Mel-

Please take a look at my response to your post...as it's placed in the moderator's thread in appropriate ettiquette for this site.

Give it some thought please.

You don't have to! That is the beauty here! I will give you MY phone # and FULL NAME and you can call me. You will have no risk at all since you think I am untrustworthy.

You misunderstood me. I mean any phone #. That includes the OM's phone #. You have no personal involvement with the OM or his W. And being involved with the OM or his W, would put you involved with my marriage as well. There is NO reason why I would let you call this woman.

Owl, let me give you some food for "thought." I would assert that it's much worse to BE a moral coward than it is to SAY someone is a moral coward, don't you? Methinks you have this somewhat backwards.

Oh 2BNormal, you have NO idea what a genuinely nice and caring person that Melody is...you may disagree with her, but that doesn't make it any less true...just wanted you to know...

Mrs. W

I rest my case. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm...not sure if you're calling me or someone else a moral coward here, Mel. Don't really care either...

But...how is this constructive? How is this helping 2BN or anyone else? In what fashion will this really reach your end goal of getting 2BN to call OMW when she's decided not to?

You and I are normally in pretty direct agreement Mel, and I value your advice greatly...but place no value on insults, attacks, or personal judgements. Lets get off the attacks and back to HELPING people here, shall we?

Mrs. W., My point was it's the same for me. She has NO idea what a genuinely nice and caring person I am. But, because she disagrees with the decision that my husband and I have made, she made the statement that I am a moral coward and have shallow cruelty and thoughtlessness . Those are statements she made about me concerning MY CHARACTER based on this thread in which we happen to disagree.

I highly feel she was being VERY disrepectful to me and continues to be all for proving that she feels she is RIGHT and knows what is best for my marriage and what my husband feels.

Mel - What IS your CASE????? Why are you continuing to treat me in the manner that you are?

Mrs. W. pointed out that you are a nice and caring person. Show me the NICE and CARING Mel. I am not seeing that on this thread.

"I may be in a minority here, but I think it is rather cruel and self-serving for anyone other than the OM to tell his BW about the past A. It may help to ease a guilty conscience, but all it does for her is to burden her with information that does not emanate from compassion for her best interests."

Oh gosh, we're back to the "best interests" of the betrayed spouse stuff.

In my opinion, her best interest, is in knowing the truth about her marriage - that it is NOT an exclusive, till death do us part, relationship. She has the right to know that the virus that could KILL her may be replicating itself in her body as we strangers debate her "best interests".

Remember, just because the poster here didn't pass on an STD, doesn't mean a previous or next OW won't.

Owl, please leave the board moderating to the mods, ok? If you have some issue, you should report it to the mods. But don't presume to sanctimoniously dictate your personal standards of behavior to others. You can only control yourself, after all.

Personally, I don't think telling people what they want to hear and fueling their rationalizations is "helpful" but I feel it is your right to be as unhelpful as you choose. And it is my right to disagree with that. If you would afford me the same berth, it would be most appreciated.

2BNormal, it is YOU who doesn't seem to care if the OMW is told of this affair. I very much "care" that she is told. And SHE is the victim, after all, isn't she? How about showing some "caring" for her?

Wouldn't that be nice?

So, 2B, does your BH post here?

Does he read here?

This whole thread has turned nutso- 2b- you keep saying he told you something different than he told Mel. He didn't. He told both that BOTH spouses need to be informed- you wrote that in your post, 2B.

I, too, wonder how you presented the issue of telling to your BS. Did you read the post above that referred to that? I think it is a very valid question.

If you don't plan on calling her and your BS is not going to call her, then who is?

Neak had some great suggestions. Did you read those? Did you respond?

If you have not revealed your affairs to anyone, it is going to hurt to tell someone. Hurt is part of the game. You chose to make the mistake- part of paying the consequneces hurts.

As for you thinking Mel, is some demon from the deep, you really ought to think again. She is a firm believer in the principles set forth here. She also has a strong eye for details as in her catching when people change their story.

I understand what guilt feels like. I understand how when you feel guilty, you tend to want to justify your actions. If you do't feel bad about her not knowing, why in the world do you keep bringing it up?

You are the one that posted the query originally. You are the one who has kept the debate going. You are the one that started ANOTHER thread on this topic.

If you are not trying to justify not telling her, why do you keep telling us about it?

Maybe it is time for a little more soul searching on the issue.

I have a strong feeling you can post a new thread on this every few days and you are going to get the same reaction. Maybe that is what you like - drama?

No, my husband does not post here nor read here. He is not interested in this site. He is not interested in reading or posting on forums whether this one or any other one.

Mel-

I agree...I'll leave the moderating to the mods. I've already posted where I needed to, and will be referring this back to the mods ASAP. Thank you for that suggestion.

As far as my advice, it's by no means intended to be 'what 2BN wants to hear'...if you've read my posts on this board you'll find I'm not that kind of poster. I've given clear, concise reasons behind my advice. I still agree with it. And at this point will agree to disagree with you, and drop this discussion entirely.

2BN-

You've seen my advice, as well as the others here. The suggestion that you engage SH directly is great, if you can do so. I'd suggest that you attempt something along these lines, or request that his office expedite the response to your email/show transcripts to you ASAP to ensure that your understanding of his response is accurate and so that you can share that response back with this forum. At this point, all you can do is to move forward based on all the advice given in the same manner that any poster on this forum does.

Good luck to you friend.

Hi, Melody,

Would Dr. Harley agree with having a random stranger from the internet like you call and expose like that?

I'm just curious here, not trying to start an argument at all.


PS: what if 2bnormal gave you the wrong number?

2B, I'm sorry, but that is EXACTLY what I infer from this situation.

It's very ironic how these situations nearly always arise in the context of BH's not exposing. It's almost as if BW's instinctively do the right thing, immediately. Perhaps it can be chalked up to male shame. 2B's husband has been cheated on...TWICE. I can only imagine how beat down he is over these affairs. I understand his insensitivity.

Is he entitled to it? No, but I understand.

Is it wrong not to expose? yes, but I understand.

Should he reconsider? Yes, but I can't make him, Dr. Harley's recommendation can't make him and we can't make him...we can only post our thoughts, feelings and opinions and hope that what we PERCEIVE/KNOW as the truth sinks in.

It's funny, I said this to Mrs. Wondering last week (before 2B called Dr. Harley...really): Where's 2B's husband...he's the one that needs to make that call?

I read the radio transcript provided just as Melody...Dr. Harley ALWAY recommends exposure. Further, a phone call is not the only way...how about a letter from your husband that you write together with our input? It would suffice what I believe to be your moral imperative and could perhaps be much more concise, respectful, compassionate and more likely to minimize the fallout.

IMO, if you fail to disclose after these deliberations herein and with all this information and if and when OM's Wife discovers the affair and perhaps blows the old affair wide open, then you BOTH should accept any and all the consequences of such exposure as you now BOTH are participating in the coverup. That is the CHOICE you both seem to be making today. They would be your JOINT consequences. I hope you consider and reconsider that OM's wife WILL LIKELY be more respectful of your family if Mr. 2B exposes to her today.

Further, like was said above, 2B you should be pushing your husband to do the right thing. I surmise he's been beaten down enough by your actions and feels paralyzed to rock the boat. Like the rest of us he wants the past in the past. Unfortunately, people change, times change, but morals never do. If you legitimatally PUSH, plead and beg for your husband to do the right thing and he is adamant in his decision, I will cut you some slack 2B...and say you've done what you could...I agree you must honor your husband's decision (though your husband then still remains responsible for protecting the secret and becomes fully responsible for any future consequences of such a poor decision...IMO).

Additionally, the STD issue. Have you been thoroughly screened? Did you do a HPV (sp?) screening? Further,...as long as that secret remains in their marriage there remains a WALL to intimacy therein...the secret remains and OM maintains his wife's trust...who knows how many women he's slept with since you and exposed his wife too. You have 1st hand knowledge he's capable of a Physical Affair and though it may not be your direct "responsibility", it's certainly the fruit of the poisonous tree...and now your husband is making the informed and consciuos decision to be your co-conspirator.

Please stop arguing. If not telling, ever, is what you intend to do...fine, but as long as you keep posting (and starting new threads on the subject...btw, killer post top rope) we are going to try to change your mind, your husband's mind AND attempt to ensure MB principles are portrayed accurately for the now 66 anonymous "lurkers" now on this forum.

We are trying the help you.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

moveforward,
Yes I saw neak's suggestions. When my H and I were in MC, my husband made the specific request to me that he does not wish to reveal these A's to anyone and that includes Pastors. Our MC said that if it was this important to my husband, then I am to respect him in this. This is a joint decision we made and also to NOT tell our children.

I have explained to my husband that those on this board feel that the OM's W needs to be told for all the reasons given here. I didn't sway him to think the ONLY reason was because of STD's. We discussed this over the weekend prior to my email to Dr. Harley. Then we discussed it again after my email to Dr. Harley.

I don't have time to respond anymore today as I have to work and my responsiblity to my job is slacking due to this thread today.

Thank you all.

2BNormal...

I have no doubt that this is the case...I think what toprope said rings true here though...you are the one who started this thread, which leads me to infer that your conscience isn't allowing you to let this go...something I think that you should discuss with your husband...This thread reminds me of one that I started myself when I was foggy...about my gaining clarity by contacting the OM(as if!)...I think I knew deep down that what I was asserting was hogwash when I posted it...I spent a day and a half or so here arguing my moot points...I got a lot of well deserved 2 x 4's(some from Mel) which served to bring me to my senses...I think that that is what is going on here...further, in the event that someone else in the same type "dilemma" is lurking here, this thread could have merit...you never know...

2BN, as Mr. W pointed out to me last week...when the OMW does find out and she WILL EVENTUALLY, it could easily bring all this back into your life...It is our opinion that your husband should step up to the plate and get it over with for you guys and give the OMW the honesty she truly DESERVES...

Mrs. W


P.S. Hey Owl...just to call your bluff...NOT BASED ON ANYTHING SAID HERE, and ONLY IN FUN...if I call you a WISE a$$ do I still get the black eye? I'm just kiddding...thought this thread could use a little comic relief...sorry if it's inappropriate... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />