Wow good rant - got it out of your system.

I can understand your feelings sbout H being "safe" - had years of that. You will get there, we all have to be in a place, where we decide to do whatever we can, so we can look ourselves in the mirror. In the end, that is what brings us to do some of the stuff we resist in the beginning, and I think resistance is normal too.

Like you, I jumped into plan A with gusto, in deep and the further lies whipped me like a top, sent me spinning. You will slow down and eventually be able to see when and where you can enact the program. Hopefully it will coincide with your H's enlightenment about giving up the right to secrecy and the right to be a victim of all he does and did to you.

Linda

CO,



Oops! I was just re-reading parts of your thread and found this. I honestly didn't mean to ignore your post to me,but I wasn't sure how to respond since I don't post with the intent to begin an argument.

I'm sorry if what you read in my words is all argumentative. I call it as I see it, and as I see it may be my perception only. That's the beauty of this forum, people are allowed to contribute what they believe will be of value to others. The words don't always come out as poetically as we'd like. You get to be the one who decides what is valuable info. and what is horse5hit. No one ever needs to reply to a post, it's all freedom of choice.

That being said Sarah, please let me tell you about two issues in your M, AS I SEE THEM. One, I believe your recovery would be MUCH farther along if you and your H stopped using your private threads on this forum, and started talking to each other. I believe this because I have chosen to subscribe to Dr. Harley's principle of radical honesty. According to this policy, your private forums are a huge no-no. Again, this is only my opinion, take it or leave it.

Second, I wish you could come to the realization that the trust you are seeking from your H will be the very LAST thing restored to your M. You need to go forth in your recovery without trusting your H. I know this sounds absurd, but it was advice given to my H from SH, and he subscribed to it, and has been able to work on everything else, forgetting about the trust factor. I know this is incredibly difficult for him to do, but I believe it has paid off. I feel more trusted and loved every day. I'm still realistic, however, and expect total trust to take at least a year or two. God knows, there's so much else to work on, it's almost a relief to be told to NOT focus on one of the many things that was destroyed because of my A. We have SO much more to work on, but it's so worth it, knowing trust will come eventually.

Blessings,

KJ

Sarah,
Our M is going in the wrong direction <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . I don't want to lose you! I want to do everything I can to do whats right to heal this M. Whats "right" is where I think we are both going wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> . I think I am right with my ways and you think you are right in your ways and the fact is neither of us have never been in a situation like this before , so how are we supposed to know whats right! This is the first time we are actually on different teams and fighting against each other. Sometimes I wonder if we are even fighting for the same goal. Well I don't want to ramble on too much, I just wanted to ask you if you are willing to do at least one phone call session with SH? Everyone says he is the best and if thats what it is gonna take... I want to do it. I know you will respond with a remark that will say something in the line of wasting money on MC like before when I was lying but to make this a no lose chance for you I will use what ever money I have accumulated with MY Ebay account to pay for it and I will sell what ever else I own to to continue paying for the MC from SH. So what do you think? I love you and I don't want to lose you. I know the girls want us together and I think this will be this best investment to better their lives too. PLEASE consider this o-kay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Dwain

Actually, I'm more concerned on how you wrote this!

I thought you worked 'til 12 today? I know you don't have the internet at work so how did you write this??

This is what I mean by never knowing where you are, when you're working. This is frustrating! I have enough on my mind and now I have to wonder where you are, who you're with and what you're doing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />!

I'll think about the counseling with SH. I'm not sure yet. I wanted us both to work on ourselves first and then the M. Is that wrong??

--Sarah

I had a 7:30 session, then a 9:30, 10:30, 11:00 . I told you this yesterday! That is why I was not concerned about not taking the trash out last night. I knew I was gonna have a 45 min break to run home and do it. Then this morning you asked me when do I work till and I said 11:00. Ya know all this talk about you don't know when I work because I do my own scheduling is being blown out of proportion. I have all my sessions scheduled in my book. All you have to do is look. I leave it on the kitchen counter every night. When I am not working I always call you and tell you what I am up to. There has not been a time when I was not where I was supposed to be. Also to back up my scheduling you can always ask me to show you the office print out and let you see the Dr,'s computer with all the scheduling and it will prove I am at work when I say I am.

I don't know if that was a question for me or the others who have been supporting and guiding you. If it was for me...I don't know. Like I said in my previous post I admit I don't know whats wrong or right in a situation like this. So many people have been so willing to help us but it seems there is two opinions for every situation. That is why I wanted to do the SH session. I would hope we would both learn what each other as an individual needs to do for this M to ever have a chance. I guess Someone who has worked with SH would have a better idea on what to expect or what needs to be done prior to working with him. I would hate to spend the money to hear him say get IC first then come see me...know what I mean.

Hey I called you at lunch today to see if you wanted to talk. I guess you did not want to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> well maybe you didn't have the time. Either way I just want ed to let you know I am thinking of you and I love you. Keep the faith and I assure you things will work out for the best.

PS- I am leaving work early again and will be home today around 5:15, like I promised you I would, so you can go on your walks before I go to the support group tonight.


LoveU4Life: Dwain

CO and IASS,

Here is the crux of an ongoing injury I see in your M. It is stonewalling all efforts on your part IASS and keeping Sarah in pain and on the edge of a blow out.

Sarah is afraid to trust you, even day to day, in the present. The reason she cannot do this day to day trusting, is that you are not being transparent in the way she needs, about your daily whereabouts. Something so little and so unimportant, can throw her into a paroxysm of pain and fear.

It is the most important thing my husband does mostly do now, to be absolutely transparent about what he does and where he is. If I come across something he hasn't told me, that is different than he allowed me to think - it pricks me hard. This is how it is for Sarah.

If you wish her to start MC with SH or talk to Dr. Bill his dad, (it is possible), then you will have to satisfy her EN for radical honesty - daily minute by minute.

My FWH resisted this initially too, calling me a control freak until about 20 people, mainly men, said to him "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing". I do understand that the minutiae of your day is so ordinary it seems pointless to bother about it, but is will reap such rewards you will not regret it.

If you can keep Sarah abreast of each change you make to your schedule and where and what you are doing, it will allow her to come to a standstill on the mistrust growth. It will stop growing worse and hold still so she can catch her breath. All the while it grows worse, she will not be able to wait for the total trust to come dwon the road, at the end of the work. Each tiny occurrence not only stops her healing but also adds another stab to the wound, cutting it open again, and I guess you have seen enough of her anger (which always covers fear and pain) to know that is true.

Another item that is also important is for you to give her all the time she needs, whenever you guys are not around the kids, to ask you over and over, anything she needs. Not on your terms.

For women (and maybe men) doing things this way is like an exorcism of the pain. She will know when you are being truthful - she will feel you let your shields down - even if you are fearful the details will hurt her - the good it will do in her security will be enormous and she will then be able to let this incessant questioning drop for longer and longer periods, NOT under pressure to be a good MB, but because the pressure is lessening inside her.

Is this right Sarah? If I am off base, just file this in the round file under your desk.

Linda

Good man Dwain,

You just did exactly what you have to - except drop the tone of exasperation and take the responsibility off her to ask you or look at anything - show her yourself each day and then print it out to show you were there when scheduled. This will make a big difference, If you can do this for her it will help fill her love banks a great deal. Just do it as a daily gift of reassurance.

Linda

CO,

I'm still lurking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I just wanted to say, talking to your H through this forum is a great start for you guys. I sincerely hope it leads to more open and honest face-to-face conversations. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,

KJ

sarah how'd

Hi everyone,

We are off to Florida tomorrow morning. I will write when I get back. The kids are soooo excited!!! I'm so glad the packing is over. That is the worst part if you ask me.

I'm going to try to ask NO questions and not talk about the A at all while there. This is going to be hard. Wish me luck!

--Sarah

Anyone remember me?

Wow, it's been so long since I've posted. I've been on the site a few times, though, just seeing what was new.

I guess I haven't posted since I filed for divorce in '06.

It's been a long, hard struggle for me. The D finally really hit home with me the beginning of this year. I'm going through so many emotions!

My ex is soon to be married in August with a baby on the way.

Just wanted to update a bit and see if anyone out there remembers me...Glad to Press On, silverpool, karijean, saenz, sturgis, KiwiJ, any others out there?

Anyone remember me?

Wow, it's been so long since I've posted. I've been on the site a few times, though, just seeing what was new.

I guess I haven't posted since I filed for divorce in '06.

It's been a long, hard struggle for me. The D finally really hit home with me the beginning of this year. I'm going through so many emotions!

My ex is soon to be married in August with a baby on the way.

Just wanted to update a bit and see if anyone out there remembers me...Glad to Press On, silverpool, karijean, saenz, sturgis, KiwiJ, any others out there?