Is your nature...or your choice? I'll respect it is your preference.

I read that after I posted, realized what I said and kicked my own butt. I meant to say that it has been a habit. I don't know why I said nature... unless it's what I was thinking at the time... which would have been naughty of me.

Why would God make you freaking out over failing relationships in your nature?

I. Have. No. Idea.

Still can't figure out the wide format...too funny.

It's gotta be the Argh! :OD

I prefer Panavision.

I'll have to look that one up... (which suprises me.)


LA

Gosh, Inf...can you please go up and edit out those ??? (question marks) from your earlier post so we can get your thread out of this super wide format?

I did. Now you have to edit them out of the post you made when you quoted them. :OD

I appreciate you keeping me posted...you're worth reading, Inf...and I appreciate the Tinnitus update and will pass that along to my son. Thank you.

Thanx. and you're welcome. :O)

I respect your choice to move out...may I ask you to clarify your intent? Your wife is angry and isn't dealing well with her own anger...you do know that our presence in the home is not the source of her anger, correct?

My intent by moving out? To give her space. From me. To decide what she wants. If it's me or something else. To allow her to get her anger under control.

So, I have to tell you... I really blew it last night LA. Anything that I could have said that was nonsensical, inappropriate, mean, hurtful, blown out of proportion, childish... if it was uncalled for, you name it and I said it. Even when I was trying to tell her how much I love her her and always have I managed to say things that hugely exaggerated. She called that attempt "highschool" and ridiculous. She said things about how she feels and about our future during the conversation that made me feel twisted up inside, naseous, angry, hurt, and afraid like I have never been. What really gets me is that she came home and was nice and pleasant and even hugged me, and I let feelings I had been bottling up out of nowhere loose and ruined the whole thing. Mistakes are mistakes, but I've been beating myself up for this all day. Especially when she called me asking for help w/ a resume she's doing on the computer and started freaking out. Yelling, swearing at me... and she even hung up on me. Twice. I know it was because she was more mad at me than she was that PC. I feel heartbroken and crushed, but am trying my hardest to accept my mistake and move on from here. It feels like I've taken any progress I've made w/ her and thrown it all away and then some over the last couple weeks or so w/ some little things and now this one big one. I know I'm being harsh, but I'm at a loss right now. I'd say I can't believe my behavior, but I can and I know why it came to pass and that "why" irritates me. I should have treated her much better than I did. DJ's everywhere.

I have this picture of her in my head. In it I love her unconditionally forever, treat her w/ the greatest of care and the deepest respect. It's there in my head, even when I'm saying these awful things. It's my choice dependence on emotion that's the root of the problem.


I think I've figured something out. My "negative" emotions have become an instinctive, habitual security blanket. I also noticed that it always gets that way when I am under sever stress. I cling to them and draw on them, unless I catch myself doing it. When I do see it, I even then sometimes draw from them, allowing me to get down on myself because I know it's happening. Enough influence (be it externl or internal) and I draw them all at once, run out w/ my eyes closed and my guns ablazing until I've either mowed down everything in my path or have run out of steam. It usually starts w/ worry, then jumps to fear or depression or both, then to a mix of this w/ irritation, then I feel it wanting to burst out, then comes the draw (usually pure unsupressed anger) when I let go of the control, via a trigger, and say or do anything that lets it out and makes me feel better... ususally resulting in all kinds of untruths and DJ's that contradict how I really feel, think or believe. Then, when I've wound down enough I cave in. Start crying and apologizing (and explaining and justifying). Then I get mushy, and try to let go of all the chaos running around in my head. Try to forget that it ever happened at all w/ a huge craving for hugs, love and the "s" word (which I don't understand?) if W is involved. If I get it I feel instantly better and it all just disappears, atleast until sooner or much later when it starts all over again. It's like, not only does the love make me feel better for a number of reasons, but I'm also relying on her to be ok w/ me for me to be ok w/ me. If I don't get it, I plummet until I'm too drained to feel anything. Either way, I've completely exhausted myself after that and get extremely tired. If she's not involved, I eventually calm down and get over it because when noone else is judging me for it I'm ok w/ it and me. I'm glad I figured that out and could finally put it down in words for someone to understand.



Great to know she understands that her resentment and anger are overlaying her love...that it is there, just buried.

It was a nice thought. Then she said some things last night that have me doubting and quite frankly scared out of my wits. I know nothing is written in stone, but there I am clinging and drawing again. It's all about the safety and control.

How will your DD handle this? Oh, my.

Oh my indeed. That was half of my problem last night. Too many negative thoughts, concerns, worries. It tears me apart, and makes me feel everthing from guilt, to sadness, to anger and everything in between. Love her to pieces w/ everything I have.



LA