I know that some of you won't talk to me because I didn't expose like a madwoman after I found out about the A.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.but I really can't find anywhere (in my SAA book or on this site where Dr. Harley recommends this)

I know he says...

{{The first part of ending the affair is {{revealing the affair to one's spouse}}, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place.}}

Apart from exposing to the spouses involved, where I think everyone is in agreement is the only thing to do, where in the MB concepts does it say I should have exposed the A to everyone within earshot??...I know if the A would have been ongoing and my H wouldn't have changed jobs as soon as he could, I would have eventually exposed to their superiors at work, but really now...what purpose would it have served in my situation to tell every family member and friend I could find to listen?

This is a honest question, and if someone can find where Dr. Harley recommends this..please direct me there, I respect his concepts and would like to read where he recommends this and why...

"If ONLY notifying the OP's spouse is enough to end the affair, then that's adequate."

LO, it is a rare BS that knows this for sure. And even then usually not for ages.

A's rekindle at a very high rate. Many restart years after first ending it. It's like quitting smoking, "Quitting is easy - I've done it thousands of times."

Even worse, a huge number of WS get over one affair by having another after things settle down.

Wide exposure is a prophylactic as much as it is a cure. Consequences. Reality. Truth and reconciliation – not just reconciliation at all cost.

IMO, if WS or FWS cannot deal with other people knowing the truth of what they have done they are not ready for true recovery.

I hope the world will shine strong light on the whole damn A culture. Has nothing to do with revenge, or acting out or anger. Has only to do with pure unadulterated truth, all the time

I did not expose after D-Day 1. I was convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt the A was over. What a fool I was.

I will never keep anyone's dirty smelly secrets any more. Not even FWW's adultery.

Secrecy in any form regarding adultery is bad.

I will concede this exposure approach applies much more strongly to any Type II Entangled affair than, say, a drunken ONS that will never be repeated.

BTW, LO how are you doing? Are you in SA now? Hope you are well. Did your DS join you? Despite this little difference of opinion, I wish you all the best.

With prayers,

WAT, my friend, as you may recall exposure ended my wife's affair. a ssimple as that really.

It gained me an ally for my marriage in OMs GF; made OM behave in a self protecting way,smashing the facade of his affair persona and also helped OMs family stand a chance at recovering.

Finally, I grew ten feet tall that day too. Hardest thing I ever did, but I owe any happiness in my life since to that simple act.

I am on the side of mass exposure. I didn't come to that easily. When I first found out, I only told one other person and that was a good friend of mine who's H had an affair. I didn't want to hurt my H and, at the time, I thought the OW was just an innocent recipient of my H's affection. When I realized what was really going on, I went with my H to tell his parents. He sat there and told them how he had feelings for the OW and that they were having an EA. I then exposed to her family, her pastor, our pastor and my family. I didn't want anyone to think that if my marriage ended it was because of anything other than him messing around. I could see it being turned into a blame game and me coming out the loser.

Is the A over? I dunno yet. I thought so but I am still dealing with some new circumstances. The most helpful exposure didn't involve me, though. My kids knew before I did. Her kids told them. My kids have been very verbal and outspoken on not being with the OW ever. H said, yesterday, that he can never be with the OW because the kids will never accept her.

Is my M back on track? Not at all. He left and cited the lack of trust as one of the reasons. He has also cited the fact that I told too many people and that he feels like he is being judged by everyone.

I still feel, however, that if I hadn't exposed the A, the A would be going full-blast or he would have divorced me sooner and married her. Then went on to turn themselves into the happy couple and me as the bitter ex-wife. I would rather be the ex-wife of a "cheater" than the ex-wife of a martyr. You choose.

Loni

Exposure ended my WW's A. It took a while - maybe 48 hours or at the most 72, but it ended. I told OMW, and MIL and SIL. Unfortunate event - MIL had just had a mastectomy - but I know that WW, MIL and SIL were all in the same room opening the fedex packages together. OH MY GAWD! Talk about pissing on a hornet's nest.....

I think OMW had the most effect in my case, once she believed me. I told her to go to his computer and look at his email. She did, ten minutes before they left for a trip to their children's house up north for a week. Imagine sitting in his seat on that plane from SoCal to NY.

WW told me she took his cellphone away from him. Plus - I have a list of people he does theatre with that I did NOT expose to.

Yet.


The smart bomb worked on ending the A for me. Cause it ain't no secret that I have got the nuke, and am willing to use it.

And by the way - her perception is that I told everybody that would listen.

Jury is still out on saving the M. D is final in 5 days, but I don't hear any fat ladies singing, and can not detect them in the wings.......

By the way - WAT and Mortar and BobPure and a couple of others were my guides at that time - and they walked with me every step - HOLDING MY HAND.

I will be eternally grateful for their guidance. They know what they are doing.

far

Thanks for asking,

Yes, I'm in Cape Town. Looking at buying a condo on the beach just north. It is a beautiful place.

No, my oldest daughter has not joined me and may not for some time. I am alone, but not lonely...the people here are friendly. I'm having dinner with the plant supervisor's family tonight.

Speaking of that...I have to run...

I hope you are doing well.

Low

Hay Low,

good to hear from you. Sounds wonderful!