Loni:

I'm sending HUGS out to you. You are doing, I think, as well as can be expected with a AWFUL situation that you did not create.

I really feel for you, Loni. My YS was a teenager in the home during this STUFF and he really struggled..having to deal with normal adolescent struggles combined with the breakup of a family due to infidelity is AWFUL, AWFUL, HORRIBLY AWFUL..I don't think I can think of a good word to describe this...Then, our Hs try to use this to justify their actions..and try to pretend like it's not all their fault...YUCK..YUCK..YUCK...

You handled that situation last night probably better than I would have...

I took my son to counseling and the counselor basically told me: The person that needs the counseling is not here. Your son is reacting normally ..as would be expected...to a difficult situation...

You are doing great...I'm glad you stood up to your WH and did not allow him to tear you down...Maintaining your self-respect with him and the children is essential...and you are accomplishing that...

Hang in there, Loni....

Sounds like you had quite a night. I think you did just fine. If you can arrange some counseling for her, try to make it family counseling, and invite her father to attend. The two of you need to support each other in this, or your daughter will use one against the other.

Don't worry though, she will snap out of it in about 6 more years.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So true..my 23 year old is ALMOST acting like a normal person!!!

Thanks guys, I thought I was actually gonna hear how bad I did. I felt so hopeless at the end of the night but I think I did what I had to do.

quick update, WH called and left message on my cell this morning. He apologized profusely for saying the "SMD" phrase. But that was the only thing he apologized for. He told me to take it as I wish so I am. It wasn't enough of an apology so I haven't responded to it. Before I got the message, I called and left him one. I told him that I am setting up Family counseling and it would be better for the kids if he went with us but if he chose not to, then we would go without him.

Gotta go,
Loni

You will see how serious he is about making things better for your daughter. I think it is essential that the parents are on the same page.

We went through terrible times with my step-daughter. When she didn't like our rules, she moved in with her mom, where there were no rules. She stayed out all night when she was 15, and when we grounded her, she moved to mom's. She ended up dropping out of school, and really made a mess of her life.

She is 26 now, with her own family, and really regrets her decisions.

Family Counseling is set up for Friday at 3:30. I left WH message on cell with the time, date and where. I told him that he could go or not. The choice is his. You're right Believer, lets see how much he really cares about his children. Or if he is too scared to find out just what he is doing to them.

Loni

Loni:

Keep in mind that your H is now a WH and he may not show up. His main priority now is not his family..it is to get his fix from the OW and to justify continuation of the A. If he comes, don't be surprised if he focuses on how all of this is YOUR FAULT and he will LIE and say that he is not having an A...

The fog is sooo real..the WS' need to lie and to be deceitful and to justify an A will not cease with the scheduling of a counseling session or with participation in a counseling session. Sorry.

Your children are struggling with normal adolescent issues..this is true. However, they are also CHILDREN OF INFIDELITY...I don't know if there is such a thing in the psychological literature...However, having lived this... when I was a teenager and in watching my own sons' struggles, in my opinion, this certainly complicates the issues significantly....

It would be good if he goes. But he may just prefer blaming Loni for everything. After all, she is on the computer too much. He won't want to admit that he has abandoned his family for the OW.

EXACTLY, BELIEVER...

I agree with you.

This is what I predict will happen.

Loni, we don't want you to be surprised at the position he will take if he comes..

STAY STRONG AND VIGILANT IN YOUR FIGHT!!!

You are both right and IF my H shows up, which I doubt, he will stick to the WS script. The nice thing is that I have an appointment with the same counselor the day before, so I can fill her in on all of this before he gets a chance to spout his venom. If he doesn't show, that's OK because the kids will be getting a chance to tell someone exactly how they feel and be able to get some perspective on all of this.


As for the other part of my plan, AKA "the stick" of plan A. That is in motion and I expect results soon to carry out the all important part of plan A that WS' hate the most.
I will keep you updated with that as soon as I have more to go on.

I doing OK now. I am very angry about last night but I know that it was not about me. He can think whatever he wants and say whatever he wants, but I know that I am not at fault for this. He made the choices that have brought us here.

I am going to spend the evening on the computer and I don't give a rip what he thinks. The kids are not here and I am free to do as I please.

Hanging strong,
Loni

i went through similiar probs with my teenage daughter...(whats with the "girl" theme here) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> anyway...shes 16 now...

to say the least...we had tough times a year ago...i just kept being the PARENT...discipline and so on...she NOW is back to beinga "daddys girl" although i have never changed.

the only thing i keep saying in your case is....

you and your kids are a priority...STOP worrying or thinking about your H...its going to be his loss!!!!!!

just be the parent that you have to be...kids will say HORRIBLE things to you...and you will feel betrayed by them also...

my family therepist put it into a simple perspective...the kids KNOW you love them...and you are not the one who broke up the family...BUT...you are the one they will lash out at...they WILL NOT lash out at your H..its a sunconscience fear of abandondment....

he already abandonded their mom and ...they may think he will do the same for them....

dont know if its true..but it made sense to me at the time and things have turned around big time...

KEEP being the parent and DONT ever stop TELLING them you love them...even at the times "you dont"

***on a side note....i now know why lions eat their young!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

just be strong right now...both you and your kids will reap rewards in time....it just takes time!

*******QUIT TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND ON THE PHONE.....its not worth your frustation...just think how good you will feel when he calls and gets into a fight with you and you just say. "have a nice day" and hang up the phone and not anser when he calls back.....THATS POWER!!!!

put it in this perspective...."road rage"...when someone flips you off (i know it has happened...you are a woman driver!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> just wave and smile back...rather than return the gesture...it PISSES em off more right??? same concept. he NEEDS you to fight with...cuz he has no other release, he sure aint gonna be MEAN or NASTY to his OW right?? if life was sooooo good for him.....HE WOULDNT CARE WHAT YOU DID!!!!!! keep that in mind....

hang in there!!!

Hi Sturgis,

I am going to follow that advice. I haven't talked to him since I told him to make sure Austin got picked up at school after choir practice. I was short and to the point and got off the phone as fast as I could. I am going to hang low for awhile because, actually, I am so mad at him I can barely stand to think about him. He can just take our his anger on something else besides me.

I am doing well and focusing on the kids and me. And, of course, God. I'm waiting for the stick part of plan A and for the counseling sessions on thursday and friday.

Gotta go,
Loni

One thing that I'm having trouble with is my dad. He is pretty much homebound and is constantly calling my sister and me for all kinds of things. My H has made himself very important to my dad and my dad is unwilling to call him to account for the affair. He said that,even with proof, he will stay out of it because it's none of his business. I told him that I'm his daughter and that I have been mistreated and that he is supposed to stand up for me.

It's driving me crazy that my dad is calling my H to tell him that I am not doing what he asked of me. Regardless of the reason why. He knows that my H is eager to be the "good guy" and come to the rescue. Which my H does. But then, my H will tell me all about how I wasn't available for my dad or how I didn't do what I should have done for him so my H had to do it. I feel like I am being blackmailed by my dad to do what he wants, when he wants.

Anyway, I had a nice day off from juggling all of the balls. Tomorrow, I will pick them up again and start keeping them all up in the air. But, I will also remember that I need days to just chill and be Loni.

My H walked my DD to the door with her bag. I kissed my DD when she came in. Took her bag from my H without letting him in and told him thanks. When he started to get on me about my dad needing something today, I told him that he didn't have to worry about my dad and that my sister and I will take care of him. I also told him that I have talked with my dad a few times today as it is and I have had my cell with me all day if my dad needed anything at all.

Then I said bye with a smile on my face and closed the door.

Being strong and trying to reinforce this lighthouse.
Loni

C'MON!!!! your H is doing that on purpose...it a way of keeping POWRER over you!!!! and he knows it pisses you off!!! also...with your dad being homebound, sadly, it creates a very needy enviroment on your dads part...it doesnt make it right...but its understandable in his situation...

the only i will keep pounding at is YOU are responsible for yourself....TRUST me, YOU will feel betrayed by your own kids, your family and most likley "old friends"...it sucks and its disapointing, but..........remember....life is not fair...

God allows things that make no sense, he does things that defy human logic, and PEOPLE by nature will ALWAYS FAIL you when you least expect it!

if God was easy to figure out and easy to understand, why would you REALLY need him anyway???

go read psalms, you wanna talk about feeling abandoned throught his life??? and David was supposed to be Gods chosen one....(and to think i only found God about 2 yrs ago)....anyway....

keep your head up....i look back over the last 2 1/2 yrs of my life and im not sure i would CHANGE anything....even though i have had some amazing successes and horrible FAILURES...

dont get discouraged ok....hang tough!

Loni...i have been reading a book on "leadership" by vince lombardi, a section on dealing with adversity hit home with me, i realize we are in two different stages, but i found it to be pretty powerful and thought i would share it with you....maybe it'll have some affect on you or put things in some sort of perspective...(its kinda long, but i have some down time at work, here goes)

""Dealing with hardship may seem like an "odd technique" for self discovery: We rarely go out in search for hardship, pain, trauma or heartbreak. However, they often come in search of us, and when they do,they can provide invaluable learning experiences. In the presence of boundless, UNBEARABLE PAIN-the loss of a loved one, ones health, or family-we experience a sense of powerlessness and recognize that there are things we simply cant control, that we become open to profound learning. In the face of great pain, when perhaps for the first time in our lives we are forced to admit we dont have all the "answers", we can begin to ask the right "questions". PAIN (of any type) is a powerful centering force. It pushes us where GOOD TIMES ALMOST NEVER LEAD. As we suffer, we grow wiser.""

""Adversity is the first path to truth. Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity is greater""

""To become a deeper man, is the privilege of those who have suffered""

and one last quote....

""When we place our dependence in God, we are unemcumbered, and we have no worry. In fact, we may even be reckless, insofar as our part in life is concerned. This confidence, this sureness of action, is both contagious and an aid to perfect action. The rest is in the hands of God-and this same God, who has won all His battles up to now""
(Vince Lombardi)

i take alot away from this type of inspiration....thought i would pass it along...

hang tough...it does get easier!

kevin

Hey,

I have had a very hard day. My dad accused me of telling him who he can be friends with and that he won't stand for it. I told him the WH has hurt me, hurt his kids, and is having an affair. That I expected him to stand up for what's right. He told me that WH didn't hurt the kids. I said that he did and that is why I'm taking them to counseling. Dad said that they don't need it but I do. I told dad that he chose then. Dave can be his son and not to call me anymore.

My older half-sister told me to apologize to him and that I needed to give up on the marriage. That WH made his choice and I have to get on with my life now. That WH is never coming back and that I need to accept that.

H called me and yelled at me for putting my dad in the middle and that he isn't trying to win my dad over but he takes care of my dad. He also got in a few digs about the computer and how I need to get myself together and that is what is hurting the kids. That I am not being stable and together. I just told him that he doesn't know and that DD15 isn't here very much either because of afterschool activities. So, therefore, she doesn't know either. I told him that I am doing a great job with the kids and the house and myself. He said well, I hope so. He told me that if I want to keep the house, I better work with him. I told him that I am keeping the house. That I want it all. I meant the house, the kids, and him. But, he says that isn't what I said and that if I want to take everything in the divorce, then he will call his lawyer tomorrow.

I am feeling pretty awful right now. My dad just called and told me that my marriage is over and to just get on with my life and holding on to the belief that it can be saved is stupid. This is not my value system at all.

I'm sry, the lighthouse is crumbling. I feel like I can't hold on any more. Maybe they are right and I need to just get this divorce over with and move on. Maybe, my h is never going to love me again. I'm so sry guys. I'm losing my resolve and my will power. It's like I'm holding on to God but my fingers are slipping and there is a weight around my ankles.

Why would God let this happen? This isn't what He says is supposed to be in a marriage. I've lost. Even if my H doesn't end up with the OW, he is lost to me. I don't want this to happen. But, I don't want to keep hurting either. I'm sry. I'm trying to be strong but I can't seem to find it right now.

My sister told me that if I expose the A with any evidence from the PI, that I will only be viewed as a Bi#$% and that it won't help anything. That my marriage is over and nothing is going to bring it back. That exposing it will be viewed as revenge and being hateful.

I think I am just going to give up.
Loni

YIKES Loni, what a day!! I think your dad is right though, you do need counseling. You need to talk to someone about the TOTAL LACK OF SUPPORT you get from you family of origin while facing this crisis. A counselor will help you deal with this.

Oh my goodness, Loni, I'm so sorry for your pain! Sounds like you need to Plan B your family as much as your H.

You just keep your head up, and continue with your plan. God is with you, even when the lighthouse begins to crumble! HE will hold you up thru this, with whatever His will is for you and your children. Just hang on!!

Jennifer

Hey sister, it ain't over till its over. You have had a terrible day. I am so sorry to hear about that. You are being severly tested. Don't compromise your values now. This is a full scale spiritual assault. Your weapons are faith, prayer, scripture. Do you have anyone you can talk to in person? Simply venting to someone face to face will really help you process all that is going on.

Hi everyone,

I'm OK. You're right in that I had a really rough day. Actually the week was pretty rough. I've been having trouble sleeping and its probably really messing with me. I am going to be Ok. I called one of my friends and talked with her and then I called my "wonderful" counselor who really helped me get this more in perspective. I am sooo tired that I can't even really type so I will go.

Doing OK,
Loni