My H just left tonight at 9:30. I didn't see it coming. I thought we were working on things. What do I do? I don't want this again. I didn't see it coming.

Loni

Loni-

Tell us more.....what led up to this????

I don't know your sitch, can you link it here???

I probably won't be on until tommorrow evening....but I'd like to know/help.

God Bless,

-Caren

Take deep breaths, and just keep breathing. Try to calm down.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't know your situation, but I do know the pain you are feeling.

It'll be ok, Loni.

I'll say a prayer...

Are you ok, Loni? Let us know...

I haven't read your sitch either, but I know the feeling as you see your H walk out the door. I know it is overwhelming. I know it is scary and painful and every other emotion all at once.

But I am praying for you tonight. I pray that you will find rest tonight and handle this with a calm spirit.

Hopefully, this is just another bump in the road to recovery. Those bumps hurt like hockey sticks, I know.
Hang in there Loni.

And along with Intexas's prayer, I'd like to add the peace of His love and grace over you and your situation. Amen...

((((( Loni ))))),

Talk to me!

Let me know what's going on.

Hang in there!

Stay Strong!

I'm doing a little better this morning. The prayers must have helped. I didn't sleep but I was able to calm down and really do some thinking. I think it might be time to go dark. I still have a lot of thinking to do but I am not going to chase after him (like I wanted to) and I am not going to ask him to come home (like I really wanted to).

Here are some links for those who have asked...

<a href="link" target="_blank">Withdrawal still?</a>
<a href="link" target="_blank">How long till the fog lifts?</a>
<a href="link" target="_blank">Time to get to work...or get to leaving</a>

Loni

Loni-

I prayed for you also. I hope that you are doing a little better today.

I couldn't access the links that you posted....it kept saying "Page Not Found"

Could you give a brief overview???

How long have/had you been in Plan A???

What sorts of Plan A things did you do???

You have to do an AMAZING Plan A......even though it is sometimes painful, BEFORE you go to Plan B. You want the very last thing that he remembers about you before you go dark to be wonderful.

God Bless,

-Caren

Loni, I'm so sorry to hear your WH left. Is he still in contact with OW?

You must let him go. Don't chase him or try to convince him to stay since that will only push him further away.

You've done a long Plan A and this may be the time for Plan B. Do you have any energy left to continue a strong Plan A?

Loni,

How's the Love Bank account?

Do you feel up for Plan A while he's out of the house?

Do you know where he's staying now?

Are your IL's in the area? Will they be helpful to you?

Let us know how you want to handle this. You know we'll be there for you.

Stay Strong!

I don't know what I want to do right now. I am still kind of realing from the shock of his announcement. I know that he went to his parent's house last night but it was really late. At least hours after he left the house. His usual MO is to drive around and think.

I have no idea if he is still in contact with the OW. I wish I did know. It doesn't seem like it from her activity.

This is what happened... He was quiet when he got home from work yesterday. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he had a headache. He took some motrin and went about his usual stuff. He didn't seem too abnormal to me and I have become like a radar for the "I need to leave" signs. He went to go pick up our DD15 from driver's ed at 9pm and when he returned, he came downstairs and told me that he wanted to go to his mom's for tonight.

I was shocked and pissed. I asked him "Why now?". He followed me upstairs to our room and said that he was upset over some things. I asked him "Shouldn't we talk about it rather than you running away?" His reply is that he's not running away. My mental reply was "Bull@#$%" but instead I said "What things?" He is angry about finding the camera that I had bought in October to see if he was still seeing the OW. He said the only reason I never used it on him is because he didn't give me the opportunity. He said that he couldn't deal with the fact that I don't trust him and that he doesn't trust me. Then he said that all anyone seems to care about is "poor Loni" and no one knows what he is going through. He told me that I will never get over the A. My response was that I was doing pretty well considering. I told him that he can't get over me spying on him in the past but I am doing everything I can to get past all the hurt from the A. I asked him if he felt like I was beating him up about the A. I asked him how I was being with him even though I still get pictures in my head about the two of them.

I told him that if he left to take all of his things. He said he couldn't tonight. When he left I told him that I hate him. But I don't. He heard me and said "thanks" That was the last thing I said to him. I didn't mean to say it. I was so hurt and angry. I hate what he is doing. I hate that I want him home even though he isn't a good husband right now.

This morning, my DD told me that her dad is supposed to pick her up from practice at 6pm and then just hang out with her. I don't want her to because I believe that my H is just going to use the time to put his own spin on leaving. She was angry with me last night and even more so this morning. Her dad talked with her on the way home from Driver's ed, so she knew he was leaving before I did.

Not exactly the best way to go to Plan B. Telling him that I hate him.

I thought we were working on it. I thought we were taking small steps in the right direction.

Those who don't know the story try this link.
<a href="link" target="_blank">Time to get to work...or get to leaving</a>

Oops the link didn't work. It's on the general questions board.

wanted to comment on that statement. From what I have learned on MB these past six months, you have every right to "spy" as he put it. This is your marriage--your life and well-being is at stake--and you sure the heck have the right to know if your H is having an A. That comment to me shows his guilt.

Please don'y apologize to him for spying. Of course he doesn't want you to spy--then his bad behavior can no longer be his secret.

I know this is hard. After the EA my WH had, I actually apologized for snooping in the e-mail account. Amen to the fact that I didn't this time around.

Stay tough, and don't beat yourself up too much about the outburst--you're human, you're hurting.

Loni,

Those comments could have easily come out my WW's mouth, espcially the "Poor Loni" comment and "spying" issues.

Don't let that stuff get to you and I agree that you don't want to go to Plan B on this note. Give Plan A some more time so your WH remembers a better side of you as opposed to the "I hate you" comment.

It is SO hard not to LB in these situations so don't beat yourself up over it. Now that he is out of the house you may get a chance to restore some of your energy level and finish with a strong Plan A.

I'm pulling for you Loni!

Loni,


Don't beat yourself up over a perfectly normal reaction to the bomb that he dropped on you last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He knows how to "push your buttons" and he was in rare form last night. He was trying to get that reaction from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He was depending upon it to help him justifying his leaving. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



We all know that you love him. You just hate what he's doing to you. FWS knows that too, But it'll be a cold day in you know where before he admits it.



BULLSEYE!!! H is working on her. DD is angry because she is very confused. He's putting pressure on her to "choose". I don't blame her for being angry. DD's lashing out at you but I'll bet she's much more angry at her father.



How much support have you been getting from you MIL & FIL throughout this? Can you count of them to help or will they be a hinderence?



Honestly, I doubt it at this point. Your kids are good friends with OW's kids. You'll find out through the "grape vine" if something is up between them.

A more important question to me is does SIL have a hand in this behind the scene? SIL is a good friend of OW correct? FWS did set up an account at her bank didn't he? A lot of coincidence huh?



FOG BABBLE!!! Give it all the consideration it is due. NONE! This latest stunt just proves that he isn't very trustworthy right now.



Pure Unadulterated Self Pitying FOG BABBLE. A direct quote from the WS handbook. All of these problems are the direct result of HIS choices. He's just to fogged to see that right now.



Once we distill all the BS down we get to this one little statement / fear that FWS has. He's still afraid to fully commit back to you because he can't get over HIS fear that you will not let him live this down.




You're right. That's why I asked about your love bank. We need go dark on a good note. It's a lot to ask right now but we need to do some plan A. I think you're still up for it. You're stronger than you know.



You were. Still are. I think his fear of recommitting got the better of him and he bolted. Did you notice that he had to bring up things you had already discussed / worked through in order to justify his leaving to himself?


Hang Tight Loni.

We're all pulling for you!

Stay Strong.

I am such an idiot. I talked with him today and all I could do was cry. Of course, he can't deal with that. I know that and I couldn't help myself anyway. My DD came home from practice tonight and was still upset with me. My H bought her a cell phone tonight and gave it to her. I found out a few hours earlier when he called me. I was upset because I thought that was something we were supposed to do together and that we would establish rules and times for the phone to be used. He told DD that I wasn't happy about the phone so if I didn't want her to use it, then don't. He also told her that I had hurt him by saying that he hates me.

I went to his parents house to discuss this and he said that he had told DD to make up with me and not to fight with me. I told him that she is angrier than ever and telling her all of this didn't help. All he could say is that he didn't mean to put her in the middle. I told him that she is in the middle and it's not a good thing. I also told him that he has put me in limbo again. This really angered him and he got out of the car and yelled at me to not come over there anymore. OMG When I peeled away, I just wanted to crash my brand new car into the trees at the end of the street. Instead, I came home and talked with a good friend on the phone. H called DD again and told her to make up with me. Whatever....

I talked with DD and told her that the cell phone isn't the issue and neither was spending time with her dad. The issue is that we are both her parents and that her dad and I never discussed her going over to his parents after practice and that we never discussed the phone. That it was the lack of discussion that I was upset with. She seemed better and hugged and kissed me goodnight. I only talked with H for a few minutes after he talked with DD. He said he needs a few days, when I told him that I can't live not knowing what's going on in my life. That if he wants a divorce then he should just go get it but if he needs a few days to think then set a timeline for me so I am not in limbo for weeks on end.

One last thing, maybe the most important, he said that he doesn't feel for me like he used to. He won't say that he doesn't love me only that he doesn't feel like he should for me. My dad is still pressing me to file legal seperation papers. I don't want to. I feel that if he wants it my H can go get it. I want my stand to be that I am 100% for our marriage and I won't discuss legal stuff with him.

My ILs are almost as foggy as my H. They just want him to be happy. They also avoid conflicts like the plague. They would much rather talk about you behind your back then be straight with you. I love them but I don't expect anything good for my marriage from them.

I agree that the A is most likely not restarted. I think my H is just dealing with the leftovers from it.

I set up an appointment with Jennifer for Sunday night. I didn't get a chance to discuss it with my H yet. I am hoping that he will come and listen. Or better yet, talk with her.

Can I get some of you to say a prayer on my behalf? Maybe, with enough prayer and luck, he will.

Gotta go,
Loni

Loni, my prayers are with you tonight. Hang in there ok!

You've been dealt a tough hand but you can get through this.

keep us posted.

HTW

I made it through the night. I slept pretty well until about 3:30. Then just capnapped my way till 6:00. I feel like a fool for letting him hurt me again. But, I am so afraid to close the door on my M. I have been with him since I was 17 years old. I married him when I was 20. I don't know how to be without him in my life. It hurts so much to love him and know that he doesn't feel the same toward me. I depended on that love for so long.

I won't call him or attempt to see him today. He wants time to think, then he can have it. Besides, my tears and words of love haven't worked on his heart. They have just pulled his anger out.

I am going to work in a bit. I don't want to tell anyone that he has left again. I hope they just think that I am still not feeling well. After work, I will take care of my house and try to not focus on what's going on. One day at a time, or one minute at a time, whatever will get me through.

Thanks for the prayers. I need them.
Loni

Loni, he sounds like someone who is either in an affair or is contemplating resuming one. And seeing that yall are still in contact wtih the OW, I can see why. He is in a state of perpetual withdrawal and the marriage can never recover. You do realize there is nothing wrong with snooping, right? He is acting as you have done something WRONG by snooping and I hope you aren't adopting inappropriate guilt which gives credence to his manipulation.

Did yall ever consider moving?

How much exposure have you done?

Does your DD know about the affair?

How long have you been in Plan A?