A. He said to leave out the gorry details, that my H never needs to know the gorry details because this does not promote healing. Anyway, I just told him when I first met the OM, who he was (name, city of residence, where he worked), how I met him, when and where we would meet and how often. I came clean about an overnight I spent with OM while I arranged for my kids to be at a friend's house. I gave him other specific times I was with OM, that I knew my H could recall me being gone. My H said this was very helpful, and that he didn't want to know the gorry details. Just something for you to consider doing together, it was helpful for us.

Radical Honesty does not mean you need to know everything that went on. It means your H should answer any and all questions that you have. If you want to know the gorry details, then he should answer your questions about them. The whole agreement, is that you are asking the questions, he answers them. If you don't want to know the answers, don't ask the questions!

Doing everything with him is the perfect thing to do. My H and I are still in that mode, and I have come to love it. I'd forgotten how much I used to like spending time with him. It's not a burden anymore, it's something we both look forward to. Your H should agree to do this for you, no ifs, ands, or buts. And I AM talking about even trips to the grocery store! One of my H's worst fears, is having me run into the OM when he's not with me. Well, if he's always with me, he doesn't need to have this concern, and for me, it's worth that.



Yes. He very well could have thought he was happily married. But still, he allowed someone else to make deposits into his love bank, to meet his most important EN's. As SH has told me, it IS possible for someone to love two people at the same time. Now doesn't that just suck!! BUT.... he's chosen you.

Your H really does need his EN's met at this time. I know that sounds just horribly selfish, but trust me on this one, 'cuz I do have experience with this. As much as you are hurting, as much as you detest him at times, please try to remember this. Otherwise, it's just a vicious cycle of you not meeting his needs, so he's not gonna meet your needs. If ya think about this cycle, isn't it so very childish?! I can't believe my H and I have spent 16 years doing this very thing!

Don't beat yourself up for "falling behind again." It won't be the last time you have a setback. As long as you can talk things through, you'll both be okay. It is okay to be human ya know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I have been meaning to ask about your meds too. Any changes there? Still say you should consult a psychiatrist for help in this area. Sleep meds are a good thing to ask about too. If you're not getting enough quality sleep, how do you think your coping skills are going to be?

I gotta get to bed. Check in with ya'll tomorrow. Good night and God bless,

KJ

have him read joseph's letter if he hasnt. i had someone post it on the josephs letter thread. print it out and give it to him. let him read it.

we as a couple dont do separate vacations. best gift i can give my kids is letting them see us in a loving strong relationship...not separate from each other. i have some stuff to do today---doctors and all..lol...get him to read that letter.

CO,

Ok. I'll try to clarify my position on Radical honesty. KJ helped me make my position on it. I don't mean that you should grab a bag of popcorn and curl up for mental movie night while he tells he story in graphic detail. Ask the questions that are important to you to know, but be understanding if his answers are difficult to verbalize or he just doesn't know.

IASS,

You ever go to a restaurant and order something and then when it gets out to the table, you're like, "Hmm, this isn't really what I wanted..." You eat a few bites, box up the rest, go home and eat something else?

Ever go to the ice cream shop and get blue ice cream thinking it's raspberry and it turns out to be bubble gum?

These are a couple of examples of how making a decision without having all the information or knowing what exactly it is you want can cost you a few bucks.

Now, let's say money is no object and you take CO to the ice cream shop and she gets the wrong flavor of "blue". You would have no trouble getting up to get her the right flavor of "blue", right? But get this, this ice cream shop has a strange policy and they give you the right flavor just because you asked for it.

I don't think CO knew which flavor of "blue" she was asking for when she invited you back after D-Day 2. I think her "no questions" statement made sense to her at the time. Try giving her a small scoop of the right flavor of "blue" once a day. But only if she asks for it.

You guys, KJ makes some good points. I want to touch on one. Don't wait for each other to do for you before you do for the other one. Be proactive, not reactive. Work your little fannies off to make deposits. It may not seem like it's paying off when it's happening but it will. And don't expect that you're both going to trust instantly that what the other is doing and changing is going to last either.

A husband heard a lecture on marriage and love and on his way home from work picked up a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. His wife says, "Oh, this is just terrible." weeping. "The baby cut his finger, I burned your dinner because I couldn't get rid of the vacuum cleaner salesman, the sink is stopped up . . . and you come home drunk!"

Right after D-Day for us, I asked my wife out for coffee. No dice. She didn't want a THING to do with me. Years of resentment building up for stuff I never knew I'd done and she never said anything about. Years of guilt, feeling like she had to please me to make herself feel better. But I was making deposits. Anything I could think of to make deposits I did. Did I make some withdrawals in the last month? A few, but my deposits were much more than my withdrawals.

I know this because Sunday we went out dancing for the second week in a row, right? So, we're driving home and she reaches out for my hand. Then she says, "Maybe we can do this again Tuesday night." I said, "You bet, that sounds like fun. I'd love to go dancing with you again." Honestly, I wasn't even thinking about what day she had just said. I knew we had been talking about repeating this particular date every weekend because we were having so much fun.

Then there was that little voice. You know the one that smacks you in the back of the head because you just missed something important? I said, "Wait a second." grinning like a fool. "Did you just ask me out?" She just looked at me. I said, "And on a weeknight?" She said, "Pencil me in."

That's a month after being flat out rejected for coffee. You can do this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning CO!

Hang in there today, you are really doing a wonderful job.

I just wanted to give you a heads up, so it doesn't look like I disappeared, that my mom is coming into town today for the week. The computer is in the guest room so I don't know if I will be able to get on much to check in on you. I will purpose to pray for you and Iam this week.

Is your 8 yo in ballet or anything like that? My 7 yo has her ballet recital tonight (my mom is surprising all the girls, they don't know she is flying in) and I chaperoned her class for the dress rehersal last night and she is such a beautiful little ballerina...these are special moments. Hold on to these kinds of special moments and cherish them as a family. We call ourselves TEAM B****. My girls know that the 6 of us are a team, and God is our coach. The team will never be broken.

Blessings to you today,
Glad

ok---homework for today......can you write down a list of the question that you want him to answer. i say write it down cause its easier to stay on track that way. lets go over the list and see if some of the questions can be chucked......some of the things we think we "need" to know just arent healthy....and after going over the list for a bit you may realize that.....

and where the heck is your hubby???? i get the mental picture of him sitting in the corner with his fingers in his ears going"LALALALALALA.....I CAN'T HEAR YOU....." lol

Hi everyone!

Thanks for all of your responses. I do want to comment on them, but I am very busy at work and won't get time until tonight when I get home.

Also, H is busy today (filling my ENs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)and won't be able to get on till probably tomorrow. He wanted me to let you guys know.

Talk to you guys later!!

--CO

I have been reading both threads - the desire to go over the past? I don't agree that it is foolish, sometimes you have to revisit to see where you came from - what the basis of your pain is - especially when you are dealing with a WH who is maybe expecting you to meet his needs when you have been damaged by a bomb blast that has left you staggering and devastated. Of course you will say things (divorce) and go back and forth. Most bomb victims who can still walk do. He may be in a fog, but you are still coming out of a stunned situation, and when he glosses over truth - or uses brutal honesty instead of radical honesty, then you feel the need to go back and make sure you DO have a basis, that their was a bomb blast and you WERE the one hurt.

Now this hurts again but it also strengthens your resolve to take care of yourself and not listen to anymore of his LBs or let him deflect his responsibilities on to you.

So give yourself a break - stop feeling you have to give all the MBs on here some kind of vow that you won't revisit old times again. We each have our own journey to make - we fall back and make advances and, hopefully meet others on here who have been the same way and feel we are not alone in our sitch or how we view our actions.

I think you are slap bang in the middle of normal responses to how he is behaving. And he is about the same for where he finds himself. Still in the fog a bit - definitely in some denial and feeling more of his pain than he does yours. He seems to feel fear more than respond to your pain.

These things take time - I have been one here for a while - sometimes posting sometimes not - nearly four years since the first D day and we are still working on it, so I have a lot of experience of just about every sitch you see on here, working toward recovery, and the posts on this board have helped me more times than I can remember.

So don't feel too bad about going and reading the emails - it was a reaction to him glossing over your need to show pain - I have written to him about your pain and will find the post and put it on here for you.

-----------------------post begins here-----------------------------------------------------------
The amount of venting she does is in direct proportion to the pain you caused her and the amount of public (in front of children etc) venting she does is in direct proportion to how publicly she feels her shame and embarrassment were when you had the A and then lied about it. So what you are hearing are her howls of pain, shame and worthlessness. It doesn't matter if your affair lasted ten minutes or ten years - the depth of her pain is also in direct proportion to how deeply she loved and trusted you. It all has to balance out. You cannot know, so it is time to trust her to go through her own process. What you do will show her more than anything you can say. Each time you walk away when she is exhibiting her pain (yelling or whatever) - you re-injure her by her feeling worthless when you don't stay to hear her "howl" and that brings back the pain, as if for the first time.. And so it goes on.

I hope this clears some of your frustration at how long this will go on and why it seems to reignite from time to time. Walking away and getiing indignent will re injure her. Time to learn patience and humility.

It is the only way.

My WH has wasted 4 years trying to make ME do things his way - by punishing me and using his PAPD behaviours even more than usual and up front with blatant emotional abuse too. I am wary of saying this but I think he just saw what he has been doing, so we might have a fighting chance - after four years - it is pretty slim, I am worn out. Please don't wear your wife out trying to get her to do things in what you consider a reasonable (for you) way.

-------------------------------post ends here--------------------------------------------------------

The 180 gets me through the times when I feel I can't bear the painful behaviour - when he does things he knows are LBs but thinks it is OK as he "didnt mean it".

I has given me a structure to follow, I don't do them all, some are not appropriste within MB. Different horses for different courses - I try to use all the tools I have learned while adapting them to MB.

I still say I love you - even when he does LBs, but I say I do not like what you are doing. I love you - and that fact doesn't make it OK for you to contimue to refuse my ENs and drop willy nilly LBs as you please.

When I am on 180s he comes back to behaving much better - like I am more of the woman he wants and lesss of the one he has painted over that in his mind as an excuse for his behaviour.

Just a thought ....

SP

silver
you seem to have alot of knowledge, lot of good advise, wow i give all of you so much props for working on your marriage's to me it just seems to much work for someone who has broken that trust and broken my heart to fix things not to mention it will always be in the back of our heads of what they have done forever.

CO
hola mi amiga como estas. hehehe i can type in spanish even though the keys are in english.

Thanks everyone for your responses. You guys gave me some great advice and I appreciate it so much.

Sorry it took me so long to write back, but no news is good news in this case <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

My H has truly been very busy with my ENs. Two nights ago he put a flower on my pillow and put my cat there for me too (she sleeps with me every night). She actually stayed till I got to bed. It was sweet of my H. And since my mornings are so hard on me he said he is going to do something different every morning to keep my mind off of what I'm thinking. Today he got me white roses. He said they are my favorite. Funny, I didn't even remember telling him that. He said I told him in high school. That must have been about 13 years ago and he remembered. I told him I never really thought about what my favorite flower was b/c I never actually sat down and thought about it for a long time. But he remembered which was sweet of him.

Then today I decided to go home at lunch and visit him. He has been asking me to come home at lunch but I've been too busy at work that I couldn't get out. Today I was able to so I picked him up some of his favorite foods from near my job which he hasn't had in a long time. I took it home and he was happy for it. Then I went back into my "mean" mode(That is what he calls it). I guess I was just LBing about the A and he got upset. It was my fault. Then we ended up having a good conversation of what I was feeling and then he actually sat me down and answered some questions I had about the A. It was hard hearing, but I did as you guys told me and I just listened. It was hard not to comment but I didn't and I also promised him I would not bring any of it up again.

The main thing that was really painful for me to hear was that he told the OW about our M and our DDs. She had the nerve to ask to see a picture of our DDs that he had along with him and he showed her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />! She doesn't even deserve to see MY children. That actually hurt me more than all of the sex, the weekend and everything. How totally disrespectful of her to ask to see their picture??? I cried when he told me that and he realizes now how stupid he was to show her too and I told him he knows how much it hurt me, and I won't bring it up again. I know it took a lot for him to be honest about that b/c he knows how much my DDs mean to me. I put them before anyone, even myself!!

But I am still doing well even after hearing the things I heard. I feel I know enough right now and I think I really needed to hear those things he told me today.

Glad

I've also really been trying to take your advice on what you said about how I "present" my feelings to him. I am trying to word them the way you said. I think that is really helping me not be worse than I already am.

How was your daughter's ballet recital? What a great surprise for your children for your mother to come! I'm sure your DD looked adorable in her ballerina outfit. I love when my DDs dress up in ballerina outfits. They look so cute!!

--CO

silver



Thanks for this. It's good to know you agree with me and it makes me feel better to hear it. YOu are right about H expecting me to meet his needs when I have been damaged by a bomb blast. That is what is so hard about the EN thing for me. I am trying to heal at the same time.



You are right on with this! You read both of us really well. I also appreciate what you wrote to my H. I hope it gives him more of an understanding of what I'm going through. A lot of times it is hard for me to express myself to him b/c he takes it as a bash on him. It will be good for him to hear it from you who has been where I am.

Sorry for the painful road you're on as well! Stay strong!

--CO

Since when does he get do define what name your pain is called? My husband hearing this said "Is he passive aggressive too?"



Since when is showing pain by a behaviour LBing - is this his description and label? - He knows what this really is, as you know - I explained in my post to him.




I would say it was your pain bubbling up - no fault - you didn't choose for him to have an A did you?




About time too and he needs to be ready to re-answer any time you need to go over it. This is what will make it go away.




Well done - although I am not sure why you are not allowed to comment - I listen to Dr Bill most mornings and have yet to hear him ask someone not to comment - just to be careful how they comment - in fact today (it was a repeat) and he departed from the "fix the LBs first" - everything in the books and this site are not written in stone.



Why do you have to keep promising him not to bring it up again - do you think that you can just push it down and it will go away? It will go away when you have enough trust in him, to know he will, at least answer about it instantly, honestly and being kind when he sees it has bubbled up and is hurting you. Not calling you names (mean mode) - That is a huge LB and absolutely forbidden by Dr. Bill - I have never heard him sway on that one.

Or is it his idea to ease his "pain"? That pain is called remorse and God put it in us to show us 100th of the pain we inflict on others.

I am not suggesting you should have free reign to nag or go on and on to be mean - but when it comes up and envelopes your day - he should be kind, as he would if it were a gaping wound that broke open from time to time. The better it is treated, the sooner it will heal.

Try putting it to him that way and maybe he will not feel so attacked - a classic sign of passive aggressive behaviour is to see the expression of pain inflicted on another by oneself, as a form of attack on oneself.



I know how you feel - one of my FWH's A's was with a friend who when I confronted her - after him, tried to be interested in our family when I told her I knew.



Well it took just as much energy as it did for him to do it - just somehow he doesn't think it is fun anymore now he is out of that part of the fog - W spouses never do.



Good - I found it was as if my life was a jigsaw - made up of lots of little bits. When I found out about the first A it was as if a gaping hole was torn in the jigsaw, and the truth filled it back in bit by bit over time. I didn't like the truth, but eventually I pieced it all back together and knew the truth of my marriage. I began to understand how he was thinking at the time. I didn't agree, but it made sense as he was more and more honest. I grew to know whom I was married to and who he really was then. The truth however bad, always plugged a gap - even when it was terrible - lies just made me feel worse - now I can tell a lie from the feeling in my soul. He is still telling me about women he had EA's with and is now realising it. It explains why he and they acted the way they did - I knew or met them all. He didn't stray far from home, ever. It was easy as I was so trusting. We all are.

Good for you - try not to beat yourself up for him being unable to see your pain as pain. He is really doing the best he can right now - you can help him by being direct about how your "bad moods" Maybe give the "mean mode" your own name - like the "pain rebound mode" I do not think it is good for your M recovery to be told you are mean when you are in pain - not healthy. What you need then is acknowledgement and a quick hug, just like it was a pain rebound from something nothing to do with him.

SP

i think you two have made a huge leap. but ya gotta stop promising to not ask anything else....its too early...lol

you may want to revisit what he just told you five more times....and you have the right....but making promises that are gonna unnerve YOU to try to keep is not realistic. we all do the questioning thing....we all usually revisit the questions a few times with our partners....its a normal reaction/response. you have to have integrity in your word as much as he does....so lets not make promises we cant keep. maybe a better way to handle it is....tell him thank you for being honest, tell him you may want to talk about this very thing again, but you will think about it for a bit before you bring it up. and tell him if you come to him calmly and ask a question....even if its one you asked before(the key is calmly, not in the heat of a battle...lol) it is one you really need answered and discussed. he will learn your cue.....but i really think you should write down the ones that have been knawing at you and keep a log of them. sometimes when you go to write a new one down, you look at the others and cross one off as not as important a few days later after thinking about it....

congrats.....you guys took a big step....but please remember you will still get angry, sad, depressed, etc....its all part of it....know its normal and seek him out for comfort if you can....