This is just more rationalization, 2BNormal. You are comparing the ease of contact between OM #2 with OM #1 and to draw a false dichotomy. The honest - and correct - comparison is between risks when the OMW knows and doesn't know. If the OMW KNOWs there is much less chance that the affair can be resumed.

This is WHY exposure to BOTH BS's is so essential. This is why exposure is so effective.

I think the principle being presented here is that honesty is a GREAT principle, but only if it PERSONALLY benefits ME. Unfortunately, that is not a principle at all, but rather, the mantra of every moral coward.

To be clear, the case to call or not call is based on what my husband feels. I was told by Dr. Harley to not make the call myself so as not to risk contact. Dr. Harley recommended that my husband makes the decision. My husband has made the decision to not call.

ML -
You still didn't answer my question earlier...


Really, I want to know what you expect should happen.

top post top rope!

2bNormal, of course your H has to make the decision to call. How could he CALL otherwise? But that does not mean that the OMW is not to be informed. as you stated:
She still needs to be informed. How will she be informed since your H refuses?

My husband has made the decision to not call.


YES!!! I agree with this, but how influential were you in furthering this decision? How did you approach him with this. I think if you were really aiming to get the truth out on the table and make amends for the A and get past it, you would have talked with your H about making the call.

Such as:

As a last resolution to the A we need to let BW know about it so there will be a system set up that will not allow an A to occur again between us, or with anyone else in their family. I would feel better and have a clearer conscience if the truth was out there instead of hiding this from another family. And we could continue in our M knowing the truth is out there...

Or you could talk him into NOT calling by saying...

Dr. Harley says we should NOT tell the BW unless there is an issue withhealth such as STD's, since there is not, we should just let this be. We should not stir up 2 year old dirt because it will just cause problems in our M. Thanks for not calling and keeping my secret longer.


What about getting BH to post on here, or to at least read these replies and get his word on this...?

I would like to hear what YOU expect should happen now. This is YOUR problem, not mine. How will this woman be informed since your H refuses to do it?

OK...next person who calls me wise gets a black eye!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I'd posted in the 'what's in a name' thread on this...by no means am I wise. I often worry that people think that I'm under the impression that I am based on my name here...my name is actually based on a whole different thing than wisdom...at least in the sense of it we'd use here.

I just call things like I see them. I know how I feel, and it's easy for me to imagine how other people feel in most situations...given that, I run my mouth off a lot and call it advice.

In this case, I think we're all going to have to agree to disagree. I can understand and agree with 2BN's choices on contacting OMW...it boils down to the fact that she has ALREADY POJA'd this with her H. The choice was made and agreed on...ANY action at this point would be contrary to that POJA. Ergo, detrimental to her OWN marriage and relationship.

From my perspective, there's not really anything left to discuss. If she violates that POJA and contacts OMW, she's going to SERIOUSLY undermine her R with her H...who's going to feel like this was a ploy to resume contact with OM1. It wouldn't be...but that's how he'd feel. Which is a large part of why he has POJA'd this with 2BN already.

Check please! This thread is concluded. LOL!!!

As I stated earlier, I will not go against my husband's decision. It was recommended by Dr. Harley that I do not call this woman. The only means I have to contact her is by calling. There is NO other option.

Thanks toprope, great post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And no, I am not "vindictive" I am disgusted and outraged at the shallow cruelty and thoughtlessness I see on this thread. Moral cowardice pisses me off almost as much as intellectually insulting rationalizations.

This is what I've been trying to say! But others feel that I should undermine my husband because MB's principles take priority over my husband, my marriage and our recovery.


I agree!!

Your H made a decision to not call her himself. I get that. Now, how will this woman be informed? There ARE other options and I would like to hear your solution.

ML -
There are NO options. We have told NO ONE about the A if that is what you are getting at. I have NO ONE I can ask to call this woman. I CANNOT make the call myself. My husband feels it is best to not call this woman. There are NO options.

Let's remember what Dr. Harley said and not go off into la-la land and use POJA to avoid doing the right thing. Dr. Harley does not make exposure to the BS contingent upon POJA. As he said:


And this is right in line with what he told me on the air last week: exposures after BOTH spouses are informed are a matter of POJA, but NOT the BS. This has ALWAYS been his position.

Pastors....priests.....people bound by confidentiality that cannot discuss it farther than you ask them to.....

Oh yes there is. I tell ya what, since you agree that the OMW should be told you can give ME the information and I will call and tell her. That way you don't have to bother, your H doesn't have to bother and you will have informed the OMW and can move on.

Email me at my link and I will give you my cell phone # so you can give me the information and I will call her. Afterwards I will email you her response.

Oh MelodyLane...you are such a nice person...LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What Dr. Harley told YOU is NOT what he told me.

End of story. I am done with this thread. You may talk to yourself on this thread if you like and make points to validate yourself and rationalize why you think you know better than my husband and why you know what's best for my marriage. You can keep going on and on with everyone on this board about how you KNOW MB's principles and that those that do not follow those MB's principles are moral cowards and are insensitive and uncaring.

BYE!

ONE last post here. ML - I would NOT trust YOU with any phone #....sorry!

I may be in a minority here, but I think it is rather cruel and self-serving for anyone other than the OM to tell his BW about the past A. It may help to ease a guilty conscience, but all it does for her is to burden her with information that does not emanate from compassion for her best interests.