Why does that make today the day?

Her food stamp application may be denied...you are living together, correct?

Was thinking of you two nights ago.

LA

Seems like you have no relief...but you have pie.

Tough on the rush to split in your life...definitely affects our perspective...raises the fear...like a contagion.

Disheartens and riles.

Got gum?

LA

Sounds like your wife wants very much to heal from your EA...

I think so... Seems getting me out of the house and (possibly?/probably?) moving on is the way she intends to do it. I wonder if her BF mving awat soon has anything to do w/ her push to get me out the door? W/out the emotional support and time away from me that she has w/ BF, maybe she's decided that she can't deal w./ me being there w/ no one to turn to? She has started refusing to return hugs when I give them to her, whereas she was atleast doing that before. She won't talk to me only rarely, only after she filed that paperwork the other day did that change. She must have found comfort in that. I asked her to holdmy hand while I fell asleep last night... She said "I suppose" and did it, maybe only because she fell alseep before I did. otherwise she may have let go prematurely... I don't know. We wathced tv together last night too (after I woke up from my accidental nap). I came out a little teary eyed, she patted me asked me if I was ok then we watched the show. I put my hand on her leg, but she wasn't having it. Hot and Cold. All the time. More cold than hot though. Otherwise I probably wouldn't be mentally preparing to move out.

There was a message on the answering machine that got cut off this morning. She called me here at work to ask if it was me that left it... Some things she does, little ones/bigger ones let me know she may still care. I think though that the anger/the not being able to understand could get the best of her. She turned to OM for resolution when it was offered, sort of like I turned to OW when I had my meltdown and DW couldn't help me. The thing is, I'm not mad at her for turning to him anymore. I understand that I really shook up her life and crushed her emotionally when I lost it and thought I had to throw everything away to make things better. (Still can't stand him though...) Since I initiated things though, she's holding onto blaming me like there's no tomorrow. She made a comment to me about how she doesn't care if anyone thinks she's being a bad wife, or being unsupportive, and how every time she thinks of me being normal or being normal w/ me again all she can think about is the crap (OW and lies) and she just freaks out. She said she doesn'[t know if she can ever get past it and (will) never understand it. Just like I didn't understand it when she turned to OM last time, our relationship was messed up but we were both the cause and it's something I would "never" have done. Now I get it. Don't appreciate it, won't ever do it again myself, but I get it. Though, she's not sorry for that one either. Seems she's never sorry when she makes a "mistake"... She always finds a way to justify the things she does that hurt me, but lordy.. if I mess up I have to beg and plead to even have a chance of staying in the relationship.

Now, flip this over...you asking her why she had to bring another man friend into your marriage--that she should have come to you...and she says,

"I tried, but all you ever told me was to do something about how i felt and wasn't able to tell me how when i felt like I couldn't." Sounds like she would be blaming you, wouldn't it, for her choice?

Oh, she blames me alright. For all of this. Boy, can she hold a grudge. that's why i trhink I'm probably screwed. I can try to lead, but she is so independent and angry I'm going to be fighting one heck of a battle. She is the most head strong, stubborn person I have ever met. I'd add independent to that list, but before all this she was only independent sometimes.. ususally when she had to be. Otherwise she relied on me for alot. Companionship, daily tasks, etc... Now, she still asks me for help w/ certain things, but it's nothing that she couldn't ask anyon else for. I suppose it never weas then either... What it really comes down to is that she chose to ask me, whereas now she depends on other people to fill the void if she chooses to fill it.

This is why she is there, pulling away and staying...baking you a pie and cuddling, and telling you it's over...she hurts, Inf...

I know. So do I. Big time. She is fighting mad (and maybe sad), I'm fighting afraid and definitely sadder than sad. Sometimes it's hard for me to do or say the right thing at the right moment because I'm so darn conflicted myself. I love her, but she's crushing me and as you know I'm the type that has a hard time dealing. I took a slew of personality tests the other day. the were all fairly accurate. I wish I could show you the results, but it's not something that would normally be posted here. I gave them to DW because she said it's like she doesn't know me anymore. I don't know if she read them or not yet. As of late I think her pain has gotten quite a bit worse... Her comments are harsher, yet seem more natural when coming out her mouth. Like, I guess before they seemed to be said w/ intent whereas now it seems like they just flow w/ the rest of her words. I could be wrong. I'm a horrible judge of these things. Of people in general really. i think it comes from not being "normal". I can't read people because if I read them like I would read myself, I'm going to be way off in my assesment.

She is saying, "How could you" and you are saying back, "You made me." Now, I know you own what you did and why...she doesn't.

Are you saying that I said at some point that she made me do those things? If I did that was way off. I did what i did and she had nothing to do w/ any of it. She sees wht she's doing (or did?) but now sees more of what she wants and what I did to make her want it and taht takes precedence.

"I really let you down, really shook you up, didn't I? I have learned since my EA, the consequences of fearing more than loving. I wouldn't have expected you to stop me from my EA, like I did last year...I won't blame you for what is mine because it makes me feel better, only in the short run. I've learned you don't give me my feelings...they are mine."

I'm taking that one practically word for word to the bank baby. Great stuff. Got any more? I doubt the chnce to say that will rise in a conversation. we don't have many about the situation anymore. Would it be safe to leave it for her in a note... Saying it to her face may have a negative effect. I apologize and she says she is fully aware taht i am sorry, but it doesn't discount what I did. Leaving it for her to read... maybe that would give her cause to think about it because i wouldn't be there in her face "preaching" it to her. What do you think? I'm not good at choosing the best ways and times to convey my feelings. I tend to open up more in response to a situation, rather than just freely all the time. So, I say the right things at thw wrong times... usually when she least wants to hear it. Not always, but more so than not.

Now...this isn't for parting ways on the morning routine-type talk...I understand...when she says why...you say "I chose to hurt you and our marriage rather than own my stuff, DW...I won't do that again. I love you and I look forward to seeing you later--great pie!"

I say stuff similar to that. Sometimes at those exact moments. I'm not totally inept at the game of life. I think I have issues w/ her not believing what I say sometimes because I am so open to accepting anything told to me. I'm really gullible sometimes. People can egg me on and make me angry for fun, and do, and i rarely catch on because I'm so open to the idea that people are genuine and honest. Gets me into trouble. I read them as i would read myself (or how I prefer to be). Though i haven't been dishonest w/ anyone in quite sometime that I can recall.

Her not healing is not same crap, different day...her not healing is her responsibility and yours.

bah. I say the craziest things when I'm frustrated. Always reacting when I'm angry. I wasn't taht way so much until i met her and she took her issues out on me, now it's habit and i still don't catch myself doing it sometimes. I've noticed taht it's carried over to how i respond to everyone else when I';m angry too. Total habit. Scary. I hate it. It causes me alot of grief.

Time to lead, Inf.

I'm trying. I know that trying isn't an option... It's so much taht I;m trying, it's more that I'm doing it when it comes naturally or when I'm trying to make things right, but I slip when I'm reacting and set myself back.

Don't let stress take something away from you...figure out now that if this is what it takes, then shine, Inf...add to yourself.

Dead at 55. I'm trying to be less stressed, but I always pick the most stressful times to choose to stop. I'm also a habitual procrastinator... >:OP and good at convincing myself it's ok. You'd swear i have split personalities, only they are the same person. One is good, the other bad, one is smart, the other dumb... you get the point. Always very conflicted emotionally, only time seems to have afforded me less control?

That pie is good. I've eaten three quarters of it.. though it's been in place of lunch or soemtimes breakfast. Gotta love her.

LA

"You'd swear i have split personalities, only they are the same person. One is good, the other bad, one is smart, the other dumb... you get the point. Always very conflicted emotionally, only time seems to have afforded me less control?"

Why not give owning all of you...not good or bad...into one whole...the whole you are? Have you tried my Owning All Your Villagers Thread in Infidelity GQII forum?

LA