Okay then...am I in the right place now? Yes, yes I am.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
First, to the resentment timeline...no need to post it. You can decide that after the exercise, in a week or so. Posting your thoughts and feelings before and afterwards would be beneficial.
Now to lack of respect...to all of those you mentioned.
To yourself: Knowing you are the only person who can control you. That you have no control over anyone else. Knowing you choose your life. That's respectful. Knowing you have your truth, not THE truth.
To your H: Knowing he is seperate and equal to you; that what he thinks, feels and believes are his, his truth, not yours. Not yours to divine, interpret or judge. Respect is hands off. To be respectful you must know this and act from it; acknowledge and validate his thoughts, feelings and beliefs, see his choices, know he chooses his actions, even chooses to react instead of act...you can't make him do anything. Respect is accepting him for himself...a human being, seperate and equal to you.
To your OM: Knowing you did not make him cheat with you, that his choices were his own for his own payoff and truth...not yours. Respecting that he is fully responsible as you are...you could have told him your truth, still his choice to believe you or not.
Respect to everyone else: Same thing. Lift the burden of others off your shoulders--they are fully capable, conscious and choose because God gave them that power and the limit of control because he made us all human. Place that seeming burden where it belongs...on your own shoulders. Only you have choice of your actions, no one else.
This isn't the respect you were aware of...look at it differently than admiration...which is judgment. Look at it like air, what is, if you choose to act in accordance with it, you benefit. When you attempt to negate, you suffocate. Slowly.
Know that it was consideration you did not give your H, which you had vowed to do. You chose to consider only yourself in your choice to have an A. Sounds like consideration would be an important part of a code of standards for you...standards are what you don't allow yourself to do to others (inconsideration) and what you won't allow others to do to you (boundaries); and what you won't allow yourself to do to your self. All in balance. Choosing your actions from a code instead of reacting to others or a situation would give you a firm foundation and release that burden you believe in.
Uhm, that was the respect exercise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Your need to worship someone else...give them the control of how you define yourself, tell you who you are, how you're doing in life...is not uncommon. I was like that. I was mortified to discover I worshipped my H. Blasphemy! Still true, huh? That you can see this is a huge stride...you've had a belief system that told you every moment of your life that you're defective, not good enough, broken in need of fixing by others...and if the others would just cooperate and tell you who you are in the way you want them to...then you'd be happy. See how disrespectful that is? God gave you the power, made you whole, complete and marvelous--yet you say, God, that ain't good enough. I want to be created by others.
::insert Thunderous Sigh here:::
Yipes.
You brought yourself to this time of awakening, choosing, knowing what is real from what you perceived before...be grateful to yourself for doing that. I'm here for you because I was you, part of you, once. Know the pain and how much of it was mine that I crushed into others...and how much was mine that I gave myself. You're not alone.
Know your choices consciously, and you will be respecting yourself. Ownership...not blame.
There's a reason God said not to leave the judging, the blame placing, to him. We aren't equipped for it very well, are we?
LA
