Ill give you brief history:
together 5 years
married 4 1/2 months when A started.
A lasted for 3 months.
6 months into recovery

Here is my original story - click here

Well yesterday things started clicking so I started looking back at the past. Things have been great the past few months but I've almost been putting up a front - because of so much resentment I hold towards my FWW. You can see what she originally told me in the link above. I figured some stuff out, started asking questions and she finally come out with everything last night. The story she originally told me was a lie. This is really what happened: one drunken night where they went to their office (after hours and nobody was there) and oral and intercourse happened. A trip to Dallas overnight at a hotel (she told me she was shopping with some ladies from her work and this was at a time where I was catching on and pulling away from her at the same time) with dinner and sex, and the day before we took a trip to vegas she left work early and went to his house (his wife and kids were gone) and had dinner and sex. All this and no condoms... I just got tested and Im clean thank god. She didnt even have the nerve to get tested herself b/c she said she was scared. I was soo hurt by all this I couldnt even express any emotions at all at the time she told me. I thanked her for being honest finally but, she even lied about a few things when she told me she was going to finally tell me the truth about everything. i.e. the condom and a couple of other small things that i busted her on. I dont want to push her away and make her feel like im punishing her by leaving her just in case i decide to reconcile. I feel like my mind is made up though. Im 99% sure of what I want to do but I told myself and her that I wouldnt make any decisions until I can settle down a little bit. Ive decided not to get back on AD's. I feel like they cloud my thinking. Ive slept maybe 3 hours last night and have no apetite. Back to square one. All of the feelings I had when the A was first discovered are back. I really want to kill this guy. How many chances can I give her? How many times can I say "I will let you tell me the truth now, but if I find out more later, its over" and not actually do anything when I do find out she has been lying to me? How many time do I have to hear "Im telling you the truth this time" or "Ive told you everything there is"? My real question is when do you know its time to file for divorce? I feel helpless and hopeless. Right now, I feel like I will resent her the rest of my life and never be able to let go of what has happened, even though I still love her. Please help...

Together 5 1/2 years; married 4 1/2 months when the affair started; both age 22 and no kids.



Today.

Cut your losses.

22 years old? I've got t-shirts older than that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, I know it isn't easy, but you have no need to invest any more in this losing proposition. Could you recover it? Maybe.

Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.

Gearhead, I think you need to sit down and think this through. Don't make a hasty decision but one clearly must be made over the next couple of weeks. No one can truly tell you when to file for divorce because it depends on too many variables only you are familiar with. I suggest you find a counselor, a priest, or someone else with whom you can discuss the issue at length.

I understand it's difficult to comprehend how a woman can slip so easily and so soon after her marriage into such a deep deception and betrayal. It hurts badly...and it brings her moral character into question. If you decide to end this marriage, I don't think there will be many who will say you're wrong. Divorce is never pretty but it does put an end to the pain and suffering you're enduring.

On the other hand, if you decide to ignore your gut instinct and work on reconciliation, you have your work cut out for you. You're going to have to expose this obscenity at your wife's workplace as well as his and then do another round of exposure to family, friends, at your church, etc. This time it would have to be a scorched earth exposure, not just to select family members (if I correctly understand what you did the first time around). Only when the affair has been truly broken up can you begin to work on recovery. I sense you're not entirely sure she's told you the whole truth even now. She may not have and it may be a long way down the road before she reveals everything.

If you do decide you want your marriage, pardner, there will be folks out here who will help you through it. Make your decision and MB will be there for you. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, okay?

So your FWW has maintained NC for 6 months. That's fantastic. You just found out the whole sordid truth yesterday and now you are madder than a hornet. That is okay. If your FWW has maintained NC, has she been trying to commit to the marriage? You said she is FWW so that means she is. You just got hit right between the eyes with a lot of information. Get away and calm down. Don't say anything to FWW you may later regret. You don't have to make a decision today. You can D any time you want. Just calm down and let the anger subside. You have gone right back to Dday in only the past 24 hours. Give this time to settle out. Make up your mind later.

That is a lot to take in when you have already learned to cope with so much. I am sorry you got hit with this. In reality it is nothing you didn't already know - it is just made fresh. Talk this out with someone besides FWW.

worthatry:

Thanks for the advice. Thats exactly how I feel, but I feel like I should wait to make a decision. And trust me right now I'm not investing nothing other than what I have to do to keep up with housework and myself.

Longhorn:

Thanks for your advice as well. Ive decided it will be best to wait and make a decision. No need to bail ship yet. I can jump at anytime. Ive got one real close friend that I tell everything to, but I feel like a burden to him cause Im always laying my problems out to him. She no longer works with this man. She now works at a different company. It was never exposed at her workplace. It was her parents, my parents and close family. I did contact OM's wife, but doubt I will now cause I dont really see the point. I did tell most of my friends cause the wanted to now what was wrong with me.

traicionado:

Thank you so much. It felt good to hear something a little on the positive side while I go thru this. She has maintained NC, i think. We will probably have a talk tonight so I will definetly will ask her - even though I do ask her every 3-4 weeks. I truly believe she has changed but to think back and try to understand how she could do such a thing kills me.
And its actually a lot I didnt know. I thought it might have happened that way but when you love someone so much, you really want to believe them and sometimes convince yourself that they arent lying. We all know how that goes...

You will know. I don't know when and you don't know when. When that time comes you will definatly know. I was asking the the same ? and that last time I found that they were together I knew....It was time. It took me 4 months of bs but everyone is different and let me tell you it feels really good to not worry about what she is doing!

Dr Harley has written (I sure wish the search routine worked better on the main site so I could find and quote it) adultery so soon in a young marriage with no children should be a definite no-go.

You might even look into an annulment instead of a D.

You were still in your honeymoon period, or should have been, when she did this. An A so soon is incomprehensible. But then they all are, to me.

You are lucky to find this out while still young enough to start over. It won’t be any easier for you than anyone else but at least you have so much more time left in your life to find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

I wish you all the best in life. You are just starting out and have so much to discover and live for.

With prayers,

BTW, is your W posting in Recovery?

Continuing Aphelion's logic, one way to look at this is that your wife has given you a tremendously valuable gift.

It's a growing and learning opportunity many of us don't get so early in our lives - if ever.

Going through the divorce will only add to it.

THEN - after you recover as an individual - you get to apply all the good things you've learned to your next relationship. Being armed with Marriage Builders knowledge will give you a HUGE leg up vs your peers.

Example:

Non-MB guy trolling chicks in a bar: "Hey babe, wanna come to my apartment and see my etchings?"

vs

gearhead: "Hi. My name's gearhead and I'm facinated by what really makes relationships work. Which emotional need is more important to you - conversation or affection?"

JMHO

WAT

LOL - Want to come up and see my etchings about emotional needs?

Aphelion - as a matter of fact, yes. That is her posting in Recovery. Her screen name is Sassygirl.

Last night was pretty hard because she found my (this) post. Im not afraid to let her know how I feel, I only would have rather let her ask me when she was ready so I could tell her directly.

I got her involved in this website and told her I thought it would good for her to post. It was a bad idea to have her post because she only posted things I wanted to hear and she lied because she knew I would see them. Its a good idea for a WS to come to this website and read, but not to come to this forum and post IF the WS even thinks there is a slight chance the BS might see his/her post because they will most likely lie if they have been. JMHO.

Thats too funny. LMAO

It's a good idea - a no brainer - that whomever posts here should make it a general practice to not write anything they don't want their spouses to read. That said, there are tactical things like discussion of exposure, legal issues, etc. that a BS has no choice but to post about that an active WS should not see.

For these reasons, active WSs - those in the heat of their affair and still attempting to justify it - should not be sent here by their BSs period. They are not ready yet. The only time, IMHO, that a WS should be sent here and read is when they're on the cusp of ending the affair. WSs seem to do this independently of their BSs - probably because they found MB first.

Conventional wisdom is that a BS cannot educate their active WS. They're probably the last one on the planet that can.

gearhead, since the cat is outta the bag in your case, keep posting and seeking advice and ignore that your wife may be reading. Just don't post tactical, affair fighting intelligence.

JMHO

I agree.

My question for now is...
If your between making a decision on whether to reconcile or to divorce, is it a must that you should be seperated (i.e. not living uder the same roof)?
In my situation we are currently still living together. I wont be making a decision any time soon probably.

GH,

This sooo bothers me...41/2 months into your M and she does this older dude, married w/children.

BIG wake up call!! No kids? 22 years old?? So much good life ahead of you!!!

Cut the lying WW loose NOW!

Only uncertainty, suspicion and the "pee stained couch" in your future if you stay.

k

No.

Separation is never a good idea - except for wayward spouses to carry on their affairs and for BSs when they want to go to Plan B. - and in your case, until you are sure you want a divorce. What would be the purpose of such a separation?

I'll stand by my earlier recommendation to you to cut your losses. To consider staying in this marriage would require a HUGE selling job by your wife, IMHO - and full monty counseling to gauge your maturity. If you're gonna think about this for a while, DO NOT separate.

JMHO

WAT

I have no idea. Thats why I'm here asking questions.



Thank you for you opinion. I like hear what other people think that are outside of the situation.



What exactly do you mean by this? If I decide to stay and work on my marraige that I am not very mature. Please go into details.

Thank you all

GH,

""I like hear what other people think that are outside of the situation.""

What other people would you be speaking of?

k

Other people in general - anybody

I dont know. I just meant I like to hear opinions from others that dont have a connection to myself or my wife. A lot of times, friends will tell you what they think you want to hear rather than what you should hear.

No, whether you and especially your wife are mature enough to be married in the first place.

Thinking about this some more, perhaps it's not the purview of a counselor to determine the level of maturity.

I suggest you take a long critical look at yourself and your wife. Do you think you're mature enough to commit yourself to a lifelong relationship? What do your parents think? - siblings?

WAT

I am sorry you find yourself here, Gearhead.. But, given the situation, you couldn't be in a better place for advice and support.

What does the voice deep inside you tell you to do ?? We, here at MB have learned not to ignore our gut instincts...

My very best to you, carnation

Gut instinct. I could not agree more. The first six months in recovery my gut told me I was being lied to. My gut instinct played out the real scenario in my head but I couldnt believe it until it came out of my wifes mouth. I was right on every little thing.

Ive learned my instincts are better than I thought they were.