Reposted from Divorcing/Divorced

My W has stated she wants a divorce. We're both in our early thirties and been together for 6 years (married for nearly 3).

Our problems started last year when my wife went into hospital (I won't go into the details). When she came out she felt I wasn't there for her emotionally. A few months later my wife got the test results back from the hospital, during this time my dad was taken into hospital and had a life threatening issue. During this time I was working my preferables off travelling around the country doing my job. I was totally stressed with the thought of nearly loosing my wife and my dad. She called me to tell me she was clear but I didn't respond in a sincere way, as I should have.

Things got worse for me, my aunt then fell ill and this caused many other family related issues. Then my dad fell ill again and during this time I was away from home Monday to Friday. When I was at home most of my time was spent sorting my work gear out for the following week ahead. During this time the W and I stopped communicating and doing the things we used to enjoy doing together, pictures, romantic meals, weekends away.

Things got worse and I started to realise this and cut back on my work hours. At this time it was too late, I tried to make an effort round the house and spend time with her but she had withdrawn. As time went by I realised she wasn't herself, I suspected she was seeing someone else because of this and I started to question her work travelling and calls she was receiving on her phone.

She didn't like this but because she wasn't communicating with me refused to tell me I was out of order and bottled it all up.

Earlier this year 2006 (and this I'm not proud of) I retrieved her password to her email account. I then looked at the emails and found she had been communicating with a guy at work. After various attempts to give her the option to tell me she eventually broke down and told me the full story.

This guy at worked kissed her and she responded but then they started to communicate at work via text and emails. She has since said that she enjoyed the attention and felt like he was interested in what she had to say. She explained I was not there for her and he was. My W states it was nothing more than an emotional relationship, this I do believe.

This hurt, from the start of our relationship I was insecure because she is a very good looking woman. I thought I would be the one that strayed from the marriage path and not her.

Anyway, things got progressively worse after that. We went to a marraige counsellor who was quite frankly USELESS.
We then attempted to deal with the issues ourselves. My W was still distant (in terms of communication) but not in a physical sense. We slept together in the same bed but over the space of a few weeks I begain to get angry with her because of what happened. I felt I was the victim in this all (now I know I'm not and I had played my part in all of this).

During this time she was unaware and I didn't explain how I felt. She travelled to the place where this other guy works, she also has to communicate a lot with him about work, all of this I found difficult to deal with. I told her to go and confront him to see if she still had any feelings for him (as she said she had just switched them off), I was unsure and didn't want her to come back without seeing him, me thinking everything was Ok and then she saying it wasn't (I hope you understand this bit). My W spoke to him, I didn't feel she told me the full story so started filling in the blanks. We spoke later that night, at this point I had built everything up in my head to be a big issue - so I told her if she fell pregnant I couldn't be sure it was mine and would want a DNA test (one of my hurtful comments).

Since then the anger was growing inside of me because of the way I felt I was treated and it got the better of me. I said some VERY VERY hurtful things, which I now truely regret. I have read various books / looked at various sites but all of it was too late. I made my mistakes and now she is adamant that she wants a divorce. So much so that we both took our wedding rings off this weekend and she has now gone away on holiday without me.

She went to stay with a friend for a week to have some space. Since then she came back and has been adamant she wants to be alone and doesn't want me in her life.

She has said I've always been insecure and controlling as well as maniputlative. I would agree to the insecure comment but not the rest. The controlling issue came around because I felt I had nothing in my life. I'm now going to the gym and doing other things out side of my marriage. She thinks I'm manipulative becuase I have been printing things off of websites to try to help her and myself to understand our situation (another one of my attempts to resolve issues but made it worse).

I want to know what do I do? I can move out but due to financial reasons would prefer not to. I know if I move out it would give her space to consider all of this but I believe I can show her I can change for the better and I'm not talking short term changes.

I know that all of my problems last year stemmed from me working to hard, not giving my wife the just attention she deserved and not having things to do in my life (not my married life). I have now started to do things for me but feel it's too late.

She doesn't know that I've posted this or that I've put my wedding ring back on (as I couldn't bear the thought of not wearing it). She would go mental for me posting this information about us.

She is withdrawn and says she will never forgive me for the things I have said to her. Is this ever possible? Should I just move on and give her what she wants a D?
I am getting help with my issues by reading books about anger management and insecurity issues but need to know, where do I go from here? I have said to her I'm disappointed in us for being in this situation and I'm disappointed in her for not even considering I could change, even though I have proved this with other things in my life. I can read my W like a book, there are times when she says things but the look in her eyes implies the opposite.

Sorry it's long but I need to explain the problem to give everyone a clear picture.

Thanks for reading, any help/advice is appreciated.

Have you read through the information here? Hopefully some of the old timers here will post. Are you starting Plan A to try and meet some of her emotional needs??

It might be a good idea to think about exposing the affair to anyone you can to prevent it from happening anymore. Is the OM married? If so I'd expose to his wife. Put a little heat on him.

As I said before, hopefully some of the others will respond soon.

Where do I find Plan A? Sorry new here.

As for exposing it. I think too many people already know. Even after everything if I did expose the OM it could have career implications for my wife. I do not want to do this to her as this would end my marriage for good. Her career is everything she has worked for over the last 10 years of her life.

He has a girlfriend, as far as I know she does not know. I do know his email address and am constantly tempted to email him and ask him what the ****** he is playing at. However I don't think this would do anyone any favours, especially not me.

Not sure if you realize, but your wife is still continuing her affair. Her words and actions are classic of someone positioning themself to do this.

She'll use anything she can to rationalize her actions, including saying things that aren't true. She'll say you are controlling, but this is because your eyes are now open to her A and she is getting paranoid.

Saying she'll never forgive you for things you said is silly. Sure, it may hurt for a while, but nobody is damaged by such comments to the point of ending a marriage. She's just looking for anything you do to justify her affair, ignore her babble for now.

Read up on plan A if you want to save your marriage. Also, exposure is a very necessary part of ending an affair. Most people expose to their parents and in-laws. Exposing to superiors if they work together is also a good idea.

Exposure is key because it pulls the affair into the light of day, ending the fantasy. Once the affair partners see how badly their actions are viewed and responded to, the affair usually begins to die.

See the main page, there is alot of good information there.

Are you willing to risk your marriage rather than her career if it comes right down to it?

I'm willing to risk everything I own, we were once very good together but I feel we got lost along the way and are in this situation now because of that. She wants her career and is putting that ahead of our marriage now because of things I've said. She wants to be alone to pursue her career because she believes I can not support or be there for her.

I told her a few days back that I would rather be pennyless and still have her than have money in the back and not be with her. This made no difference to her.

She is a clever lady but the barriers are up and I can't get them down. She is digusted with the hurtful things I said to her and she is angry at me because of this, the thing is she won't admit it.

I love her to bits and I've made a right pigs ear of the last year with things, what with not being there, saying all the wrong things and doing the wrong things. It's so frustrating - no one gives you a marriage guide when you start out.

I'm so sure that she is/was the one for me, so much so I was very relaxed on the morning of my wedding. It's difficult knowing this could be the end and it's mostly down to what I've said and not said (yes I do know she has played a part but).

The reason she wants to "be alone" and move out is so she can persue her affair with OM. I really hope you have read up on this site - start with the infidelity FAQ's linked nelow in my sig. ALso get the Books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site. ALso get "Not Just Friends" on Amazon.

Read everything you can here - Harleys basic concepts etc.

I agree with everyone Ed. This is typical of a WS, she needs "space" and "time" to continue the affair. Nothing you have said to her is worth ending a M. It is silly that she says she could never forgive you for things you said. What about what she has done to you?

She is blame shifting. It's easier for her to blame you for the A than take responsibility for her own actions. Everything you have posted here is typical for the WS.

Read everything you can here and take it all in. And listen to those on here who have either been in your position, or your wifes.

Do an excellent plan A and show her that you are willing to work on the things that you need to change. Fill her Love Bank.

I am praying for you two.

Thanks for the advice. I don't think she is looking to pursue the affair, I'll tell you why. When she lies I know, I mean, I know. She has tells.

She is hurt by me saying she slept with people at College for money. She feels disgusted by this and wants nothing to do with me because of this and the other things I've stated (as said in org post). I've not said this before now because I didn't want her to see this post and go ape.

She says because I personally attacked her (with words) she feels disgusted by the thought of sex and dislikes me and can not see a future together.

I have been thinking alot about what I've said and done and everything has been knee jerk reaction (very very wrong - hindsight is a great tool). I will attempt the Plan A and see what she says, I'm not giving up! Not Yet!

By the way what is WS? Excuse me I'm new and am still getting used to the site

The affair is not your fault. Do not accept responsibility.

When someone in an affair needs space, here's why: Being around you makes her feel guilty and oppressed. Being away from you removes her from that environment. Possibly, her "space" gives her a chance to conduct her affair without having to answer to you. It also gives her freedom to seek out people, maybe friends, maybe family, who will listen and nod while she runs you down, which helps her place responsibility for her affair on you.


If she was some strange woman you were trying to chat up, I hope you wouldn't grovel that way. No groveling! The affair is her fault!

Change your bad habits, yes, and don't make a show of it.

But also remember, at least for now, you - not her - ARE THE GOOD ONE.

GC

I will not accept the responsibility for the EA. I will accept the responsibility for not supporting her when I should have, I will accept the responsibility for my actions and the things I've said.

We are both to blame for the situation we are in. However, I need to find a way to get through to her. The only way I can see this is by Plan A and filling her love bank (is it me or does that sound so wrong?)

Anyway, she's not back home till Friday. I will try to talk (even though I told her I won't be here when she comes home).

I need to understand what it's like from a womans point of view, if there's any out there that have read this please take time out and give me some feedback (not grovelling just asking nicely).

Graycloud if I was chatting up a woman I would certainly not grovel that way. I'd smile and cheekily ask her to buy me a drink - at least I've still my sense of humour!!!

Do not believe this for one second. Every person who has confronted their WS was lied to by someone they thought they knew. WELL YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN ANY LONGER!! This is one of the main reasons a BS suffers so much pain....you think you know this person....and you do not....

I am also concerned with the anger....it is deflecting from the real issues....Yes you said some bad things but she was invlolved with someone else

Textbook. The affair was not her choice, you drove her to it. You are a monster.

Mr Ed, I have been in a position very similar to yours. I'm now divorced. My ex is married to her affair partner.

If I went back in time to where you are right now (please God no), here's what I'd like to remember. These are things I knew all along, and even lived, but I wish I'd believed them more strongly

1. I am not responsible for the affair, only my part in the state of the marriage.

2. My wife was lucky to have me and she'll never have someone as good as me in her life again and she'll regret giving me up. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of her life.

3. A good man must never crawl around on all fours begging some unfaithful woman to love him, no matter how attached he is to her. No matter how beautiful she is. No matter how desperately he wants to preserve his life with her. No matter how much pain he's in.

GC

Mr. Ed... there was one time that I lied to my WW during her affair to tilt things in my favor. I still regret it. One thing I would be sure to do, if I had to go through it all again, would be to always be honest.

Oh, and probably talking to her about things won't have any effect at all.

Try to fill her ENs without asking her permission and without looking for a reward. I think the Harleys are right when they suggest identifying your partner's most important needs. But you can't make your WW participate unless she volunteers. Asking her to help you save the marriage when she's already told you she wants to end it... that won't do any good. It'll just p!$$ her off.

GC

GC - My wife's most important needs (for her) are to be alone and pursue her career. She has stated she wants a divorce.

I've lot touch with her needs. I think she wants me to be there and show and interest in her career but how can I when I'm remind that's one of the reasons we're in this mess.

I know it might sound like a believing everything she says but I don't. I have taken back my life and am actively doing things for me. All the time I am conciously trying to be calm, not loose my temper but the negativity does creep in.

I will take on board what everyone has said and will do some more reading. I'm off now. I'm going out with a friend later this week, she's an ex girlfriend but someone that know's me well and will tell me some home truths.

I value every response, so once again Thanks! I keep posting with updates as this has been really good to talk to people about.

Thanks again!!!!!

PS Just thought of some other things that have been said that now seems weird. We are supposed to be on holiday together at the moment with some friends. I said because of everything that is happening I didn't feel it would be right if I went. She's there on her own but before she went she said she wanted me to go to see if we could remain friends. What do you make of this? When I pushed it she just said cause I would like to know if we can. I told her if she doesn't want to be with me then I can not see me being friends with her because everytime I see her, I would feel something. Now I've typed this it sounds more like I've been grovelling and moaning a lot. Any ideas on what she said?

Man,

A REVENGE affair will hurt you and do nothing for your marriage.

You need to EXPOSE her lying cheatin [censored] and kill this affair and KEEP AWAY FROM EX-GIRLFRIENDS or anyone of the opposite sex - do not talk to opposite sex "friends" about your marital problems.

I doubt that being alone to pursue a career satisfies an EN.


It's hard to know. Staying friends is a good deal for her. She gets to keep you in her life without having to give you anything. On the other hand, she probably feels conflicted, even if she says she doesn't.

Look, you shouldn't expect her to be articulate about what's going on with her. She's following her emotions. She doesn't know herself what her motivation is. She only knows what she feels, not necessarily why she feels it. If you pursue too many explanations, you're just giving her an opportunity to justify turning away from your marriage.

It's too bad you didn't go on this trip. Time apart is not helpful. "SPACE" is not helpful, except as temporary relief for people who don't want to face their problems.

GC

***but before she went she said she wanted me to go to see if we could remain friends. What do you make of this? When I pushed it she just said cause I would like to know if we can.***

Translation: "I want to go out and date and party and have sex like I'm single, but I'd also like to have you sitting home waiting for me as a back-up plan and safety net."

If you want any hope of recovering your marriage, do not ever buy into the "we'll be friends after the divorce" bulloney. You are supposed to be her husband, not just another casual friend.

Please read up on this site about Emotional Needs. "I need to ignore you, date other people and pursue my career" is not an Emotional Need.

Oh, and what BigKahuna said. Double. Triple. You are making a huge mistake here.
Mulan

SadMrEd,

Couple things you need to realize:

1. She is still in the affair, and is probably using this alone time to continue it. Her behaviour is 100% indicative of a wayward spouse (WS).

2. You are focusing on the wrong stuff. Her complaint about things you said or little mistakes you made are not the problem. The problem is that she is in an affair. She'll use anything she can to make you look bad in her own eyes, she needs to do this in order to justify her affair.

And please dont go off with an ex girlfriend, you're headed for a disaster. Get a sibling or male friend to talk to. Not only is it a big risk for you, if your wife found out, you'd immediately be accused of having your own affair and she'd feel free to pursue the other man. Seen this scenario more than once.

My wife even encouraged me to see someone when she was in her affair. It lowers you to their level, you lose the moral battle, and your wife feels no guilt continuing the affair.

Ok, I got a few more pieces of info. I noticied there is a date in her diary, denoting 1 year makred against 27th October but not speicifying for what.

She has to know where this guys is because he works indirectly for her, so she has entries in her diary for this. She got a speeding ticket and for a town where, he goes to.

Knowing the situation I'm in do I confront her over this and possibly make the situation worse?

Do I cancel meeting my friend and go to the holiday location where my wife and our friends are?

Do I wait till she comes home and confront the situation?

OR Do I email him and confront him?