Okay, now I am afraid. H called and we talked about him getting help. He wants to wait until he gets back.

Now, instead of lying about things, he has changed his reasoning... He wants to sit down and talk about this face to face to get it all sorted out. I asked what he thought the outcome would be of all this and he said he hoped we could talk and still be friends after all this. I told him I don't know if I could handle that, and I was crying. God, my Plan A sucked tonight.

I am terrified about the things he is going to say. I want to press him for info now. I mean, he announced he wanted a divorce over the phone, but he can't give me the answers I need because he wants to do it face to face? Give me a break.

A promising weekend in the crapper...
JJ

Funny how that empowered feeling is completely gone with one phone call.

My family is pressing me to get a divorce. To be honest, I am considering it, because he cannot even admit he has an addiction. What more can I do?

I can't wait till May for answers. I want them now! Why do I have to put my life on hold so he can feel better about himself.

GRRRRRRRRRR
Sorry about the rant.
JJ

JJ,

You had a great Plan A! I am impressed. While Orchid's caution should be heeded, I want you to go back and read what you posted. You stayed on message, you kept the focus on him, his issues, and what he needed to do. You didnt tell him what you had or didnt have on him (always better to be vague...let them think you have more than you do!!)

And his response? He wanted more talk with you. Just general talk, about job and stuff. You have istantly become more appealing to your husband than you probably ever have been!

Of course, your marriage may still end. That is a possibility. But you are early into this. And if you keep up staying on the Plan A message, while letting the exposure do its work, my bet the man will be on his knees begging for help and begging you to give him a second chance.

That empowering feeling is from knowing that you are getting better. You are taking charge of all of this. And no matter what he does, or where your marriage goes...that will not change unless you allow it to.

Keep reading posts on this website. See all the patterns and what goes on in this mess. You will see that what you may have in the end may be a marriage that was never possible before. One of that open honesty and affection and intimacy. And if it isnt with your husband, you will have learned so much thru this to know what you are looking for in the man that comes along that will be the husband you deserve. But that is a ways off...as we all know on here, there is no way of knowing yet what your husband will do. Odds are, he will be back and will seek help.

Especially with you continuing your Plan A as you have done so far.

Excellent job Jen!

In His arms.

JJ,


I disagree. You're doing a great job so far! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid's right on the money about her warning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . He will be up to whatever he thinks that it will take to placate you and get you "on his side" will the investigation is going on.



Don't let WH off the hook for getting treatment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. Stick to your boundry! Tell him that he needs to start getting treatment there and continue it once he get home.

As a matter of fact I'm betting that you could find treatment / support group for his SA before he gets back. With a few phone calls the support group will likely be waiting and ready for him when he get back stateside.



This is a common WS ploy. He is going to try to keep your off balance so he has some "control" over you. Remember that the investigation is unlikely to be over at this point and he will need your cooperative testimony to minimize any possible damage.



This is another common ploy. It is all fog babble. Give it all the consideration it is due. NONE!



That's why recovery is such a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes your up and sometimes your down. Recovery is NOT for the weak of heart.

The good news is that dips get shorter and shorter as time goes by. You've already started getting the emotional armour that you'll need to get through this.



That's up to you to decide. You know yourself, your H, and what you want out of your marriage the best. Personnelly, I would not go for the bid "D" yet. I think that with your help and a support group he can get through this. Besides; you can always file for the big "D" later if you want to.

If you start the big "D" at this point he will think that you've given up on him and he'll have no reason to seek treatment. As a matter of fact, he'll likely delve deeper into it. Both of my BIL's did that after there W's started the big "D".



Have you ever known an addict that would freely admit to his addiction? They will always have reasons to justify their actions (at least to themselves). Addicts can rarely break their addictions themselves. That's why he needs you to push him in the right direction, and a support group to help keep him there.



Push him to get him into treatment. Believe that your H is still trapped in the WH. Help him free himself from his addiction. Let him know that you believe in him and that he CAN get through this.



You don't have to. Let him know that you woun't tolerate being kept in the dark about this for another two months.



You don't. Remember that part of plan A is about improvements to yourself. You're already working on that. Didn't you just start a new job today?

BTW: Let us know how the new job is.

Eyes on the prize JJ.

Stay Strong!

Hi everyone!

Update, me: job is great, it is going to be really easy, fun, and a good money maker. I am very pleased. DS did awesome at his first day of daycare, so tonight we are going to celebrate by going out to dinner.

H called this morning before we left. I again asked him to tell me the truth. He said he couldn't do it over the phone. I asked him if he was okay with letting me find out from random strangers what was really going on instead of from him... Silence. Then I said, "Well, H, my perception of you is slowly changing. I now think of you as a coward." This was in the middle of our conversation, and I didn't say it in a mean way or anything, but I am hoping it will spur him to get some help. Or was that just too mean? I hit him with the addiction help again... trying to really pound it in there.

He said he would try and call from PLDC (he left today). I said, "Well, I will just expect to hear from you in 30 days." To that he said, no, he would really call.

So, thirty days of nothing for him, just stewing in his thoughts. I hope he can face the lies and learn to come through them!

JJ

I am feeling guilty over the whole "coward" thing. I am supposed to be in Plan A, and I leave him with that for 30 days? What was I thinking? I keep rerunning it in my mind, I hope someone on here can tell me to QUIT!

Grrrrrr

Don't feel guilty. Your real H probably w/b glad for what you said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

JJ, I posted to you yesterday but it's gone!!!

I think you are doing great. You are handling the situation with grace. Your H is a lucky man.

Now, SA is a serious issue. Mine was diagnosed with SA as well. Last summer StillHereMakingIt kindly passed on the information about this website: www.recoverynation.com

You may want to check it out.

Milk

milkshake, thanks for the link. I checked it out and they have a ton of info that is really useful. But it also says that the addict has to WANT to recover, and I don't know if my H fits this category. He claims he has it "beat" and that he isn't an addict.

I made it through my second day of work. It is going well, I think I will like it. This afternoon was a little harder; I talked to my sister and she basically told me I was stupid for staying with H. I know she was just trying to be a helpful sis, but it really made me feel low.

Today is the second day of PLDC for H. If I thought saving our marriage was tough, now this NC of sorts is making it even worse.

All in all, not a very good day. My DS also threw a fit and said he didn't want to live with me anymore. He's only 4!! Were does he get this stuff? Well it hurt me to the bone. It will take a couple of days to recover from that one.

I think the no contact with you will be good for him. It gives him time to think about things.

As far as saying that he has it "beat", that is just denial, and is one of the hallmarks of an addict.

As for your 4 year old, he is a 4 year old. Wait until he is a teen!!!!!!!!

I've been reading a lot of posts tonight, and one jumped out at me about searching for WH user name on Google. Well, just for fun, I searched for H.

And I found somethin. He is using another porn site (JudgeMeNude) and has a profile on there with his info... yep it's him... he is listed as "Married, but looking". It is ripping my heart out... Lists his last login as February 27th. He hasn't stopped, and he is just lying lying lying.

Please someone tell me what to do! I am freaking out. Do I need to get out?

I'm so sorry, JJ...I hear you freaking out. I hear the hurt.

Can you focus enough and find out what you're feeling the most of...rejection, erased, replaced, outrage, deceived?

SA is a really tough road.

LA

The truth is, I thought he was being honest when he said he quit. I BELIEVED him! Why do I keep believing him? Why am I so willing to hear the best I ignore the worst?

Will he ever end this?

I know this is Marriage Builders, but is there a point where a BS should just get out?

I am feeling disbelief. I just can't wrap my head around his lies. Why do that to another? I would rather him say, sorry, you're out, my SA is in, and you don't mix. I want to hear him yelling at me and giving me a reason to finally leave! Why do I keep coming back?

You chose to believe him. Are you feeling self-betrayal the strongest?

You know why you choose to believe him. I see it in your posts. Tell me why you think you keep choosing that which devastates you.

You are wanting permission for something that is only within your choice.

How would you feel if your H was an alcoholic who wouldn't admit to it?

This is all very new to you, fresh...painful, stunning.

Are you really talking about ending the marriage fast or your deep desire to end your pain quickly?

LA

Yes, why am I doing this to myself? I can't believe I still love him. Wouldn't a normal person have ended it by now? What is wrong with me? Why do I want to hang on?

Why can't I be normal?

I want him to get better, but I can't make him get better. I wish my force of will could do it, and I know that is not right either.

Okay, deep breaths. You pack a lot of stuff into your short posts...wow, I'm rather envying you.

Answer your own question...why do you do this to yourself?

Now, I can answer why you still love him. No one can make you stop loving them. Love is a choice...a belief you choose inside of yourself. Reasonable, acceptable and real. I congratulate you on loving by choice. Yes, even loving him.

Normal? You define normal to you. If you are saying that in your expectations, you should have ended it, I understand that. Many people have these boundaries they make up with no experience behind them in these situations and have a hard time reconciling what they thought they would have done versus what they are choosing to do now.

You know more. It is an informed choice. The more you know, the better you can make a reasonable boundary and enforce it.

I saw your great Plan A. I saw your hurt come through in a DJ (coward) that you caught. You're a fast learner...very fast. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean you're patient. Usually, the fast learners want the fast resolutions, too.

You are normal. Jen...you are a complete, whole, acceptable and worthy human who is wonderfully made. Period. God made you that way, the same as everyone else. Including your WH. What is hard to know is that you judge yourself, your being, instead of your actions. So you judge your WH's actions as his being. They are seperate.

You haven't begun the journey yet. Al-Anon, knowing where your control ends, that you're not alone or crazy, that there is much in you increasing your pain, your desire to fix, please, repair, undo and do over.

You are the BS...you can choose your journey. You have every right to divorce or not to--you will not be a bad person either way. You are a person. Choosing her journey.

I know you know this already. You're heard. You're not alone.

LA

LA, thank you. You have helped more than you know.
JJ

I believe in you, JJ. You can't control that.

LOL.

Sleep and rest yourself for tomorrow...it isn't here yet.

(((())))

LA

Somehow, it is always better in the morning! lol

Had another good day at work, and my DS is being so good. I also went to IC, and she said it was a good idea not to file for D. She seems to think that we can make it as long as he is willing to get help.

I probably did another bad thing, I hacked into his email account... nothing there, though. I will monitor it while he is away at PLDC. But if he finds out, I think I will be in big trouble.

JJ

JJ,

Do you have a parental marriage? I did. I was my H's mother...one of the reasons he was attracted to me. If your H has the ability to put you in trouble, then the balance of your marriage, your perspective of it, would be a great place to begin to change.

You are married to an addict. An act of love to know and understand not his commitment, but the depth of his problem. SA is about secrets. You are shining a light into one of them. There are many others.

If you choose this journey, know that you will have to do a whole lot of changing, strengthening yourself, to withstand those secrets. As they come out, from long ago, slowly, like bitter glass, you will need to be in a place of compassion and loving detachment. Your heart might feel like breaking when a year from now the root causes and experiences emerge. Maybe two years...maybe two months. I ask you to focus on yourself because with you both being enmeshed, each responsible for the others, then his reality, his secrets might feel as horrible to you as they do to him.

That's what he doesn't need. He doesn't tell to spare harm and hurt. You have to get strong enough in your own personal code to know that you are safe for him to tell his truth, and you do that by becoming very confident, from practice, in your own.

Telling you from experience. There's a spouses of SA group, much like Al-Anon, I believe. I would begin meetings and the partner program of recoverynation.com. There can be your focus.

LA