Drexxell,

I started reading your other threads a little and I just stopped. Your WW had 17 affairs - am I correct? Your WW has a son/daughter from an affair? There was so much to read - so I stopped -spare ribs had to be turned. You also mentioned she said she didn't love you???? Just give us a quick bio. Do you know if she stopped seeing the OM? Was this a revenge affair? If she or you had 17 affairs, I'm sorry but that's beyond me - I can't imagine anyone having that many affairs - why be married? Who is the glutten for punishment in the marriage? Just give me some details - maybe I can give you some insight.

I have to turn my own ribs in about 10 mins, but I"ll get in what I can.

Yup, I had a 20 minute stand with a co-worker. Horrid horrid experience. My admission came almost as soon as I stepped in the door. She admitted her 1st A about an hour later. We decided on amnesty instead of help. Few months later, she admitted to a second A after I questioned her because I had a feeling something wasn't right after a camping trip with co-workers.

About a month ago after the phone call, she admitted to another 17. Mostly once or twice kinda deals. Almost all involving alcohol. Couple days after that, found out DS6 isn't mine. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as a bad week. Almost immediately after she told me how many As, I was thinking sex addiction or something along those lines. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. We don't know yet.

For the last little over a year, I've been a SAHF because she's been on various TDYs and a deployment to the middle east, where the last 2 As happened. She had carried on EA with #19 since she had been home from the deployment, which was Jan 23.

I made it very clear to her that if there was contact with any of them EVER again there would be serious consequences. To my knowledge, there has been NC.

Now, why stay married? If you discovered your spouse had a substance abuse problem would you just walk away? That's kind of my take on my sitch. MC kinda thinks so too, but we haven't gone into detail about that yet.

She did say she "Loved me but wasn't in love".

Dunno if any were revenge As or not. I know that when she admitted to the 2nd one after the camping trip, there had already been at least one more. Speaking of the camping trip, she didn't even know that guys last name. And she was hammered. To this day, the smell of Hot Damn makes her violently ill.

I had a full STD panel. So far, I'm clean. Gotta go back in 6 mos for HIV and then 6 mos after that.

Glutten for punishment? If someone can prove to me that this wasn't an addiction and that it was maliscious and it'll happen again, I'll reconsider my stance.

Also, I have DS14 (from her 1st marriage) who has decided he wants me to adopt him. All these little twists. Leme know if there's more questions.

Hello ladies and gentleman

Boy I missed a lot today! I didnt have time to read everything will have to go back but CSJ I am so happy for you that you are taking steps to get your "groove" back. Thats wonderfula nd I really think it will help in you r recovery. You will feel closer to him and good about yourself once you get over the first hump...uhhh...hurdle..hehe.

Welcome Drexxel I am so sorry about your situation but really respect your decsion to love your son no matter waht. I cant imagine what that feels like as a mom of 4 I feel for you but you are really being a real DAD by sticking by him.

I am so confused by your situation. Does your MC think she has a sexual addiction? If so and I hope I dont offend you here WHY isnt she interested in sex within her marriage? Is it your relationship or is she addicted to something else? Strange men? The thrill of the unknown? being naughty or bad? Does she just have horribly low self esteem that she doesnt feel worthy of being in love?

I dont know much about SA but I have heard it is as real as drug or alcohol addiction. BY the way are you British? Sounds like an accent in there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Anyway welcome we will all try to help with whatever we can!

Trust---isnt it funny how we project our thoughts and feelings to others? My H too would ask what do you do when I travel? I never thought to ask "WHAT DO YOU DO???". Dumb What did he think I was doing going out to dinner with strange men and getting 4 kids menus too? Ridiculous. Its just funny that how before the A he never asked me ?s like that then he did that and he was cautious about me.

Selfishness-Dont you think that having an A is the most selfish thing you could ever do. Especially if you still love your spouse. Drexxel your company excluded being theres a whole lot else going on there I think. My H has always been selfish and it ended up being so self destructive. So sad that his mother devoted her life to him and in doing so taught him to be selfish and self serving.

I hope I am smarter than that. Raising kids is getting harder and harder as they get older. I had the sex talk with my oldest son last night H was there too. He was gigling so funny then he said "so do you do that at the hospital?" cracked me up I am so mature. Anyway at the end I said just remember you only do that when you are married and in love and I could help throw a LB glare out to H...well Im not perfect!

Have a great night!
HF

HF,

Well, there was a great deal of SF in our relationship up until D-Day. Nothing since. Her choice. We were usually at it 5-7 times a week since she had been back. I'm sure her self esteem is shot to heck right now, though. She told me she can't even look at me without feeling guilt.

Nope, not British. Southern. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Drexxell,

I'm sorry but I never even met someone that cheated so many times. I feel bad for you - everyone is entitled to make a mistake once - maybe even twice, but beyond that - NO! Sexual addiction - is that an excuse to have sex with everyone and anyone you meet. I'm sorry again, I just can't see that. I realize that you love your spouse - but I just couldn't handle that. I think it's a little different when the spouse is an alcoholic. But jumping in and out of the sack with someone else - risks not only her life, but yours too. What is she thinking of? How can you love someone and do that to them – no regard for them or their feelings/well being.

You need to be commended that you accept her child from another man. Not many men could do this.

You must have more patience and understanding than I do. My husband has always been domineering, bossy and Mr. Macho, but I definitely wouldn't stay with him if he did it to me 17 times. My first 1st husband (this is my second marriage) was abusive - yes it took me a long time to leave him, but I finally got up enough nerve to do it. I can only take so much.

All of us girls, I think, have had our husbands cheat on us only one time....and we were all devastated. I can’t imagine more than once. Is your wife willing to commit to you only? Why is she doing this to you? Are you neglecting her at home? There has definitely got to be something wrong here! It’s very difficult if you are the only one working on the marriage. You have to understand, sometimes in the beginning only one person is working on the marriage.

MC is great, but if your wife only goes…..but doesn’t listen or do what is asked….it’s a waste of time.

So far as being intimate with your wife….can you talk to your wife…are you able to communicate? Can she express how she feels? Communication is the best thing in a marriage. Does she feel guilty about what she did, thus her not wanting SF?

I’ve been around a bit more than these lovely ladies on this thread, but I have never met someone who’s been around the block so many times. Does your wife want to save your marriage? My husband didn’t even like the fact that I was with other guys before he met me, over 20 yrs. ago. – can you live with the fact that your wife was with other guys during your marriage?

I am not a therapist and I don’t understand why your wife did this. The only thing I can do is help you when you need to vent. We are all in the same situation, one way or another….if I can help…I will.

We also would like to know why did you initially cheat on your wife? This would maybe help us understand from a guy’s point of view – why the cheat.

Take care…..good luck.

Hmmm I am usually good with online accents too...kidding.

Well I am sure she is feeling very low. My H really suffered from his A emotionally. He felt dirty and cheap. He felt very unworthy of me and our family. I am sure your W feels the same way.

What do you mean by "since she had been back" was she gone?

I guess the best thing you can do is ask her what she needs from you to get to a place where you can both be happy. As hard as it is for me I have to look past my own pain sometimes to realize he is so hurt by this too. DrPhil says he would rather be happy than right and I try to incorporate that into my life with H when I feel like LBing him to death.

As far as SF is concerned H and I were back at it right away...my choice but that is because I finally felt like the missing piece to the puzzle of his unhappiness (guilt)was there and I truly felt even though he had done the unimaginable and the worst thing he could have to me I felt really important to him and loved.

For women at least me romance and foreplay is all day. A phone call from work, an e card a stupid little teddy bear or rose from the grocery store. Thats what makes us feel special and wanted and really turns us on.

I hope that helps. I will be rooting for you! Good Luck.
HF

1. Dunno. She hasn't decided.
2. Dunno. She doesn't know either.
3. Dunno. I showed her HNHN and asked her to point out which ENs I was not doing well with. According to her, there aren't any.

Communication is the best thing we've got. We can talk till we're blue in the face. Only 3 real fights since D-Day.

As to why she doesn't want SF, I dunno for sure. Could have to do with guilt. She says it has to do with her not being in love with me, which certainly explains the SF 3 hours before discovery, right? And the 5-7 times a week before that? Oy vey.

According to conversation from last night with WW, finally she says she didn't feel "desired" or "cherished". I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I was dumbfounded. According to her, in the moment of the As, she felt "desired" or "cherished", which I find rather difficult to swallow if she was hammered. She followed that up with she felt guilty moments after.

I dunno if she wants to save the marriage or not. She's going to MC with me. She hasn't moved out. She said last night that her feelings haven't changed, but she has noticed the changes I've made since D-Day (that's plan A for ya). Then we have other conversations where we're talking about the future, both of us going back to school, her for her masters, me for my BA. For me, it's impossible to know.

I believe I could live with it. I don't believe she was intentionally out to hurt me. I think there's a sickness there that she needs to deal with and overcome. I believe it's my job to support my wife in her time of need.

Why did I cheat? Not really sure. Probably because she wasn't meeting my ENs in one way or another.

CSJ:

I just remembered the name of the movie Patrick Dempsey was in was "Lover Boy". It'really a funny movie...in the 80's...a young Patrick Dempsey is a pizza delivery guy that services rich women...just by chance.....very funny movie... you should rent it.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Hi everyone
No time to write but I just wanted to mention that Patrick Dempsey was in Cosmo or something and they asked him if he ever cheated and he said yes on his 1st wife and then he said cheating is all about the thrill but then the guilt sets in its much better to just flirt and know someone wants you because once you act on it your life falls apart. I read this to H and he said that it was so true for him. He felt terrible for acting on this and got caught up in it and couldnt/didnt stop.

I will be back later. Have a great day!
HF

Hi everyone.

Drexxel, welcome. I missed alot since yesterday but the ladies here gave you some good comments. I don't know what else I can add, except you say that your W said she didn't want to have SF with you because she wasn't in love, or she didn't feel cherished? Was she in love with the other men? Did she feel cherished by them? I don't think so. I think that alcohol played a role in that of course. But I really don't understand why NOW she is not into SF with you, when previously you were doing it 5-7 x / week...that I don't get. Maybe it is guilt now that you know about her As.

I'm sorry for your situation,and commend you for sticking around to work it out. There are not many men out there who would...

I agree with HF that foreplay is not just right before SF, it is all day..it is listening to me, a phone call, helping with the kids, doing something without being asked, etc. It is NOT just getting into bed and reaching for me after not talking to me all day, and just expecting me to respond.

Good luck to you and your W. Feel free to stick around here, we'll try to give you the woman's point of view.



HF, Thanks for the comment about Patrick Dempsey. I think my H would agree. It was all about him feeling wanted, like he still had it...

I may or may not be back later today, but if not, I won't be back again until Monday. I hope you all have a good weekend and I will catch up with you Monday if not before.

Thanks for the welcome. The last couple of nights has been not so good for me. WW gotta work late, not home when she says she will be, definate dishonesty about that. Last night she was out "driving and having a good cry". The night before it was "taking a long walk." I don't have definitive proof that she did otherwise.

I did call the hotel on the base where she's assigned this morning at 6am and asked if OM had checked out yet. Desk clerk said he had. OM lives roughly 15 hours driving time from here. So, if he was indeed in town, he probably flew.

Can't call OMW and confirm if he was home because I can't find their info. Unlisted everything. I was going to confront her with it at MC tonight, but without more evidence than a desk clerk at a hotel saying something like that and not knowing the hotel proceedure for looking up guests, it may be better not to.

I told WW last night that I thought she was up to no good the last two nights. Also told her I thought it was disrespectful to me and I thought she had neglected her kids the last 2 days. Getting home after bed times start isn't good when WW leaves the house before 6.

Strangely, I don't feel anything today. No anger, no saddness, no happiness. I just exist. Somewhere, my brain probably figured out a way to detach me from what's going on and just hasn't gotten around to telling me yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You all have a great day in case I don't get back on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drexxel
So sorry to hear about your week. It certainly sounds fishy. I was asuming she was just with one night stands but there is an actual OM right? Does his W know anything that you know of?

Does your wife have IC? What was her reation to you confronting her?

Mama
Have a good day off. Good Luck if you are going where I think you are going. My prayers will be with you!

Hope everyone is doing well today...quiet here...hopefully everyone is enjoying good weather like I am here! Went to the park..so fun..summer is coming!
HF

HF,

Most of them were. Most involved alcohol. Not the last one. This last guy wasn't a ONS. They met 12-16-05 while they were deployed. Started PA 1-17-06 and continued EA until 3-29-06. I thought there had been NC because the consequences I laid out were absolutely nasty.

I don't know if OMW knows anything. I haven't been able to get in touch with her. I do know they don't have kids so her reaction could be pretty bad. I called in a couple of "legal favors" today to get some info, but it hasn't panned out. I tried to call OMW with the # I got today, but it's not a working #. Was simply going to ask if he had gotten back from his trip yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That would at least let me know if he was out of town.

Our MC session is tonight, so I haven't confronted WW yet about this. I'm not really sure I want to because I don't know how reliable the info is, ya know? Thanks for checking on em though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good afternoon everyone, and welcome Drexxell! I hope all us girls here can help out a bit. I know that the support I get at MB has been something that has really sustained me through some difficult times.

First of all, it sounds like your WW is in the military, and that is creating some difficulties in getting information about the OM. You might try putting up a post to Morterman--I don't think he is currently in the military, but he definately was and is very knowledgable about things you can do that may help you while you are trying to get NC established.

And the string of affairs . . . . I am no expert, but it seems to me that women (and probably men, too) who are promiscuous in that way are really reaching out desperately for something to make them feel good about themselves. Of course, it is a terrible cycle because the more men they sleep with, the more worthless they feel. I don't think anyone with a healthy self image would ever behave in that way. The question is, what is at the root of her insecurities. Is she already in IC? Maybe you already answered that question . . . .

Anyway, I respect very much your willingness to stick it out. I really don't know that I could, but then I never thought that I would stay with someone who cheated on me, period. Being a parent makes you do crazy things, I guess!

But I do think the first thing to focus on isn't necessarily getting the intimacy back with her--although that is obviously important. I think first you need to make sure her A is truly over. You're not really going to be able to rebuild the relationship until she comes out of that awful "foggy" place that cheating spouses go. Her remark about loving you but not being in love is vintage--I have read sooooo many BS say that their cheating spouses told them that very thing. It is a classic lie to justify an ongoing A. So that would be my suggestion--continue on with Plan A, and try to end the A with cunning and exposure.

Mama--I hope that your day tomorrow goes well for you and you H. My fingers (and toes) are crossed, and we are all thinking of you.

And I hope your ribs turned out well, F&L, they sounded delicious! I am gathering that you are a very good cook, and if you weren't so far away and would invite myself over for dinner sometime.

HF--I think I did see "Loverboy"--and there was another one he was in back then too, about being a geeky high school kid transformed into a hunk (kind-of a "My Fair Lady" concept). I think it was "Can't Buy Me Love." Did you ever see that one? He was cute then, but I think he is so much more attractive now. Why does it work that way for men?

Anyhow--I will check back!

-C.

Drexxell,

Good luck in MC...You are right to be suspicious, given her actions the last couple of days...You don't necessarily have to confront her since you don't have concrete info about the OM/hotel, but you could bring it up in MC and see what her response is. She should be able to tell you where she was...she left before 6 am and didn't come home until late...she has to be accountable for her actions. And be transparent..She is being selfish, just like all the Hs we have talked about on this thread. I don't understand the sense of entitlement that goes along w/ being a WS!!

Hopingfor,
Thanks for the support. It has been quiet today...and very nice outside. I didn't go out at all...Trying to finish stuff up since I won't be here tomorrow.

Have a good weekend everyone!

CSJ,

Dunno what's at the root of her insecurities. Could have been her first marriage really messed her up. Basically with that one, she got preggers in High School, graduated 4 months pregnant, got married and joined the military after DS14 came along. (BTW, I will be adopting that boy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

She hasn't started IC yet, but was supposed to see the doc this morning to get it set up. As far as getting info on OM/OMW is concerned, I've got the wheels turning. I know lots of things, just not addy or # or OMW e-mail.

Parents act crazy because kids make em that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> In all seriousness, though, I don't know that not having kids would have affected my decision in this matter. The "string" of affairs, makes me believe there's an illness of some sort involved. I think sexual addiction is very real and can be as damaging as drug addiction or alcoholism. People in these catagories don't make sound decisions. For my WW, there may be some alcoholism involved too. She doesn't drink every day, but sometimes she drinks to excess and these things happen.

Which makes me wonder even more, if, during some of these events, she was as blitzed as she claims to have been, to the point that she's aware of her surroundings and can understanding what she's doing, but not really do anything to prevent it, the quality of guys that are doing this is virtually non existant. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my own sex. But I digress.

And again, other than the phone call that I made this morning, I have no evidence that there has been contact. I'm paranoid and I have every right to be! LOL Anywho, I'll go for now. Gotta check homework!

Hi Ladies and Guy,

I can't stay on too long, got to cook dinner - I'm making an ethnic dinner tonight. And yes, I am a good cook - my husband says I feed him too much and made him gain weight over the years - yes, I held a gun to his head and said eat!!!! But, my guy loves to eat!

Drexxell...I'll talk a bit more tomorrow. Be patient.

Got to go, everyone be good – MF, have a good weekend, Hoping For – you must forgive and CSJ just keep on giving us your good advice. CSJ send an e-mail via MF – and she’ll send to me. I’ll send you some pics of me and the family.

Talk to you guys tomorrow when I have more time. Good thing I can type fast - I can type about 80 words a minute - I used to be an exec. secretary.

Drexxel
Did you ask WW for his info? I guess she must be unwilling to give it to you. Which only leads to why is she unwilling? Which makes me think she is protecting him when she should be protecting you and your marriage.

Hmmm...I hope I am wrong but she does not sound like she is anywhere near being out of the fog.

Have a good night. Hopefully MC will bring positive things!
HF

HF, Yes, I think she is still fog bound and possibly in withdrawal. If I had taken into consideration all the evidence I had, I probably wouldn't have come to the conclusion I did yesterday. The additional evidence I had that I didn't consider was yesterday was her 2nd day on her period. I went out and checked the mileage on her car and it pretty much checked out with what she said about taking a drive. As for the desk clerk? Who knows...

MC was good. At one point WW said she felt like she was being smothered at home. The MC got onto her for not telling ME something before getting into MC about feeling like that. "He can't change what you don't like if you don't tell him." Ha! The MC asked her if she wanted to take a break from MC and not come for a while because she felt "smothered". WW didn't even think. She quickly replied, "No.". Ha! again!

So then, we're going over our homework that we had from the previous week. One of WWs responses said she didn't feel passion for the R or for me anymore. The MC asks, "Do you have passion for anything? Any hobbies or anything at all?" WW says, "No." MC says, "Do you feel like you're friends? Good friends?" WW says "Yes. It feels like we're friends living in the same house."
MC says, "If your 'friend' were to go out and start spending a lot of time with the lady that lives down the street, would you be ok with your 'friend' spending that time with her or would you want your 'friend' to get back in the house?"

WW just kind of hung her head and didn't answer. MC was like, "I think there's more than just friendship there." MC went on to talk about how depression destroys passion for everything and until WW started making herself feel better, she wan't going to be passionate about anything.

WW and I kinda fussed at dinner afterward. Basically, I told her how I felt about something, she didn't like what she heard because it implied that she was untrustworthy, didn't validate my feelings, got defensive and hurled a slew of personal attacks. IT was all better before we went to bed 20 minutes later.

Somewhere in there she told me "Go to ******!" I asked her if one of her kids told her that, how would she respond. She said that wouldn't fly with her. I asked her if she would say that to her kids or one of her coworkers. Of course not. I told her if she wanted to be disrespectful she could do it to someone else because I wasn't going to be her doormat. Boy was she trying to push my buttons. LOL

Eventually, though, she just completely broke down and was crying and saying it wasn't all her fault. She says, "It might be 90-10, but it's not ALL my fault." I didn't say a thing. Just held her for a few minutes. Then I said I knew it wasn't all her fault and wasn't putting all of the blame on her. I told her I took responsibility for my part in what was happening and that I was making an effort to change my part.

I think she may have had a couple minutes of clarity there. I dunno. I haven't asked WW for OMW info. From what I know, OM was still deployed when NC went into effect and WW didn't have his home info. I'll know for sure about this month when the cell phone bill comes out in a couple of days. I know OM was supposed to come back from overseas mid April time frame. Anyways, there's my drama. LOL

Hi everyone,

Hope all is ok with you girls.

Drexxell....Many woman are affected differently from tragedies/experiences from their early adult life, plus their home life when growing up. Sometimes when young girls either live in a bad home or never got affection/attention from their dads they tend to seek that affection in men in their adult years. But, sometimes they use these things as a crutch for their actions later in life.

I had many tragedies when I was growing up.....but perhaps, I am stronger, than most and I survived. I had many obstacles myself….but I was persistent, determined to make our marriage work. Sometimes, one person has to do all the work in the beginning.

Your wife has deep rooted problems which need to be found out.....until they are and dealt with....nothing will be accomplished. A lot of people when they are having their A's don't even realize they are doing something wrong....even when they are found out....they refuse to accept the fact that they alone chose to do what they did. Many try to blame the innocent spouse....thus taking the blame/shame/guilt away from them. At this point, your wife is probably thinking you're complaining, nagging, bothering her with your questions, etc. This will go on for many months....like it did in my case.

The important thing to rebuilding any marriage is honesty...which doesn't sound to me - that your wife is with you. Communication is another one....but by communicating - it means you should both understand each other....just talking doesn't mean your communicating.....you have to listen and try to do what the other person wants....both of you.

Your MC was right.....she probably wouldn't do something like this to one of her friends.....yet; she is doing it to you....the person that cares about her the most....the person that is standing by her side. Would any one of these men, even think of doing that - I doubt very much. Your wife still hasn't realized who really cares for her well being.

You should definitely find out more info about the OM and his wife also. I'm sure the OMW would like to know what's going on. Believe me, if you want to do some detective work....the computer is your best tool. Talk to her friends, people she knows - you'll find things out. Get your evidence and then confront her with it.....as everyone says, affairs in secret remain affairs....once they are exposed, they turn sour.

Well, I got to go.