I hear you.

Porn was an issue in my situation as well.
Started out small, occasional magazine or hard R movie. Progressed over the years to the point where he never looked at a movie or book unless it was porn. He would scan through the cable channels all day and night looking for any porn. My boys would walk into the room and sometimes he would switch channels so they wouldn't see it, but towards the end he didn't even bother to switch channels any longer. Just screamed at them to leave.

When he first left, he told me that one reason he was leaving was because I didn’t like porn, but OW did, and he needed to be with someone who was more like him. At first, I was devastated. I thought I had driven away the boys Dad because I couldn't learn to like his porn.
After time, and a lot of prayer, and a lot healing, I came to realize that God had a plan for me that was so far better than I could ever imagine. That either my WH would repent of his A, get rid of his porn, heal from his porn addiction and return to build a stronger, better M, or he would not repent, not heal, continue his destructive path, and either way I would at least have a peaceful home that was FINALLY FREE FROM PORN!
He never did repent, but I have healed, and let me tell you when I finally rid my home of every last bit of his porn, I felt so good! I finally found peace.
You will to.
It is early for you yet. But seek first the Kingdom of God, and the Peace you will find will be truly something that surpasses all understanding.

I have to post here so I don't blow up at my H. What a sick, twisted, f!ck!!! How can he do this? How could he knowingly destroy so many lives? He is a monster!! A sexual predator!!

JJ,

I have some small experience dealing with sexual addicts. He's just following the same path all the other sex addicts I know are.

Vent with us here. I know how frustrating they can be to deal with.

WS IS going to need your help to beat down his Addiction.

WOF,
I know what you mean about cleaning out the house of his porn. When BIL when to prison (for INCEST) I helped MIL clean out his home (that would be a long and very frightening post). It took 2 trips to the landfill (in my full size pickup) to remove his "collection" from his home (actually MIL owns the house, just lets him stay there).

I could post that story someday but I'm not sure what board to post it on.

Stay Strong!

I have been reading up on SA, but I would like a personal view if you would care to share?

Walkingthefield, my sister has a thread on here about child molestation, which one of us will bump up. If you wanted to share your family's experience, I'm sure it would benefit many others.

I just got off the phone with the IG office. I told them about this new other woman. They told me to have her contact them. Okay, good.

Here's what I don't get... They said it would be an informal investigation that they turned over to the command, because they didn't have anything? I thought if they didn't have anything nothing would be done? And I got the sinking feeling that they think I am just some crazy disgruntled wife. I am really upset, they don't seem to be taking me seriously.

My husband needs help, how can he get it when no one believes me?

So now this woman has dropped off the face of the planet, and I am feeling especially crazy, even though I have the print outs of their 5 year cyber relationship sitting right in front of me!

Is this extreme insecurity normal? I have been lied to my whole marriage; has anything about it been real? In light of this new evidence, should I even stay? I feel it is my obligation to get him help, but I am worried that it is too late. How do you know when to cut the strings? My love for this man has been so shattered... While I will be able to forgive him, I don't know if I will ever fully heal.

JJ,

I've never read anything about SA. I had never even heard the term until the later 90's. But I'll be glad to share what I know about this with you.

Just to start with I don't know how deeply involed he is at that point. I can tell you one thing. He will NOT tell you or anyone close to him how deeply he is in it. He will not even admit to it himself. He might start to talk about this with a counselor after awhile. He'll be much more likely to talk to a complete stranger about this than anyone.

I can't explain why this works this way but it worked out exactly the same way with BOTH of my SA'd BIL's (and, to use the term loosly, their "friends").

I can tell you that he is likely incapable of stopping himself and will need a lot of support to end it and stay away from it. It is like any other addiction in that way. I know that there are programs to treat SA based on the successful AA 12 step program.

Another thing I can tell you is that not only is he likely incapable of stopping himself he WILL escalate. He will start acting out his fantasies and his fantasies WILL become more and more depraved as time goes on. He will need a lot of help to stop.

I said both <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> BIL's because one of them was my W's sister's H. The other is my W's Brother.

W's sister's H was eventually found out and sent to prison. He received 70 years in a State Max security prison.

W's brother H was eventually found out and sent to prison. He received 5 years in a State Medium prison. He is scheduled to be released in late 2007.

I don't mean this post to be a downer for you. I don't get the impression that he has decended to the levels that my BIL's had. Each of my BIL's took many years to desend to the depths that they reached.

Stay Strong.

Not_So_You_Neak,

I have read your post on the subject of ECM's. I hit very close to home for me. I was actually considering a reply post with a bit of one of my BIL's story. I think that maybe I'll write up the stories and post them.

Don't worry. You are NOT crazy. This particular OP has probably decided "she doesn't want to get involved" and took the first cyber offramp she could find. I'm sure you could find others if you want to but you already know the truth about what is going on.



Yes. The insecurity is very normal. WS's try to rationalize these "cyber" affairs as not really being affairs because they don't "touch" or "it's just for fun", or "it isn't really real". Personnaly, I think that's a big pile of whooie!



Yes. At one point he loved you and cherished you about all others. He gave his wedding vows to YOU. Unfortunately right now he is choosing to "forget" that he gave you these vows. Once WH can get his SA "under control" we can work on him reattaching / reconnecting to you. Then WH will be able to "remember" his vows.



I would stay. He is going to need your help to have any real chance of beating this. I do not think it is too late at this point. I don't get the impression that he is too deep to recover at this point.



When he consistantly refuses help over time. You will be able "feel" him pulling away and escalating. Trust your gut on this. I have and I've never been wrong about this yet.



This is a very understandable reaction. But I can assure you that if you loved him once you CAN love him again. Just as he loved / cherished you once he CAN love you again.

He has to confront and vanquish his Demons. Your support for him will be essential and will give him a goal.

Remember what the prize is if he can beat this. Restored marriage, restored respect, Restored Love, RESTORED FAMILY.

Stay Strong!

Thank you so much WTF.

This is everything I needed to hear today. I am sitting here in tears wishing there was an easier way. Thank god for these boards! My family and his family have been wonderful and supportive, but the advice and wisdom I get here is irreplaceable.

Thank you to all who have given me guidance and hope. I only wish to someday return the favor!

You will Jen. It's called paying it forward.

I've been reading your thread....you are doing EXACTLY the right things.

They take you seriously, Jen. Do you know how many cases they have on their desks? Dealing with people that have pay problems, command issues, adultery...you name it. Added to that, they still have to go out and do inspections and the other facets of their jobs. So, if it sounds like they are blowing you off or dont care, that just isnt the case.

After 4 years in the IG office, I can tell you I became a little jaded. No one ever calls the IG with good news!! Everyday, the IG office deals with the worst parts of the Army. So, try doing that everyday and staying cheerful all of the time!!

On telling the command, as I said...one of two things happened. they either found some things and wanted to back off to give the command a chance to take care of it before it got serious. Or, they didnt have much concrete stuff, but had enough smoke to have the command order the two to separate.

You see, a commander doesnt need proof to tell a soldier he cant go where or see someone. If a commander thought a bar downtown was a bad place for his soldiers to be, he could order that the bar is off-limits. Same goes with who a soldier hangs out with. A commander can say "I dont have any proof right now that you are commiting adultery, but nevertheless...I am not taking any chances. Thus, right now, I am transfering the OW to another leader and you two are not to associate in anything other than a professonal manner."

In this case, what you wanted Jen has been accomplished. They are ordering him to stay away from OW. If he breaks that order, he will go to jail.

So, we go back to what you asked for. You wanted exposure in order to stop the affair. Mission accomplished!

Now, it is time to Plan A and work on building his ENs as well as possible. The anger will subside once the smoke clears. He will be in withdrawal for awhile. And then maybe you have a chance. But you had NO CHANCE the way things were before.

Keep snooping on this Internet stuff. And forward to the IG. Your husband is going to need them to shut that down for him too, so he can go into withdrawal and get some help.

Hang tight! You have done well. Now, just be the best wife you can be and let him go thru what he has to go thru.

In His arms.

JJ,

I just wanted to wish you a good weekend.

I won't be back to the boards until Monday.

Eyes on the prize, JJ.

Stay Strong!

I have had a very interesting weekend. After my discovery of my H's long term online affair, I have really been able to detatch from this situation and look at it in a new light. I have absolute proof of at least one of his infidelities, and it gives me a strange sense of calm.

And now, a 180 from H.

H calls on Friday night to speak with DS. I let DS talk and also let him hang up. I didn't really feel up to talking with H, especially after all I had discovered. For some reason, H was not content with that and we started an IM conversation.

The first half of the conversation was such WH babble, but I was prepared... and for some reason, it really didn't affect me all that much. His comments ranged from him accusing me of an affair, to me just being an awful person. So, I decided to tell him I went to IG with more information.

On learning that, H went NUTS! He tried every trick in the book to try and get me to tell them what I had on him. I mean, he pulled out all the stops!!! I gave him every chance to tell me what was really going on. I even went so far to ask him point blank if he had ever had a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone else the whole time we were married. He is so deep into his addiction, he says no. Ha! I have proof, and I can only laugh and feel so sorry for him... Now I know how huge his problem is, I can really just sit back and let his words fall where they may, without them really affecting me the way they used to.

So the whole while he is raging and demanding what I had proof of, I was calm and kept encouraging him to get help. I kept asking questions about his childhood, where the lies stem from, etc... The whole while suggesting he get some help! Not judging, just encouraging. He asked me if I could live with the fact I have ruined his career, and I said yes, as long as it got him some help.

Then, the tide turns!
H asks "why do you hate me so much?" And I reply, I don't hate you, I love you so much I am willing to see you hit rock bottom to see what you have done. Then I follow with "God, I feel so sorry for you." H says "don't feel sorry for me, I have done it to myself."

Then we talk for sometime about his past and what I think started his problems, and me getting a few details from his childhood. I tell him he needs psych help for about the 10th time. Now, I am going to insert the transcript of our conversation, because I don't want to color it in any way. I want to see what you guys think:

Me: i only push you because i know that you can be so much more than what you are
Me: i am only hard on you because i know that you can go the extra mile, that you can be such a good man... but it is not easy to be good... it is easier to fall into the trap
H : and jen i am getting better daily
Me: i believe you think that
H : jen i have been going that extra mile to be all that i can
Me: i wish you could step outside yourself just to see what you have done
Me: maybe one day when the guilt and pain are a little less it will be easier for you
H : i hope so, cause i know i have hurt you, and i swear i never meant to
Me: i will forgive you, but this will take a long time to heal. i hope you can forgive yourself
H : i think i can but it will take awhile i think
Me: you are still hurting me, and you have the power to stop it.. check yourself in, stop all the lies... i promise you that i won't give up on you if you can find the power to do what NEEDS TO BE DONE
H : jen i don't need to be checked in, i have stopped all of it
Me: no
H : what haven't i stopped, please tell me
Me: it is not just the porn, you have a sexual addiction.... you have become addicted to behaviors and certain feelings
Me: no wonder our sex life sucks... it is just sex for you... just a way to get off, it is part of your addiction
H : oh i thought our sex life was pretty good
Me: you can't really be intimate with anyone, you are too afraid so you hold yourself far away
Me: H, when was the last time we MADE LOVE? ever? i hate the fact that you are so distant, i wish we had made the time for each other
H : i wish that too jen
Me: i wish you would let me in
H : do you ever think we made love? even in the begining
Me: god i have loved you with all my soul
Me: i wish that it was different
H : i did to
Me: we can never go back
H : i don't think so, and to be honest a little part of me still loves you
Me: our marriage is dead, though... it was built on lies, and that hurts
H : yes i think it is, and it crushes me, i never thought it would end like this
Me: one day you will have to look me up when you get yourself figured out, and i will be such an awesome person... this has given me my confidence back in a strange way... i am going to do for myself now... my own job, my own money, i will buy my own house

Okay everyone, here is the kicker:

H : question, one day will we get along and be able to be in the same room together without you hating or being disgusted by me
Me: oh, H, i don't hate you... how could i hate someone who is so powerless against a monster who is eating his soul
H : is that a yes?
Me: lol yes i think so

To be continued... don't want to lose this monster post...

Continued from above...

So after that little interchange, we go to talking about normal, everyday stuff. Then, H hits me with this:

H : can we talk like this for awhile
Me: like what
H : not about us, me or how i have f*&^ed up
H : just about like your job what you will be doing, me going to pldc and stuff like that
H : please
Me: sure

So, from there we talk about my job, our DS, just about everything. The my H, not WH, but my real H, starts coming through. He wants to set up an account to save money for DS, he wants to make sure we both have all the money we need, he asks if I want him to set up and IRA for me (which I politely decline, and say thank you). He is so nice!! I am wondering if I am in twilight zone!!

Then I have to go make dinner, and while I'm getting things ready, he CALLS!! Twice in one night? I let DS talk again, and let him hang up after telling H I would get back on the computer after dinner.

We talk some more, he goes back to the whole IRA thing, and says he will always support us. I say "i will get through, and i do appreciate the thought. see, I knew you were in there somewhere!"

He then reassures me he will take care of us, don't worry about money, etc. We go back to normal talk, and end the conversation that way. He promises to call to talk the next day, which he does.

So is this good? The only weird thing I can tell is, when he called yesterday, he sounded soooo depressed. Perhaps withdrawal? Is this an act? What is going on in that mind of his?

I mad it clear in our convo that I wouldn't need him or want him if he couldn't get help. The weird thing? He kept going back to the fact that he wanted to be there for us. I just had to keep saying we won't need him if he doesn't get better. And for once, it is true. This is not act or game I am playing on to get him back. I firmly believe that he needs help before we can rely on him for anything.

I feel so EMPOWERED...

Now, I just hope this feeling lasts at least a few more days before the next dip in the coaster!

JJ

Pretty exciting stuff! Your real husband is in there somewhere. Now you need to continue with your plan, and watch for actions.

Congrats, I wish it was that easy on my side. You are indeed a great woman. I like how you used the "monster eating at his soul". Sounded perfect for any affair.

Thanks, archangel... It hasn't been this easy, this took a ton of effort... Exposure was the hardest part for me, but if you do it right, it is your best weapon! A few people here had to really beat that into my head, but it works!

As for the monster, I wish it was as simple as an affair. My H is dealing with some really huge addiction issues. I have been telling my family that if I can't save our marriage, maybe I can save his soul!

Good luck!

HM.... be careful, very careful. That sudden turn into Mr. NiceGuy c/b a WS ploy.

Give him only tidbits of info, nothing solid. Play this game carefully. The test of time will tell whether he means it or is setting you up as a cover to make himself look like he is ok to his command.

Seen it happen before. Some WS' think they are clever but they don't have the stamina to endure their facade.

You though need to continue t/b in plan A for your H until the WS appears. Then plan B.

L.

Jaded, Orchid is absolutely right, be wary. I dont know what branch of the military he is in but I will tell you what, the values that will are supposed to uphold, honor, courage, and integrity seem to wilter away as the years go by just as society does. This type of thing is so wrong but so common, most people tend to brush it under a rug. The military should be cracking down on unprofessional behavior. He needs to see that he was wrong, and he damn well felt that when the commander began to ask him questions. You could only skirt the subject so long in front of your senior leadership. Hopefully things work out with you!