Good afternoon all!

I hope everyone else had an enjoyable weekend. The weather held, so we had another stretch of good outside days. My H had an obligation at the local High School Friday night, so we made a girl party out of it. We made "Jell-O Dirt Cups" (the dirt is made with chocolate pudding and crushed Oreo cookies, and then gummi worms are crawling out the top) and watched "Barbie and Swan Lake." It was great fun--they stuck the worms in the pudding and said "Ewwwwwww- gross!" And then gobbled them down. A perfect night.

My H I think got a little exasperated with me on Sunday, though. He was on his way out the door in the afternoon and said he would be "back soon." When I asked what time to expect him, he said "not long" with this tone of voice where I could seriously hear his eyes rolling. He just wants me to trust him, 100%, no questions asked, just like I used to. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

And then I've been working on getting him a nice graduation present--as per MF's suggestion, something for his new truck. I knew he wanted a truck box and I asked his friend about it, to get an idea about which kind. But then when I went pricing it the cheapest one I could find was $650! So I figured I better talk to him about it before spending anything--that would be just my luck to fork out that much money and have it not be the one he wanted. He said he found one at Lowe's for $250 (whew--much better), so I told him I would get him a gift certificate and then he could go pick the exact one. "No--I don't want you to get me anything." Now I believe this is just the guilt--he doesn't want to accept anything from me right now. But that only makes me feel worse, because it just reminds me of the way he acted during his A, when NOTHING I did was good enough. So after stewing all evening, I finally confronted him and told him that I was interpreting his reaction as a personal rejection, and I really can't handle that from him. So he agreed to accept a present.

Why is everything like pulling teeth now?

Anyway, I better get back to work. I'll check back later!

-C.

Oh--HF, you asked about whether my H's A was over by the time I found out. Yes, it was. It was good in a way--because I don't think I could have tolerated trying to "win him back." But it was awful too, because it had been over for almost 2 months, and from my perspective, I had my H back! He had been so detached and strange for all that time, and now he was acting like himself again--I was so relieved that things were slipping back to normal. Then--BOOM! DDay hits just like Hiroshima.

F&L-

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. I am still scratching my head over his rather extreme reaction. I have to admit, I've not told my H about posting here, although I have printed out a few posts that I want him to read, eventually. I don't think he'd be mad, but I can picture him surfing around trying to find out what I am saying, and I like having this as my private place. But this privacy thing is quite a trigger for your H. It's almost like he's blaming your marital strife not on his affair, but on the fact that you DISCOVERED it. Interesting projection of blame.

But that was one thing from SAA that really stuck out to me--no married couple SHOULD have that level of privacy. My H and I had always allowed each other some pretty big boundaries. If a letter came for him, I didn't open it. If he was going somewhere, I didn't question him about why or when. And this really allowed him all the "privacy" he needed to cheat on me for a year. Big mistake on my part. Having a more open marriage is a challenge for us, and there are parts that are a bitter pill for him to swallow. But I learned the hard way that the level of privacy your H wants does you no favors.

I wish your H could grasp that concept.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better today. All that stone in your yard can wait for another day. You take it easy for a bit.

-C.

CSJ
Oh wouldnt that be great to trust again. If I could only trust my obviously wrong in the past instincts! I told H that today he was busy at work and all I could think is whats going on with him? Why is he distracted? Ugh...such a long road.

My girls LOVE Barbie. We just saw Barbie Live in Fairytopia a couple weeks ago so much fun! I am so grateful for those little peanuts...makes me see what is important.

I am so lucky in so many ways. My H really wants to be with me (even if he is frustrated with my sloooow recovery) and I have such great kids. I think that I have always had things a little easy and thats maybe why I am so devastated. I never thought I would have to go thru something like this. I had such high expectations of my marriage. Everything was perfect. It wasnt but I wanted to think that. The funny thing is is that its closer to perfect NOW than before dday. I just have to get past this hurt so I can enjoy it.

F&L
I hope your H takes to heart what we have all expressed to him. We obviously all feel similar things and all hold a mutual respect for what each of us has been and is going thru. I hope he realizes that the 4 of us are here to help each other not hurt each other. Hope your day continues to get better.

Have a great night everyone
HF

Hi Everyone,

My girls still have all their Barbies-some don't have their clothes on and some have their have all messed up, but they refuse to give them away. One of our friends made the "Mud Cake" some yrs. back - very similar - a flower pot filled with whipped cream and crushed oreos on top and a flower in the middle of it all - very rich tasting! We went to see the Wizard of Oz on ice several years back - that was great.

My husband is working late tonight - so I'm home alone. I wish my eyes would go back to normal - I have to go see my dad tomorrow - didn't see him in a couple of days. We did yard work over the weekend.

I know my husband isn't a bad guy, but I think it sets him off when he sees in print what he did - makes him realize that it happened. In his mind he thinks if he doesn't talk about it, ignores it or make believe it didn't happen - it will go away. No matter how much he hurts me - I always forgive him - I can't be mad at him. Am I gluten for punishment?

Girls, I forgot to tell you my oldest daughter won 2 tickets on Friday night to the annual Disco Ball sponsored by KTU (103.5) at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City – MF you must have that station in CT. She’s going to bring me in June. They’re going to have all the old disco stars, like the Tramps, Sugar Hill Gang, Gloria Gaynor, Lime, Tavares, Evelyn “Champagne” King and many more. She was so excited – she called on her phone and told us to listen to the station – we put it on and she was on the radio. Cool! You know how we love to dance.

Got to go – they cancelled my daughter’s Confirmation practice – have to pick her up. Talk to you all tomorrow.

F&L-

I understand why it would be a jolt to see the details of the worst thing you ever did all written out. I think my H would probably be a little hurt by that also. But he doesn't get to be angry about it, and neither should your H. Really, what we write about isn't the brass tacks of what happened in the A--we write about what we FEEL. And my H may be able to dispute the various accounts of what happened in his A, but he cannot dispute how it made me feel. And, try as he might, he can't take those feelings away (although I wish he could). My feelings belong to me, and I am the one who must deal with them. But it helps so much to have others who understand--like you gals! Anyway, I hope he takes a breath and tries to see things from your perspective.

But the Disco night sounds like a blast! Last year I saw "Mamma Mia" with all the ABBA music and it was so fun--that music just makes you want to dance! That should be a fun evening--you might have to dust off your go-go boots!

Talk to you all tomorrow,
-C.

I agree...how many times I heard it wasnt about you...well my healing isnt about him..he doesnt like me talking about it either but you are right csj he doesnt get to chose. I wish I could have been involved in his decision to cheat but I wasnt.

I am doing what we are all doing here trying to feel better and hang in there. I thank God for you guys and MB and if my H never understands it then so be it...there are some things I will never understand about him either.

Talk with you all in the am. Have a good night.
HF

Hi Girls,

My husband came home after 10:00 last night - I told him during the day that you ladies posted back to him - maybe he'll read it tonight. He was very nice to me and said he was sorry for what he said - he says sometimes he just doesn't know why he does this to me. He told me he loved me. Sometimes, he can be the sweetest guy and I melt, like I always did/do. Like I said I can never stay mad at him.

I've got to go outside today and try and clean the pool - then I'm going to see my dad. I have to wear sunglasses, even though there is no sun - my eyes are still swollen. My eyes always get so swollen when I cry - I'm the only one this happens to - I even get big puffs under my eyes when I cry - then my eyes turn into two slits. I'll start the stones next week - I don't feel strong enough now.

CSJ....I remember ABBA...they sang "Dancing Queen"...hey that's me!

My daughter wants me to get her a trampoline for her confirmation present - we've been very hesitant about this - but she's been asking for a couple of years now for this. It weighs 140 lbs. in the box, so I can't get it by myself - then I was going to order it on-line - shipping is between $50-$140 because of the weight. I'll have to figure something out - because even if my husband comes home these next couple of nights - I have to take my daughter to practices. Hmmmmmm - have to put my thinking cap on.

I was watching "Good Morning America" this morning and the subject was about a woman teacher (I think she's from Florida) who had a relationship with her 13 yr. old boy student. What the heck is wrong with these women? This is starting to happen a lot. She is such an attractive woman and she needs to be with a 13 yr. old? These women are definitely sick. There is such a double standard - if this was a man who did this to a 13 yr. old girl - they would "nail him to the wall". I forgot what sentence she got - but it wasn't that much.

Thanks again ladies for all your support. Got to go and get ready to go outside to clean the pool. In this part of the country all this pollen and long weed like seeds fall off the trees (I think Maple or Oak). These stupid things roll and tumble up into a ball – kind of like tumble weeds – that’s what we call them in our family. They go all over the deck, in the pool(clog the motor) – everything turns green. Remember I just painted the deck – now it’s green. You clean them up and 2 minutes later - they're all over the ground again.

Oh well, only another week or two and it will be gone. Talk to you later.

Hoping For how have you been doing? You haven't said too much. MF is all well? CSJ - when are you going to NM?

Morning F&L!

Glad to hear that your hubby is smoothing things over--I just about fell out of my chair when I read his post, because he did sound so angry. And after everything that we've all been through, being angry about posting here just isn't worth it.

I hope you have a good visit with your dad--it's so nice that you are close by to take care of him. I'm sure it means the world to him.

We are planning the NM trip for next week--we leave on Wed the 17th and get back the following Mon. I'm getting pretty excited, I think it will be a good time for us to get focused on us. Or it could be a disaster--that much time alone in the car with him! Maybe he'll drive me nuts! But my cute new swimming suit came in the mail yesterday, and it is adorable. So I think I will look cute by the pool, as planned. I ordered a few books, too, as we both like reading when we have some time to relax. I had my H pick out a few books he wanted and ordered them for him, too. The kids will have a whole week with my H's dad and step-mom, and they are very excited also. They just have a blast having time with our girls, so I think that will be a nice time for them, too.

Anyhow, I'll get some work done and check back later!

-C.

csj
Your trip sounds awesome. I am sure you will have a blast. My H just told me we have to cancel our anniversary getaway b/c of a baseball commitment fo rmy oldest <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I love spending alone time with him. We are just getting to the point now where we can leave the kids and relax.

F&L
I am glad you are patching things up with the H. Its so hard to put yourself in their shoes I know. The WS probably hurts as much as we do. I know I would not want to be the one who brought all this into the marriage! You would think it would make them more attentive and sensitive but we arent them so we dont understand.

I too almost fell off my chair when I read his post. I was shocked! Like you and I changed our screen names your H should too if he ever posts again. I can see that others would take offense to it thus causing the attitudes you spoke of people posting back to him. Infidelity causes a valid pain not just a made up drama. I hope he does post again and I hope others will help him understand what you are going thru so you can both be on the same page.


Did anyone watch BIG LOVE this week. I watched it last night (we have like 7 HBO channels for some reason). Anyway 2nd wife admits to owing 60,000 dollars in credit card debt. The H is sooooo angry feels betrayed yadayadayada...all feelings I am sure we have all had. At the end of the show they make up and he says I was upset because what you did was out of my control but the truth is I cant control what you do you control what you do. Which is a point someone was trying to make here with me a long time ago.

CSJ
My H wanted me to ask you is Utah a dry state? We were watching BigLove and 2 couples were out tio dinner and 3 people ordered milk...MILK! I was cracking up. Then he said I think they may have dry counties or event he entire state. I could google it but thought I would ask you.

Mama
Hope all is well! Hope you had a good weekend!
HF

HF- Yes, we watched BigLove also, and I quite enjoyed it. Who would have thought that I could watch the marital issues in a polygamous family and actually relate to it! I also thought the exchange he had about not being able to control what our spouses do was rather poignant. Maybe there is no other way to learn that lesson than the "hard" way. Still sucks, though.

The milk scene was funny--my H and I also laughed at that part. Utah isn't exactly a dry state, but the alcohol laws are strict here compared to other places. The Salt Lake City mayor actually tried to change that for the olympics so that we could be more "neighborly" to the tourists and athletes, but that didn't fly. The type of alcohol that can be sold in grocery stores has to have a pretty low alcohol content, even some types of beer are too high and then you have to get them at the State Liquor Store. Not all restaurants have a liquor license, and even then it is generally just a wine list or maybe a marguerita or something. And then many cities have ordinances which prohibit the sale of alcohol on sundays--I don't know if that's common elsewhere or not. There are very few places that are what you'd think of as a "bar." Here they are called "private clubs" because there is a specific kind of business license you have to get. Anyway, it was a rather funny jab at the rather conservative culture here, but a bit exaggerated. Actually, most folks around here order soft drinks when they go out to eat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Happy to be a source of Utah/Mormon culture trivia!

-C.

F&L - I'm back....was on vacation with my H and two DDs.

I read an old post - no you didn't scare me away.

How is everyone doing? I haven't had a chance to read much but wanted to quickly check in.

Hi,

Just got back from my dad's and got some more chemicals to clean the pool.

Sad and Confused....I thought we scared you off. Welcome back. We still need your thoughts! We need to know why you did what you did...you never really answered our questions. My husband will be reading this site and maybe posting - he used to post on here many months ago – but after a while we both stopped because it turned out to be a shouting match between us. It would be interesting if you and he agree on certain things or were thinking the same thing or maybe you don’t.

Jersey just changed their Sunday Blue Laws not too long ago. I'd say about 15 yrs ago you couldn't buy any liquor anywhere in the state here on a Sunday. When they first started on Sunday - it had to be after 12:00/noon. Now I think all liquor stores are open in the morning. We still can't buy any liquor in a regular food store - only a store that specifically sells liquor. Every restaurant here has to have a liquor license to sell liquor. There are still some towns in NJ that are dry down the shore.

My husband would be very disappointed if he sat down to watch his Jets with a bottle of MILK! Just wouldn't be the same. Here....have a swig of MILK...at the stadium, get your peanuts, popcorn, MILK! Having the choice of imported MILK, draft MILK, etc. That would be pretty funny!

CSJ…it will be nice for you and your hubby to get away. My husband and I went on a business trip in Nov. 05, and it was really nice to be alone. We ate dinner out, danced, talked and had fun – just the two of us.

My husband and I fight when we are in the car together…if I take my eye off the road for one minute my husband makes a wrong turn…that starts the fight. We’ve been know to drive around in circles a few times, while he was driving. He’s not too good on directions. I’ve missed a couple of turns also – but he’s worse than I am. He’s so funny – he always thinks he’s going the right way, when it's obvious we aren't and I can't say anything or he gets mad and tells me I made him make the wrong turn.

Well, I'm done eating - going outside to do the pool.

No, you didn't scare me off! :-)

I would love to answer your questions......bring them on. I am posting now from work so I have to be a little careful.

It's pure selfishness...then the addiction sets in, then when you try to break free the fog sets in. I am not making excuses, just trying to explain how things happened/felt for me.

My H and I are in recovery and doing really well thus far. I made a HUGE mistake, crossed many boundaries and have to live with that for the rest of my life. And to think that one day, I will be face-to-face with God...scares the "you know what" out of me. I am trying to do everything to make it right and find out where my weaknesses are.

Basically I am trying to be a better person - the person I want to be.

See you all later - have a great day.

Sad,

Ok, this stinks - I just lost everything I typed - the internet went off. RATS!!!

Well anyway. Good thing I can type fast. There's been so many posts....just give us a quick bio of what happened...why you did what you did...what you were feeling...if you knew the person....did you break it off...or were you found out? How you felt when it ended.....what you think your H is feeling? What you are going thru. Addiction??? Were you happy when you were having the A? Did you love your husband inspite of having an A???

We all make mistakes...that's what makes us human. This thread is the only one I come to because of this small group of ladies. I consider them my good friends...not just some people to talk to on MB - they are smart, understanding, considerate, have compassion and funny. We talk about many things other than just serious stuff. Feel free to join us.

Got to go out and find a trampoline - that's all my daughter talks about every day. Talk to you all later.

F&L - Ok, here goes....

Quick Bio. XOM was someone I work with (in another bldg. we never run into each other). His only son was killed 18 months ago and I reached out to him. I felt such compassion and sorrow for this man. His ONLY child. Quickly things turned very sexual through emails, and such. It was extremely exciting but I felt very dirty. However, I craved the attention that this XOM was giving me. (At the time I worked FT, my H was in school F/T and held a P/T job - we NEVER saw eachother). Not an excuse, just letting you know the sitch back then. After close to a year I told my H that I had an EA with him. I was too ashamed to tell him about the PA (mostly oral sex, me giving the XOM - INTERCOURSE NEVER HAPPENED). Then I found this website and it has literally changed my life.

After read posts for months, I decided, with God's help to tell my H every detail. So I did. Bad times, really bad.

I was pregnant with our second DD when this A started. Pretty gross, huh?

It's only ben a month since Radical Honesty, but it's a start and we're doing really well.

When I was in the middle of my A, it felt like an addiction and YES I still loved my H, however, I honestly thought I was in love with XOM. Even though he told me countless times, "You're a distraction...."

My stomach hurts just writing this and reliving in my mind. But I want to help you guys.

Bottom line is my H and I had VERY bad communication since we married in 99. Our schedules were completely different, and I recently realized that one of my most important EN is the need for admiration. Something I wasn't getting from my H, and the XOM provided (for a little while anyway).

I will write more later, but hope this is a good start for you.

God bless.

Hi everyone,

Just checking in to let you know I'm around. I have been trying to catch up, but have been busy at work with some training the last couple days.

So much to comment on but not sure where to start. Glad to see that Sad&confused is back==thanks for your point of view and I hope that we can help each other out.

CT is similar to NJ--There are no state liquour stores. you have to go to a liquour store (also called Package Stores here, for some unknown reason) to buy alcohol, except that you can buy beer and only beer in grocery stores. There are no liquor sales on Sunday period--not in a grocery, liquor or convenience store. Restaurants need a liquour license to sell any type of alcohol.

That's all I have time for now. Glad that everyone is doing well...

Afternoon everyone!

S&C--it's nice to hear from you again. We're glad we didn't come off like a pack of wolves before. It is nice to hear your point of view, because there are so many things about my H's A that make no sense at all to me, and I am really struggling to "get it."

One thing eats at me, and maybe you can help me with this. During the A (which lasted a year!!!!!!!) my H was very distant with me. He avoided me a lot when he was home, and when I would try and talk to him, I got these really monotone, monosyllabic replies. We had SF TWO TIMES that whole year, despite many attempts by me to initiate things. He constantly put me off. I really felt like a single mom many times, and it was rough on me. Now I think back on so many aspects of that time, and I wonder: was he avoiding me because of his guilt, or was he avoiding me because he was so caught up with OW that he just didn't want me around at all? It still is devestating to me to remember . . . . Anyway, maybe you had some similar scenarios and you can help me with this.

Know also that I respect you very much for the steps you are taking to make things right in your M. I know my H carries a weight around in the pit of his stomach all the time. He has suffered much because of what he did, and regret doesn't begin to describe it for him. I'm sure you feel the same way. It is a hard way back for all of us, but it is nice to have support here, and I know God helps us also.

Anyway, got to get back to work! I will check back in a bit.

-C.

S&C,

Ditto for me what CSJ said....I commend you for being honest with your H. My H's PA lasted 9 mos and he acted similarly to CSJ's H in that he was distant, stayed away from home, put me down and would start arguments (I think now it was a way to justify his A, to make me seem like a bad person)...For him, he says it was just sex, and he never stopped loving me. Never intended to leave me and his kids, just didn't think of the consequences of his actions.

My H realizes now that this was the biggest mistake of his life and the guilt still eats away at him...like CSJ, I'd appreciate any comments in this regard.

Take care everyone,
MF

Sad,

It seems we all have one thing in common - our husband's wanted to avoid us. My used to shuffle papers every night or be in his office - he said he wasn't avoiding me - but I sensed it - there was not doubt about it. My husband didn't even realize he was doing this. Why do you distance yourself from the spouse during your affair? My husband said he didn't love the OW - as I think it is in all our situations.

My husband also said he felt sorry for the OW. Does feeling sorry for someone lead you into an affair? If you felt dirty - why did you continue? My husband did the same thing - he got deeper and deeper into the relationship - didn't know how to end it - he didn't want to hurt the OW.

Did you feel your husband was a stronger person than the OM - in my case my husband thinks I am stronger - so he didn't feel sorry for me.

I always tell everyone communcation is so important in a marriage - that was our biggest problem - my husband never wanted to discuss any of his problems with me - he held things inside -but yet he discussed it with the OW.

Did your husband pay less attention to you because you were pregnant and the OM complimented you? I know when you're pregnant you need that constant feeling that you are attractive, etc.

Well, I've got to take the trampline out of the trunk....talk to you girls later.

F&L--

So you got the trampoline, huh? We had one when we were kids, and it was probably pretty good exercize. Luckily none of us suffered from any serious injuries, but we had plenty of near misses. Good times . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />