Yes I am! It really does feel good. Have you thought of marketing this technique? What's the next lesson for me to take? Can you get it on tape?

Believer--
I have read that book--it is actually one I have recommended to new posters on here, because I really think that alongside MB principles, it puts the BS in the best place to understand not being a doormat. And for me, it made me more aware of how much I was not respected when we were married (pre-A). My WH cannot say that about me--and I am proud of that. I am proud that I was a good wife to him. And one day, maybe someone (maybe WH) will be able to show me the same respect and treatment. I will accept nothing less.
I have been working on a letter, but haven't completed it yet. I think that he will take it the wrong way, but I really know now that it is not my job to worry about how he will receive it as long as my intentions are right. I cannot make him clear through this state he is in.

I was in pity-party mode last week, and thankfully I have snapped out of it. I hate being so darn down in the dumps. I started working out at the gym this week. I am sure that has helped. I set a weightloss goal--even let the skinny-minnie trainers measure my body fat and tell me what percentage body fat I had. (Don't recommend this unless you're out of the pity party mode.) I have a six month goal. I cannot wait for six months to come! I also start classes this summer--it's a hard-core condensed certification summer cluster of classes, but in August,I can start teaching HS english if I want to. (But ignore that if you're looking at my spelling and grammar on MB--I don't proofread on messageboards.)

I didn't respond to WH's e-mail at all. I thought that was best.

Highschool English? That would be a challenge!!!!

I am at a loss right now after my Saturday/SUnday interactions with WH, and I am in need of feedback.

If I ramble it's because that is how confused I feel.

I brought the boys to his town Saturday Morning. He called on the way and wanted to go to breakfast. I said no, as I had plans with a friend. He said he wanted to see the baby. So I changed plans and we went to the park instead. I knew something was up. He doesn't ever want to see the baby, but since my heart aches for Elliot in that area, I agreed.

He starts by complimenting me on my outfit. Made fun of my bracelet, etc. Then he says "Intexas, would it be okay if I date you?" I said "huh?" He said "date you, you look really nice and I miss you."

So I ask if he still has a girlfriend. He says, yes, but it isn't going well and she spent the evening with her Ex and is thinking of going back to him. She's hurting me a lot, you know. he also tells me his top five stresses and that he needs to figure out how to fix them. I was number 5, she was number 4. He said he is not sure if he and "Tiff" are gonna work or not, because she doesn't know what she wants.

I also asked him what his plan would be for me to get over her and him. He said "Best thing would be to forget the past 7 months ever happened." I say Impossible, I'd have to know every detail. He said no, because he didn't want me to compare myself to her and that he didn't want to compare me to her. OUCH!



Plain and simple he wants me to take on where she left off. I heard no I'm sorry. No I love you, etc. Just you look hot and I want to date you.

I say, no. You have a girlfriend.
I drop them off at the HS (because he won't let me see where he lives, and he says to think about it.


He proceeds to call me and text me all night. I didn;t answer because I was at a church event. When I see all the calls and call him back, he is angry. Says I am ignoring him. URRRR...


Sunday. He wants to go to lunch. I say no. Again, he has a girlfriend. I go to pick up the boys and this is where it gets even harder.

I stay in the car. The boys hop in and WH gets in the passenger door and leans toward me. I am nervous as heck and am smiling and laughing. I can't even tell you how nervous I was.

He says how nice I look. Makes an innuendo to my chest. Says I am changing. THen he says "It's okay to fall back in love with me, intexas. Because I am with you." THen he says "I know you want to kiss me. I know you want me. I can tell by your eyes."

SICK. COCKY. ARROGANT.

I felt disgusting. Does he have no clue? Does this not show complete lack of respect and disregard for me? The man is still with OW for heaven's sake.

What would you do from here? He thinks he is Mr. God's gift to women apparently, and he thinks I am weak enough to just fall in his arms, forget his affair, forget the horrible things he has said and done, forget he left me when pregnant and just fall for him.

Help. I know he only wants me because she os going to her Ex. There is no love there.I just want to keep moving on. This is too much. Too much.

intexas..
you are entering murky waters....tread lightly..

you need clear communication back to this type of babble..

Intexas, would it be okay if I date you?"

well dear husband ...here's the thing...I can't date I am married...AND I only plan on dating honest honorable men..I would never ever date someone who doesn't believe in fidelity and honesty...

(batt those lovely eye lashes...and do the hair flip here)

Says I am ignoring him.
No I am living my life and filling my world with people who believe in some of the same values as me...

No I love you,

please please in texas..that you wouldn't for one second want to hear the words I love you from someone who abandons their baby and has no idea what those words mean...

please tell me that..

I'd do some 180's that make his head spin if I were you

ARK

I actually think I a moving on just fine. I have been losing weight, working out, planning a trip to my cousin's wedding, getting certified this summer, applying for a teaching position, etc. I even have a "style" now.

I didn't want to hear I love you--i was just emphasizing his obvious insincerity--as in someone who was really repentent would say that.

I am just tired of it all. I am in shock that he would even think I'd jump back in like that.

Extreme manipulator. If you only knew...

What kind of 180's you have in mind?

Ho-hum - I thought he would be back. It really doesn't matter why the affair ends, just that it does. Right now he would make a very crummy husband, but the possibility is there.

I would continue doing what you are doing - making a wonderful life for you and your family. I love Ark's advice. She is always right on. And I would be very friendly with WH.

You see, these affairs tend to be on/off things. OW may have a change of heart, and then he will be off and running again.

Also I would sweetly let him know that he might want to work on the other stressful things in his life.

His personality is the type that when I tell him no, he says I am rejecting him and will carry that forever. He doesn't get it. At all.

I told him to work on himself.

And I know that it shouldn't matter why the A ends, but it does to me. I don't want him just because she's gonna try with her ex again. Is this wrong? I want to be REALLY WANTED. Not a consolation prize. He already said coming home would mean settling for me. And he is still not through with OW anyway. Notto mention his myspace that is full now of old girlfriends and tons of women I have no clue of where he knows them from.

I am just tired, Believer. I am so tired when I have been so good to him. And I still just get this. And he uses our kids to push his pathetic idea of recovery.

is it wrong to want to feel wanted? Or is this something I am supposed to always wonder about? I can't imagine daily life like that.

Luckily, I haven't heard from him today. Like I said, I am just tired of it all. Very tired and very confused.

No one wants to be the consolation prize. But once the affair ends, he should start thinking differently.

Have you read the 180 list? I think Ark is right.

You can be very pleasant to him, but just very busy.

Just based on a few of the things you've said in your posts, it seemed like a matter of time for you FWH to come back. He's keep his foot in the door the whole time--obviously recognizing that his OW was not completely meeting his needs. He still needed you. So his sudden change of heart was really inevitable. He is out of a textbook, honestly. The bubble bursts, and it's back to the wife, just pretend the whole thing never happened.

He will always be the father of your boys, so that relationship will continue. But it is YOUR choice if you want him to be your husband or not. And nothing says you have to decide today, or tomorrow, or this year. You don't need to do anything hasty--take your time to decide what is best for you.

Once trust is violated, it takes time to restore it, if it is to be restored at all. He has no place to demand it, and I think once he gets farther removed from the OW, he will recognize this. If he wants to do what it takes to make things right with you, and if you feel GOOD about your relationship, then good for you. If you are going to stay married to this man, then you make it the marriage you want it to be--THE ONE YOU AND YOUR BOYS DESERVE. If the divorce goes through, than that is okay too. You have proven already that you can do this, and that is a MB success story, too.

10 points to Believer for calling it.

They're back on. Guess they never were off. He called and said he still wants to date me, though, because he wants to see if we're still compatible. (I've heard this before when he wanted the trial run.) Said I hurt him very bad by telling him he made me nervous.

He refers to me as his ex-wife now. He said "Too bad my ex-wife is scared of me." We're still married (not much longer)and he is calling me his ex. Lovely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He got angry with me. Was yelling. I said I don't want to talk to someone who yells at me. I used plenty of reverse babble and simple truths. As I was coming up with the appropriate responses, I was thinking of MB. This place is a godsend I tell you. I wish I could remember them because I could sure use some kudos tonight. He even called me "little miss perfect." That actually hurt pretty badly.

He said again that he refuses to tell me the details of their affair, because they've done a lot, and some things would be better if I didn't know.

Is really ever possible to get the images out of your head?

So, this is all just another step, huh?

Anyone got a copy of the 180 list?

I'm looking for the list. The stupid search thing here now sucks.

Well Tex....on the bright side, this completely innane comment by your Cheating Husband will at least get on the ballot for next years "WS most idiotic comments symposium"......I get your pain, I do....but you can't listen to a word he says here. Give me actions, and then I might believe half the time.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I get a bad rap for being to "negative" here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, so I am trying to find good in anything that happens. I still think you'll be "allright" no matter what.

The 180 list for Got2:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

Thanks swan's song. I have it saved at work, but not at home. I have a hard time with the search thing.

intexas - I think you might want to do the 180. Don't feel bad about your WH going back and forth. It is completely normal. But the fog may be thinning.

You know, I have read over that list about ten times, and except for number three, I think that describes how I am interacting with WH. The relationship talks only come up when he brings them up. I don't call him. I have NEVER begged. I am proud of myself for that. Dobson's book was my guidebook from two weeks before he left.

Except for #17--i have had an awakening. I have learned that even though I have my down moments, I will be okay without WH--I don't just think I will, I know I will. I will because i have to. Because my boys deserve a strong mother. Because God's got my back and is who completes me.

Too bad my ex-wife is scared of me."
here's where you babble back...

dear I am afraid of any person who doesn't tell the truth and does not believe in honesty...those type of people are very dangerous....all people you are in contact with should be very wary of the likes of you....

smile
batt eyes

quit powerstruggling the details of the affair..honesty has no meaning to him....no point in the attempting to force him to be honest...

also know intexas you are doing good...
and we are not necessarilly EVER talking about recovering your marriage....but we are definitely discussing the saving of intexas through all this chaos...

you don't need to worry yourself about what is needed for recovery..

focus on your own continual growth ....

my advice to you is to not let fear hold you back from speaking consequences and truth...

have you told him how angry you are at him...for putting his own children in a situation to not have their father...
have you told him that his choice to date hurts to the core the children that he should heaven and earth to NOT hurt...

tell him these things unemotionally
detached
with clarity and sadness...

speak the truth...

you question me about dating dear husband..
and yet you don't see your own chidren..

who would date such a man that makes such choices....?
not I...

and those that would are not well either...
hit him where he lives intexas...and then leave him to wallow with the swine he chooses....

ARK