Thank you for the update, Inf...

Yeah, sorry I haven't been posting. Busy busy. I've been meaning to stick to the 10 days you've asked for, but I've been waiting until I had time for a decent reply.

I believe you are doing well. I don't think your desire to not have days like this is all that reasonable...sounds like you went a month without having one...wanting to eliminate them all doesn't sound realistic to me...almost like being sick all the time, then getting well for thirty days and having a sick day again might trigger feeling months of being sick, but it's just one day.

I'm doing alright. Good days and bad. She has them too. Some days we have conversations that are as normal as normal gets for now, others one or both of us doesn't have anything to say to the other, or worse... we have things to say that the other doesn't particularly want to hear. A month is an exaggertion... I just wasn't here posting about it. It's gone from a few times every day to about once or twice every other week. Big improvement IMO.

I'm of the Aquinas brigade that both are necessary...can't feel good without knowing what it's like to feel bad; one affects the other. Then again, once I learned what mourning really was, how healthy sorrow is, even my down moments became healing.

Makes alot of sense.

I have had issues w/ all that. I can be a little down in the dumps and still see the birghter side of life. There's a line though, and when I cross that line and get to a certain level of moodiness I get in a comfort zone, and someone trying to convince me to see the good in the bad only makes me more angry or hurt. I have to calm down on my own at that point or my mood only worsens. It takes alot of large issues over a long time, or one extremely sore one, over a really short time, (like OM) to get me there. I've been doing alot better w/ taht though lately like I said.
A moment to clear my head and I'm right as rain again.


I wish I had more time to think on things like that. I haven't had a day to myself in almost a month. I feel pretty run down at times, but manage to keep myself going. I should really start taking better care of myself... I need to cut down on the junk and get some rest. That was something WW always kind of either made me do, or did for me. This is an eye opening experience, being on my own. I cooked dinner for myself and my brother last night. Never thought I'd be doing that. Lots of other things too. It's kind of cool, and gives me a higher level of appreciation for everything W has done... but tiring.

I used up a lot of energy fighting what I couldn't control, including emotions I wasn't reading correctly. I don't fight information any more. I use a lot less energy that way.

I'm still finding it hard to seperate feelings and emotion from rational thoughts. W says something pertaining to us or her feelings and I'm jumping to conclusions that make sense to me, but don't really convey the point she was trying to make. I see that well after the fact, but can't tell spit from a hole in the ground when I'm in the moment. It's frustrating. Thankfully, I've gotten to a point where I don't insert my foot in my mouth when the wheels start turning 90% of the time. Really the only time I slip is when she mentions OM, and not every time. We have plenty of conversations that go well. Not in the direction I'd like them to go, but I'm not complaining either.

Thank you for caring about others and recommending this site...all the more kudos for you to have come and found it for yourself, I think. I believe we are led in life, to what we most desire...only if we're willing to be led. And here, you can take what you want and leave the rest, right?

I did find this place on my own. I was really grasping for straws that day, but I did it and am glad I did. This place has helped me out alot. You've helped me out trmendously. Thanx again. :O) I've still got some work to do, but I like to think I've made quite a bit of progress.

How's work? Would anything we talked about apply to your work relationships? Would that be something you're interested in exploring?

Work is work. I'd rather be outside in the sun having fun, than in an office being micro managed. I've been very antsy lately and would really like a vacation. I've never been one to appreciate the daily grind. At all. I get along really well w/ everyone here, aside from my Superviser. I avoid her when possible, but she's not very personable or approachable at times either. Work relationships have never been a problem for me. I think that's because my focus and priorities lie w/ my home life, I don't feel pressured to please co-workers and don't feel like they have any signifigant influence on the direction of my life. Jobs are replaceable, families aren't (or shouldn't be). Not that I'm still into pleasing all the time. What I'm trying to say is that if a co-worker has a problem w/ me I'll try to work it out, but if they don't get over it I'm not going to lose any sleep. If W has a problem w/ me, or another friend or family member does, then I'll put in some extra effort and try to resolve or compromise on the issue more than I normally would.

I'm delighted to know you're getting time with DD, and that you chose to give WW the anniversary card. And the upcoming bday gift. I really like your choosing to do this, not depending on her response.

Lots of time w/ DD. More than W is getting really. It's been getting harder to leave her.. for the both of us. She said something out of the blue to W the other day about my not being there and why. I miss them both every minute I'm not there. It's hard for me to concentrate on anything else.

I thought in NY you had to be separated one year before filing for divorce? Wouldn't that be Feb? I'm clueless on the legal stuff...I'm guessing. I think you can tell.

It is a year, and Feb would be correct. I'm not worried about the legal aspect of it all so much as I am concerned that she'll make the decision to go through w/ it, or something else at some point. I don't think about it much though. I've come to get it through my thick head that just because were not getting anywhere doesn't mean it's over. Besides... I think we might be getting somewhere. I'm just not sure which direction we're going in. All I know is that it looks like she's possibly making an effort to start sorting this mess out for herself and might possibly start to make some decisions, instead of resting on her laurels and not giving it any thought.

She flipped out on me at my nieces birthday party the other night. She said point blank that she wasn't going to work things out w/ me because she's sick of my family (they are a pain sometimes). We got out to the parking lot... I cried a tiny bit, and she said she was irritated (about what?) that day and may have said all the things she did at the party because of it. Before or after that she said I should know that she can't stop being angry about what happened. Then she patted me on the back after the conversation was finished.

I talked to her this morning and she was in a really good mood... So I called later this morning, left her a message telling her it would be nice if she came to my Step Dad's Father's funeral this week, and then to see my borther for his birthday this weekend to give him the cheesecake she's making. She also made mention, the day of my niece's party, of us taking DD to the Pumpkin Farm on seperate occaions this month. During the message, I asked her if she would consider making it a joint effort at her own discretion. I had to build up to it, and I'm not sure she'll be receptive to any of those ideas... but it was worth a shot.

I gave her the anniversary card, then gave her a card and a gift cert to the movie theater on her birthday. I didn't want to give her something, like flowers, that would be suggestive of the idea that I was trying to force myself back in the door, so I did what I thought she would really appreciate, but wouldn't be over the top. I think I did good, even though I would have liked to have gone way over the top and done alot more.

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Anytime you update, I'm happy. No set schedule...you pop up on my radar about once every ten days for some reason, so that's my part...once a month might be fine, if I KNEW I'd get my fix.

That's cool. :OD I'll keep you posted as best I can.

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Sorry to hear about your best friend's travails in infidelity. Aside from offering what you know, is there anything you can see in his current perspective which resonates within you? Not the extremes...might be small pieces...?

I'm actually helping two people out now. One's my best friend (a guy) the other is a female friend whom I've never actually met face to face.

My buddy is still down in the dumps. I think he's gotten better, but his writing is suggestive of something else entirely. I think he may be alot like myself in that his writing is more of a rant or vent than it is reflective of how he really feels. I worry about him after every email, but he swears up and down he's fine and is just airing his dirty laundry. I think that's a half truth in all honesty, but who am I to judge.

This other girl isn't my best friend... she's a phone acquaintance through work that lives some distance from here. I've never met her personally, but we've talked alot and somehow our plights came up in conversation one day. We've been helping each other out since. I'm glad I can carry some of what I learnt over to other situations. It's good karma and I'm down w/ that. <:OD

Why do you judge what kind of job you're doing in helping him? Would you consider your intent is what it is...your sharing is what matters, not the response? Hmm?

My concern is that my writing to him is similar to my writing here. If I'm having a bad day, and he's having a bad day... I've noticed that we feed off one another and it can get kind of ugly. I don't want that to influence his opinions and have a negative effect.

Yeah...I'm soooo out to break you of that habitual judgment tool...I really believe it is what is behind your feelings of confusion, feelings of rejection and powerlessness.

I'm 95% positive that you're right. >:OD Which is funny, but not really. School was tough because I always felt like I was being judged, whereas I never judged others and treated everyone equally. I guess at some point I started returning the favor.


I don't know if this is relevant or not... but I say things like "That's cool." or " That sucks." alot. I'd like to say those are statements that convey my feelings, but now you've got me questioning whther or not I'm feeling, or judging. Oi.


And I don't say that to be right...yuck...I say that to see you living clearly, feeling accepted and living powerfully one day.

I know where you're coming from and see your intentions. If W were to say something like that to me though, I'd think she were trying to run my life or tell me that she can't appreciate me for who I am or something. I know this because she said something similar to me recently (about how I can't make people think something they don't want to), and that's the first thing I thought when she said it. Still have that feeling that she has control over me for now. Not to the extent I did before, but it's lingering and surfaces in certain instances (primarily when OM comes up in conversation).

LA