Loni,

You sound almost EXACTLY like I did when I first come to MB over 2 years ago. I have been with my H since 18. He is the ONLY MAN that I have been with..After he left, I woke up each and every morning reaching for him..wondering what he was doing... Like I told you before, I lived from minute to minute, putting one foot in front of each other..TRUSTING IN THE LORD...I did not know how in the world I could go on...

I SURVIVED...YOU WILL SURVIVE...ACTUALLY, THIS WILL MAKE YOU INTO A STRONGER AND A BETTER PERSON....



Make PLAN A about YOU..not about YOUR HUSBAND...I can't say this enough..FOCUS ON YOURSELF..FOCUS on becoming the PERSON THAT YOU WANT TO BE...THE BEST LONI that YOU CAN BE..THE BEST LONI THAT YOU WANT TO BE..NOT the BEST LONI FOR YOUR WH....



I don't know the statistics exactly but I know for sure that the chances are slim to none for continuance of your H's R with the OW....It's a relationship based on LIES and DECEIT...UNHEALTHY and SICK....

FOCUS ON YOUR PLAN...

Don't talk to or listen to people that are not being helpful to you...

Thank you for listening to my litany of hurt. I am doing Ok today. Keeping busy and trying to focus on the positive. I told a friend of mine that I do better just thinking that my H is away on a long trip. Kind of like he is in the service or something. That way I can miss him but not focus on never being with him again. I know, the games we play in our minds to just get through.

I have the kids for the weekend so I plan on having fun with them. Maybe we could go on a short day trip or to the movies and then a really cool place for dinner. I will get their vote and focus on them all weekend. Next weekend, I think that I will go and repaint my laundry room. I have been wanting to do that for a long time and it will keep me busy. Maybe, I might even find some ceramic tile to put in there. I have always been really good with that sort of thing. Besides, if I fix the house up a little and I do have to sell it, I will get more for it. I am going to do everything I can to keep the house. I love my neighborhood and my neighbors. I will figure out the mortgage stuff.

God is good and I am leaning on him with all that I am at this moment. Thank you for reminding me of that. Please don't stop reminding me that God has much more in store for me.

Loni

Interesting for you to say this..Actually, when speaking of his A time with acquaintances and strangers who do not know about it, he often says.."when I was away from home for awhile"..as if he was on a trip... You've got it right...Your WH is actually on another planet..captured by an alien....

Your PLANS for the upcoming weekends sound right on target with the goal of FOCUSING ON YOURSELF... IN THE PRESENT....

ABSOLUTELY..GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU..ALL THE WAY..EVERYDAY..HE WILL NOT LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Loni,

I just wanted to drop you a quick line letting you know that I'm still praying for you and to wish you a wonderful weekend with the kids.

I've done a little bathroom remodeling myself, I'll tell you that story when I have a little more time to post.

Stay Strong!

Hi y'all,

I am doing OK. Had a long day at work today and I am just wiped out. Of course, I wasn't up to my best game with my WH.

I called my dd15 on her phone and she was at her dad's. Why? She called him to pick her up from practice and he took her over there. I told her that she could come on home because I was leaving within the next 10 minutes. 40 mins later, she gets home. I talk with her for a couple minutes and I leave to take my DS17 to his friend's house. I return a few minutes later to find my WH's truck leaving my drive with my DD15 in the front seat with him. What the H? I call his phone and ask him what's going on. He tells me that they are on their way to pick up one of her friends that is supposed to stay the weekend with her. I told him that I was going to do that. I assumed (I know, I shouldn't assume anything) that she had called him to do it because I had left. I was ticked. I told him to bring her back home and I would take her to get her friend. I told her that she should call me when I am in charge and not her dad. Her dad then said that he was taking her to a funeral visitation that they had planned on attending and that he thought I knew about it. Well, guess what, I didn't. I told him that our DD15 hadn't discussed it with me at all and that I didn't have any idea where she was going or when she was coming back when I saw her in the truck.

When he brought her home after going to the visitation, I tried to talk with her about what was going to have to happen with visitation and custody arrangements. That I am in charge most of the time and Dad is in charge when he is with them. My DD15 totally bucked the whole idea of his weekend/her weekend. She said that she was going to decide who she was with and when. That I don't have any right to keep her away from her dad. Then she said that her dad had already said that she could see me on his weekends if she wanted, and even stay with me. Great! Good Dad and Mean Mom, again. Then she called her dad to tell him that I wouldn't let her stay with him if she wanted etc, etc, etc... I talked with him about how I was trying to explain the agreements that we have to make and that whoever is in charge that day needs to be informed and asked permission. Somehow, I don't even remember how, the subject went to our DD15 telling him that I am going to get over a $1000 every month from him and that is what the lawyer wrote to his lawyer. He quickly got pissed off at me and accused me of bringing the kids into our business. I told him that our DD15 was guessing as to an amount and that she was told that the lawyer came up with an amount and that the court decides what is fair. He continued to yell about how I must have told her how much the lawyer was asking for and that I was doing wrong by our kids. Great! He then yelled that he wasn't going to discuss this with me anymore and hung up on me.

I was soooo upset. I went upstairs and called my best friend. "I can't do this." was all I could say for awhile. Then I finally told her what happened and was able to settle down. My DD15 came into my room and quietly told me that she is having a hard time adjusting to all of this and it's going to take some time to figure it all out. I told her that I understand and that I am also having a hard time trying to adjust to being the head of this house. I told her that I didn't want to raise them with single parents but that I am trying to do what's best and what's right for all of us.

We agreed that her dad isn't in his right mind but she insists that he isn't with the OW. She told me that she asked him, today, and that he told her that he can never be with the OW because he knows that she and her brothers will never accept her. She said that she told her dad that he was right on that because they never will.

Ok. What if, by some miracle, he is telling the truth? Does that make this easier or harder? What if it isn't about the OW and it's just about him not ever wanting to be with me? No real answers to that one. Plan A is still my plan. I wish I knew, for sure, what was going on. Should I hire a PI? Not to beat him up with the truth, but just so I know exactly what I am dealing with.

I did call my H back, after talking with my best friend and cooling down a bit. She even encouraged me to call him and lay on my best Plan A. I told him that I wanted to talk about the kids. That I am worried about them pitting us against each other if we don't stand together as their parents and make the rules together, as well as enforce them. He told me that the kids would never do that. Right. In what alternate universe would the kids not use anything they could to get their way? They are teenagers and pretty smart. They will instantly know how to get what they want. He, again began to chastise me for telling DD15 what support would be. I just told him that she asked me questions and I answered as vaguely as I could and still be truthful. I told him that I also said that support isn't decided by me or you but by the court and that lawyers do what they can for best interests of their clients. He seemed to be better about that. He then told me that we shouldn't discuss the divorce with the kids at all. That they aren't to be involved in it. I disagreed, they are involved because it is their family and their lives that are being affected. I said that he discussed the divorce with them first by telling them without me being there and without my input or consent. He said that he did that because he didn't want the kids to see me lose it. I said that he should have talked with me first. That I should have known I was getting a divorce from him and not a letter from his lawyer. He said that he can't talk to me. He said that he can't handle seeing me fall apart. I told him that it hurt me that he couldn't tell me to my face. That 18 years of marriage didn't warrant that much respect. He actually apologized. Surprise. An apology. I told him that I don't want this divorce but if it's going to happen, we need to make sure the kids come out of it ok.

I dunno. Probably not my best plan A. Hopefully not the worst.

This really sucks. I don't want to be a single mother of 3 teenagers. I had always expected to have the support and extra strength of two parents in the house. Can I just say that I am more angry than ever that he is doing this? He needs to realize that it isn't all about him. That his happiness is important, but not as important as these kids. That he is putting his happiness in front of his family's.

I am still hanging in there. I still want my H back, not the WH. I still want my marriage to be restored. It isn't about fear right at this second, it's about right and wrong and the best interests of these children that we vowed to do our best to raise.

What do you think about the PI?
Loni

I was just thinking about the speed of divorce in Michigan. Anyone have any experience in this state on delaying the divorce action?

Do I stand a chance in Heck of getting my H to rethink this divorce and have a seperation first? What about counseling?

I am probably just on another hunt for hope.

Loni

Good morning everybody. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am doing really well today. Am I happy? NO. Am I pathetic? NO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> God is really good and I am leaning on him with everything that I am. I still pray, every night, for Him to whisper in my WH's ear all day and in his dreams all night.

I am busy cleaning my house and making it better for us (the kids and me). I feel more like myself today and I only had to take 2 sleeping pills last night. I actually slept until 5 am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I also really focused on good things before falling asleep. The beach, summer, planting flowers etc...

Plan A update... I called him on his cell, last night, and left a short, positive message. I told him that I was just thinking about him and I hoped he slept well and to take care of himself this weekend. No ILYs. No R talk. Just trying to show him that I care about him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

This Divorce is the last thing I want. But, it might be just what this M needed to kick it out of stagnant. Sometimes, I think that he would never have turned around as long as he was living here. Maybe, what God wants, is for him to hit bottom and then open his eyes to what reality he has created. If he never does, I don't need him anymore. I need and want my H, not the Fog Bound WH. I just have to stay strong and let God work.

The lighthouse (me) is still standing. Steady, strong, silent with God's truth shining from every window into the thick fog all around my WH. May the H inside him see that light and follow it home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One day at a time,
Loni

My H is preparing to leave and wants a divorce. It's funny because I lay awake last night praying that God would reach my H through his dreams as well (or any other way!) I want to be strong and have been leaning on God to get me through this but I don't feel very strong- I just feel tired and sad. My H works 2 1/2 hours away from home so I don't see him much during the week and I often feel desperate to call him. I try calling someone else instead but sometimes give in and call him. It's hard isn't it? I know my H has to hit bottom as well before God can reach him. You sound like you're really strong and you're doing ok? I'll be another person praying for you!
Karen

Karen,

Strength isn't anything that I just possess. It is like putting iron into a smelter and having the stronger steel come out. I have been in the "fire" for a long time and I have felt just as you do. I have spent the last several days, praying for God to call Judgement Day, just so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I have also woke up in the morning angry as ****** that He didn't take me in my sleep. Today, is just a good day. When these moments of peace and inner strength come, just enjoy them. And when the moments of fear and helplessness and deep pain come, try to make your way through and know that it doesn't last forever.

I encourage you to read posts from Ark, Mulan, Bob Pure and others. They are vets and they are the most wonderful help. I also have recieved a lot of support from Believer and Walkingthefield. These people are wonderful and you need to see that there is an end to the pain. I pray that your H returns with a remorseful and chastened attitude. If he doesn't, try to think of him as the alien who took over your H's body. You don't want the WS. You want your spouse.

Take a look at the thread about not needing the WS and how it attracts them.

Loni

Just like I posted to Karen... I am feeling really down again. I miss him. I think about how it was before the A and how we would joke with each other and touch each other. OMG this is really painful. I haven't had that man in so long. Yet, I remember him with every breath I take. I look down at my wedding rings and I just feel so much intense sadness and regret. I pray that my H looks down at his and feels the same. This is like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. I really love my H. All of him, good and not so good. I know that I need to have my H and not my WH back in my life. I feel like he died. Only, I can actually bring him back with enough love and a really great plan. But I won't know if it's too late until the D has been final for a year. That is a very long time from now and I can't imagine being without him in my life. He used to be my best friend. Forgiveness. I forgive him all of the past hurts. I do. I forgive him the pain he caused with the A and with the underhanded way he left me. Why can't he open his eyes and see the love that he is turning away from? Please pray for us. This is our family. Not just a short term love affair. This was our life that we made together.

I wish that I could break through his protective shell and get to the decent, kind man inside. I loved him with all of my heart.

I probably brought this on to myself. I called him after a movie because I saw something in the movie that I knew he would get a kick out of. I was light and funny when I spoke with him and he sounded receptive to listening to me. No strings attached, just a friend calling to share something funny. But, hearing his voice reminded me of how much I miss him. Dumb, but honest.

Loni

Hey Guys,

Remind me that I shouldn't call him and try to reason with him. I just want to convince him that this is a mistake. To, at least, have a seperation first. Oh, I am soooo pathetic. Please remind me of Plan A. I need hope because I feel so helpless in this.

Loni

Loni-

Okay, so he filed on you, but you're in plan A, correct???

If you're in Plan A, you can call him, just don't call him like it's going out of style.....don't call him repeatedly, you can call him and appeal to his EN's.

Just make sure when you call him you don't sound all needy. Write down a list of topics before you call him that you can talk about, and don't deviate, and don't get sad while you're talking to him.

How fast is Divorce in Michigan???

Send him pictures of happier times.........vacations, family stuff.....things like that. Just one or two at a time......go and have copies made so you don't "lose" something sentimental to you, but write a little something on the back like "Remember when ****** happened?" (Something funny), or "That day was really fun!".

God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks Caren

I am definately having my ups and downs. This really stinks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, except the OPs out there who think they are getting away with stuff.

I can't give up. It goes against everything that I believe in. This marriage was ordained by God. What happened to the whole "till death do us part"?

Between prayer, working on me, our home and the kids. Not to mention my job. I have a pretty full plate.

What I need, though is a concrete plan.

Here are the ENs that I believe he has...

attractiveness... I will work out and lose this extra wt. As well as appear completely incontrol and positive whenever I see or talk to him.
household support... My home will be lovely and clean and smell like home-sweet-home.
admiration... Find something that he has done, or is doing and tell him how good it was or how much I appreciated it.
Affection... He won't let me meet this one.
Conversation... He always is saying that he can't talk to me. Of course, it means that I won't like what he has to say.

The countdown is going. I have between 6-9 mos. before this divorce is final. He has agreed to counseling and mediation so we can coparent our children effectively. That might be one more avenue for us to connect.

Michigan stinks though because I can't stop this process unless he agrees.

Loni

Loni-

The physical appearance thing....I can see on a mans EN list....but I don't see SF in there anywhere.....I've never seen a man's EN list that didn't have that in the top 3.

I find it hard to believe that Affection and Conversation are also on a man's list, unless you mean Sex when you say affection. If that's the case, my husband did the same thing.....he said "We can't do this anymore...." but he's a man, and I "convinced" him otherwise.

Admiration, yes!!! This is a good one, stroke that ego like it's your job!!!!

Physical appearance....look DROP DEAD gorgeous EVERYTIME you see him.

Also, seem *happy* EVERYTIME you see him.

God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks for response Caren

As for SF... he stopped that back in October. I think it's was too much guilt. He actually apologized to me after one time. That he used me and that it wasn't fair and that it was just about sex. OUCH. The last time, he actually didn't even climax and then asked me if I 'felt better now'. Again, OUCH. It is probably in the top 3 ENs but there isn't any way he will let me even attempt to meet that one.

I did call him and left him a short voice mail. I told him that I appreciated him talking with our DD15 about respecting me more and that I hope he's doing well. I also asked him if he wanted any Pics of the kids for his room at his parent's house. I was cheerful and positive. No R talk.

I was thinking about inviting him over for dinner and a video with me and the kids, this week. What do ya think?

Loni

Loni,

You want to invite a WS over for dinner and a movie? Instead of your H?

You realize from your above post that you had SF with a WS and not your H? That's why it was sooo painful to hear his babble. Next time plan SF with your H and not that alien?

L.

Hi Orchid

You are right. I don't want WS SF. That is a truly mortifying experience that I don't wish to repeat. I don't want to entertain my WS, I just want to expose my H to more Plan A. It was just an idea. That's why I post my ideas here before I carry them out. The fog affects me too.

Thanks,
Loni

Well here's a twist. I say extend the invite but let him know the invite is for your H not the WS. Let him know if the Ws character comes over, he will NOT be welcomed. This will force him to watch his actions if he is allowed in your home.

If he does come expect the WS to try and sneak in. If you are strong enough you can show the WS the door. If the rest of the body follows, you and all will know his body is in the control of the Ws.

What this does is set the precedence for future encounters. When I used this, later when I needed to speak to my H, I'd call the Ws and ask if H was available. When H came over, he would knock nicely and I would answer. If during the visit he morphed back into the WS, I showed him the door and said he was becoming the Ws and that character was NOT welcomed so he had to leave.

You should have seen his face. It was like watching some strange horror movie. His face distored so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Eventually he learned to control himself and then he found me much easier to deal with. Who changed? Not me. He did.

L.

Thanks Orchid,

I will try that.

Loni

Orchid..I LUV YA..but not a good thing to say at the beginning of PLAN A..for Loni to say that WS "IS NOT WELCOMED"..given that he is FOGGY and certainly WELCOMED by the OW...

I guess Loni needs to judge..this approach would have PISSED my WH off and he would have never returned for a dinner, movie or whatever...

He had felt rejected by me prior to the affair so this was a behavior that I needed to change...

I guess this varies according to the situation...