I am getting very used to living my own life. The boys and work and my online business and starting a new career path and selling a house and the new baby are keeping me plenty busy.

I have started looking forward to what this new life looks like.

It might be helpful to add that WH was not wonderful to me before this. Maybe this is part of it.

I feel like I am taking a stand for me and the boys.

Is this incredibley selfish of me?

I KNOW it is not easy.

That is one of the things that happens. The BS starts really looking at the marriage and realizes that it was not that great before the betrayal. That is how it was for me. I spent months and months after D-day crying and moping. But as I got on with my life, I started seeing that there was not that much to miss about my husband.

But is this selfish of me at this point?

I want to handle this with dignity the WHOLE way through. I have been SO kind to him the whole time. I just feel used now. Not respected. And very ready to finally have some kind of stability.

I feel guilty for thinking this way--almost like I don't have the right to feel this way.

I am very hard on myself.

You sure are hard on yourself. It is not selfish at all.

And there is no reason to feel used. You have been a faithful wife, and doing what you should do. There is no shame in trying to save a marriage.

But don't worry too much about these things. I think it is a very healthy sign.

What I mean by feeling used is that I feel like has only used me to get what he wants or now--because he might be out of work, etc. MAybe one day his eyes will open up--but I am not sure if he will ever admit it was not my fault.

And I am not ashamed of trying to save my marraige. That is why I love MB--it's a safe place to get advice that is against the norm of what everyone who knows me irl has said. I feel like I have given it my all since day 1.

I knew something was up, but not having found MB yet, I went to the Christian Book Store (where ironically he used to manage). I was led to two books--Love Must Be Tough and When the One You Love Wants to Leave. I was still months away from knowing about OW, but the threats of leaving were a new thing. He had become increasingly irritable, very verbally mean to me, and around a lot less. Two weeks before he moved out, I discovered a married co-worker in a compromising position with another married coworker. When I told WH about it, he said "well, it's the perfect way to cheat(he is referring to the kind of place I work at and the hours the two of these people work). That struck me as odd as well.

Why I am writing this is to say that those two books gave me the chance to be grounded in a plan so to say--I was ready when it hit--devastated, but ready. I really followed a self-imposed plan A, along with Dobson's ideas about the caged bird analogy.

It's not so much that I am done fighting--it's more that I am not sure I know what I am fighting for. I am not sure my boys would be better off with him home--because I am not certain this character flaw will not show its ugly face again--not just the cheating, but the selfishness. I want them to see me as a source of strength for them--even if it means having to go solo on this journey. Like jen68, I want to focus on the boys now and give them the best chance they can have.

I am probally making no sense. I am just so close to the D being final. And I am trying to come to terms with who WH really is. Who I really am in light of all this.

intexas

p.s. I know I should be sleeping, but Mr. Elliot has decided that from 12:30-2am is a great time to be awake. He is sitting in his bouncy chair next to me just looking around.

Maybe you are fighting for your boys now. Keep up the good fight.

You will never regret handling yourself with the "dignity" you describe. One day, the heavy odds are that your WH's affair will end. Your WH will recognize the way you have treated him, even when he didn't deserve it, and he'll come back to you. That's the time to decide whether you want him back or not.

Don't worry about the choice until then--Maybe it's time for you to insulate yourself from the worry and the hurt for a while.

-CSJ

Insulate myself. Hmm...i like that, but I am not sure how exactly to go about doing that. Does that mean moving on and not expecting any change, but if it happens, then embrace it as a gift? A blesing. A testimony.
And if it doesn't--the same.

Today has been a day of thougths for me. I have only the baby today b/c Wh finally has the older two boys since he is on Spring Break. I have cleaned like a mad woman and gotten 12 auctions up (I sell kids clothes online). My house is sparkling, some much-needed extra money is hopefully coming my way, and I am a bit more relaxed because I know I can let the baby come in my bed in the morning and maybe get some extra sleep.

But today has also been a tough one for me thought-wise. It is of course the decision that will one day be all on me. Yes, WH wants to come home--but not give up girlfriend until then, not admit that he is at fault for choosing to leave us while I was preggo, and will not give up opp-sex friends. He is basically using me as a safety net since he is losing his job in May.

For those of you have recovered (or not) if the WH comes home, how did you stop feeling like that?

I have mentally hit a block when it comes to this point. How will I ignore the harshest statements he has made:

He said he was afraid he'd be settling for me if he came back.

He said he wanted me to give the baby up for adoption on the day he left. (If this does not show his character of selfishness, I don't know what does--he basically was thinking the baby was coming ata bad time b/c he wanted out,etc and did not want to look bad).

And he has told me that he finds OW more attractive than me. And that when he was home and we were having SF, he thought of others instead of me.

How do you let go of these kind of statements. Not forgive-but let go? I am not talking about getting over infedelity only and the images that go through a BS's mind concerning that--but the comments and statements that might not just be all fog?

Yes, partly. What I picture is not just moving on mentally, but letting your WH know that you have moved on. Basically, a Plan B letter. Maybe you have already done this? But I think somehow he needs to know that his vision of using you as a back-up plan is not acceptable. He needs to know that unless and until he can really participate as a husband and father, it is too damaging to you (and his children) for him to have continued contact with you. I realize, of course, that with a final divorce there is court-ordered contact between WH and the kids--but insulate yourself from him as best you can, I think. Preserve your sanity.


Somehow, it's the things my FWH said to me during his A that hurt me worst of all, too. I know in my head that he had sex with that OW, and that is bad enough. But the spiteful little comments go around and around in my head. At the time I thought he was just being thoughtless, and that I could take. But now that I KNOW what was going on, it strikes me as outright meanness--and I didn't deserve that. And you don't either.

I don't think you can ever get completely past those things until his behavior towards you changes. For example, I feel the sting much less now that we are trying to recover. His kindness now helps me to forgive what he said (and did) before. I think that, plus the passage of time, will make it possible for me to forgive. Time will help you too, I am sure. But as long as your WH keeps putting his foot in his mouth, your perception of him as a selfish a$$ is going to continue. And for good reason.

God bless-and take care of you and the wee one.

-CSJ

I just literally threw up--had a d-day moment all over again.

My niece just came by with mother-in-law (they're in town) and casually mentioning hearing from WH via myspace.

So as soon as they leave, I start searching my little texas heart out. I was overtaken for a moment with fear.

And I find my WH's site. He has joined myspace. His status: In a relationship.

THose three words eliminated me from his life. Married is an option. But no, he put in a relationship.

THis might seem like nothing. It is HUGE to me. ANd I am not an overeacting personal in general.

The whole page he set up made me want to puke (well, I did). I mean, it made me sick to my stomach. I don't know him anymore.

He is so deceptive it is scary.
I'm shaking.
Really, I am.

I know the D is right around the corner, and i am resolved to take whatever happens.

But this was just a kick in the face.

It lists his friends. GOd must be watching out for my heart, b/c luckily OW was not on there. But 2 old girlfriends were, my sis-in-law, niece, and some of his old HS friends and current students.

He's not as alone as I thought he was. It's all been a lie--that woe is me stuff he pulls.

Ouch. Got to gain some composure. I have work at 5.
Why am I so upset?

was it under his real name? Is that how myspace works? Or is it some code name? Wondering if mine has one! (WH)

He has it under his first name, but I searched by zip code, age, etc. It was fairly easy to find.

I don't have an account--never even been to the site before today.

Actually, as hurt as I am, I am more hurt for him.

How empty he must be. He's running so fast he doesn't know what end is up.

Wish he could stop hurting himself. It would be so simple. At least from the outside it seems like it would be.

I'm just sitting here crying still. Not a good day for me. I swear my heart aches more for that man's actions towards himself than to me.

SO I keep watching his myspace. He's online right now. He keeps adding old HS friends--all female but one.

Do I just let all this go? I mean, the D is almost here. I keep thinking--gee, if he were home and I was just finding all this i'd be devastated.
But he's been gone for so long.
So what do I do?
I am hurt. Shows further disregard for me.

Or is he just so lost he's searching for anything?

Anyone got any ideas?

I'm having a hard time with this. It is like he is a complete stranger now.

Sorry I kep posting about this but I am having a darned-hard time with this.

Under the bio part he wrote where he was from, lists his college (where we met) then goes straight to his three boys.
No mention of our marriage, life, etc other than listing that he has three boys.

I sent him some e-mailed photos of the boys last week. Just noticed he added them to his profile.

Another funny thing--he told me he only has computer at school. He's at his place with the kids, so I guess that's another lie.

I need to do my own version of going dark again. This is the kind of stuff that just tugs at all your insides.

I have not read enough to know for sure, but if he has moved out, there probably isn't a need for this information right now, but hold onto any sources you have, because it may come in handy later.

He still sounds pretty typical. Big lies, little lies. Nothing but lies lies lies. That has little, if anything, to do with the chances of whether you guys end up in recovery or not.

It will get better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hm....may be good to ask him if he has been selling your children's pictures to a child pornogropher???? Let him learned there was some man posting about him and 3 boys on some nasty website. Then let it go and watch him babble.

Don't volunteer what you know or how you found out. Just plant those seeds of doubt.

L.

I think you hit it right on the nose. He is wandering in the dark--doesn't even know who he is or where he is. Sad, really. He may be about ready to hit rock bottom--and that may be what needs to happen for him.

God bless,
CSJ

Urrr...it might not be good for me to look at that myspace of his. It eats at me everytime. So hard to see. He added tonight the HS girlfriend that is the one I have posted about many times before. The one that makes me doubt the whole start of our marriage.

She had a pic posted. I looked. Call it human nature.
I am more motivated now to keep getting this baby weight off. HEck of a time to do this to a woman, huh? I am trying to not let my self-image get caught up in comparison to the OW in his life.

And another strange thing--he asked on there what others thought about the navy. I hope he isn't considering joining. My boys need their dad.

I wish I could figure out why this is hurting more now than it did for the past months.

Probably cause the D is around the corner.

Ouch. I need a big bandaid for this one.

Want us to go and post to him? LOL!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I created an account and thought about doing it, but I don't have it in me. I can think of mean things to do, but I have been nothing, and i mean NOTHING, but nice to this man since he has left. Not doormat nice, but definitely civil.

I guess it's just a harder time for me right now. The last of my out-of-town visitors have left, and it is all me and the three boys officially from here on out.
I know I can do this. Don't doubt it. God has a plan for me. I'm just kind of lonely. Not bored. Can't find much time to breathe. But lonely.

okay. pity party over. Back to saving marriages folks!