Okay, I'm fairly sure that since the OW just got divorced, there are fantasies of the two of them riding off into the sunset together and living happily ever after.

But of course, that never happens. They just don't know it yet.

What you must realize is that right now, your husband doesn't care at all about you. He will not be willing to meet any of your needs. That is just the way it is. I wish I'd had realized that earlier, I sat around crying for months and months.

You are going to have to be the one to meet your own needs. What helped me most was putting my marriage and WH on the back burner, and getting busy doing the things I could control.

I cleaned the house sparkling, organized things, through stuff out, rearranged the furniture, painted, detailed the car, started a garden, put up new curtains, exercised, went to church, joined a women's support group, volunteered, and started my own business, and finally went out with friends.

How is your financial situation?

I am a nurse and make a decent living but we are up to our eyeballs in debt. I don't know if I will be able to afford the house or not even if I refinance.

I am still with my friend and she is making me eat, go with her and basically not be alone.

Still breathing.
Loni

Gosh, there sure are lots of nurses here that are BS's.

Would you be able to file for bankruptcy? That's what I did. My WH left and never gave me a dime. I paid all of the bills for almost a year, and then filed for bankruptcy.

Loni, I wanted you to know that I prayed for you, again. I know this is so unbelievably painful, but you will get thru this. It's hard to believe that, I know, but you will.

Keep the faith!

Jennifer

I am hoping that the court will force my H to give me the house without having to pay my H anything. I won't go after his pension or retirement funds. The rest of the debt will probably be split. I hope Equitable doesn't mean equal.

I don't want to do this. I don't think that I can make it through this. I have lived my life for him and our kids. Every deciaion I have made for the last 20 years has been about them. I don't know how to not love him anymore. I feel like I have lost a huge part of myself. My pastor says that God doesn't give you more than you can bear. I don't know about that. If it's true, I know that I am on the line.

My kids are OK. My DD even seems upbeat. I guess that is a good thing. I don't want them to suffer but I want my H to believe they are. Is that mean? Oh God, I think I am going a little crazy. '

How do I do this?
Loni

Loni,

You take it one day at a time and keep praying.....

I know how you are feeling as I have been there. When I found out myWH filed divorce I was devestated as I could not believe he was willing to walk away from 24 yrs together.

I did a lot of praying and turning it over to God and he helped me through it.

I promise you it will get better. Just take care of you and the kids and let God handle the rest....

My prayers are with you ....


Hurting

By keeping the faith, Loni. You don't have to figure out how to NOT love your H. You love him, plain and simple, and that's ok. You just don't "love" what he is doing.

Hang on, Loni, you are still on the roller coaster, and the things you are feeling are normal. I use to sometimes wish, that there was an "off" button on my emotions. Just to take a break! One of the rollercoaster curves, will be numbness. At when that hits, ENJOY it! It's the way of telling you, it's time to give yourself a break! (I use to look forward to those moments, still do at times! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

Take Care,

Jennifer

I really look forward to numb. This pain is almost unbearable. I say almost, only because it hasn't killed me yet. I wonder if anyone has ever died from a broken heart. Could I be the first?

I talked to my kids today. They seem to be OK. Maybe they are just in shock like me. I'm happy that they aren't devastated like I am. But, at the same time, I feel more alone then ever. Like I am the only one who is going to grieve the end of this marriage. I think this is worse then being widowed. There isn't any hope that the dead will come back. I think I might always hope that my H will come back. If I hold on to that hope, it just might destroy me. If I let go, the pain comes in the huge crashing waves that threaten to overwhelm me.

I am on my knees. Please pray for me. I am so scared and I can't see my way through to the other side. I feel abandoned, betrayed and thrown away. I would have never thrown him away like this. Didn't he know that I loved him with my whole heart? Couldn't he see that I would have continued to love him despite the A and all of the hurt he caused me? Why would he give me up for someone that has been proven to be a liar and a cheater(many times over)?

I want to drag this divorce out for as long as I can. How can I do that without LBing all over the place? Should I even drag it out? OMG I don't want this. I don't. Why couldn't he have just done a legal seperation? Why a Divorce?

My youngest son was scared that I would kill myself. I can't. As much as I want to not feel any of this pain, I can't do that to my kids. I hate that my H has put me in this position. I can live and hurt and be in agony so he can be "happy". May he choke on his happiness. Like I have been choking on my tears and all of the unsaid words that I swallowed in the attempts to be a good wife for him. May his dreams be filled with my face and the faces of his children. May his nightmares be about us going on without him while he lives the life he's chosen, that isn't as appealing as he dreamed. May he drive around at night wondering where the OW is and knowing that he left the one that was always true to him.

I know that God tells me to pray for the ones that hurt me. I can't. I just can't right now. If you can, then please do, because I believe that he needs a lot of prayer.

Please tell me that I am going to be OK. I am so scared. His face is always on my mind and the last words he said to me are echoing in my ears.

Loni

(((Loni)))

Believe me, this WILL get better, and you WILL be ok! This most definately equals grieving a death. It's all a process.

But, however, this marriage isn't over, YET! I know that hoping can drag you down, and put you thru the ringer.

I pray that God will give you hope in the right areas of your life, and to bring you peace. Put your hope in knowing that somewhere, there IS and WILL be light at the end of the tunnel, as dark as this looks right now.

The feelings of panic you are having, are normal, Loni. Sometimes, it can cause us to do things we wouldn't ordinarily do. I am too familiar with this feeling, and struggle with it on a daily basis, sometimes for no reason at all.

I'm on Zoloft, and it has helped me tremendously. I don't know what you think about AD's, but they can truly be helpful, during times like this.

Anyway, just know that you are not alone on this board! Your H has to experience some things the hard way, and by the time it hits him, you will be in another phase, and way ahead of him. Let God guide you, and try to keep the faith! You are very full of worth and value, whether you feel you are or not.

Just keep posting here. You are doing a good job with your Plan B. This is just one of the side effects of it, but it will pass! You will become stronger by this, I just know it!

Jennifer

I added another prayer for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your words bring back those terrible days. But know that you will get through this. I never thought I would be happy again, but I am. You'll get there too.

Please comfort your son, and tell him you would never do anything to hurt yourself. And if you get to the point where you can't function, please see your doctor.

I know. It hurts so badly..you wonder how you are going to make it..but you will make it...

I agree with the suggestion to get some ADs..call your family dr. who will gladly prescribe some for you once you explain your situation..mine did and they really helped...

I promise you. It will get better.

The best thing for you to do Loni is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF and on working the MB PLAN..

That approach will make you stronger..

I wish there was something that I could say to you to make you feel better..

The best I can do is to tell you that I was exactly in your shoes..feeling your same feelings and my H is now here with me..and definitely IN LOVE with me...

Of course, I can't say that the same will happen for you..I am saying that it DEFINITELY CAN HAPPEN...

I felt just as DEVASTATED and HOPELESS as you do...

I do not think that now is the time for you to GIVE UP HOPE...

Don't you have your appointment with Jennifer tomorrow? Make sure to keep that appointment and follow her advice...



These are questions that you can ask Jennifer...

Loni, I promise you that you will be OK. The Lord is with you...HE WILL NOT LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU...TRUST IN HIM...HE WILL PREPARE A TABLE BEFORE YOU IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR ENEMIES....

HAVE FAITH, LONI AND BELIEVE....

(((((Loni)))))

I am sooooo sorry to hear about the latest developments. I know it must hurt tremendously. But you are right -- you can NOT leave your kids without their mother. Please be strong and keep them first. And I agree, things will definitely get better -- one way or another. Either he will wake up and come back before it's too late (this scenario has my vote) or you will get so strong that you can endure anything. And either way YOU WILL BE OKAY -- more than okay, strong and happy. I know things look bleak now, but you have so much support (from us here and from friends there, too, it sounds like). You will make it, and you will be more than okay. Don't give up hope -- there is so much that can heppen. Keep the faith in the Lord and in yourself. You are in my prayers, Loni.

Please take care of yourself,

Dulce

Loni,

U will be ok.....better than ok. The more OK you get the worse the WS gets. Does that give you incentive?

Remember that the WS isn't your H. Your H is being held captive by the Ws and OP. So let's work on you....get you strong enough to give support to your children and in turn they c/b your support. Relieve your children from any guilt that their mom might abandon them like their dad (yea that's what suicide makes kids feel like). Sounds like your children need IC.

Reassure them of your love, ask for their support and together.....you and your children move forward. Leave the WS in the dust and maybe, just maybe your H will find the Ws' weakspots and kick his way out.

The support on this site has been tremendous. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because all of you care so much for someone you have never met.

I am listening to every word you write to me. It is really helping. I am currently on ADs and I can't imagine what it would feel like if I didn't have them.

I will talk to Jennifer today. First, I am going to pack all of my Hs clothes up in bags and put them in the garage. I also have to change the locks on the house. Tomaorrow, I will be going to my lawyer's office and get my defense in order.

Should I write a plan B letter now? I hope that I did a good enough Plan A. Should I suck it up and take some deep breaths to do a Plan A for a couple of weeks? I don't know how to do a Seperated Plan A, but I will read some of the posts on here to see if I can follow some of the leads.

I guess this is the litmus test for my marriage. One way or the other, the ****** I have been in will be over. Either my H will come home (not the WS) or I will be removed from his life and off living my own.

Please keep reminding me that I will get over this pain and be a whole person again.

Loni

Questions for Jennifer!

This verse kept me going:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

On my dresser to this day....

Take good care..let us hear about your session..so we will know how to help you better...

Loni,
good luck with the session today!

You will be ok loni. I was where you are 10 months ago. I thought my life was over. I could not possibly immagine how my life could go on. I lost my partner, my best friend. I still feel the loss and I do hurt, but at the same time I can function and do things and enjoy my days. I use to think about H nonstop, I don't anymore. It will take some time Loni. I wish we would heal faster, but there is no quick fix. Just know that the intense pain you feel does subside and you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its just that the walk over to the end of the tunnel takes some time.

Best,
Daisy

It is going to be so hard for me not to beg him to change his mind about the divorce. I know it hasn't worked in the past. I just love him and I can't imagine being without him in my life. I just want him home even if he is a WS still because I know that I can show him a good life with me if he's with me. I know this is all irrational. I know. The thought of being divorced is tearing me apart. I don't ever want to be divorced. I want to show my kids that marriage is more than just something to take lightly.

I'm OK. I just miss talking to him and seeing him. A week ago, I thought we were doing the MB plan. And now I am getting ready to talk to a divorce lawyer. I can't seem to wrap my mind around how he knew all of this for a long time without ever letting me know.

Loni

Loni,
I know where you are coming from. With hindsight I was able to see that H was really thinking about leaving for about 5 months before he actually left. He was really irretable and did not want to spend time with me etc. At the same time we had nice days and 2 weeks before he left we bought a new car and we were planning a trip to CA in she summer, and we already had our vacation to Greece planed out (we went 10 days after he left!). So, I know how it feels when it comes out of no where and then you realize the other person was already thinking about this all this time. And every time he wanted space from me, it was not just to think, it was to think about leaving me and not being with me. It hurst.

Please take care of yourself.....it will get better.

Daisy

Loni:

You said..



YOU CAN CONTINUE TO DO THE MB PLAN...yourself...

THE PLANS are about FOCUSING ON YOURSELF and what YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF and YOUR MARRIAGE....

One of the most important things for you to remember is that you have no control over YOUR HUSBAND..regardless of what you do or what you say..you can only control YOURSELF...

You say...



I know..I know..I did my share of BEGGING AND PLEADING...

However, it does absolutely NO GOOD...and the WS finds this to be UNATTRACTIVE...

Continue to be FIRM and STRONG about your DESIRE TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE..convey this in your words and in your behavior WITHOUT WHINING AND BEGGING...

I know..hard to do..but it is the STRATEGY TO TAKE FOR THIS FIGHT...

I say FIGHT TO THE FINISH....



Standard WS Script...

My FWH stayed home for a month after our first D-Day..with me thinking that he was not leaving...all the while, he had bought a condo and was furnishing it...

WE NOW RENT OUT THE CONDO....

Hang in there....