Hi Sarah!

We are having a fun summer so far down here, going to the pool and hanging out with new friends in our new n'hood (we moved here 6 months ago from a neighboring city to be closer to church/school). Camp starts next week and I also have my sisters and 4 nieces/nephews arriving next week.

Thanks for sharing about your weekend. I swear, Nikko is a Jenius! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> What a blessing to have her experience as y'all are just discovering this P/A stuff and how it has affected the relationship.

My thought for you today is to work on your anger outbursts. I was so filled with anger and bitterness for years (We also have been together for 16 years!) and it permiated all my interactions with my H. I prayed for a long time to be released from my anger and bitterness and oddly enough, going through the A was the catalyst that finally pushed it out of me. How crazy is that? God works in mysterious ways! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I memorized Ephesians 4:26,27,29-32 and would say it over and over in my mind sometimes:

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, whith whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Maybe it would help you, at least to try and catch yourself. The P/A tendencies of your H and your AO (angry outbursts) aren't a good combo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



You all are doing well. Please do all you can to sacrifice to get to counseling on a regular basis.

How are the new anti-d's working? Do you notice a difference?

I was also thinking about what you were saying about how you felt when you were with your longtime friends. There is a comfort in history with someone and that is what you have with your H and those friends. When you start out with someone so young, you are bound to grow and change into totally different people through the years. The key when you get together so young is to grow and change together. This is a crossroads for you two. I pray that you will grow together in this and be stronger than before in a lot of ways.

Have a great day!
Michele

im not a genious....im a survivor....lol

the key to dealing with a pa is for you to get YOUR anger under controll......that is something YOU need to work on.

I realized this after I did it. I do have to control my anger. I just can't hold stuff in. That is a personality flaw of mine I have to work on.

He had counseling again today. I think it is doing him really good since he is really only now looking back to his childhood and realizing all the stuff he's been through. He's been telling me things he's never told me about his childhood and now I know why, b/c he is p/a and he just pushed them behind him. I think it is a good thing that he is dealing with them now.

Thanks for the site too. There is so much info to learn on this p/a behavior. Some of the things are my H, but not all of them.

Still haven't made an appt. yet. My trial's still going and will be finished tomorrow hopefully so I'll have some down time to call and set up the appt.

Thanks for the compliment nikko <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />! It is good to hear in the middle of this recovery mess!

--Sarah

Hi Michele,



Yeah, I know I MUST do this.



Another thing I am realizing through this whole mess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />!

It's funny you gave me that verse b/c I have my pastor's sermon on forgiveness on a cd in my car and he reads that verse. I recognized it right away when I started reading it.

Sounds like you're having a great summer. Sounds like the kids are too!! Enjoy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />!!

--Sarah

Hi everyone!

Missed your guys comments today! How is everyone???

My trial is all finished finally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!! It is such a relief!!

I have a question for you all. How did you get past how disrespected you were during the A (sorry if I asked this before)?

Now that I'm looking back at things I said to my H and things I did and he did during the A it shows how disrespected I was and how I was played for a fool. That is a big issue to me. I don't like people to get one over on me. It was like he was rubbing it in my face during the A and I didn't even know it. For instance, the day of my b-day party (A Sunday) he went to his job and called her. He never works Sundays he was only there b/c my brother, yes MY brother (his best friend BTW) wanted to play basketball with him and some friends there.

Now, why would he go out of his way to call her when she wasn't even expecting the call especially on the day of my b-day party? He went out of his way to get there early just to call her.

What are your thoughts?

This is an area I always come back to in my thoughts. Need to resolve this issue so I don't go back to it anymore.

--Sarah

Because he needed a "fix". We WS's never know when that need is gonna hit us like a ton 'o bricks!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Yes, it's sick, sad and demented, but that's what it comes down to, sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Congrats on your trial! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KJ

congrats on being done with the trial.

now your question....yes, as bs's we were disrespected in every way possible. i could sugar coat it all day long and dress that pig up in silk.......but ya know....it all comes down to just moving on. i spent years trying to exact what he "owed" me for that. he had to pay up, right. had to find a way to make it right. well ya know what i realized after all that pain and frustration....aint a [email]da@n[/email] thing he could do that would ever make up for that. i had to learn to just let it go.(man did that suck...lol) i wanted my pound of flesh for a long time.....it just will never be enough, trust me.

as a bs, we are put into the position of eating a ton of crap....for a pretty long amount of time. we never asked for it, but its the path we are on. if you are sincere about recovery you have to just realize, yes he was an a$$, yes he did this to me and disrespected me on purpose, and yes i am going to forgive. if you choose to forgive you have to let the past go. what i mean by that is.....is he disrespecting you NOW???? base your fears and feelings in today.....not always yesterday. its a choice everyday to forgive, and move foward. you will still have bad times but they will get less and less.

i ate a ton of crap for a very long time until we got into real recovery. i am NOT good at eating crap or keeping my mouth shut....but i had to learn. i had to give him the chance to learn on his own. and i had to realize.....did i want to be right, or did i want to be married???

plus, if he had been sir ghalahad....you would then be saying...."but how could he be so loving and be with someone else???" there is always something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nikko,



NO, YOU?!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

KJ

It hurts so much b/c I get so jealous thinking of it. And to know that I would have done ANYTHING he asked of me if he would have just asked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />! I guess that was the problem, he didn't want to ask, he just wanted it done without asking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It takes me a long time to move on that was why I was looking for an answer but you're right, I guess I just need to move on! I hate when people say, "What's done is done, there is nothing you can do about it." That makes me so mad!!!!! I WANT to be able to go back in time and knock some sense into my H during the A. Sometimes I still think that that's somehow possible <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />!

Before you say anything, yes, I know I NEED to let it go!!! It is so hard to do!



Yep, that's the quote of the year!!! That should be sent via e-mail to every BS in the world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />! That is what we need to do but that is the most difficult!!! I hate thinking about it.



Who is sir ghalahad??? Maybe I should go on the "I am not stupid" thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! I should become a member <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

--Sarah

I didn't know who sir ghalahad was either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I might google it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ugh, what Nikko said is exactly true, and I can see you know it...but it doesn't make the reality of having to make a conscious choice to let go and live in the NOW any easier, does it! I'm sorry, I wish there was some magic formula to give you.

Start every morning asking God to help you live in TODAY and to let go of what is done and cannot be changed. You can change today and you can react to today. You can react to Sorry based on what he is being like today or you can react to him based on what he was being like 2 mo, 4 mo, 6 mo, 2 yrs, 6 yrs ago. It boils down to choice. It is so hard but actually very freeing when you learn to embrace that you have a choice in how you will act and react today. And if you mess up, and you will, we all do, you get another chance to get it right tomorrow.

I know that feeling of wanting to sit back and let H do all the work for awhile, but you know it takes two working together for a successful, fulfilling M. And want started to happen with us was that he started to leave me in the dust! He just got so good at examining himself and consciously changing himself and how he treated me, that if I had not gotten on board with TODAY, I would have been left in the dust and would have had myself to blame in a lot of ways for not choosing to accept this man that he was trying to become.

I think that is one of the keys to our success. I chose to get on board with this new man in the house. I was scared that this new man would go away and I'd be left with the old one again, but I just pressed forward. You can too, Sarah, and I know you want to. Climb on board, I have confidence in you!

And DO NOT BE JEALOUS! Do not give any credit to a homewrecker, there is NOTHING that she has on you, NOTHING! Stand tall, and walk in the path God is paving for you.

Have a wonderful day, and congrats on getting through that trial!
Michele

sir galahad was one of the most famous knights in king arthurs court. he was one of the most noble knights of the round table. lol i am a unlimited source for useless knowledge.......

You cannot "move on" or "control your anger". In order to assuage the anger you need a good IC - not the minister, and you need to do some anger work to express it and get it out in a safe place. then when it is assuaged - you will feel yourself "moving on". So stop listening to the "you have to control your anger" and "move on" talk. Trying to control your anger will just make it bottle up and the pressure will build. GO TO THERAPY. Many therapists have evening hours. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to express the anger, hurt, disappointment, resentment, grief, betrayal, loss of dreams and all the other emotions you have to deal with. GO TO A THERAPIST. Do it in the evening after the courts are over. The Minister is just gong to tell you to control your anger and forgive your husband - and he doesn't mean forgive in the way of my explanation - he means let him off and trust him.

I too have a best friend whom is a priest and he - amazingly is very good at MC. He should be working for Dr. H - he sees through all the bullS... and thinks BS have the right to their feelings and to the full expression of them. Mind you he was a psychologist before he took holy orders - so ....

Linda

ditto!

CO,

Yep, it is too sad. You weren't his drug of choice. That's not your fault. I don't think he wants to be on drugs any longer. He just wants his sweet tea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

KJ

Sarah,

We would be happy to have you in our "I AM NOT STUPID" THREAD!! Nikko helped me get that one started! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

It's loads of fun, but makes no sense, DUH!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

KJ

sarah

hola chica how i see your back on and going how was your weekend good i hope getting wet here and will be the next couple of days.

how are the kids doing are they enjoying their summer so far?

And people think this forum is just for help. We actually learn history here too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

I always hated history in school. And go figure, my dad is a retired history teacher <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He wouldn't be very proud of me!

I know....everyone keeps telling me this about IC. I wasn't going to the pastor for counseling, I was going to touch base with him. He is always on the same page as me and it's crazy b/c it's like he can read my mind. He will say stuff to my H that I was thinking and he's always right on point. My pastor would never tell me to move on either. Every emotion I've ever had he says is all normal. He's never judged me for my emotions.

But I wanted to go to him b/c I know he will lead me in the right direction. He has already told me to get IC. I am just dragging my feet.

I know they have evening hours but my H works every evening but Thurs. and that is my day to do something for myself. Also, my court is done when the judge says it is, so it is hard to keep appts. b/c I never know how late I'll be.

I will have to get someone else to watch the girls. And I know my brothers would take turns, it is just such a hassle. And I know before anyone says anything....it IS be worth it. I know, I know, I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

Well, on a good note, my weekend went pretty good. My friend from Oklahoma is here for two weeks so she came over yesterday with her kids. It was a good time. My H cooked on the grill and stayed with us the whole time (he wouldn't have done this pre-A) He would have just went his own way before.

I told him I appreciated it and the cooking for us, etc., etc. And I made a huge step last night.....I watched a movie with NY in it. That is where he met the OW and I was banning all NY movies since. But last night I watched King Kong with my H.

I think I did pretty good with it. He wanted to have SF with me after but I told him I was still processing the whole NY thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />! That was tough. But I did it. And I doubt you all have noticed but just about every movie is in NY so I needed to overcome that hurdle. Thank God there aren't many in Pittsburgh where they had their weekend "sexfest" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />!

It did make me sad when I was laying in bed b/c I've always wanted to go to NY with him and now I don't know if I ever will want to. We have been wanting to go see the Lion King for about 3 years now and I was going to go a couple times without my H and he didn't want me to go without him so I never got to go. Then he just goes and does whatever the ****** he wants when he gets there......NOT FAIR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />!

We live about 3 1/2 hours away from NY and we have buses that go there every day, so people around here go often.

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to come up with a new plan!

Talk to you later
--Sarah