Good afternoon everyone!

It's my lovely Friday routine again--laundry, vaccuum, groceries, lunch for the kids, and a quick bite for me while DD2 naps and DD1 watches a little tv.

Drexxel, I had a similar experience with my FWH recently. He graduated with his MPA, and I wanted to get him something special--I really am so proud that he has accomplished this. So I brought the subject of his gift up so I could make sure I was getting him the truck box he wanted for his new truck. He just responded, "don't get me anything." I was really hurt that he would just toss aside my attempt to do something nice for him. Finally, I decided to talk to him about it. I think he saw the gift as something he didn't deserve, because of all the hurt and damage from his A. Your W probably feels much the same way. She doesn't think she is worthy of a gift from you. But I gently explained to my H that his refusal to accept a gift made me feel like my attempt to do something great for him wasn't good enough. And this is a bad trigger for me, because that's how I felt all during his A. I wasn't good enough, dinner wasn't good enough, my dress wasn't cute enough . . . the list goes on and on.

Anyhow, once I explained this to him, he told me to go ahead and get him his truck box. In your case, the truck box might not go over as well . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I like MF's idea of something special that she could use with her job. I would go ahead and just get it for her, and then explain to her why it's important for you to commemorate her accomplishment. I'm sure she'll be really touched.

HF--sorry to hear that you're under the weather. Hope you get feeling better real soon--in time to enjoy Mother's Day would be nice!

For our Mother's Day dinner, I decided on BBQ shrimp and scallops, as these will be very easy, but yummy too. For desert we'll do key lime pie, because it is one of my favorites, and since it's "my day" I don't mind if anyone else likes it or not!

Have a great day, everyone!

-C.

Happy Mother's Day to all of your wonderful Moms!!!

Thank you for letting me in "your club"....means a lot.

I will try to post some over the weekend. Not having a very good day today at all.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hey Sad & Confused,

We are here for you, girl...Keep your chin up...It is a long road but it is worth it. Just hang in there. It WILL get better, I promise you...

Happy Mother's Day!

Thanks, I just love you all of you guys!!! You have welcomed me with open arms. If I were in your shoes, I'm not so sure I could do that.

Anyone live near Charlotte, NC?

You have a good Mother's Day too - you deserve it!

Okie. Kids and I are back from the promotion thing for WW. I did end up getting her a gift. Thoughtful, but not romantic. See, she's in the military. Officers have this thing they do where they carry a coin around. There are lots of different kinds of coins, but as long as you have one in your pocket, you're ok. Cause if someone does a "coin check" where they pull out their coin and slam it down on the table, every one else has to do the same. The booger head without a coin has to buy everyone a round of drinks after work or wherever they are. Last weekend, WW and I were out and someone did a coin check. She didn't have her coin. Fortunately, I had mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> At any rate, I bought her a coin denoting her new rank.

As we (the kids and I cause WW had to stay to finish work) were leaving, WW initiated a hug. This is crutial. She hasn't done this since D-Day. She'll hug me back kinda sorta when I hug her. Or if we're dancing, she'll hug me back after we finish a song, but this was crutial. She initiated it and hugged me TIGHT. Then she whispered, "Thanks for coming." I only said, "I wouldn't have missed it."

Ladies, I know it's early for us and I keep talkin about SF, but seriously, it's agonizing. I really don't think you understand. If you want to see a face of shock and depression almost instantly, go to your Hs and tell them that you have some uncurable illness and you can't have SF for an undetermined amount of time.

I'm not saying men are that shallow. And likely, if your Hs are worth anything, what they "say" will be something to the effect of "I loved you before we ever made love. I loved the way your eyes could pierce my soul and see things in me I didn't know I could do. I loved the way you held my hand. I loved the magic of your kiss and the way your perfume intoxicated me. I still love those things now. I'm here for you."

BUT, at the same time he's saying that, watch the color drain out of his face. Of course, he won't think it's too funny when you tell him you were running an experiment, but you get the picture.

Sunday we're doing a picnic. Sandwiches, fried chicken, jello. All that kinda stuff. It's supposed to rain, though, so we might have to spread the picnic blanket out on the floor. Can't play frisbee in the house though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sad, I live in SC, relatively close to where you are. I'd rather not get more specific than that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Before I was a SAHD I ran restaurants for years. I love to cook, but I'm burned out of doing it for other people for a living. That doesn't mean I'm not full of tips and secrets so, while I'm no Martha Stewart, I wield a mean spatula. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You got questions, I prolly got answers.

Gotta get going soon. Spaghetti tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Want to try something new and see if your family notices? Instead of salting the water for your pasta, add chicken or beef bouillon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, kids are tucked in to bed, and H is still camping tonight with the guys. So I've got a bit of time to check in here and see what's new for today.

The girls and I had a fun afternoon and went to a farm/petting zoo nearby where the kids got to help milk a cow, feed baby goats, and ride a pony. They had a blast!

Welcome back, S&C! Sorry to hear that you're not having a good run today. Come here and vent--we'll help if we possibly can. With all these heads to put together, we're bound to have a good idea or two.

And I'm out in Utah--not near NC, sorry.

Drexxel-It sounds like the promotion ceremony was a real success for both of you. Chalk that one up as a win!

And believe me, I know the SF thing is awful. These ladies have been really helping me get my "groove" back in that regard. Just keep making those "love bank" deposits, and it will come. For women, it's all about the foreplay. And that means different things to different women, depending on what her EN's are. You know your wife best. Just keep on doing the things you know mean the most to her. She will get there!

But I gotta tell you, you are a poet, as evidenced by this:

"I loved you before we ever made love. I loved the way your eyes could pierce my soul and see things in me I didn't know I could do. I loved the way you held my hand. I loved the magic of your kiss and the way your perfume intoxicated me. I still love those things now. I'm here for you."

LOL, my H would never say this, not in 1,000,000! I'm sure the thought would be there inside, somewhere. I married a cowboy, what can I say? Maybe you could give my H some sensitivity lessons or something?

And you stirred a memory! Years ago, I worked for a guy who had been professionally trained as a chef. He always said to put chicken base in water when making rice, or whatever. I had forgotten all about that!

Anyhow, have a great weekend, all!

-C.

I haven't been on this thread before but Drex and I post to each other a lot. I know the lack of SF is especially hard for the male. You know you and I found out just two days apart and honestly I don't know where FWH and I would be if he had not wanted SF with me. For me, that was what really brought us back together on all levels. Maybe that is why your W is still having such a hard time. Maybe she needs to know that there are BS who needed SF from the wayward spouse. Maybe she is afraid you don't really want her or will have to stop it w/o completion b/c you'll be flooded by images that stop you. I know I'm rambling but you get my drift. I think the SF coming back is important so you can replace all the bad memories with new ones and so the SF you're thinking about is with your spouse, not them thinking of other person or you thinkiing of them with OP.

CSJ, My H would very rarely speak like that either. It takes all kinds.

Drex, I'm impressed with the cooking info. Didn't know you had that talent. I'm so not a cook. I do a mean take out!

Hiya again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

csj, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. It helps knowing I have friends I can vent to sometimes.

March, Welcome to the csj board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I didn't know when I posted here that it was all women!! I'm certain to find some sound advice here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Yes, March and I post back and forth. Our D-Days are 2 days apart, have similar histories. The major difference is that she and her H are well along into recovery and congrats to them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Turns out I may know why SF isn't happening and things are so tense. I discovered yesterday that the NC that I thought was in place isn't. I think if I hadn't been emotionally prepared for what I would find, it would have been like D-Day all over again. I won't say what specifically I found or how I found it in the event that she's reading (Hi Sweetie), but I found it all the same.

I was very quiet for a while, mulling over what to say, how to say it, etc. Finally she asked what was wrong and I confronted her. Basically all she had to say was that she was in love with him and didn't want to give him up. I told her this condition of NC wasn't negotiable. I told her every time she talked to him that she and I started back at square one. Told her she couldn't see the love I was giving her because she was in love with this fantasy, with this married man who wasn't going to leave his wife... because she hadn't seen all his warts etc.

At this point, I told her I was ready to spew venom and I was very angry and I thought we shouldn't talk for a while lest I say something I'd regret later. She got up and left the room. She was going to go take a drive until she discovered that her adoring husband had put her cell phone and keys in a place where she couldn't find them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She asked, "Where's my phone?!" I said, "I'm not going to tell you." She asked again, "Where's my phone?!" back and forth three times. Finally I told her, "If you think I'm going to enable your affair by giving you your phone so you can call OM, think again." That ended that conversation.

Then it was the car keys. "You have no right to take them from me!" I said, "I have to right to prevent you from going somewhere where you can call OM? I have no right to prevent you from carrying on your affair?" That ended that conversation.

So, she goes for a walk. 2 minutes into the walk, it starts thunderstorming. Soooo, I go get in my car and go look for her. Find her walking along in the rain. She gets in the car. She says, "I could have come home. I chose not to." I said, "I know. I could have stayed home. I chose not to."

So then, we're not really talking to each other much. I make dinner (chef salad yummy!), she finishes and heads off upstairs without a word. Hmmm. I go to see what she's up to and she's gone to MY side of the bed, picked up SAA and started reading. Interesting... I asked her if she wanted to be alone and she said me sitting there wouldn't bother her, so I picked up the next book on my stack and started reading.

A little while later she says, "Where's that workbook? The one with the emotional needs questionaire in it? I'm curious." Now I'm thinking the alien that replaced my abducted wife has been abducted and replaced with a new species of alien! I get the workbook (been trying to get her to do the ENQ for a while now) and we do that together and talk about it.

There came a point where she started talking about what she really feels, started crying, talking about the guilt she's been carrying. Guys, if you're reading this, THIS IS THE POINT WHERE YOU SHUT UP! I let her talk... let her cry... Just let her get a bunch of stuff out. Finally, we laid down and she curled up on my chest! Even with yesterday's discoveries, that's the happiest I've been since D-Day. I held her so tight and told her I would always be there for her. She caressed my chest some and we just had some quiet time.

Eventually, she rolled over (not accustomed to sleeping like that) and I curled up behind her. Amazing how last night ended like that.

As far as the NC thing goes, don't anybody flame me. I'll post more on that part later this afternoon. Everyone, I hope you had a great Mother's Day and I hope today is even better!

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good morning everybody,

Welcome March 27th….

The Confirmation for my daughter went great. The actual event had standing room only - church was packed - I stood in the back - took my 4" heals off - feet were killing me. Went home with everyone and had cake & coffee. I was so tired I feel asleep on the couch.

Got up early Saturday and cooked my butt off. By the afternoon my neck and back were killing me - I have osteoarthritis - from 2 serious accidents to my neck & back - as you get older you develop scar tissue. No old jokes – I know I’m the oldest one in this bunch.

The hot snacks, 5 entrees went - everyone devoured the food- we had about 15 people over. I was glad - everyone loved the food as usual - I outdid myself - this makes me feel good. Guys drank beer and played football outside - the sun came out for my daughter. She jumped all day on her new trampoline with her friend. By the time everyone came over my neck and back were hurting and felt like it was on fire…..but I had a couple of glasses of wine and by nighttime it felt better.

My childhood friend was able to make it. We were in the kitchen - a couple of us ladies talking "girl talk". A young woman who we have known since she was 12 - gave me some bad news - she suspects her husband of cheating - they've only been married 5 yrs. My heart broke for her - I've known her since she was a little girl. The things she told me - it definitely sounded like he was cheating.

She said if she finds out for sure - that she would file for divorce. She thinks it's that easy. Her mother lives in Florida and is also having problems with her step-dad – he was “making time” with a friend of the family – some friend – huh?

I told my husband about what she had told me - he said how could he do that to her???? I guess it was ok for him to do it to me - I am stronger in his mind.

Drexxell.....my dad used to do all the cooking when I was a kid....my mom was an awful cook. I guess I learned from my dad – I got mostly everything from my dad. It's great when a guy cooks. You know the old expression...."A woman's fantasy - 2 men - one to cook and one to clean". Haa..Hee..Hee!

All you people…. SF will come in time to all of you - everyone has their own time frame. My D-day was before all of you – I think – June 05. I found it very hard to have SF in the beginning because I would picture the OW in my husband's arms. But, I did it anyway - I guess to prove he had it better at home - sometimes I would cry though.

And, yes drexxell....if I told my husband that he couldn't have SF for a certain amount of time...he definitely would get that ghostish look on his face. My husband doesn't care if I'm sick, have a headache, even when I had a broken foot, as long as I’m breathing - he thinks SF is the cure for everything - insists it will make me feel better.

Drexxell….don’t talk about NC is right….my husband worked with the OW for 10 months and I put up with that – I had no choice.

I just realized I’m going to that Disco Ball on 6/10/05 with my oldest daughter– that’s my D-Day – could this mean something?

My husband doesn't say romantic stuff either and he's a city boy. It's very hard to even get complimenting words out of his mouth - he's just not that way - never has been. If he bought me flowers or a card for no reason - I’d be shocked - I'd definitely know something is wrong. And if by some chance he cooked dinner for me without being asked - well this would probably never happen - it would be "gourmet" hot dogs or canned Progresso soup - he makes this very well. But, I've learned to accept him the way he is - it doesn't bother me. I love my husband the way he is.

He was very nice to me on Mom's Day - after I did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned up all the mess from the day before - he rubbed my neck and back for about 1/2 hour. My neck burns like it's on fire and hurts like heck when it bothers me. Later we ordered Chinese food - my daughter's boyfriend went to pick it up. He's such a sweet young man - he got me a giant card that said MOM and wrote a very warming note inside - bought me flowers and also paid for the Chinese food. He doesn't have a mom and dad - they died. So I treat him like he's my son - he eats over our house several times a week. He treats my daughter so good - I so happy he came into her life.

Well, I've got to go and get ready to go see my dad.

Welcome to Monday everyone....

March27th, Welcome to our board...I haven't read your thread/history but will try to do that later...Did you have a nice Mother's Day? I am in CT (nowhere near the South!)

Drexxel, I am very happy to hear of your progress with your W last night....that is a remarkable end to the story of your day...I did not expect that to be how it worked out when I started to read how there is still Contact. So that is very very promising for you...Your W probably read in SAA about how the A is a fantasy and that hit home for her. Especially if the OM is also married. I'm very happy to hear that you are doing the EN workbook....Congrats and keep the momentum going! You are right when you said when your W started to cry and talk, just to shut up. I have learned that when my H opens up like that, I let him just talk and listen to his pain instead of trying to get him to listen to my pain...

I understand what you are saying about men and SF, only I learned my lesson a very hard way...when I read SAA and HNHN, I saw my marriage in many scenarios...Over and over, the man had an A because he didn't feel needed;/appreciated by his W...SF had decreased due to the W caring for the kids and the house, and putting H's needs for SF last. This was my mistake. I see it now and wish I could turn back time, because I didn't understand it then.

At the time, I was going through a bad period of depression myself==I didn't feel like myself, turns out that I was pregnant and didn't realize it--so even though I didn't have the morning sickness, I was tired all the time and emotional...No energy at all after working full time and caring for 2 kids (2 and 4-1/2 yrs old), and my H worked graveyard shift over the weekends. So I was always taking care of the house, cleaning, laundry, cooking. When I found out I was pregnant, it was a relief because then I knew why I had been feeling that way. And we were excited because he especially wanted to have another baby.

Well in my situation (some of you have read this before so sorry for the repetitiveness), my H was feeling rejected by me because when he would initiate SF, I would be exhausted. Or he would come on to me when I was washing dishes, or doing chores...(See he was not home 4 nights a week due to his working)...I didn't know that there was a young unmarried coworker that had been flirting with him for about 6 mos...he is a flrt--he's from the South (VA Beach area) so is naturally charming (like Drexxel--only he doesn't speak as poetically <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )...He had not given in to this woman's "charms" until we had a huge fight. Then he went to work, very angy at me...she asked him "why don't you come home w/ me today?" when they got off work that next morning, and he said Ok. That was it. She knew he was married w/ 2 kids and a pregnant wife. She agreed w/ him that they would just meet and have sex, and that's all it was to them for a while...

My point is that I really was ignorant of my H's need for SF...The old cliche that if a man isn't getting enough at home, rang true for me. I wish my H had been able to talk to me about how this made him feel and that this had left him open to OW"s advances, before the A happened. This is why, after DDay, we did resume SF pretty quickly. Yes, it was hard for me to get the pictures out of my head...But I made myself do it because I wanted to feel desired by my H (never a problem he said), and I wanted him to forget about her. He had felt like I wasn't interested in him anymore, and felt rejected by me. So the LAST thing I wanted to do was to reject him for SF...I wanted to show him that I was interested, that I could be sexy for him, and he didn't need a younger woman to have good SF.


Drexxel, My H used to be a night kitchen manager for Shoneys' when he lived in VA...So he is also a great cook...He can whip up a great dinner out of nothing!! He does all the cooking in our house. I'm spoiled in that way!

S&C, Of course we welcome you here...We see your pain and we know that you are hurting just like we all are...It takes a lot of courage to post here as a FWS..I hope you are feeling better now, and had a good Mother's Day and weekend.

CSJ,
Countdown to your vacation with your H starts today...I hope you had a good Mother's Day==was he home from camping in time to celebrate with you?

Hopingfor,
How are you doing? Did you have a nice Mother's Day?

Forgive and Love,

Glad that your daughter's confirmation went well. Your daughter's boyfriend sounds like a great guy. I'm happy that she found someone so good to her (and to you )..I'm glad that you had a good Mother's Day and your H gave you a nice massage..

I'm sorry your friend's H cheated on her, but it was nice that you opened up to her so she knows she is not alone. See, you never know what goes on in people's marriages...

Well, gotta get to work now...Have a good day everyone...

Hi everyone
Still feeling a little under the weather. trucking through. I finally got my husband to post so hopefully he will take to heart what others who have been there know about what I am feeling.

I am beginning to feel like if he is not going to help me heal what the (*&^ am I doing sticking by him? I know I love him but would the world end actually end if I made him leave? Could it possibly be worse than all this pain and listening to him tell me to please be normal...I love you...everything is ok...nothing to worry about...believe me...

He is so sweet in so many ways but honestly those are just words and I have such a broken heart!

Anyway its on help...shes killing me if you want to check it out. He read the responses but I dont think he willbe back to write again.

Hope you allhad a good mothers day evenyou Drex!
HF

Ok. I'm back from all my running around today. Getting some housework done to boot. I went and had a chat with wife's commander. NC shouldn't be a problem now. He's very supportive. At this point, whether or not wife gets into trouble and loses her job is completely up to her. He's going to issue a no contact order sometime in the next 48 hours. A similar order will be issued to the OM from his commander. I don't know how wife is going to respond to that. She'll prolly be pizzed. Her commander and I actually passed her in the hallway while he was escorting me out of her work.

Anywho, I've got to get going and fulfill some more ENs. Talk with you all later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all the welcomes! I look foward to gettng to "know" you all and yes, I did have a nice Mother's Day. FWH was working but the kids were sweet. They were so happy to give me the things they made in Sunday School.
I have to do a quick comment to Drex...I'm on the way out..will be gone for the week...I'll have to set aside half a day when I get back to get caught up! As someone mentioned above, I was not excpecting the ending. I think this may be the turning point you've needed. I'm so glad she cuddled with you. I know you needed that. I think if she would just let herself go and be intimate with you some more walls would come down. Drex, you were brave to go to her commander. I know it had to be done. I hope she can understand.

Good afternoon everyone!

I was looking to see if HF had posted yet--usually you have some observation about Sunday's "Big Love" episode. I hope you're feeling better.

Welcome to March 27--I hope you and S&C check back in and give us an update on how you are doing. We need to make sure Drexxel has plenty of ladies around to give him advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It sounds like there were some good Mother's Day celebrations over the weekend! Ours was pretty low key. My H got home pretty early Sunday morning, but he seemed to be in kind-of a "funk." He gets that way sometimes--after I read "Men are from Mars" I decided the "going into the cave" metaphor fit him pretty well. In the past this hasn't bothered me--everyone has their bad days after all. And if I just let him work it out, he would come out of his "cave" in a day or so. Until his A. He stayed in that cave for a year, and now it makes me turn all cold inside when he gets that way. In the late afternoon he got in his car and drove off, didn't tell me where he was going. In the old days, I didn't worry at all, because I had such complete trust and confidence in him. But now???? It really ticks me off. We have talked about this issue, and I've explained about just letting me know where he is going, and a time frame of getting back. This is courteous--it is fair--I deserve it. But this is one of those stubborn points with him. He equates his ability to come and go with his independance, and he doesn't want to "report in" with me. He was only gone for a little over an hour--said he went to his friend's. Whatever. Some days I just feel too tired to talk about it.

I have very little confidence that certain things about him will ever change. I can keep trying, and I do believe that things can continue to improve. We have covered much ground since November--when I discovered his A. But the beautiful picture I had of my marriage has really lost it's luster. I guess all I can do is push forward, and hopefully we will arrive at a point where I don't feel that I have "settled" for something. I knew I hadn't married Romeo. I know he's not a good cook (hats off to you Drexxel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). He's not Socrates. I have never expected those things of him. He was, however, lots of other things that I loved. It remains to be seen, I suppose, how much of that can be put back together. But I promised myself when I made the decision to try and work this out to give him one year. Nothing hasty--give it time and effort and see where we are. That way I can see myself through the times when we go two steps forward and one back.

So Mother's Day was sort-of a downer for me. I think a big part is that holidays do highlight the problem for me. I can't help but think "this year at last time he was cheating on me . . ." But the girls made a cute card for me. Thank God for my kids.

I'll check back with you all later!

-C.

Hello to all,

Hopingfor, Glad to hear from you, as always. I will check out your H's thread. I hope he will continue to post.

Drexxel,

Wow...you surprised me again with going to your W's commander but I totally support you in that. Until I came on MB, I never knew such a thing existed in the military, but now I see it all over these boards. You are completely justified in doing that , and I hope your evening goes well. If your W saw you with her commander, she must know or suspect that you have exposed the A to him. Be strong...She may not be so welcoming to you tonight as she was last night. I hope I'm wrong. Kudos to you for doing that...Will look forward to reading more tomorrow. Good luck!

March 27th, Have a good week and I look forward to hearing more from you when you return.

CSJ,

Boy your H and Mine are like two peas in a pod...or maybe like two cavemen in a cave...He does the same thing...and I totally saw him when I read that Men are from Mars book too...Same mentality exactly...In fact, in our last MC session, our homework was for us to come up with a solution to this problem of him leaving me w/ the kids "to go get gas" or whatever, and not coming home for an hour. We came up with the solution for him to just tell me where he was going and to estimate how long he'd be gone, and to call if it was later...this didn't work out very well. He called the first couple of times, but that was it. Back to old habits...And I'm too tired most of the time to make an issue out of it too. It's a big LB for him anyway.

I'm feeling the same way you are, CSJ, about things not changing. I didn't set a time limit on it, but I did say that if I felt like I had done everything that I could do to save my M and it didn't work out, then I could leave with a clear conscience. During his A, I didn't know it was a competition. I feel like I didn't have a fair chance to win him back, or make any changes on my behalf...Now I can make the changes I need to be a better W and person...

As for the holiday thing, BIG BIG trigger for me too. I am always thinking, Last year he was with her...It's a tough habit to get out of...I thank God for my kids too. If it weren't for them, I'd be outta here...

Have a good night everyone!

Quick update. Still not sure how wife is going to react. She called me on the phone earlier. Among others things, we briefly touched on why I was there at her work. I told her straight up what I had done and what she could expect. I asked her if she was OK and she said no. (of course) But she also said we'd talk more about it after she got home. She didn't sound angry, just very quiet.

Hearing what she told me yesterday, which was, "I'm in love with him and I don't want to give him up." and pairing that with now she knows if she ever talks to him ever again in any way shape or form, she's not only destroying her career and losing her family, but she's destroying his career.

While she was reading SAA last night, the only passage she highlighted was one about flirting to know you can still make someone else attracted to you and not meaning for the flirting to lead to sex, but once it leads to sex, that pretty much ends the relationship. That was helpful to me to see what she thought was creating her situation.

So far, none of our plans for this week have changed. If she hasn't called off our dates by now, knowing what she knows, she's probably not all that upset with me for following through on my earlier promise to her about talking to her commander. (He's going to help me find work, by the way) I think she's just going to have to deal with the realization that her fantasy bubble is off limits now. Thank you all for your support.

March!!! I'm gonna miss seeing your rantings, errr, your posts for a whole week! Send me a postcard or something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HF-

Sorry you are having a down time--it seems to ebb and flow with me as well. It is so disappointing to realize that even a healed marriage will be forever changed. I am hurt beyond description, and I think there is just a handful of days since DDay that I haven't had a little cry.

I read on one thread that recovery was all about "becoming comfortable on the pee-stained couch." Sort-of an ugly metaphor, but it made me think. I finally decided that it's not entirely true, though. If you believe in true repentance, and in true atonement, then someone can be completely forgiven for adultery in the eyes of God.

Isa. 1: 18 says: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."

So, if you are thinking of this like the "pee-stained couch"--it can be completed cleaned. Maybe even recovered with something pure and unstained in any way. The struggle that we deal with is that, no matter how beautiful the couch is, we will always know what happened to it. It is the memory that hurts.

But then I saw another comparison that I liked better--and I told MF about it before, so this is a little repetetive, but someone else compared recovery to a giant California Redwood that was hurt at one time. One limb is knarled, but the tree continued to grow and is stronger and more beautiful than before.

I like that image better than the pee-stained couch, anyway. Keep your chin up--one day at a a time. It must get better!

Drexxel-
That is awsome that you went to your W's commander! From other posts I have read, I am sure you will find her initially really pi**ed off, but once that clears it seems that true healing can begin. She needs to have some time removed from the OM before she can really focus on your M.

And I am thinking that, if you are available, you could lead a class of some sort for the "cavemen" husbands. I am thinking "Chivalry for Dummies" or something like that . . . . You could have several different segments, like thoughtful gestures, being courteous, and maybe throw in a cooking portion also (although it sounds like MF's hubby could test out of that one). What do you think???????

Anyhow, I hope everyone had a good evening! I'll check back tomorrow!

-C.

Hey everyone
Csj I only watched half of Big Love last night I was fuming b/c my H said he would close up while I checked on the kids and he came up 10 min later. When I asked him how come he wasnt right behind me he said he decided to check his email and I said well why didnt you say that when you were right behind me on the way upstairs? Blah blah you knowthe routine. I dont trust him..never going to trust him...that hurts him.

You know upuntil this weekend I have felt very very sorry for myself and last night I thought....what if we didnt make it? I would be ok. I wouldnt want it. I love him. I would hate to be a single mom. The kids would be devastated but the earth would still revolve around the sun. I would still wake up in the morning. Funny it took 5 months for me to even begin to think like this.

Anyway now I am just disgusted with him and what he did. He asked me just the other day if I had hate in my heart and I said no not at all just dissapointed that we were not who we thought we were and that I would never be able to see us like that again. I could never have my innocence back and I resented that but no hate.

Today I may answer that question differently! Hopefully this phase wont last long but I do what everyone else does I guess back and forth all the time.

Gotta run to DDx2 school for parent night sooooo cute! Cant wait. Thank God for those wonderful kids.

Drex
I am so glad to hear that you exposed. It will be such a good thing. It certainly sounds like you are on your way to recovery!

Hope everyone is doing well will check in in the am
HF

HF- you know, the realization that I could make it without my H was ultimately freeing for me, and maybe you will find that for yourself as well. That little discovery actually came well before DDay, and I remember it well. I was folding laundry and just fuming that I was basically functioning as a single mom, my H was gone again, as usual, and I started asking myself "what has he done for me lately???" The only thing I could come up with was that he mowed the lawn, and fed the animals. It occurred to me that, if we split up, the only thing I was lacking was someone to do those 2 things. And if I moved and had my own place, I would get a much smaller home in an HOA or something where I didn't have to feed horses or mow a lawn. In other words, I realized I didn't really need him.

So when DDay came along months later, I was of course totally devastated. But there was that underlying knowledge that, no matter what happened, I would be okay without him. I could make it on my own if I had to. And that still gives me some courage, which helps with the hurt somehow.

So instead of being angry that the world doesn't revolve around him, let that empower you. You can handle this curve ball that life has thrown at you, no matter what!

Hope your night tonight goes a bit better,
-C.

Good morning,

Hoping For…..First of all....I hope all is well in your neck of the woods...I hear you guys have a lot of flooding in your area. It's raining "cats and dogs" here. Darn, I've got so much stuff to do outside.

Second, I'd like to hit your husband over the head with a frying pan - he's got the same thoughts as my husband. I told my husband about what he said and my husband commented that he was right - you should stop talking about the past. He thinks the same way. I asked him - "do all spouses who cheat have the same attitude - that we are just supposed to forget instantly"? It's not only your husband - I think they are all alike.

It's also very hard to think of your marriage as it was before. My D-Day is going to be a year next month and I still think - if this only didn't happen. It put such a dent in our marriage, just because my husband wanted to experience being with another woman before he got older. The women he was with before we got married didn't count.

It's funny that you ladies mentioned living alone. My husband said that if we ever split up I would need a man/husband. I told him no way...."I do everything right now by myself, I cook, clean, do yard work, handiwork around the house, I can get a job (2 if needed). What do I need a guy for....sex? Yes, I may need a guy for sex....but when that's over I can send the guy on his way. I don't need a NEW guy to tell me what to do and possibly go thru this again. I've survived before after divorcing....I can provide for my children and me....I don't need another man."

Lots of women think they can't survive without their husbands...being single...yes it's hard, but it can be done. Yes, it's much easier to stay in a marriage, but in certain instances its worse for the woman and also the children - it does more harm than good.

Hoping For....don't get me wrong I'm not telling you to leave or divorce your husband....but women can survive without a man - even if they don't work.

The subject of husband going out.....years ago my husband used to do the same thing. He would go out with someone and I would ask him when he was coming home. He would say I don't know or he would say around let's say 11:00. Well 11:00 would roll around - my husband was no where to be found. At the time, we didn't have cell phones and I had no way of contacting him.

You think he would call and say he was going to be late - of course not. He deliberately wouldn't call because then I would tell him to come home. So......I didn't know if he was just drinking with his friends or he was lying in a ditch dead. We had so many fights about this.....he finally stopped doing this. Now, he does call me and say he's going to be late. Although last year when he told me he was going to be late, that he was working, was a lie anyway - but at least I knew he wasn't dead.

Drexxell....I just want you to know that I went into my husband's office and I personally confronted the OW. At first she said she loved my husband - it was over, she didn’t want to hurt me – it just happened, blah, blah, blah - then she started getting nasty. She said she had her eye on him from the first day, she said to let him go – he didn’t love me, blah, blah. So my blood began to boil. I told her, "you ugly, wrinkly, big nosed, bit--, if I ever catch you catch you with my husband and it's other than business - I'm going to kick your skinny flat wrinkly a--. She better not ever, even call our house. I put the fear of God in her. I’m small, but I’m spunky.

She told my husband the next day that I was crazy and she would have never thought of going starting the A, if she knew that. I know you’re not supposed to do this – but I always feel this was the best thing I did – she knew how I felt about her. She was trying her best to be nice to him and get back into his life. The more my husband distanced himself from her – the madder she got. She did stay away from him - but she pressed harassment charges against him anyway to get even.

I wish I could have done the same thing and went and divulged his affair in the company – but for reasons I couldn’t. I commend you for doing that.

Talk to you later.....