JJ,

If your WH is in PLDC, I don't think he will be able to get to a computer. Of course, times have changed, but I don't think that much.

Now that I think of it, if he is just going to PLDC, his career is just starting. There is not much to wreck. He needs to get his addicitions sorted before he gets promoted and is responsible for troops.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

JJ,

Just wondering how you're doing.

Drop us a line.

Stay Strong!

Hello. Here is an update.

It has been a horribly long week. My job is good, but this has been my training week, so it has a times been pretty stressful. My poor little boy got sick at daycare and has been puking all night long. I just now got him tucked into bed and am hoping a little sleep will help him out. It also contributes directly to my "horrible mom" syndrome. I haven't ever worked in his short life, and putting him in daycare has been really hard for me.

I commute about an hour to work, so I've had a lot of time on my hands to think. For good or bad, I don't know. I usually end up crying the whole ride home. Yuck.

H is still at PLDC. In fact, he hasn't even made it through the first week. I am sad. If this is a precurser to what Plan B is going to feel like, OUCH! He hasn't called. I don't know if he will or not. Nothing has been happening in his email, but the one I hacked into was his "normal" email, not his secret life email. I don't know if I should be honest and tell him I did it. He will know something is up, because I had to change the password to get access. So know I just wish I hadn't done it at all. My IC said I should do it to protect myself. So maybe that is what I will tell him.

As to the whole parental marriage, I have been his mom for the last 6 years. I pay the bills, take care of the house, everything. He just has to show up for work. I have gotten tired of it. I think back, and I don't think he has ever really had to care for himself. I wish I had involved him more in the day to day. Ah, hindsight.

Now that the tables have turned, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I feel like anything I do can and will be used against me in my WH twisted trial of our M. I have been tiptoeing around him, not knowing which way is up. This month will give me a break from that, but now I am obsessing about the email and what I am going to say about it. Yuck, again.

I am at a loss for my next move. Just keep up with Plan A? Ask for some answers? As the time nears for him to be coming home, my anxiety level is reaching new peaks! I am really starting to doubt the control I have in my own life. That is scary.

Hope everyone is doing well... Going to catch up on a few threads this weekend!
JJ

Oh, and I have another question for the vets:

What do you say to a WH who is set on being "friends" after the D? In Plan A do you agree with this? He brought this up the other day, and I was fine with it, then again on the phone, and I told him it might be to hard. Just wondering which way to go! I can't even make up my own mind!

It's pretty hard to be friends with someone who has screwed someone behind your back in an affair.

Most WS's have this fantasy though.

Try telling him you want to be hie WIFE.

I just got done talking to H. I knew he might get his phone on Sundays, so I just figured I'd try. Well, he answered and seemed a bit surprised. I don't know if he was surprised it was me, or surprised that I called. He said he had just turned the cell on, but I don't know if I can believe that right now.

I wanted to ask so many questions, I think I ended up sounding desperate. I told him I had something to ask him, but it could wait (he is always in a hurry to get off the phone). I did tell him I was confused about what was going on with us, and that it would be easier when he got home. Right? I asked. Right, he says.

I think I'm blowing it. I've had such a rough week, it is hard to be happy when I talk to him. I am so sad right now. I feel like I am in a rut. Could be the stress, I guess.

When the WS was stupid enough to ask me a foggy question like that I threw it back in his face and said something like:

WS: I want us t/b friends after the D.

BS: Hm..... well WS, how many 'friends' do you still have as friends who have stabbed you in your back, ruined your family, tried to kill your reason to love and even live? Btw, who are they?

WS: I wouldn't have friends like that.

BS: Me too. Got your answer now?

Then walk away. See you don't have to reason with them.....he is a stupid WS making a very stupid request. Play it back to him and put him in the hot seat....then turn up the heat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Reverse babble....gotta love it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I agree with Orchid and Big Kahuna on the "we can be friends after the divorce" question.

As BK said, many WS live in the fantasy world of everyone being just fine after the family breaks up and everyone learning to be good friends afterwards -- including the ex-spouse and the OP.

You've got to bust this bubble immediately. Tell him, as Orchid and BK said, that you do not need or want "friends" who lie to you and help you wreck your family.

Tell him that you are here to be his *wife*, not his friend or his pal or his buddy or his girlfriend. If he does not want you to be his wife, then you will have to bow out of his life for good.

Take this one to the bank: If he thinks there's even a chance he can turn you into a "friend" and still keep his OW, he'll do it. Don't be a part of that.
Mulan

H called early today from PLDC (well, it was late there). I had an awesome Plan A convo, no R talk, just everyday stuff, and got everyday, happy stuff back. It was nice just to have a "normal" conversation.

I did tell H that I missed him, and he responded "Do you?" in his little cutesy voice. Don't know how he took that one. I refrained from the "I love you", because I don't want to say it and be expecting too much. H told me I could call him whenever I wanted after 8pm there or anytime on Sundays. He even went so far to say I could call and hang up, so he could call back and save the phone bill. So that seems to be going well. Could it be he actually misses me?

Or is it more of the "friendly" act? Just not going to expect too much, I guess. With work and everything, I have had less time to obsess about our R, so I am starting to feel a little better.

I'm sure the coaster will swing back down again soon, but for now it is smooth sailing.
JJ

Well, things are not going well in the IG front. Here is the response they sent me regarding the other stuff I found.

Mrs. Bernard thank you for the documents that you submitted and had sent to the office. But all of the documents are very old dated in 2003. You would like us to assist you with a current issue that you have stated....but with old documents. Can you please clearly explain to me what you would like us to do and please forward me any current information that I can use to assist you with this issue.

I am thinking of just saying "screw it" and telling them to just forget the whole thing. I'm tired of it being ME and MY fault in all of this. I wanted answers, and now all I have are people laughing at me and no husband either. And after my H told me he was thinking of getting back together before the IG complaint, well, now I think none of this was worth it.

I would write them a detailed letter explaining what you would like them to do. It sounds to me like they know there is something going on, and want to have proof.

I just had a good Plan A conversation with my H. We talked about just about everything.

I then told him I was protecting myself by looking for answers myself since he couldn't give me any. (Checking his email, and getting old stuff off of the computer.) I also told him I was going to get an STD screen. He said just "okay" to both of those statements.

I then told him that I am trying hard to be angry with his addiction, and not with him. I told him that I loved him very much, and I still think of myself as his wife. I said that I am trying to imagine what it would be like to be him, but that I really had no idea what he was going through. I don't know if any of this affected him in any way, he was quiet. He could have been picking his nose the whole time for all I know. He didn't sound upset, and he actually said "Thank you".

We went back to talking about other stuff, and really had a good talk about his school and my new job. It was nice, and we ended the convo on a good note.

So, even if things didn't go as planned on the IG front, at least I can sink a few things into WH that he might have time to think about in the future. (At least I hope its not falling on deaf ears, but who knows? lol)

No one told me this roller coaster had so many hills! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JJ

JJ,

The IG front was not a waste. First off, I am guessing that due to their investigation, they couldnt get anymore recent concrete proof. So, they are holding things and looking for more info from you or from other places that will give them what they need.

Now, lets say they never get anymore proof. What has going to the IG done???? Think about it a sec...what concerning MB principles did this do?

It allowed exposure!!!!! Now, there is no way the two can continue as they did, because they will get caught. People are watching now. And they both know it. So, you have that going for you.

The second thing is this...he knows you know. And you are still there talking and working with him. It is why you are getting the responses you are from him.

So, all of this is good. What you have done here is given your marriage the best shot possible of succeeding. Good job.

In His arms.

Thanks MM, I am beginning to see things that way too. In a way, I think of it as a sign from me of how serious this all is. I think it is turning out for the best, whether we stay together or not (still crossing fingers).

I was wondering if anyone out there can share their stories on sex addiction. The search here sucks, and it is hard to find original threads. I have been reading the recent ones, but can't find anything from a W's POV. I would like to hear about recovery after the H's sex addiction. I would also like to read about the opposite, so I can see the signs if H is not ready to change. So, if anyone can point me in the right direction?

I'm also looking into SAA for WH when he gets home, and the support group for me. I have my first ever business trip the week after WH gets home from Korea, so I am thinking of getting a key logger for the week I am gone. That might give me a few more answers.

Sending WH another package this week. I have been good at writing little notes and stuff without too much pressure. Then, last night as I was finishing taping up a box, I had a wave of hate come over me! I kept thinking that WH was getting these packages and just laughing and thinking "SUCKER" the whole time. That's when I remembered I was trying to save my marriage and that it wouldn't go on forever this way. Grrrrrr. Still hurts.

I am still debating on how long to keep Plan A after WH gets home. Do I do another 6 months? What if he refuses to get treatment? Plan B then? I guess as the time draws near I am getting more and more nervous. It would be nice to go into it with a plan!

Thanks everyone,
JJ

One web site is recoverynation.com. Have you checked that one out?

Yes, it is an awesome site. I was just wondering if there were other MBers out there who have dealt with a WH with a SA. Trying to stay on track... and the best way to do that for me is to have a plan and a program. I guess I am just anal! I wanted some MB perspective to guide me.

JJ - you might get a better respons on that if you start a new thread with a more descriptive title.

Thanks Big K, just changed the thread title.

JJ,

As I mentioned, my H was diagnosed with SA in June 2004. He was arrested and that is how we (even he did not know himself) found out about his addiction.

I read many publications about SA, which helped. H has been in SA counseling since then. You might want to look for a therapist who is familiar with SA. I was lucky b/c a therapist I accidentally found was pretty familiar with SA. What she told me last year (even though I did not want to believe some of the stuff she told me) became all true and matched whatever I was suggested at the recoverynation.com website. You can ask an SA coach your questions at the recoverynation.com website. He is very helpful.

When H attended SA meetings back in 2004 (it was a mandate due to his arrest), I noticed tremendous changes in him. He became humble and was trying to combat his issues seriously. But soon as he stopped attending after three months, he became a typical addict again.

Why don't you try to find if there are any places that offer SA meetings for your WH. Do you think he would agree to attend them?

Milk

JJ,
have you read Soonergirl's thread in the Emotional Needs Section? The title is "Hysterical Outburst re: Porn". It starts out mosty about porn, but progresses into a more detailed discussion about SA. There's a guy who's posted a lot there ASKME who is very knowledgable. He posts in this section of the boards too, and I'm sure when he sees the new title of your thread, he'll be along to offer some help.
Hitchhiker is another. All the best to you.

--SC