H was called into the commanders office today. It seems IG turned the complaint over to the commander to investigate. My H is absolutely livid. He is more set on D now than ever before. He says my actions have "cemented" the divorce for him. He says he used the other girls name as a "test" to see if I would be checking up on him. I kept trying to tell him that IG was not supposed to turn anything over unless they found wrongdoing, but apparently the turned it over to them to investigate for themselves.

He said, quote, "and you not only screwed me, the person you "accused me of having an affair with" is pretty much screwed too, because she is in the same boat as I am" He told me that what I have done is the lowest thing that anyone has ever done to him. The hardest part? I still have no idea if he did in fact have an affair. Can my gut be that wrong?

H said he will NEVER see my side. I told him I only wanted to see him happy and not hiding, and he said "well you are about to see me the maddest i have ever been". It feels like the beginning all over again...

He said I had destroyed his credibility and that this was a private matter. He refused to tell me anything that went on with the commander. (I asked three times what he said.) H said he was too mad to talk about it. So I don't even know if they are taking any action.

Now I don't even know if I will get any answers. I honestly thought that IG would be a little more discreet. Is this a typical response from a WH? Or should I know be concerned that I ruined his career over a gut feeling I can't justify? I hate doubting myself like this.

Any advise would be appreciated. I am grasping at straws, I am lost on the water.

absolutely normal....of course its all your fault. everything is your fault. none of it has anything to do with the choices HE made!!!! (ok, sarcasm off now..lol)

this is a typical reaction all ws have. right from the book....

Thanks nikko, I really needed to hear that I'm not crazy. I just keep doubting myself and all the little things that have led me to believe he has had an affair.

Are the WS just that good at lying? It is insane!

short answer----yes! lol

jennifer---you need to find a way to calm down...i just read your exposure thread....first off, congratulations on exposing. second....why all the editing....for someone comming in at this late date it is very confusing...lol

everything you are going through is by the book. of course he hates you---your taking his fun away! follow mortermans advice and keep posting....and find something, somehow, to get some peace. that is hard i know....but really try to find something that gives you some peace and joy.

Nothing new here, Jennifer. He is just saying what they all say when someone interferes with their affair. blah, blah, blah, blah..... YAWN..... Don't pay it any mind, it will all blow over. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair!

JJ - This is very typical behavior for a WH...however, my opinion is that if you did not know FOR SURE that your WH was having an affair I would never have gone to the IG. I am also the wife of a military man and know the ramifications of something like this. My opinion is completely different from others here, but I know the military from a spouses point of view. I completely agree with exposure to family, friends, etc... but when it comes to a job that can cost the entire family money and benefits then that is not to be taken lightly, especially when you are only going on a gut feeling. To me it's different if you know for sure, then you bet expose to his and her work.

With all that said, it's done now and from this point you need to get a plan. What are you doing now to save your marriage. Sure your WH is mad and will be for a while, but you have to look past that and get a plan for YOU. This is just the place to help you do that.

Best of luck to you!!

Wow, this is so normal...it's like these WS follow a script after exposure...lets see if I can do some translating for you...



At least for now, that's his story. This is a manipulation. He has been caught in his lies and guilt and he is going to strike out at the person he *thinks* caused it...you. He is hoping by threatening you there will be no further exposure. I assure you, he is thinking of the future and how he can get back to playing his secretive game, and how to get you to stay quiet about it...why? Because it worked so well for so long...you've upset his life.


Smoke and mirrors, trying to get you to doubt yourself so you can recant what you told the IG. He is having a hard time getting people to beleive his lies. When a person is caught in an A their first response is usually to deny, deny, deny... And some keep up this tactic forever...



OK, read this a few times to yourself...unless they found wrongdoing...unless they found wrongdoing...sure, WH and OW may have lied to you, but I'd be willing to bet IG found enough evidence to detect wrongdoing. Remember, they have more investigative tools at their disposal (emails, phone records, etc...)



Wow, this is a testament to how sweet and caring a person you are that he thinks this line of reasoning will work with you. Yes the military can be unfair in their dealings, can be harsh, but if there is no wrongdoing, they get a slap on the wrist, a stern talking to, a "we'll be watching you." It sounds like there is some real trouble, and he has chosen to protect the OW and blame this trouble on YOU...


Common, common tactic...blame the BS for the A. And blame the BS for any trouble. You have done the RIGHT thing!!! (you can tell by his reaction). My FWH told me it was because I wasn't giving him enough SF...yeah right, I was turned down more than he was... Their memory gets a bit distorted when they try to make things right in their minds...



He can say this, and you may beleive this at first, but remember in your mind this is ALL HIS doing...and the OW was a willing participant. Any trouble he gets into would have/could have happened anyway, from anywhere, you brought this to the IG's attention to SAVE your M, not destroy him. What you are doing is DESTROYING THE A...this is his anger about that!



This is the greatest tactic aWS has, that nagging doubt int he back of our mind, that kindness that we don't want to accuse falsely. In my experience in my own life and reading MULTIPLE stories on these forums, the truth is MUCH worse than what you have found out, and probably worse than you have imagined. TRUST YOUR GUT!!! DOn't let him make you doubt yourself. Like a cut, if your WH finds you doubt yourself he will pick at that until the sore becomes a gaping wound. Trust yourself!!



Yes, he is grasping at straws, he is floundering and making threats. He will feel sorry for the way he is treating you now...some day. This anger and manipulation is normal. You have burst the A bubble. You have broken their fantasy, and now reality is pouring in. A's cannot live under scrutiny of light...they live in secret. I'll say it again, you have DESTROYED THE A, and THAT is what he is angry about...



Nope, he won't tell you because they probably faced him with undeniable proof and he tried to snow them too...he won't tell you because he is trying to do damage control...trying to make you out to be the jealous W, and the proof they have as different than what it truly is...


Now I don't even know if I will get any answers. I honestly thought that IG would be a little more discreet. Is this a typical response from a WH? Or should I know be concerned that I ruined his career over a gut feeling I can't justify? I hate doubting myself like this.



You have done the right thing...the truth shall set you free... You did not create this situation, don't take the blame for it. And whatever WH is doing, digging his hole deeper, or coming clean...this is ALL his doing...



Any advise would be appreciated. I am grasping at straws, I am lost on the water. [/quote]

You have jumped in the lifeboat off this sinking ship. Now it is up to WH to determine if he is going to save the ship...go down with it blaming you all the while...or jump off too into another lifeboat...he has many choices, and blaming you for the predicimate he's in will not allow him to see clearly to make the right choice now. I feel sorry for him and pray for clarity out of the fog...just be a beacon for him.

It all sounds straight out of the handbook for waywards to me. I got the exact same song and dance, but WH and I were in a parking lot when he confronted me about exposure. WH was literally foaming at the mouth - weirdest thing I have ever seen.



I thought this line was especially rich <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Don't you see how crazy that sounds?

Stay calm, if possible.

Jen - if there is no A, then the light of day will expose it as such, and everything will pass.

Sounds like you hit a nerve, though.

Trust the people here that seem to speak from experience. They do.

far

Jennifer - I recommend you change the titile of this thread to,

"Exposure - just as predicted!"

far seconds the motion.

Thank you everyone... I'm waiting for Mortarman's take on the subject too.

I just got undeniable proof for myself that I am not crazy. I contacted one of the many emails listed in he address book, and they have been having cyber relations for the last 5 years. She is going to take her info to the IG as well. She even loved him, poor girl. She had no idea he was married. I think this is a serial pattern. Which life is the lie?

It just gets worse...
JJ

Point taken, thread name changed!

I hope you are around to shed some light on the IG situation.

Please don't doubt yourself. Your husband's actions and words are very predictable. He knows he has been caught and exposed, and is trying to do damage control.

Jen

First off...his career aint over. I am a little surprised they went this route, as our office did take a little different tact. It is possible they did a little research and found smoke.

If they did, then they may have backed off and asked the command to handle it (under their supervision) in order for your husband to have a chance to get out from under this. The command can overlook a lot of stuff...the IG can overlook nothing. So, by handing it to the command, the IG allows the command to separate them and end this before your husband gets charged with fraternization and adultery. In all honesty, they may be doing the best thing they can to save your husband's career.

Again, all of his reactions point even more to an affair. Dont worry about his anger and threats. they are not going to end your marriage. The affair(s) WILL end your marriage.

So, you have more proof now?!?! Very good. You know, we have been here a long time and have seen a lot. Your description almost certainly had shown an affair. they all do the same things and act the same way. One clue you will need to understand is if your gut says something is wrong, it is wrong.

Again, do not fret about this. The damage to his career will be how he handles this now...not what he has done. You did the right thing. The anger will subside...and then you will have a shot hopefully to regain your marriage.

Keep posting and keep us uptodate. Exposure has started. The end of the affair is almost certainly to follow.

In His arms.

Jennifer, I'm retired Air Force, not Army, but I think they operate pretty much the same across the DoD. If the IG quickly found evidence of inappropriate activity (for instance, by monitoring his Internet access), they probably have notified your WH's commander of their preliminary findings. Your husband's fantasy world has been turned on end and he's furious about that. That’s tough. Someone out here said a while back to never shield the wayward spouse from the consequences of their choices.

Your WH knew he shouldn't be accessing porn on government equipment and the regulations about fraternization are briefed to all personnel on a regular basis. He's gone through training on the UCMJ and he knows quite well adultery is a punishable offense. Yet, he's done these things. Clearly, he needs help with his addiction to porn. The cyber s3x he's engaged in (for 5 years?? OMG) with that woman only makes it that much clearer he needs serious therapy. He surely wasn't going to ask for it himself. You've done a great thing for him but he won't realize that. Don't expect him to thank you. It's going to be a while before he is able to think clearly enough to be grateful.

Like others, I'm particularly intrigued by the reason he gave for using the OW's name as a password in order to find out if you were checking up on him. He's saying he composed incriminating emails and sent them, using a P/W of her name...and all this was in order to trap you into finding out he's having an affair. Huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Only from the mouth of the alien.

Jennifer, you absolutely did the right thing and he'll know that someday. There's no guarantee your marriage can be saved (particularly considering the 5 year thing), but you've done probably the only thing that has a chance of saving it. The rollercoaster has started and it's going to be a tough ride. Hang in there, Lady.

and



I always found it somewhat comforting to look at the absolutely ridiculous statements made by the WS in the heat of anger.
These two statements right here are classic. He used that girl as a "test"? Huh?

So, if that were true (which we all know it isn't) then who is it exactly that hurt her? You? No! Him - because he used her as a pawn in his little game.

This is a classic example of a WS freaking out and contradicting themselves.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. It is almost a relief to find these things out. Now I KNOW that I am not to blame. I have tried everything in my power to save our marriage and to get him the help he needs.

I am reminded of another story recently of an army man being engaged to 5 different women. I think my WH is on that same path. This woman is only the first I have talked to. If I had been smarter, I would have gotten the rest of the list of women he has been in contact with. (There was a list of at least 40 email addresses.)

With this new information, I am more convinced I am doing the right thing, but the hope for my marriage is shaken. Somehow I don't think he will come clean, even unto himself!

You are right, womanoffaith...

If I didn't have the uncontrollable urge to vomit right now, I'd be laughing my butt off! lol