But it isn't "wrong" to expose an affair, it is wrong to have an affair. Exposure is the simply the most effective weapon against an affair. Exposure ruins affairs. The goal of the BS is to kill the affair, not to enable the affair by keeping dirty little secrets.

ok, remember me here??? Just kidding.

Seriously though, MelodyLane (and everyone else too) what do you think of the parent calling the school and my involvement in it????

I kind of / sort of / may of caught my wife walking out with the OM to her car yesterday. At 4:12pm I drove by parking lot, both cars were there and no sign of either my wife or OM, I turned around and came back (I had to the street was a dead end). At 4:14 I drove back by the parking lot, both cars were gone. 2 minutes, they had to have walked out together (right). Does it matter if we're getting a divorce??? I think I may be going overboard with the snooping. . . I think snooping and spying can become an addiction or obsession.

GTO

GT, frankly, I don't see the point of any more snooping or exposing. I don't see how it will save your marriage, do you?

Thanks Mel, I guess I agree, other than the fact that my wife never really faced any consequences for her affair. She still doesn't believe that her continued contact was wrong or caused additional deterioration of an already bad situation.

Yes, motivation would make a huge difference. My H would have been justified in employing that method to break up the A. But allow me to apologize: I read my posts again, and I sounded excessively defensive. An A is the most wrong move of all, and I suppose I should explain that I am VERY new to this process. It is amazing how an A can turn one's sense of right and wrong so topsy-turvy.

sfjaj,

You said somethings I thought I would respond to.
Yes, your H would. Because with the A going on, there can be no saving the marriage or rebuilding or recovery. So exposure serves that purpose first and foremost. HOWEVER, there are some other purposes that need to be considered.



Your apology is not really necessary. Yes, you sounded defensive, but you also have a point that needs to be carefully considered with exposing. It is expected that the WS will be defensive, angry, frustrated, pained, etc. It is part and parcel with what comes with an A. However, the BS must carefully consider how and WHY they are exposing.

Obviously, it is because they A needs to see the light of day for it to end in many cases.

But, there is a another part that is often missed. The BS needs HELP in dealing with what happened and in rebuilding the marriage and exposure to members of the family, church, friends ect, should come with the following request. It should be the request to help the BS and eventually the WS to rebuild the marriage and their love for one another.

This is why it is said that exposure should NOT be done as retribution or punishment. The exposure espoused in plan A is for the purpose of rebuilding the marriage. The BS has determined that they would like to save and rebuild the marriage if at all possible, hence the need to expose to end the A COUPLED with the request that those that have be used in exposure HELP the BS show the WS that they are loved and wanted by the BS.

Do you see what is desired? It is very normal for the WS to feel that exposure was to punish them. As you say, the A makes things very topsy-turvy. However, what is also needed is support, help, and guidance from those closest to both partners.

If the A is over, and the couple are working on this, then the only exposure that should take place is to the spouse of the other person. This is for health and moral reasons, and is still a very touchy subject, especially if the A has been over a long time. One then wonders if they are doing more harm than good.

In someways the exposure process is very black and white, but at its fringes it become complex. The thing about the exposure espoused here, is that it is to be done in theraputic manner, NOT a revenge driven manner. It will hurt and bother the WS just the same, but if recovery is at all possible it does help.

Does this make sense? Your gut level feeling I am sure is that it is going to punish the WS and that is not good. You are right in that feeling. The real idea is not to punish, but to rebuild.

I enjoy your contributions to this site sfjaj. I hope you stay around and help. As you can tell many here need input from all sides.

God Bless,

JL

sfjaj-

Your opinions on exposure are in direct conflict with MB concepts!

Grovetucky says that he believes the affair is "Over"....but his WW and the OM are in DAILY contact...and as we well know.......that will cloud the WS's judgement.

I think that he should expose to the principal of the school, and I would even threaten to take it higher up if no action was taken.

The Mayor of Grove City (Which the school district in question is in, goes to GREAT LENGTHS to keep anything that could remotely tarnish her city TIGHTLY under wraps......I would say it would include this particular situation, and that one of the teachers...be it the WW or the OM....be removed from that school and transferred to another school.

I would even go so far as to threaten to call the local news, they have something called 6 on your side (Channel 6) that goes out and exposes these types of scandals....guarantee you with the controversy the school district is going through about their money issues they WOULD NOT want this kind of publicity.

Just my opinion, but I've lived here 34 years, so I know how it all works.

Grovetucky only exposed to the HR department of the school system....I would have gone WAY beyond that.

God Bless,

-Caren

JL, you presented that information so well; it really does get to the heart of the matter. Motivation does matter, and I, too, believe that exposure to those beyond involved marriage partners should mostly be limited to those cases where the A has not ended. CarenMc, I realize that my thoughts were somewhat at odds with MB concepts, but I was concerned most about the poster being able to rescue his M, if that is his wish. Motivation that is revenge-driven or that appears so, may send the WS not just walking, but fleeing, in the other direction. I don't pretend to have all the answers; I am still learning. But I do believe there is not always one solution-fits-all approach to all problems.

sfjaj, I think you are correct for your concern about my motivation. I'm worried about that also. It's what has held me up from doing this and what probably held me up in the beginning when I did not expose properly. At the time, I felt it was wrong to do that, and I didn't like airing my dirty laundry to a bunch of people I didn't know. In hindsight, I wish I would have exposed right away. Now it just feels like I'm doing it for revenge. I don't want revenge, I just want a chance to put my marriage back together. That's not going to happen as long as there is contact.

I guess I'm just my own worse enemy. I trusted my WW to do the right thing. Everyone on this board told me that was not going to happen, but I didn't listen very well.

So let me put it out there. Does anyone believe there is still a way for me to save my marriage? I'm open for suggestions. I'm "reasonable" sure that contact never really ended, but I don't know how much contact is going on and how often.

GTO

I would say trust your own instinct. If you feel uncomfortable about your motivation in exposing at this point, don't. If you feel comfortable that your motivation is strictly in ending the A, rather than revenge, it might be helpful. From my experience, giving your WS room to ponder what has happened (and you being firm about what is acceptable to you in repairing the M) is much more helpful than pursuing them. In addition, you should counseling for yourself and your own healing. Take care of yourself, and it will help you deal with problems in the M. I am sorry you are enduring this now