Hi Everyone,

Back in the office today. I wish I watched Oprah. Actually, I wish my H watched it. From what you have said of the show, it sounds just like my H also. He didn't think of me at all, figured what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me, tried to solve our problems by running to someone else instead of talking to me, and the big thing too, is doing what his father did to his mother...He realizes this part--says he never wanted to be like his dad and here he is, doing the same thing.

F& L is right about it all. The WS has to justify the A by portraying the BS as so terrible that they had no choice but to do what they did. This is the fog talking. They all say the same things, like a script they follow...If my H had only said to me, look we aren't having sex as much as I want/ need, and by the way, there's this young woman coming on to me all the time at work...well, of course, I would have changed my behavior right away. The WS doesn't give the BS the OPPORTUNITY to change behavior--they make the decision on their own to have an A... And then they change their values/beliefs to justify it all, even rewriting the history of the M if it makes them feel better. And I also asked my H many many times what was wrong...they do not want to admit the A, because then they have to see your pain. It's there, it's not something they can escape from anymore...

Drexxel,
I am sorry for all that you are going through, but it comes with recovery. Your W is still in withdrawal/fog/whatever you want to call it...You have to be patient and try to keep doing the nice things, even if they make her angry. She is angry because she doesn't feel like she deserves to be treated so well by you. This is the same w/ my H. He finds it hard to accept my love because he doesn't feel worthy of it.

The letter you wrote was beautiful and I'm sure it will touch your W...but she still may feel "smothered" because she doesn't feel like she deserves you...You are the better person here too.

I can't add much to what HF and F&L said to you...Just that, if you know that you did everything you could do to rebuild your M, you will have a clear conscience. By being the nice guy that you are, you are doing what you can do. You just need to be patient while your W gets out of withdrawal, I think they say it takes about 6 wks. Just take it one day at a time and use this time to focus on you and what you can do to be a better person.

Hopinfor,
My H said the same thing to be about me being a better person than he is...He said he would never doubt my love for him again after all this. The guilt that he was carrying around for so long burdened him, now he feels free of it...but like I said before, he just wants to forget. Maybe he even thinks it was better when you didn't know about it...But of course, it is better that you know, so that you can deal with the problems, and move forward.

I have not been put on ADs, but sometimes I think I should have looked into this. F&L is right--you have to take them every day even if you don't see a difference. My H is on Welbutrin and it takes a few weeks to really see a big difference. It builds up in your system, so you have to take it consistently...I don't know if you smoke, but my H does, and one benefit of this is that he doesn't smoke as much. (they also use welbutrin as a stop smoking aid)...He would like to quit but is going through so much now, that that won't be happening soon.

Have a good weekend All...Hang in there...

<grinz> Can I brag about my weekend? Friday night, dance lessons, followed by about 4 hours of dancing. Saturday night, dinner at Olive Garden with the Kiddos, <clears throat> feeding one another desert. She actually compared it to our wedding day! Sunday, a few hours of intense conversation, a few tears, a couple of new (good) discoveries. Last night, I won't share. That's just for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all for being so supportive. We still have a lot of work, but this last weekend was just fantastic and I can hardly contain myself. The last three days with my wife were a nice step in the right direction. It's going to be a good week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ummm, about this...


I had smoked for 13 years. Discovery was 3-29-06. I quit smoking 3-31-06. Just put it down, cold turkey. I think clearer, smell better and my wife isn't on me about it. Tell your H if it's a LB for you, he better put it down. It was a LB for my wife and I knew it and I was selfish anyway. Not a good thing. (In my own defense, it wasn't a LB when we were dating and got married, etc. Only a couple years later did that start.)

I'll guarantee you that if your Hs marriage depended on him quitting smoking, he'd do it. He has the benefit of Welbutrin. Tell him you want to be his vice. You smell better, you're non cancer forming, he doesn't have to pay tax for you, he can take you into restaurants and public buildings AND when you're smokin, baby, he's gonna need all the air he can get. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Drexxel,

Well, I am so happy to hear about your terrific weekend...that is great news!! I think you are wll on your way now...

Thanks for the laughs too, your comments about my H giving up smoking. I will bring this up to him tonight, just how you said it instead of nagging him about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...Yes, it is an LB for me...It was when we were dating too, but I didn't actively try to get him to quit until we had our first child. He has tried to quit a few times, but during stressful times, like now, he does it more...

Our weekend was busy--soccer and tball on Sat. My H had a bad toothache over the weekend so was kind of grumpy until yesterday. The weather here is getting nice, so we were outside alot yesterday too.

My H had a "revelation" on Sat night. I have talked on here before about how he criticised me a lot during his A. Nothing was ever good enough, or done right...Well on Sat night he said he realized that he has said a lot of hurtful things to me without realizing how much they hurt me. He said his mother was always like that, and he is going to try to be more aware and bite his tongue and think before he says things to me...So far, so good...He is always on my case about me being on time for things (I tend to be late or ontime for work, etc while he is early)...So we'll see if this is a permanent change, or will just last a day or so.

Hope everyone else is doing okay. It's a good sign that none of us were on here over the weekend...

Will check back later,
C

Good morning everyone,

My e-mail is down - I haven't been able to use it this morning - haven't seen my e-mails since Friday - don't use the computer much on the weekend.

Hey Drexxell, I didn't see what kind of dancing you do - is it Country Western - since you're down south - that's great. Good to hear things are going a bit better for you.

MF, a little history about how I came here....
In 1956 the Hungarian people revolted against the Russian communist rule. It was a revolution - many thousands of people got killed. Russian tanks roamed thru the Hungarian streets, killing people on the spot. The Hungarian people appealed to the US to help them – the only thing President Eisenhower did was to let x-amount of people come into the US for the next several years without any question, under the political asylum laws at the time.

There was only one hitch - you had to escape across the Hungarian border into Austria - you couldn't just leave the country. If you got caught - you go shot! My parents and I (I have no siblings) were included in those people that escaped in the late 1950's – early 1960’s - I was just a tiny kid. My family managed to escape - me crying all the way, because I was tired and hungry -we escaped with only the clothes on our back. I remember it was so cold my eyelashes froze, because I was crying. I remember my mom telling me that I had to be quiet, couldn’t make any noise – but I was so cold and tired – all I did was cry. We lost my dad in the escape. We turned around and he was gone – we didn’t know where he went. We kept on going though – no time to stop. We got to Austria – were put on a plane, headed for the US.

We came to the US in a large group and we were sent to various parts of the US – us to NJ. We were sent to a Catholic Church, but they had room for us for only one day. So we were sent out into the street, in the middle of the night. Luckily, a police officer, who happened to have a Hungarian grandmother, ran into us. He put us up into a flea-bag motel for the night. I remember sitting on the bed and a puff of dust came off the bed. He came back the next day and brought my mother and I home to his wife – they were a young couple who couldn’t have children – so the wife loved me.

We lived with them for a year - this police officer helped locate my dad - he came a year later to be with us. You know I've always been a daddy's girl. I cried for my dad every day - not thinking how my mom felt. I was just a kid. I remember vividly, when I first saw my dad after a year – I saw him immediately out of a crowd of people and I ran to him – kissed him a million times.

Then we moved out on our own - none of us speaking English. My dad and mom went to work and I stayed home - till I was old enough to go to school. We had no money, that’s why I had the funny looking shoes and clothes that the kids made fun of - plus, I didn’t speak English. I entered school at 6 and that's where I learned to speak English. So, you see I only have a 1st grade level of Hungarian education, but I can read and write also.

My mom promised me that the first Christmas she would buy me a beautiful dress and shoes. She kept her promise – the first Christmas that we were all together – I got the red velvet dress with blue patent leather shoes. I thought I was a princess. Can you imagine a kid getting just a dress and shoes for Christmas thinking it’s the greatest gift in the world?

All my education was received in the US - I don't have an accent at all. In fact, people think I'm from NY - that's my accent.

So, I've given you and the others a bit of history. I told you I could write a book. Everyone, hold dearly what you have. Even if you only have a little - if you have your family and their love - you have a lot.

I won't be home this afternoon - I have to go to social security for my dad. They're a pain in the butt - everyone else accepts a letter for my power of attorney for him - but with them I have to go in person. You know how long that will take.

One more thing…thought you would like this. I bought a tank top from Penney’s – original price $59.99 (why anyone would pay that is beyond me) reduced to $2.77, yup, and I got an additional 10% off that – I bought it – figured it would fit one of my daughters. How’s that for shopping?

Got to go visit my dad before I go to social security.

Hi F&L,

Thank you for the history lesson and lesson of your childhood. What a miracle that you and your mother managed to escape, and then find your dad after all of that...what an experience to live through. No wonder you are so strong!

I did see the movie about the Hungarian revolution years ago (The Unbearable Lightness of Being, I think that's the title). I will have to rent it to watch again, now that I have a more personal view of it.

Good job on the tank top for sale...that's less than a gallon of gas around these parts...We are up to $3.06, and that is cheaper than it was last week. It goes up up up and then comes down.

Good luck at Soc Sec...hope you don't wait in line too long!

F&L,

Yes, lots of two stepping, waltzing, that kind of thing. Sometimes line dancing. We do it for multiple reasons. Lots of exercise. Good reason for physical contact. Happens to be a need of mine, just being touched, so it works out well. And we just have fun. When we dance, all serious discussion is strictly off limits. We have another rule. The bedroom isn't off limits for serious discussion, but the bed is. It's like being on "Base". (think back to playing tag in school)

MF,

The weekend was just fabulous. Wife is suffering from depression still, though. She took about 30 minutes of her lunch to call me this afternoon to let me know she's having a down day and just feeling bad in general. Second guessing last nights events a little. Nothing a little reassurance won't lift back up.

It's difficult when your emotional roller coaster isn't on the same track as your spouses. It has it's advantages and it's disadvantages, certainly. Today, she's down for whatever reason. I'm trying to learn that just because she's down, that doesn't mean it has a single thing to do with me. She's fighting with her own issues and I have to learn that I can't "fix" everything. Just be supportive, you know.

So, we're going to do a simple dinner tonight. I already made the chicken salad. I'm going to cut up veggies later. Bell peppers of various colors, cucumbers, carrots, celery and ranch dip. Kids love it, it's fairly easy, easy to clean up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Tomorrow night, though, it's breakfast for dinner night. Pancakes, bacon and eggs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> THEN my beautiful wife and I go out for some us time. A little dancing, a little singing.

Anywho, gotta get going here in a minute. She'll be home soon and I gotta be ready to run (literally). I think she's going to try to get me to do an extra lap today. I think it's awesome that she decided she'd rather do her personal PT at home with me than at the gym on base. That's part of the 15 hours, folks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then, we've got family game night tonight. Last monday, DS6 sharked us an Uno. It was hilarious. My wife said she didn't feel like playing games today. She said the same thing last week too and ended up laughing at the kids dropping DRAW 4s on each other. She'll play. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Everyone have a good night and I'll check in on you goofy goobers tomorrow!

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MF,

Just got back from Soc. Sec. - I had an appointment and I still had to wait an hour. Luckily, the man who took my information for my dad was very nice - the woman next to his cubicle was nasty - you should have heard her talking to people on the phone. Good thing I didn't have her. They only had enough parking spaces for 5 cars in front of the building - can you believe that - the rest was off street parking - none of course. I had to go a block down the street in a super market parking lot and walk. You'd think they would have more parking spots. They had every nationality in the building. This woman and I were probably the only Americans. The woman next to me didn't have an appointment - came in at 9:30 - she was still waiting at 1:30 to go in. Totally ridiculous.

It would be nice if you could find out the name of that movie about the Hungarian Revolution. Maybe I can find it in Blockbuster. I saw one movie a long time ago and it was so cool watching scenes from Hungary. I don't remember too much - only my house - I can still picture it in my mind. I remember I used to go to the next door neighbor and the man used to give me snacks to eat - the poor man got shot, just before we left.

You forget a lot of things - but tanks, guns, people getting shot at - you don't forget. What I remember the most is my eyelashes getting frozen - I kept crying cause I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't see. I must have been a real pain in the butt, crying all the time. My mom promised me if I kept quiet and I was a good little girl she would give me Hungarian money when we got to a safe place - and she did - couldn't really use it in the US - I still have it!

I did go thru a lot of crap during my life - that's why I love and appreciate everything I have - will not give in and let someone take what is mine.

Our gas is about the same - I go to Getty - it's a little cheaper than Exxon & Shell. I have SUV and last week it took $50 - can't say put in $10 anymore - doesn't even move the needle.

Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow.....

Drex,

You and I were posting at the same time. It's nice that you go dancing with your wife. I enjoy dancing so much, so my husband takes me out to a club every once in a while. It also shows him that I still attract other guys - keeps him in "check". When other guys come up to me and I turn them down - it kind of turns him on - makes him know I'm his - let the other guys eat their hearts out. I used to be really into dancing in the 80's. My partner (old boyfriend) and I won a couple of "hustle" dance competitions. I was really into the disco music - still am. Quickest way to lose 5 lbs. in a night.

My mom taught me to do ballroom dancing when I was very young and I guess I got the rhythm from her. My mom was an excellent dancer and she had a beautiful voice too. I can't sing to save my life. My dad met my mom when he was in the Hungarian army - she worked in something comparable to the USO in the US. My dad met her when she was "jitter bugging" to the big band sounds. He took one look at her and that was it - he fell in love with her - mmmmmm, maybe it was her legs!!!!

I loved what you said about your wife "my BEAUTIFUL wife" - what a nice thing to say.

Goofy Goobers, Hey!!!!"We're not the ones from the south!!! Keep being good/sweet to your wife - let her know you are better than anyone else - that she will want no one else. Keep cooking these meals - I love guys that can cook and you sing too - wow!!!

Take care,

Hi F&L,

I was right about the movie title...

The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988)

Plot Outline: In 1968, a Czech doctor with an active sex life meets a woman who wants monogamy, and then the Soviet invasion further disrupts their lives.

Daniel Day-Lewis, Juliette Binoche, Lena Olin star in this. You should be able to find it on Blockbuster.

I don't remember much about it..I like Daniel Day Lewis though--one of his first starring roles.

It's good that you had an appointment or you would have been there all day, like the other lady. Glad that you got things taken care of.

Drexxel,

Dinner and game night sound good to me. We have my son's tball game tonight. My H just came by to go get the girls at daycare, then it's on to the field. He didn't go to the game on Sat because of his toothache...

I like the idea of the bed being off limits for serious conversations...

I know exactly what you are saying about your W's depression and fighting her own demons. I'm in the same place. I try not to let his moods affect me and the kids, and just go on with or without him.

Well, no time now...gotta go...have a great night!

Just bumping this up for everyone.

Drexxel, Hope you had a great Game night and your wife joined in the fun...We went to Tball. My H says that he has to work with DS more on his hitting. He hits the Tee when he bats. H hasn't worked on this w/ him all season. We have breakfast for dinner sometimes too--kids love it and it's easy. Plus, you have leftovers for breakfast the next day!

Hi everyone
Only have a few minutes but wanted to check in. Everything has been going well for us here the past few days. I am still melting down here and there but H is handling me much better. We are soooooo busy this time of year with baseball its crazy! I hate it! We are definatly not geting our 15 hrs a week togethter and that stinks.

F&L
You truly have an incredible story. Its inspirational and does make me appreciate the "cushy" life I have. Thanks for your thoughts on the lie detector....boy I would LOVE to do that but I think just asking him and seeing his reaction would be telling!

Hey when does CSJ get back? I cant wait to hear how her vacation went!

Hope everyone is doing well. Going to MC today. Will keep you all updated!
HF

Hi everyone, it's me S&C....

I haven't written in a very long time. I really did want to help everyone as much as I could but I am at a point where I feel like I need to fix myself before trying to help others. I am a mess.

I just made an appointment for a pshycologist (sp?) for next Wednesday. We have a pretty detail discussion about what's been going on in my life. I told her I've been doing lots of research and I strongly feel that I am bi-polar. She asked me some questions and said that we'll get more into that possibility when I see her next week.

I am a mess, I can't cope at work, at home. Not sure if it's the guilt of what I have done or the fact that I just don't like myself anymore. I feel like sometimes all my thoughts run together in my mind and I have a very hard time making sense of it all.

The good news is my H has been so supportive of me....I wrote a note on his mirror last night, while he was working, that said..."I love you with every ounce of my being. love d xoxo" And this morning when I woke up he had written me a beautiful note "I love my beautiful wife more and more every day. love n xoxo".

What did I do to deserve him and such wonderful, beautiful daughters?

Sorry to vent! I don't think I'll be writing anytime soon, but I'll be back! I just need to work on myself now.

I hope that everyone is doing ok and know that you're all in my prayers.

Hi S&C,

Good for you, girl. I'm glad to hear that you are making yourself a priority. That is very important and very courageous of you to do. What you said about not liking yourself rings a bell for me. My H told me a few weeks ago that he hates everything about himself, that he looks in the mirror and has become everything he never wanted to be. It eats away at him. I am trying to be loving and supportive of him, as your H is of you. But he has withdrawn alot into his own shell and is fighting his demons on his own. He says, it's not about me, it's about him. So, I'm trying to work on myself too and not allow his moods to affect me and the kids. It's tough but I'm trying...Trying to show him that I love him and the kids love him no matter what. You are lucky to have your H supporting you right now. You made a mistake and you are taking steps to right the wrongs you have done...Check back in and let us know how you are doing--Good luck to you!

Hopingfor,

Glad to hear everything is going well and you are just busy...

CSJ is probably back from vacation today or tomorrow. She's probably busy so maybe she will check in w/ us later on.

Take care everyone,

Afternoon everyone!

I'm back from the sunny southwest! We had such a great time. So here is my trip report, in a nutshell:

We spent the first night in Durango, CO, which is kind-of a "wild west" town. We stayed in this lovely hotel that is on the National Register for Historic Places. It was built in 1887 and is furnished entirely in period furniture--making it one of the largest collections of antiques in the country! There was a lovely old saloon in the hotel, complete with lively western music and saloon girls. It made for lovely atmosphere, but seemed a little demeaning to the girls to be dressed like that, IMO.

The next two nights were in Santa Fe, NM, which is also lovely. There is lots of Indian culture mixed with Mexican also, so a lot of really great architecture, southwestern art, etc. We took in the atmosphere, bummed by the pool and relaxed, and ate really great food. And we even had a brush with fame! Willilam H. Macey stayed at our hotel (I am guessing his room was a bit fancier than ours) and he ate a salmon salad just a few feet away from us. He seemed very nice. Evidently he is doing a movie with John Travolta now (John was said to also be in the hotel, but I didn't catch a glimpse of him). Then we saw a limo pulling around front, so we were just pathetic enough to dash around to see who it was. Ray Liotta! I guess Ray is doing a different film (Cohen brothers producing/directing), but I'm not sure who else is in that one. There were other film folks there who are not big names--didn't recognize them. But they were carrying around scripts and talking about doing "night shoots" and stuff like that. One of them even struck up a conversation with us. He asked us about "Big Love" when he found out we were from Utah--made me laugh.

Then we drove on to Las Cruces to visit with H's brother and his family for a few days, and that was really nice. We got the grand tour of the border area down there (you could literally throw a rock into Mexico from there). It was sad at times, because as we were driving through El Paso you could see Juarez across the road, and it was just a hovel. It must be awful for those folks to see such an afluent American city within arms reach, but to be trapped in such poverty. But tragedy aside--I really enjoy the culture down there, and we had fun seeing the sights, and doing a little shopping.

Then we spent all day in the car driving back home. We left at 5 am and got back about 6:30 pm. Loooooooong day sitting in the car. But lots of pretty scenery.

I read F&L's post about her migration here from Hungary, and it was really interesting, because one of the books I read (sitting by the pool and sitting in the car) was about an Afghan refugee. It was called "The Kite Runner", if anyone is looking for a great book. Amazing, really. Fictional, but a lot of actual details about what has happened in that country through the Russian occupation, and then the Taliban rule. It deals with theme of redemption and forgiveness.

There was a quote towards the end that really hit me: "I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." I've been thinking a lot lately about how you can tell, in cases like ours, when the WS is forgiven. Because it's not a case where you can "forgive and forget." I will always remember. And I feel now like the marriage I had is a very dear friend who had died, and I will mourn it's loss forever. But when I read that I though, "yes--that's what it will feel like to forgive H for this . . ."

And I had plenty of time to for memories and thoughts to run around in my head. Which is not always a good thing. It takes so little to send my emotional rollar coaster on another ride. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. And the smallest flippant comment from my H makes me furious. I thought several times to myself while we were traveling (sometimes my H gets a bit cranky with the details of vacations and gets a bit snippy) "I don't know if I want to be married to you anymore." He has no clue how close to the edge I teeter sometimes.

When does that end, F&L???? You're about a year out--have you stopped thinking to yourself that maybe you'll still bail out? And I loved your recap of the Oprah episode! I hadn't thought of the "anger" issue before. And I wonder if there is some anger from my H towards his mother. She is a great lady, and has been wonderful to me. But she has some serious control issues. (H calls her "bossy" and even went so far as to tell his new Step-Father "watch out--she's bossy" after they got married. He really should have kept his nose out of that one, IMO.) But I do think that's where his stubborn independance comes from--he's not about to let his wife (or anyone else) boss him around. And now I am thinking that this really played into his A also. It was just another way to prove that he could do what he wants.

And MF-it sound like you were on the road a bit, too. Anwhere fun--or just for work (or both)?

But I'm glad to hear that others have made some progress! HF--you guys are doing alright. It's normal to have some mood swings--be disgusted with him. That's perfectly okay. He deserves to have a little disgust come his way. That is a consequence. And that is, of course, the reason he kept the whole thing to himself for so long! He wanted to avoid facing those consequences. My H was the very same. He was so ticked that the rumors bubbled to the surface after the A was already over! Sometimes I wonder if he is "like the thief who isn't sorry he stole, but is very, very, sorry that he's going to jail." (One of my favorite lines from "Gone With the Wind.")

And Drex--you guys are doing so well! I am glad to hear it. And you are PROFOUND! I love your insight about not being able to grasp chivalry "if you are still facinated by fire." You need to go on the lecture circuit or something! Or maybe write a book . . . Anyway, we're lucky to have the male point of view here. Keep it coming!

Anyway--I've been working on this for a bit, so I'll post and see what I've missed!

Later,
-C.

Hi Ladies & Gent,

Hoping For - I know we all would like to know what's truth and what is said that the WS thinks we want to hear. But, like I told you - you'll drive yourself crazy wondering which, is which. Yes, I did have a rough life, but now after a lot of hard work - I too, have a comfortable life.

I put in a lot of effort, time, love, hard work into my marriage - this is why I didn't give up. I loved my husband then and now. Because he did a stupid thing - I can't just throw him out the door. I know it's so hard for you to forget what he did - it takes a long time. But, just think if he left - would that accomplish anything? I'm sure you will miss him so much.

Just remember you don't need him to pay the bills, be a handy man - what you need him for is his love and support. These guys are all the same - they just want it to be over and done with - they want you to forget it ever happened. I know it seems they are not giving you this - but in their own way - I think they are. They are geared differently than us. If you love your husband - don't give up. How many times have we all posted with our ups and downs - we are all the same.

Sad and Confused.....I told you once before...we all make mistakes - that's what makes us human. If you are truly sorry for what you did and realize what a mistake you made - your husband will realize this. You will go thru bouts of depression, hurt and guilt and your spouse will also go thru his ups and downs.

I've come to realize nothing comes easy - just when you think you're at a certain point - you come to another obstacle. Your husband sounds like a great guy - treat him accordingly. He is deeply hurt and needs his ego built up - make him know he is better than anyone else - and you will not have anyone else.

Everyone deserves to have a loving family - don't be so hard on yourself. No one is perfect. The only thing you can do is make this day and the next days to come the rest of your life - it's your choice.

Counseling is very good - it did wonders for my husband. If someone can change his way of thinking - anyone can change. He had many deep rooted ideas and the MC made him see how wrong they were. But just remember, no one can change completely - the spouse has to accept that. Everyone has character flaws, that can't be changed - no matter how hard they try.

I was out all day getting shrubs for the garden. Had to buy a part for the pool. Last softball game tonight. Going to try and fire up the gas grill. I'm going outside to do some more yardwork.

Good night all.

Welcome back CSJ,

Glad you had a great vacation...I would love to go out West one day...I did travel out of CT for one day...drove to Long Island==yee ha! Passed by the NY Skyline on my way--it was a beautiful day. Not too much traffic either...It was nice to get out of the office for the day.

I also teeter totter at the edge of not wanting to be married to my H anymore. It just reminds me of during the A when he would tell me 'you don't know how close to divorce we are...the only thing keeping us together is the kids". Of course I really didn't know at the time...Funny how now this statment rings true for me saying it to him.

Listen to F&L everyone...She is the furthest along into recovery of all of us. She knows what she is talking about. She has given me the hope and strength to carry on for one more day...

CSJ,

Glad to hear you're back......I was posting at the same time.

I’ve always had a rough time….right from when I was little…that’s what makes me a fighter……you can’t take what’s mine….. I hold precious every little thing that I have…for once I had nothing. If you have love…..you have everything – nothing else matters……

The only time I thought things were over between my husband and I was in the beginning. At that point I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Didn't know if he loved the OW, wanted to leave me, didn't know a thing. I was so hurt and confused I couldn't think straight.

As the time went by I was able to think more logically. I realized my husband just made a terrible mistake - which he couldn't take back. It is so hard to forgive someone for doing this to you - but I had to. This is my 2nd marriage - I didn't want this one to fail. I was so determined. I know many people would have bailed out of this marriage because I didn't get all the nice treatment that the BS usually gets. In the beginning I got all the blame, all the ultimatums, the verbal abuse, everything thrown at me but the kitchen sink.

When my husband I posted on this site - you don't know how many people told me to tell him to leave the house, let him go, but I didn't give up. Everyone bashed him for the way he talked about me. He couldn’t see what he was doing was wrong – he thought he had a right to do it as a man. It took him quite a while to realize it isn’t right. I love this macho man with all my heart. I always felt I would be worse off without him, not because I need him to pay the bills; I need him because I love him.

The biggest problem that we had was that he refused to stop working with the OW – he felt there was nothing wrong with doing this. He had/has a lot of deep rooted macho attitudes handed down from his dad - I can't change this. But, I feel no one is perfect. No one has the perfect marriage and if they think they do - they are mistaken.

As time passed, things got better - even though he was still working with the OW. I knew in my heart that he was only having business contact with her. Don't get me wrong we still have fights - it's not a bed of roses. But, we both have that hot blood running thru our veins. Even though I am Hungarian – note, I am not a Gypsy! Neither one of us likes to give in. We’ve always been like this – fight – make up.

On June 10 - it's going to be 1 yr. that I confronted him about the affair. This spring was tough - because that's when he was going full force doing "his thing" - while I was left alone to handle everything. Spring is going fast - now summer will be here. I have to look forward to the future - can't dwell on the past - I have to constantly remind myself of this.

I realized all along that my husband was/is the one for me - it just took my husband a bit longer to realize I'm the one for him. The other night he did tell me I was "hot" and any guy would love to have me - made me feel good. My husband just has a hard time expressing his feelings.

Adios Amigos......

Last night was a pretty good time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We played Yahtzee. DD10 had the luck of the dice last night. DS14 can't grasp that it's not about the game we play, but the fact that we're spending time as a family unit that's important. Teenagers!!!

MF - How goes the no smoking thing with your hubby? I'm curious as to his response and how that whole exchange went. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

CSJ - Profound, eh? You better quit. My ego will swell and I won't get through to door. Then, you'll have to explain to my gorgeous wife why I can't take her dancing tonight. <grinz> Seriously, though, I just saw that as common sense. I don't get why more men don't understand that being more in touch with their feelings when they're with their woman almost always equates to "greater intimacy".

F&L - Awesome that your H tossed that compliment your way. If you make a big deal of it, he's likely to remember and do it again. Salt his oats. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

S&C - My wife is in a similar place to you emotionally. I think it's great that your husband is being so supportive. My only piece of advice to you at this time is to make sure you let him know how important it is to you that he's being so supportive. I want to share with you a quick story.

Yesterday, my adorable wife was having a down day. She called me at lunch and told me about it. I'm a fixer. Most men are. We get a problem, we fix it right. It was really hard for me yesterday to not try to take her problem and fix it.

Little did I know, something I did on the previous Friday would fix her problem. You see, she was driving home from work, listening to the radio. Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off comes on. Before she knew it, she's tapping her foot, singing along, and thinking about when I took her out dancing the Friday before. All the sudden, she wasn't having a down day any more.

As long as you're spending your time together like you're supposed to, things are going to sneak up on you. Good memories are going to be like the little nano droids on Star Trek and go deep inside you and "fix" things one by one. If your husband is a "fixer", he's got to learn to not try to do that. Well, at least not in the immediate sense. He'll fix it and not know he's doing it. The really cool part is that you've got to let him know that he doesn't know he's fixing stuff. When my wife told me what had cured her down day, I was literally at a loss. Finally I said, "That's so cool!". It was a tremendous boost to my self esteem (which I needed) AND it was a way for her to verbalize that she knew something we had done together made her happy. When you're having a down day, try to verbalize what makes you happy... specifically, what you and your hubby do or did together that caused you to feel happy.

Ok, everyone. What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells!. Ha! Now, everyone "nose" that smell is incredibly powerful as it relates to triggering emotions and memories. Do you want to have more 'up' days? Think back to your childhood, happy moments, gatherings, holidays, pies, parties. What smells were associated with those times? When I was in high school, I had a girlfriend. I would spend a good amount of time at her house doing homework or talking or whatever, but I remember that her mom's laundry always smelled SO good. The smell of that fabric softener brings endorphins into my system now. It doesn't make me want to be with my high school girl friend or anything like that, but there was a family and home setting there at her house that was comforting. It was safe. Now, I use that fabric softener.

Find your smell, ladies. What's your husbands smell? Cherry pie from the 4th of July celebration that was so special? Spend a few dollars to find the candle that matches it. Hot apple cider from that special Christmas? Put a couple drops of oil of cinnamon on your vaccum bag. You have more control over these things than you think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drex,

You're too funny! My husband loves Tequila - he's Spanish. That must be a southern song - I'm not familiar with them - catchy title. When my husband drinks Tequila it makes my clothes fall down also! Ha, Ha.

I used to be the same way when I was a kid and I would come home and smell what my dad was cooking - it smelled so good - especially if he was making strudel. If my mom was cooking that was another story - not a good cook.

My kids and my husband come in the door - they do the same thing - mmmmmm, smells good - is dinner ready? They could tell by the smell what's cooking. My kids are so picky - they know is I left something out of a recipe or cooked it different. I always value their opinion on new recipes.

I don't have to cook anyting special for my husband - he loves anything - that's the one thing I love about him. He always tells me, "I eat sh-- if you cook it and put it on a plate - if I'm hungry enough."

I love the way my husband smells just after his shower. Makes me want to cuddle next to him.

Got to go.....dinner is waiting....fried chicken tonight. It's very chilly here today - breezy. Will have to use the blanket tonight.