Eldente:

Thank you for your post. I found these posts to be very interesting. I couldn't have put it better than what you had posted above. I appreciate everyone's input since it does help me deal a little better with my STBXW.

I have never had an A but I would like to answer this one. As a married woman I have a good few times had meaningless sex with my H. Let me define the terms of meaningless. For me MEANGINGLESS= not emotional, without real meaning.

Usuaully translates into thoughts like, "I'm really not feeling this right now, He wants it, I don't, I'm going with the flow to please him so I can go to sleep."

For the most part I enjoy SF with my WS and am usually emotionally connected. However there are times when I'm not into it and it is just meaningless sex.

ABout your WW, maybe there is something else she is looking for that maybe she feels OM give to her. Like maybe attention or wanting to feel she belongs to someone. I'm new here. I don't know so much.

I do know that I've considered having an A on my WS because I wanted to feel more emotion and intimacy. I wanted have his attention outside of the bedroom. I wanted more tocuhing and holding me before SF, even when we didn't do it, and afterwards. Hope this makes sense though it may not be WW situation.

7 men in 1 month, is there somewhere else she might consider working? How does she feel about the sex with the men? Has she explained what it meant for her or what payoff she got from it. I wish you well beatndown.

Thanks for your comments.

Actually she hasn't worked there for a while. I had asked her many times to quit and she never would because I think she loved the attention she got there. That put tremendous strain on me because some idiot would say nice things, dance with her just to get in her pants and I could try anything and everything and it wouldn't make a difference.

It will be 2 years this May that all this happened.

I have asked her and she says it didn't mean anything and that "They had my body but they never had my heart"....Bull****.

She shared our marriage with other idiots and it didn't mean anything? makes me feel like I mean less than nothing to her since she was willing to sacrifice me and our marriage for that.

Which brings me to this point. One of the men I know (not personally though) he knew she was my wife, had even said hi to me a few times. He is a multi-millionair who is also married. I know where he lives and his company, I have seriously thought about calling his wife and telling even though they did their thing 2 years ago. Boy would he be pissed if his wife wanted a divorce and took half their assets. What do ya think?

First of all I want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. Your a better man than I am and I say that with the utmost respect! You should be proud of yourself! Is your wife only 21? Do you have any children? The reason that I ask is that you are still very young to be dealing with all of this.

As far as telling on one of the OM that you know of I say yes tell his wife. Do it for revenge if you want but more than that do it because his wife deserves to know the truth. As you said he knew she was married. Why should people like that get to destroy someones life without any consequences. His wife deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know what he is up to and for health reasons. She may want to stay with him but it should be her choice and she should have all of the facts.

eldente...I must also say that your last post is EXACTLY what I said to my FWW as we reconciled and recovered. I'll NEVER get it....because I had the same options she did regarding an affair. None of my EN's were met....ESPECIALLY SF....even at that time she told me she "needed to be close to me".....and wasn't...yet she would sleep with a man 17 years older than her that is unattractive??!?! I asked if was his wealth? She told me no....I got the he made me feel special....so I replied, is that why you you wanted to kill yourself? You felt so special?

So...As I get worked up thinking about this...I must go with my thoughts over the last couple of years...I don't get it...and unlike lemonman's mantra...I KNOW I don't get it....I have accepted this...

I agree Enough,

From what I've seen of him, when in public he is 'Mister-all-that with a rolex" and when it comes down to it, he doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself, not even his family. If I messed with someone's wife, I highly doubt that I could even look at her husband.

And yes, she's 21
we have 1 DD, she'll be 3 in May.

Her birthdays are always bad for me because when we celebrated her 1st b-day, turns out WW spent the night with this nutjob.

I can understand your pain as I am the BW now and was the WW (very shortly before his started).

This is an issue within her. It is not a reflection of her feelings for you. How can I explain this? I did not think to myself,"I love my H, but I am going to do this anyway." As are very insidious...before you know it, you need the feelings associated with it. This was a weakness in me. It was not reflective of my lack of love for my H. It was reflective of my lack of self-knowledge, coping mechanisms, etc. It took me being out of the A to understand it. And, it has been a long road.

I worry that by discounting what she is saying to you, you are missing a chance to really understand how she feels about it. I have had my H do the same and it is very frustrating. You are baring your soul, trying to make sense of the unexplainable, and share this with your BS, and then you are shot down and essentially accused of lying.

You may not understand how she could do it (I don't think I could have if I had not had an A too), but truly consider what she is saying. Maybe she felt you did not really listen to her in the past too. Women have a great need for conversation. It is how they feel close. By not hearing her, it would be the same as you being rejected when approaching her for SF. It hurts that bad.

Bottom line...she needs to understand what in her allowed her to do this. Otherwise, she will likely do it again.

I am almost 20 years older than you and I really admire you. I could not deal with what you are going through. Having your DD birthday on that day would kill me.

Again, expose the OM and let him deal with what he has done. In my case I don't know if my wife cheated on me in the past or not. I did catch her this time but I believe there were others. She lied about cheating so I can never know if she did in the past or not.

I would not try and make sense out of what your WW says. It does not make any logical sense. People have their reasons for cheating and when they look back I think it is hard for them to look in the mirror and rationalize it.

For most men the PA is the worst thing that could happen to them. I know it was for me and my wife tried to explain and I listened but it did not make any sense. This same woman told me that if I ever cheated she would divorce me and she ment it. For me I could have forgive any EA but not a physical affair. She did ask me one time if I thought couples should divorce if there were an EA. I thought we were just talking in theory but I think she was trying to figure out what I thought about it. I told her I could forgive a EA but I would not forgive a physical affair.

The weird thing is she told me sex was not important so she withheld it from me but she did give it to the OM?? I really do think it is a weakness inside them. Wanting something with no consequences. My needs were almost never met in my marrige and I never cheated. The not so funny thing was I had women at work hitting on me and even though my needs were not met I never considered cheating. I just assumed that my wife would behave the same way.

How could she say to me the sex was great with the OM and he rocked her world? Instead you get more BS like it was meaningless and looking back to her maybe it is meaningless now but it was not meaningless to her at the time. If the sex was meaningless then she would not have had it in the first place. Obviously to risk a marriage the sex is not meaningless. A person is making a decision but if their spouse does not find out they can have it all.

I think it is a little ironic that I am now giving her the freedom to go out and have meaningless sex she does not want it? Good luck to you I hope everything works out for you.

I agree with all you just said, she has told me too that sex is no big thing to her, why not just kick me below the belt. If sex is no big thing then there would not have been all these men getting access to her.

Sometimes I wonder myself how I have been able to hold up the way I have. I guess the marriage vows actually mean something to me but I do have an awesome counselor who has helped me out a lot. I just wish I had found him before my wife decided to go out and explore.

I have had 3 opportunities with women coming to me wanting a piece of me, 2 a few years ago when I was on a business trip and 1 just a few months ago, my needs still aren't all being met and I didn't go for it, tempting though but I did something that not all too many people do, I thought about my family, my wife, even though she did it to me, I wasn't going to put her through what she put me through.

i've waited too long to respond here....

from what you say, your FWW is much like me. i too had sex with multiple men. stuff believer has said hits home 100%:

and

unfortunately that all fits me so much to a tee. my brother abused me at age 12, i remember that. my sister says our dad molested her at a very young age and she believes that happened to me too. i don't have any memories of that. but it scares me. i really don't want to know at this point..

some stuff you said...

that was a very thought provoking for me. i've been to IC, i now can see how so much of my problems have been due to the hole in me. i believe i finally have a healthier view of sex and of me. but i'm not quite there yet. i still cry sometimes and i still feel very uncomfortable at times. only when on the recieving end. it takes a lot of time to work thru and to heal. i really hope your wife can get into IC. i will pray for her.

and... i really appreciate the commitment you have to her to try to see her through this (at least you sound like you want to see her through this). i have told my husband many times how much his love has helped me, i am very grateful at this point in my life. i am 42.

eldente, i suppose we all are allowed to have our own opinions, but i thought this was very cold-hearted "Maybe you should just run dude." of course, that may just be because of my own perspective....

one more thing....

regarding:
this is not bull... but it is very sad.

my husband is right now wondering... with all that has come out, including the realization of how messed up my view on sex and myself has always been... exactly what did sex with him mean to me these past 20 years?? i don't have great answers for that. because the truth is, i have now realize, even with him, i was just too unhealthy. sex with him certainly meant more to me than the other but.... i don't know what more to say really.

i think he can relate to this:
i hope in time he and you can see it from another perspective. it's not that my husband meant less than nothing to me, I WAS NOT A HEALTHY PARTNER.

i think if he were to be really honest, he had plenty of warning signs, given stuff i shared with him about some of my past, long before he asked me to marry him. could he have helped me sooner in life? i tend to think he now realizes he could of, he choose to just distance himself instead. i know he says he regrets that.

you guys are much younger than us. i think it is wonderful that you two might be able to tackle and conquer all this stuff so much earlier than us. we will have been married for 20yrs in sept.

i hope some of what i have said helps you.

I think you're probably right about my comment being cold-hearted. I've never suggested it to anyone else here before that I recall. Seven different men in one month...now that's cold-hearted as well. Most people don't have seven different partners in one month's time when they are single let alone married. Hey I was sexually abused when I was 10 years old, but I still knew my ONS was wrong and it dang near killed me with guilt and remorse....definitely didn't make me want to have six more just like it.

I've not yet read any other BS here that has had to deal with seven different OM in one month's time. I think anyone here can say for certain that his wife needs help, but at who's expense? Her spouse's? She is obviously not concerned with his health STD-wise or his mental health anguish wise.

So Wwhen does one decide a marriage is not worth saving? I guess one of the spouses involved, not me...a random poster on the internet. So yeah, I was cold-hearted making that statement, and I'm sorry for doing so, beatndown.

eta

Now I'm a man so maybe I have a different perspective as well, but I want to believe I would have made the same cold-hearted statement if a woman had come here and told us her husband(maybe he's SA or abused from childhood let's say) had slept with seven different women in one month. Except I would have said dudette instead of dude <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

well now you have a second data point, me and my husband. i'm not even sure right now what the count was (and i'm not going to try to recall) and my time span was longer than 1 month, but i doubt that is very relavant, 1 month or 6 months, does that really matter??

i am really glad you were able to stop after one ONS!!! for your sake, for your family's sake...

yes, his wife needs help.... it is up to him to decide if he wants to stand by her or not. i am humbled and amazed at how strong my husband has stood by his vows and is standing by me. and i can testify to how much his actions, his commitment has accomplished. (yes, i give myself some credit too, i confessed to him by my own free will)

granted i don't know what is their current state. i might be jumping to conclusions, i have gathered that she has willingly told him the rest of it all, which to me shows a desire to face facts and get real with herself and him. that is an encouraging thing.

i for one would rather encourage him to help her (and their familty) than to cut and run, but then.... that is not very surprising, now is it?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks for your response.

Apology accepted eldente.

I understand though where you're coming from, I have been one step away from out the door and not returning ut our our counselor says that every marriage is worth saving and something (I don't know what) is keeping me there.

One reason though why I thought our marriage was worth saving was our DD, I don't want her to be raised in a broken home and I want to save her as much pain and suffering as I can.

But I have thought to myself a few times though that if she ever did anything like that, I would not tollerate it one bit. I have been through too much crapp already, there are still days where I wonder if I'll be able to hold myself together.

The phraze "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is it true?

no, beat...that phrase is NOT true. There are many FWS's (myself included)on this site that are living proof that it is not. I have not nor will ever cheat again.

I guess I would have to agree with you faith, even though my W thinks that I think all women are the same. I know women who are very nice and know they would never cheat.

I guess it's the same as the saying "All men are pigs", I do know men who are pigs and also men who are far from it.

My W just has some serious issues, last night (first of all I would NEVER, EVER do anything to my daughter even though W think all men are the same) He has molested two of W's cousins and now thinks that I would do the same to DD. I have told her what I think about men who do that to little girls and also told her that if I ever got to that point where I thought about doing something I would distance myself as far as possible from her.

Last year she even reported me to the police and children's aid because she thought I was doing something to Morgan (DD). So before she decides to find actual evidence, she does this and they told her to go to the doctor and have her examined, turns out that Morgan had a yeast infection which was a side-affect of a medication she was on.

As I was saying, last night Morgan had a bath and I wanted her to get dressed in the bathroom and not run around the house naked like she wanted to, I closed the bathroom door to not let her out and she started crying and right away W comes in and got angry at me again. I asked her if she still thought I was doing something to DD and she replied "I have reason to be worried". Later I asked her if she was always so freaked out about it, why was I always the one to give DD a bath. She didn't have an answer.

If I was that insane to do something to DD, I have had many opportunities but I'm not that stupid. I would take my life if I felt I would harm DD in that way.

Beatndown:

I just read what you posted and I want you to step back and really think about your life. You are still young and can still have a bright future.

Just because someone cheats does not mean they will cheat again. I think it does show though that they are capable of cheating again. Some will and some never will.

Now in your case I would say that there is almost a 100% chance your wife will cheat again. I don't have a crystal ball and people will say I can't know for sure but she has a lot of problems. She is very young and sleeping with 7 men in a month, well that speaks for itself.

Now she is accusing you of molesting your daughter? How can she ever respect a man she thinks is molesting her little girl? How can you ever have a happy and normal life when she thinks you are a sick pervert. I am assuming you are not molesting your daughter and have been a loving father. Your wife reminds me a little of my own mother.

She left our family years ago. She was doing what your wife was doing and just deserted us. I have not seen her in over 35 years although I have talked to her a couple of times. She accused my dad of molesting us, yet she left us and to this day she still says he did that. Now I told her "Do you expect me to believe that you left me with a child molester"?

My dad was a great guy that died early because of the stress from her. I found letters between them when they first started out and my Dad was such a happy in love guy. It is sad reading the letters after you know what is in store for him later in life.

I would be very worried about the molesting charges? What are you going to do when she strays and starts an affair with another guy and wants to be with him. The next thing you know you will be out on your butt and you will have abuse charges pending against you.

Please think very carefully about this. I am not trying to talk you out of marriage but think about this. Your wife is not stable.

Thanks Enough,

What you said is on my mind all the time, even though our counselor thinks we can get these issues resolved.

There are days I get major headaches due to me thinking about all this so much. I have decided though(no one knows) that if she cheated again I will leave, or she has to and I will do what's in power to get as much custody of DD as possible because I will not let W have her and have DD being subject to so many men all the time, who knows what they would do to her. I don't want to end up in prison for murder.

If we eventually do separate perminantely, I see myself having a much more stable future relationship than her 'cause I know now what to look for and what to avoid but I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens, there is a possibility that her issues could be resolved.

If she ever tries anything again with molesting charges, I will be more than happy to take a lie detector test to prove my innocense. No problem.

I don't know what to do though about my emotional energy level. The past two years have taken so much out of me, lately I have felt very empty emotionaly and it will take more than a few "I love you's" and more than a bag full of hugs "n" kisses to fill my cup again.

Beantndown:

Good enough, I hope it all works out for you. Just watch yourself with those accusations. You deserve better and hopefully everything will work out the way you desire with your wife.

a DD is a great reason to try to save a marriage.

it sounds like you have your hands full, that's for sure.

regarding your question "The phraze "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is it true? "

no it is not true. but it does require the person to work on their issues. i hope your wife can do that.

i ditto the advice of others, do protect yourself and your DD. as her dad, that is your number 1 job.

also, focus on working on yourself as much as you can. that is always good advice. it will result in your marriage having the best chance to recover.

in the end, your wife has to also do her part. i hope she comes thru for all your sakes.