Hi everyone
Thanks for all your kind thoughts. I was so angry last nignt. DD woke me up to tuck her back into bed at 3:30 AM I was so mad I couldnt get back to sleep. I literally wantd to punch him in the stomach. Really. Now normally my reaction in the middle of the night if I coulnd sleep it would have been crying but now I am p-off.

Csj
I have in the past during his guilty phase and especailly after 9-11 thought if he died in a plane while traveling could I do this? Yes. Was he always there for me? No. Where there times when I thought what the heck do I need him for I am doing everything anyway? Oh Ya!

But I never thought I seriously could lose his love for me. After I found out I realized how close I was to him giving up on us because of the fear and guilt that he had. I think those feelings made me so scared and nervous.

Now I am so disgusted by how weak he is. Last night he promised to keep trying to be there for me but he said he gets exhausted too. Well what does he think I am? Happy? I am far far from happy. relaxed? No way. I am so happy he is cured but come on shouldnt he be there for me being that he did this to us?

I think the times when I need him the most are when he bags out on me. That really makes me question who he really is. Is he just a fair weather friend? Am i expecting too much? He is so good to me in so many ways but if I bring him down forget it...hes done talking. I really dont think thats fair.

I understand he wants to move on I would too if I were him. Why not? Why focus so much energy on something we cant change. We are wasting time and energy on this when we have both decided to stay together.

I dont know but I do feel better after ranting and raving all this. Thanks!

F&L
Thanks for your post on the other thread I am going to print those out for him to read again at a later date!

And yes it is MISERABLE here. It has been dreary and raining pretty much steadily for a week. We are safe and the roads are fine here but in Northern MA everything is cancelled. Here we have had no baseball which means lots and lots of makeup games shoved into the next few weekends! Hope you are all well.
HF

Good morning All,

Drexxel, Hope your night went well with your W...Now it is up to her to get out of the fog...You did the right thing by exposing to her commander. One day she will thank you for it. Maybe not today, but one day...

CSJ, Hopingfor, and F&L, I agree with all of you on being able to make it on my own. All four of us have had to be the single mom while being married. I would say to my H last year, I feel like I don't have a husband...Of course, he would get mad at me for saying this, but it was true. So what do I need him for? I do it all by myself anyway...Like F&L says, maybe for sex...but not necessarily <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> . I know that I could make it on my own and would probably be better off... But like HF says, I don't want to. I also had no idea how close it was that I lost his love due to OW. I will never know the full story of the A...if he really did love her...He will never admit it if he did.. I also feel like my M is tainted. I know alot of WS say "I love you but I'm not in love with you"...this is how I feel...I feel like, when do I get to feel in love with someone again?? He had that feeling during his A...maybe it wasn't love, it was lust and infatuation, but he put alot of effort into it, and gave her alot of attention. None of this is he giving me now, and that is what hurts.

I would expect that if I was the FWS, that I would be trying to make it up to my H by being more loving and attentive, instead of withdrawing from me. I am the one that hugs him first, kisses him goodnight.. He is not fulfilling any of my ENs while I try to fulfill his ENs.

Sad & Confused, maybe you can help me out here with this reaction as you are the FWS...Is it guilt? that he feels unworthy? I don't know...

HF, You and I have posted for awhile so you know that my H was not there when I needed him on many occasions...During this pregnancy, he went to maybe 3 prenatal appts. I had to practically drag him to the ultrasound appt when we were to find out if it was a boy or girl...And this from a man who was so excited to have another baby...I guess he thought I was so strong that I didn't need him...

Bottom line is that of course we all CAN make it on our own. We are choosing to give our Ms a second chance (or more) in the hopes that our Ms will recover and can become better than they were after the A. We have hope...But depending on where you are in the recovery process, we do have to go through stages. HF, you are going through the ANGER stage now. It is not fun, it is not pretty, but you will get through it. And you are justified in your anger, you have a right to it...Your H doesn't want to see your anger--he is afraid of it. When you were sitting around crying and feeling sorry for yourself, it made him feel guilty so he wanted you to move on. Now that he sees you are angry, he is scared that you want to move on...and away from him. He knows that you can make it on your own and that terrifies him, that he will lose you and his family after all....

Gotta get to work , will check back later.

Morning everyone!

I heard about the rain back east just this morning--oi vei! That sound like it's really miserable for all of you in that neck of the woods. We had quite a bit in April, but nothing like that. We are dealing instead with record highs--it has been almost 90 for several days running.

HF-I saw another thread in the GQ forum that was kind-of a response to KiwiJ's "not in a million years" (did you read that one? it freaked me out that after 3 years, she broke NC and was almost wisked away in an affair all over again . . . isn't there ever an end to these nightmares?). Anyway, there was a break in NC after 8 years (not on purpose) and this guy was explaining how he and his FWW came through everything just fine--they are stronger than ever, etc. But they had a terrible time in the beginning and a rough recovery. It made me feel a little more optimistic to see that there are big bumps along the way, but that a marriage really can be healed. Maybe that would give you a little lift to read that post, too. I hope so anyway.

I've got my trip with H coming up, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be a shot in the arm for us. We leave first thing tomorrow morning and will spend the first night in Durango, CO. We go from there to Santa Fe, NM for a few days, and then on to Los Cruces, NM, where my H's brother and his wife live. I hope it will be good for us to have some time, just the two of us. But I will miss my girls like crazy! They are staying with H's dad and step-mom though, so they will be in good hands and have lots of fun, I'm sure.

F&L, I think you're right, that many of the WH are just programmed the same way. They just want us to move on and forget it! I think part of it is the guilt that comes from being a WS in general, but then part of it is a "guy" thing. They can't deal with emotions like women do. (I realize this is a generalization and not true in every case--please take no offense Drexxel.) My H just panics if I cry. He stumbles around and stammers--finally has to just walk away. And he can't handle it at all if DD2 cries (she is VERY female that way--wears her heart on her sleeve and can be quite emotional). Whats the big deal? There is nothing wrong with being honest about the way that you feel.

Anyway, back to work. I'll check in later!

-C.

CSJ,

My H is a sucker for my daughter's tears...He tries not to be but he falls for it every time.

Wishing you the best for your trip....I hope you and your H have the time of your lives getting to know each other again...ENJOY!!!

MF-

My H is the same way! (Talk about two cavemen in the same cave . . .) And the danger in this is that he is inadvertantly training DD1 to be manipulative because she sees the reaction she gets out of crying. I keep telling him to just not react. Let her cry if she needs to, and let her learn to resolve her feelings on her own. That's how we all learn to be "big girls." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the good wishes on the trip. Maybe this will prove to be the miricle cure for mixed-up marriages! Here's hoping!

-C.

Hey, Dr. Harley does recommend that couples go away for a couple weeks after the fog has lifted to reconnect...and to get a head start on that 15 hours of couple time a week...:)

Good afternoon,

Hoping For....I'm going to give you a bit of advice...you're husband is not going to change...he will not understand why you can't get over this. Yes, he realizes he hurt you - but he just wants to move on. I went thru the same thing - even now my husband agrees with your husband. They just can't understand why you feel like you do.

I re-read your post to your husband on the other thread - am I to understand that he was the OW's boss??? How similar we all are in our little group. He probably won't post again - he'll get hit by too many 2 x 4's, like my husband did.

I went thru this for months and months - I finally gave up - all I did was make myself physically sick. No matter how I tried to tell him how upset I was - he thought I should just forget about what happened. Every time I would cry, be upset - he would say, "I'm here - I didn't leave you, I love you - what else do you want". He even threatened to leave if I didn't stop bringing up his affair. My husband didn’t even think he did anything wrong because he thought he had a reason – he was confused, didn’t know what he was doing - a mid-life crisis.

I drove myself crazy and I had to go on medication - which I never thought I would have to do. But, I became so depressed at times, angry, I thought I was going around in circles - I felt all the burden of what he had done - he didn't care about how hurt I was. I thought he was insensitive - how could he? But, time heals wounds - and you certainly have a big wound - so, it will take a long time.

Like one of us said - you are at the anger stage. I was so angry at times - I felt like slapping the crap out of him. He did all this and he didn't give two hoots about it - it was over, finished, done, that's it. His favorite expression was that I was a Drama Queen, On the Soap Box - that's how he got his screen name.

You just have to give it more time - but don't wait for him to change - he may never. They don't like to think about what they did because it makes them realize what a stupid thing they did - nobody like to feel stupid - and to be constantly reminded of how stupid they were - not that you're reminding him, but the subject does. So, if he doesn't talk about it - it's gone, never happened - life goes on as usual. You also have to think – in his mind – it was a long time ago - over 4 yrs ago, not now. So he’s thinking it was so far in the past – that also makes a difference to him.

You’ve got to be stronger….don’t give up. You’ve only known for 5-6 months – I know that seems like a lifetime – but it’s not. I still get upset – but at least now I can talk about it without getting upset.

No, it's the clan of the cavemen....ALL the cavemen in one cave...they all must be from the same clan.

The crying doesn't work with my husband -he thinks it's stupid - a woman thing - doesn't understand why we cry all the time and complain - it worked with my dad though when I was little.

CSJ....have a good trip...don't do anything I wouldn't do!!!

Well, a quick check in before I'm off for the night. I'll have lots of news to catch up on when I get back!

HF-
I agree with F&L that a large chunk of what you're seeing is that the A is "old news" to your H. He left it behind him and wants so very much for you to as well. My H sees it quite the same, as his A was over by the time I found out about it, just like in your situation. (Although it hadn't been over for as long . . . .) They were happy as pigs in sh*t to have it over and not have been caught--I truly believe my H would have taken it to the grave if given the chance. This truly may be something that never changes with him.

But there are other things that can change--and maybe that will make the difference for you. All the "recovered" people I see posting say it takes 2 years to work through much of the emotional garbage, so just pace yourself. Try not to expect too much at once, and try to explain to your H that he can't expect too much right away either. He needs to let you work through your emotions, and he needs to work towards supporting your EN's in the meantime.

F&L-I will try very hard to not do anything you wouldn't do. Could you give me an idea exactly what that excludes . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have a good week!
-C.

Drexxel,

How did your talk go with your W? I'm on pins and needles here...

Well, yup, she was angry, but not terribly so, or at least not that she's really shown me. She didn't (later found out couldn't) talk to me for about an hour after she got home yesterday. Eventually, we talked some. I had promised her I would go on a run with her yesterday. She didn't want to go. I was like, "Look. I'm all decked out in my work out clothes, all psyched out for a run. I'm going to go run. You can come if you want to." She said, "Ok. ok. I'll be there in a minute." She made me run an extra lap. LOL

She hasn't turned down any of my affections, except she wouldn't give me a hug last night, but let me hug her this morning. I thought WW III was going to start about 2:30 this morning. My body pillow was falling off the bed and in my sleepy struggle with it, I flung it across the bed and hit wife with it. She was like, "WTF!" It's all ok now. We've got MC tonight and I've got IC tomorrow.

I sent her an e-mail this morning, and no sooner than I sent it, the school called and said DS6 had fallen off the monkey bars onto his face, but he was ok. I fired off another e-mail to wife repeating what the nurse had told me on the phone, then went to the school to get a look at DS6 for myself. While I was getting my shoes, wife sends back an e-mail saying call her if he's hurt or whatever.

So, I get to the school. DS6 is fine, complaining that the ice pack on his face is too cold. He's going to have some freckled bruising, but other than getting some dirt in his mouth, he's going to be ok. I sat down in the nurses office and put DS6 in my lap and said, "Mommy is worried about you. Would you like to talk to her?" Of course he does, so I call wife on the phone, fill her in, let them talk. At the end she tells me, "Thank you for calling me. I really appreciate that." Sooo, maybe things aren't too bad. Maybe they are. Hard to tell.

As far as me giving "caveman classes". It's like this. One can't learn a thing about chivalry when one is still fascinated by fire. Furthermore, I'm NOT the perfect husband by any means. I do appreciate you guys thinking that I'm such a good person and all. I share a certain amount of responsibility for my current situation too, you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Give your own caveman classes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Inteitionally have your hands full when you walk up to a door with your H. Just look at him and bat your eyes. He won't want to look like a jerk, so he'll open the door. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Do this enough, it becomes habit for him to open the door. You ladies can motivate your husbands to change their habits and behaviors, really you can, if you start being creative and simple. You get complex, you'll cornfuzz the dumb caveman. He won't understand the firepower of a rifle, but he'll know what a sharp stick is.

And just because he wants to sit around and sulk or whatever, doesn't mean you can't go have fun with the kids. Wife didn't want to have family game night on Monday. (That's something we just started doing) I told her, "The kids are really looking forward to playing games with us. Besides, they want a rematch for the butt whipping you handed them last week." She still didn't want to play until the kids started talking about what games they wanted to play, nagging mom about it, etc. She still didn't want to play, but was laughing and having a fun time almost right away. That's when we discovered that DS6 "knows the rules and is a big boy". What that translates into is, he's a shark at UNO. I told him, "Play a red one or play a 6." He looks at me and grins and says, "Or, daddy, I can play this." and plops down a Draw 4.

You gotta make it inviting and inticing. What father or mother, worth his/her own weight in salted oats, would sit and watch his kids having fun with mom and not want to get in on the action? This part is all about you having fun and being a better you, right? If WS decides to tag along, that's great! You just gotta do two things. Make yourself a more appealing option than leaving AND break the codependency that you have. Show yourself (and ultimately WS) that you can live without him/her and you don't need him/her to have a fun time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll make an agreement with you all. You keep me in line and give me a womans point of view and I'll give you my point of view as a guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, Drex, you got a deal..:)

I agree with you wholeheartedly about enticing the other spouse to WANT to spend time with you and the kids. I have done a similar thing as you with the game night (good idea, by the way), only with the playground. My kids LOVE to go to the playground. A couple wks ago on a nice Friday night, we came home, asked H to go to playground with us. He didn't want to go. I told him that we were going, kids were looking forward to it, beautiful weather, etc. Couldn't get him to come along. So we went, were there for about half an hour...guess who shows up?? Yep, H...He says, I realized it wasn't any fun being at home alone....

And you are right on when you say change our behavior and he will change. I noticed that when I started telling him how much I appreciated certain things that he did (cooking a terrific meal, changing a diaper, etc) instead of Expecting him to do these things, he would do them willingly...I just have to do this more and more often.

Your W seems to be pretty receptive to spending time w/ you (the run, the game night), and to your affection most of the time. This is a good sign. She is not withdrawing into her cave (yes, caveWOMEN go into caves too LOL)...Plus you involved her in the little emergency for your son, and that was very good...She told you she appreciated your calling her.. That is a nice Love Bank Deposit for you...and she is meeting your EN for Admiration...

What you are doing is working...just keep it up.!

Hi everyone!
Hey Drex I am so happy for you sounds like things are going well for you!

Let me ask you other BS a question...did you go thru a disgusted phase? I think my angry phase is turning to disgust.

All thru this he has said to me "you are a better person" and I always thought oh that the guilt talking. Honestly now I am so disgusted with him I am starting to believe him. I know thats wrong I am not better than anyone but I would NEVER NEVER have done this. I couldnt have hurt him like this. I especially couldnt have lied to him all this time. I always thought so much more of us and him. I guess that was just my perception of us and him. Its so hard for meto accept I was wrong about that. Feels like my whole life is different now.

We are differnt people and that is so evident to me now. How can I forgive all these lies? All these years. At first I thought it was good he carried that guilt and it proved to me that he felt guilty. Now I think how the h$ll could he live that lie? Communicate with her thru email here and there? Wasnt I his best friend? How can you keep such a huge secret from your best friend? Didnt he feel tremendously guilty? Bleck. I am so disgusted.

I am sooooo not happy with this situation and how he has dealt with me lately. Im so angry and becoming so numb to him. Feels like I was so in love with him last week! I should go back and read last weeks posts maybe I can muster up a hello when he gets home haha!

Anyway thanks for letting me vent it all out! Ive been doing that a lot lately. Hope everyone else is a "happier place".
HF

MC completely sucked. wife dropped emotional bombs one after the other. Everything is all my fault, you see. I don't think I have anything left to give. I'm even out of tears. I have never heard such mean wicked things. She just started taking ADs tonight. Maybe it will help her, who knows. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. I'm tired of the lies, the blame, the hurt. Tired of it being my fault. Tired of pouring my soul into her happiness just to have it spit on.

OM was the "only person she could talk to" and now I took that away from her. She "hates" me. Can't stand to look at me, etc etc etc. "I may have taken OM out of her life, but I didn't take him out of her heart." Yadda yadda blah blah. Then, everything she could remember that I ever did wrong, she's bringing it up. Last week she says she didn't have any unwrinkled blouses to wear to MC so this week I iron all but 2 of them and she still wears a flippin t-shirt. I'm losing love and losing it fast.

I really don't know if this is worth doing any more. I can't deal with this mean hateful wicked stuff. I am out of patience. I'm tired of not being allowed to feel or hurt or be angry because it'll make her mad. I'm just tired.

(((Drex)))

I wish I was in a better place to offer you encouragement but I am having these same thoughts.

Does your W have IC also?

It seems we are to give so much sometimes. I am tired too. I am so upset tonite and I can hear him snoring away peacefully on the couch.

You are a good man and I hope your W comes to her senses before it is too late.
Have a peaceful night. Tomorrow is a new day.
HF

I dunno if she does or not. She hardly talks with me since I "got her in trouble" and "tattled" to her commander. I know, it's only been 72 hours since NC and she's in withdrawal big time. I know she's in withdrawal because she was calling out OM name in her sleep last night. I thought I was going to vomit.

She lets me show her affection in private, but not in MC office. We were all snuggled up in bed last night, literally intertwined. It felt good for me to be that close to her, but I don't know what she was thinking, fantascizing, whatever. Then this morning it's back to not talking much, "I'm ready so I might as well leave early for work."

In MC last night she says, "It makes me so angry that NOW, after all this time, you do all this stuff to make me happy. Every time you do even the smallest thing that's nice, it makes me angry." I said, "Should I stop doing them because they make you angry?" She says, "I wouldn't advise it!" Somebody tell me what the heck that means...

Drex
That sounds like a girl thing to say. She certainly sounds angry with you and even though it makes her feel good for you to be nice YOU remind her of her anger.

She is a tough case for sure. One step forward two steps back. As long as NC is in place you are moving in the right direction. I can see why you are getting discouraged though. You have been strong a long time. I hope you have a better day today. Me too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
HF

I just e-mailed her this letter.

Maybe this will help some. I dunno.

Hi Drexxell and Hoping For,

Just want you guys to know that all the WS's shift the blame on us......I have come to realize that they all do this. I think it's because they realize how horrible it is what they did to us. It takes some of the guilt, shame away from them.

Also, they all think they were better able to communicate with the other person.....but did they take the time to communicate with you....NO. I'm sure if they sat down with us and said, "Look I really need to talk to you - I'm having problems - I have needs that I think you need to work on a little more- anything". When my husband did "his thing" - you don't know how many times I asked him to talk to me - what's wrong - why are you arguing with me - do you need to go to counseling - please talk to me". His answer was always nothing is wrong - I'm fine - I don't have any problems. But, yet he told me he had to talk to the OW - she was the only one that listened to him. THIS IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO JUSTIFY THE AFFAIR.

I don't care how busy you are with children, work - if your spouse told you there was something seriously wrong - you would try to correct it. All that baloney that you didn't understand, you weren't meeting their emotional needs, etc. - were they meeting yours - or were they driving you crazy - doing what they were doing?

Even when my husband and I went to MC - he tried to shift the blame on me - how he was confused, I didn't understand him, I WAS CONTROLLING - that's a joke, I treated him like a child - all this stuff. Luckily, the MC saw right thru this and said he was wrong - nothing justifies an affair.

The MC told my husband he had a lot of issues and he had to deal with them in the marriage - going outside of the marriage didn't help anything - it was running away from the problems. Our MC was very good - I knew in my heart that I had not mistreated my husband - I was always there for him - I didn't ignore him - worked my fingers to the bone for him - the MC made my husband realize this - I could never do this.

Sometimes, it takes someone completely unbiased to make someone comprehend that they have been thinking completely wrong for a long time.

When I told my husband to end the affair - he did - he told her the next day. But, he still insisted on working right next to her for the next 10 months. Even though he had the affair - he still wanted to call "all the shots". He was giving me all the ultimatums. You guys also have to realize that even though they did this - once it's over - they want to go back to normal, like nothing happened.

They will not understand why you are still upset. If the affair is finished - why harp on it? My husband still feels like this. We just had an argument 2 days ago about this. He said he was sick and tired of me complaining, nagging him about the past - do I want him to leave or what? I can't even mention anything that even relates to the affair or he gets pissed off.

Drex.....I think your wife gets angry when your nice to her because it makes her realize that your a good guy.....which then doesn't justify her affair - you're not supposed to be kind, sweet, romantic, understanding. If you are - then why would she have an affair? Your wife is still grieving from the affair - she wants to set the rules. She's telling you better be nice to her or she'll be angry - you don't wnt to see her angry. WS spouses always make threats. By threatening - they feel in control - but you know they're not. She's mixed up about her feelings. But, I told you before your wife has deep rooted problems - which need to be found out.

You iron shirts/blouses!!!! If a shirt gets wrinkled on the hanger - my husband throws it in top shelf in the closet! We have a hamper right in the closet - instead of throwing his stuff in there - he piles his stuff on the top shelf of the closet. I went and took everything down from there about 2 months ago and he had 3 prs. of shorts, a couple of tank tops and some swim trunks up there. Mind you, he does fold them - but they're dirty clothes!!! and we just started to have warm weather.

I started laying down the red cedar mulch in the flower beds and started on the 5 ton of stones - have to also be laid down in the landscaping areas. Pool is finally cleaned - it's 55 degrees. Will do some more tomorrow. Have to go see my dad today - Drex, if you don't know my dad has Advanced Parkinson's - I used to care for him - but it became too much - he's in a ursing home now - that's why I go see him all the time.

Hoping For.....like I told you before...your husband just wants to sweep this under the rug....it happened years ago...so he figures why do you keep bringing it up. He probably will not change his attitude. If it happened 5 yrs. ago - he probably forgot about the OW already - but the guilt made him confess. HE JUST WANTS TO FORGET.

I know how you feel....we all feel like that....we can't forget....it takes a long time. Yes, you have periods of being ok, then anger, disgust, depression - mood swings. I don't want to suggest this - but did you ever think of taking an anti-depression medication. I had to - it helped with all the mood swings and anxiety attacks. Many of them are not habit forming. I took then for about 4 months and now I stopped. I had to take them because I was always angry, upset, depressed many times for no reason. I am normally a happy-go-lucky person - it was not me - so I had to do something about it. I was turning into an ogre.

No matter how much you try to tell them how hurt,upset or angry you are - they will not understand. They could only understand if this happened to them.

Oprah is having a discussion today on infidelity - married people cheating on spouses with best friends. Should be interesting - may give some insight to us. Channel 7 at 4:00 pm.

Drex
Well said. I hope it melts away the anger. I agree with F&L
Drex.....I think your wife gets angry when your nice to her because it makes her realize that your a good guy.....which then doesn't justify her affair - you're not supposed to be kind, sweet, romantic, understanding. If you are - then why would she have an affair? Your wife is still grieving from the affair - she wants to set the rules. She's telling you better be nice to her or she'll be angry - you don't wnt to see her angry. WS spouses always make threats. By threatening - they feel in control - but you know they're not. She's mixed up about her feelings. But, I told you before your wife has deep rooted problems - which need to be found out.

Sorry I dont understand the box thing but the above paragraph makes so much sense I wanted to highlight it. It is so true. I think the WS feels very much out of control and this is one way of proving to herself that she is worthy of your love. If she has you jumping thru hoops then she must be worth all the agravaation she caused.

My H and I are struggling with this too. I cant understand how he could have been so mean after the A was over and how now whenever I get angry about what has happened he turns angry himself I expect him to grovel for forgiveness I guess. Someday I hope it will click to me that it was never about me it was his insecurities not my inadaquacies. He feels very unworthy of my love and my anger scares him so much no matter how many times I tell him I need to blow off steam it doesnt help.

F&L
Wasnt Oprah good? It made so much sense to me. Anyway my general practicioner put me on wellbutrin but my MC offered me stronger drugs. I hate to take anything. Its not going to make me "happy" right? Just not soooo sad right? My H said to try them but I am not a big pill person just vitamins and I do take the wellbutrin everyday I dont know if it does anything I dont notice achange if I dont take it. I hate to even take advil. What did you take and what did it do?

Well gotta go speak with all in the am
HF

Hoping For,

We are all struggling with the same thing…...not only you.

Oprah's special had me glued to the tv. The guy that cheated on his wife with her friend could have been my husband - except his OW wasn't my friend. Everything he said, my husband said.

Oprah asked, "Didn't you think you would hurt your wife by doing this?" He said no, never thought about it. My husband said the same thing. How could they not? He told Oprah how he bought the OW into their home - while he was having the affair. My husband did the same thing - we had a Memorial Day picnic for the office people - he invited her, had already had a PA with her - I kissed her hello and goodbye -what a slap in the face – I’m sure even the people at the picnic knew he was having the affair – they all worked in a small dept.

The doctor on the show - I forget her name - asked, "Why do you want to hurt someone like this - you must have had something happen in your past to do something like this - you must be very angry at someone?" At first he said, “I love my mom and dad.” The doctor asked again, “What makes you so angry?” Then how he replied bought tears to my eyes.

He said, "I hated the way my dad controlled my mom, the way he talked to her, he didn’t listen to her “– he had tears in his eyes. This could have been my husband talking. His dad did the same thing to his mom. The doctor said many men hate the way their fathers treat their moms, but when they grow up - they have so much anger - they do the same thing. It is all so true. My husband always told me he never wanted to be like his dad - yet, he is so much like him.

The doctor said the things children see in their families growing up gets deep rooted in their minds – molding them into their adult years. If they see abuse, no matter how they try not to do the same thing – they still do. So true!!!!!

The guy said he wanted to be in control of his life – no one telling him what to do, no responsibility, felt like he was in a box in the marriage, the OW built up his ego. Everything he said - it was like a replay of our situation. The doctor told him he was in a fantasy when he was in the affair - just like we always say. If the affair was put into real life situations - it would never last.

His wife just sat there - I could see the hurt on her face - she was trying to be calm and not cry - but I could see the hurt. It was as if she couldn't say anything. It was almost as if it was me. She said she loved her husband, after all this.

Then they had the OW's version - also like mine - this OW worked with the other married man. How it started - same thing, as our situation. I hate to say it - I didn't really feel sorry for her. I saw her crying - but it just bought back bitter, hurtful memories. The guy was married - why do this? All the same stuff, sneaking around, etc.

Yes, it was a very good show, but it hit me hard! Too many similarities. I know MamaFish was traveling yesterday….too bad she couldn’t watch it.

Hoping For.....I used to take Zoloft....it takes about 2-3 weeks to start to kick in. You may not even realize it's working.....but it is. You need to take it for several months....all you will notice is that you're not so on edge. It doesn't make you woozy or anything. Once you take it regularly, if you miss a pill, nothing will happen, because it's already in your system. It's not like one of those pills that you take just when you are upset - you have to take these every day – don’t stop taking them if you feel better.

You will still get upset; it doesn't stop you from doing that. It just makes you a bit calmer and not getting those ups and downs so often. I didn't take Wellbutrin, but I think it's the same. You have to watch though; some of these AD's make you gain weight. The Zoloft was good for me. You should take these for at least 6 months.

They are not habit forming. I stopped taking the Zoloft with no problem. I just forgot to take it one day and then I said to myself, let me see if anything happens and nothing did. I don't like to take any medication either. I have Osteoarthritis and all I take is Advil for it. I was in 2 big accidents and screwed up my neck and back - when you get older you develop scar tissue. The doctor gave me Cellebrex for it - it doesn't even do anything, so I don't take it. The best thing for this is exercise.

Talk to you later.