I thought we were making some progress. I can't understand anything anymore. I'm so sorry I seem to be babbling. I am crying my heart out, you all are the only ones who understands.

I have been working so unbeleivable hard and doing everything I possible can to fix my marriage. We talk, we talk as friends. I told him I do not want to be his friend.

I even slept w/ him sat and sun night. There was no emotion on his part. But I thought it must be there somewhere.

He put an ad on a personal site on monday. He does not know that I know this

This has broke my heart. I cannot continue like this and I don't know what to do. The face of reality is that he just doesn't love me.... I was good enough for him when he was 400#'s now I am not.

I am so sad.

Julie

This is a difficult letter for me to write. I have written this letter with the true love only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, it is from the heart.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the loss of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed all this trauma to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel I have been learning ways to be the type of woman I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt much pride in calling you my husband. I so want to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the girls.
I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those.

I have thought about my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to correct them and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. I cannot continue to do that until you end your relationship with Becky and all other relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, and family for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until there are changes to benifit our family. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

Until then, I will need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you as much financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and the other things I have assumed, but I will not be able to pay for your truck and trailer ins or for your cell phone. You will have to cover those yourself. I will be cancelling them within one wk. Untill you change your address, I will leave your mail in the box. If you need to communicate with me regarding Taylor or any other matter, it should be through email, unless it is an emergency involving Taylor, in which case I will take your call. For game schedule, the number for her coach is 782-6140.

I have tried the best that I know how to express my love for you and my desire to have you in my life as my husband again. I don’t know what else to say. I could hold on, make a nuisance of myself but I love you too much to cause you anymore pain than I already have. I just really needed you to know how much I still love you and how sorry I am for all the mistakes that I made. They say that we should learn from our mistakes, and I know that’s true but I just wish the lesson didn’t cost so much.
I loved you when we met and I love you more today than I did when we first married. I am dedicated to make our marriage a place you will really want to be.

Julie

to top off the day he is very angry w/ me because I won't co-sign for a loan for him to get a car. He said if the rolls were reversed he would do it in a heart beat. I can't believe he even asked.

Julie

thought i would bump myself for some advice

How do I know when It is time for plan B??

He is just rude, disrespectful and treats me lke crap.

Example: Last night he texted me at 11:30 and asked me to come over and sleep w/ him. I said no, our daughter is here. He got angry. This is starting to get on my nerves. I won't argue w/ him, but he is blind to the way he acts. It is hurtful. My plan B letter is on this thread if anyone would like to read it.

I feel like I am stuck and could really use a voice.

Julie

Hi J,

Not much time to post, just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through, sounds like you are having a really tough time...

Try to remember that you are doing the right things, all of these things; the disrespect, the selfishness; unfortunately seem to be normal. I believe it is the only way WS's can deal with/ignore the guilt. Seems to be a universal rule around here that WS's try to run from guilt as best they can.

In other words, this has nothing to do with you, OK?

Try to draw pride about yourself FOR yourself. You are a compassionate person who cares about family, believes in marriage, loves her kid (kids? I'm not clear on this...), has a willingness to self-improve, has a conscious, is thoughtful and thinks about others, and has strong moral values.

As long as you act from these principles, you can't lose, you ought to be proud and happy with yourself everytime you do something that enforces the above. Don't let your H get in the way of how you feel about yourself, OK? His reactions DO NOT necessarily reflect your successful moves during Plan A!! He IS noticing!! He can't let you know this though...or he has to deal with guilt head on, y'know?

Is he out of line? Yes. Can you control his behavior. No. Can you control your reaction? Yes.

DON'T let him get to you. It helps me to think of them as insane! Then laugh it off. If he disrepects you, walk away, say goodbye and hang up, or whatever. DON'T allow it. But ALSO no angry outbursts either. NOT reacting IS an action, a choice, within your control.

And much harder, and takes more discipline, than how he is behaving right now.

I don't mean to make this out as a competition: you vs. him. Rather, I'm trying to help you gain your self-esteem from within, to know you are a loving and kind person, and stronger than you know. Your H is lost right now, he's trying to find you, and to do that he'll put you through all sorts of tests to see if your really there. These tests should be easy for you to pass, with your strong set of principles!

Again, Plan A is not Plan Doormat. You can respectfully disagree with anything that does not fit in your moral code, without love-busting. He will respect you for it. He may not like it. Tough sh*t. Respect is more important.

OK, I've avoided your question. When to Plan B? I'm no expert, and I've not reached this yet myself...To echo what I've read, Plan B comes when you need to protect your feelings for him, have trouble Plan A'ing without LB'ing, and have had a successful Plan A. the idea is for him to have an ideal image of you before you go into darkness with Plan B.

So only you can decide. But to help, it seems to me you would need to ponder the following questions:

1. Is your love fading dangerously, where you would not have enough left to motivate you during recovery?

2. Can you still Plan A without LB'ing?

3. Have you successfully carried out Plan A?

Anyone else with more expert advice?...I'm a novice here...

Hope this helps! CJ

CJ

you are a million bucks...

Please know if it weren't for your inspriration I would have given up a while ago.

Julie

WOW! Thanks, now if I only had a million bucks and knew how to inspire myself!! hahahahahaha

Take care of yourself!

You know, you REALLY wake up EARLY, dontcha? What's up with that?!

At 5am, I'm SO asleep! HA!

l8r...

My H is always asking me to go to his place to sleep w/ him. Our daughter stayed w/ her friend last night so I did. He even asked if I was going to spend the entire night w/ him. (shocked I was) There was very little cuddling, no real talking and it felt like I was w/ a stranger... I am not sure how to handle this feeling. He won't come to the house at all to sleep w/ me. Why do you think?? I am still trying to meet every need he has w/ the exception of co-signing a loan. He said the other day that I don't see the progress.... that a month ago we weren't talking and now we talk each day. He became very irritated when I asked how his feelings were progressing w/ me. I have deeper conversations w/ my cat.

He is driving me up the wall. I don't think I will coninue to sleep w/ him as I expect more than he is ready to give.

Julie

our daughter and I invited H for dinner. To my surprise he accepted. He was very quiet through dinner and also watched a movie. (his idea) After the movie he left, just said "talk to you tomorrow". No hug, nothing.

This is so painful and confusing. I do not know what he is thinking or feeling. I hope he is not toying w/ me hoping to only to be my friend. He is a stranger! Is this normal staging???

Are there stages to expect for the WS?

Thanks Julie