Have you read the Basic Concepts?

The first step in Marriage Builders is always to eliminate your own LBs.

You posted that you have a major history of crossing your wife's boundaries. If you'd like to be specific about what that means, we can give you better advice.

I think just generally speaking I need more physical reassurances than she does. if I request something - she feels like I am taking something away from her...I am not talking about sex here - it can be just about anything.

I believe that because her parents were so abusive and self serving that she believes that any amount of intimacy is something she is giving away and not gaining anything in return. This makes me feel sick inside...and now anything I could have done to make her feel relaxed and safe...she thinks is just some needy ploy on my part. Honestly I would prefer to be alone then to be made to feel like this. I am successful and strong...but she turns me into a blubbering idot...who keeps trying to make her happy (I think this is the boundary) she doesn't want me to make her happy - she just wants me to leave her alone.

So I have learned over the past five years to seperate and not need much affection. I knock on doors and and don't sit in her space unless invited. I try not to get hurt when rejected - but after awhile it is hard not too. Like I said earlier - she is very volitile - so then she starts yelling - and I just shut down.

Have you read the basic concepts on this site?

Can you spot some of the DJs in your post above?

You can't get anywhere with MB unless you do the first step first, and that first step is always to eliminate your own LBs. Give it a try at identifying your DJs above, and we'll help you.

I'm going to chip in from another woman's standpoint. Last fall, I went back to work after being a SAHM for ages. It was a difficult transition. I don't work 12 hour days but I still had to build my stamina. I was tired and burned out after work. About all I could do was sit at the computer and play games. It's better now but it's taken awhile. Your wife has quickly gone like from zero to 60. It's hard on the engine.

Why did your wife go back to work? Was it a good opportunity? Did she feel like she needed to start work again? Was it a financial thing?

Was your child in daycare before? How does your W feel about the situation with her child?

How supportive are you on the home front? Have you picked up more domestic duties at home?

I suggest that this is a perfect time for a Plan A.

Perhaps you could send flowers to her work for her. If you can't afford a delivery man, take them to the business entry and have them taken to her desk or work space. Do it on Monday. It's a nice way of marking your territory.

Take her to lunch. Lunch at a really nice place is generally cheaper than dinner if money is an issue and you don't need a babysitter. She doesn't have much lunch time? Bring in a picnic or some Chinese food. Send in a nice treat for the breakroom and mark it from W's husband.

Since you have one car, pick her up from the girls' night out. Women can go out together and NOT pick up guys. It does happen but maybe she wants to get to know her co-workers outside of work. If done properly, it can be good for her job. Pick her up early and buy an drink for her and her friends or an appetizer. If her new work friends know you, perhaps they won't encourage her to wander.

Take your child to Grandma's for the weekend and take your wife out somewhere to decompress.

On the other hand, the reverse babble to "I need my space." might be "what's space's last name?"

Eternal vigilance.

I, too, tend to agree with killerjoe on this. There's nothing wrong with getting a little space once in a while, or with having the occasional "girls night out." Vigilance on your part is good, but I don't see the need to jump to any conclusions.

The stress of a new job, combined with raising a three-and-a-half year old, can be considerable. So you might want to hold off on the idea of adding to that stress by suggesting that she visit your family (which you indicated is a sore spot for her). You don't need to add to her stressload!

Nice little note or card in a packed lunch is a nice idea. Or maybe send flowers to her work.

She is sending...and I am a woman and an overworked, tired mom too...signals that she is probably feeling burned out, tired, overworked, tired of working and coming home only to do more work, cook, take care of kids...

I know. I feel like this and I am divorced.

You get the feelings and you want to dump all the responsibilities and do nothing! Or everything. And sometimes yea, I go out w/my girlfriends. To blow off steam, to gossip, to eat a nice meal, to feel UN MOM LIKE...TO FEEL ATTRACTIVE AGAIN.

And yes to answer your question...she is wading in dangerous waters. Why? She is having to GO OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME TO THINK SHE CAN FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.

How are you making her feel as a woman? Do you take her out "just because" and surprise her every once and a while w/babysitter, reservations, small gift, or flowers at work for no reason? Do you do the little things?

Do you help her around the house WITHOUT being asked? Do you equally help w/cleaning and kids and house? Why? Because at the end of the day, those jobs usually fall on OUR backs and it wears us down.

You can love somebody all you want...but if they don't meet your EN's then that's another story. She may be feeling like she wants to get out to just get free from the stuff again. And it is OK for her to go out w/friends if she does have good boundaries...I have single and married friends. We got out together and we do NOT pick up men ok? WE do blow off steam, do all the stuff I said above. So it is possible she is frustrated simply and needing space.

don't think it's an affair...but if she feels underappreciated...is overworked completely...is ignored emotionally...and you aren't doing the little things to celebrate her being a woman...then she is going to shut down emotionally...to you

and that is when an affair can happen. that is how I can see it happening on OUR end. Just a girls' p.o.v.

This is off topic a little but the subject line caught my eye.....

King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by
night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you you read further, okay?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.


I know there has to be a lesson in there somewhere about respect.

thanks for your input...yes i think she is overwhelmed and her self esteem took a hit while she was home. She said she is not in love with anyone with anyone else and that she would tell me if she was...i think i believe her.

I am working hard on my LB's - a know where I fail and am trying really hard to be better. I am trying to be strong and not appear sad and hurt and pathetic. she took of her wedding rings - and my heart is breaking. I have offered to take her out. I tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I offered to take pick her up from her "girl night" she told me no she would get a ride home. I work hard at my job and work hard at home - keeping up with cleaning. I do everything for our daughter.

This morning when we woke up (she is still sleeping in our bed with me.) I kissed our daughter and told her I loved her...my w said I could say goodmorning to her too. So I hugged her and said good morning. she seemed receptive. She is acting like evrything is fine..I would like to aske her to put her rings back on tonight but I am scared.

Ok, so can you pick out your LBs in the post I asked you about before? Give it a shot. You should be able to find some, but you can learn a lot from getting comments on what you may have missed.

LB...
I think I take it all too personally...i know her issues and still allow myself to be hurt by it. If I would just leave it alone she would probably come to me.

I keep going back for more. which makes her feel invaded and angry.

I jump through hoops to make her happy...but this is not the way - respecting her privacy and needs is the way.

Showing her respect and meeting her needs is a good start. Try to do it without appearing desparate or needy. Take a small step back and give her a little space and observe her ACTIONS. Listen to you gut instinct. Be careful not to confuse privacy and secrecy.

Have you read the definition of Disrespectful Judgements?

The post regarding which I asked you to identify your LBs had some. If you're serious about stopping LBs, you need to learn to understand DJs, so read the info on DJs again if you need to and take a look at that post again.

I want more than anything to be better to her and for her. I know I have LB'ed and DJ'ed her all over the place. I am really trying hard to not do this anymore. I was always trying to fix things - push her - make her see how good things are and how good they can be. All this just LB'd all over the place. I see the direspect and resentment in my post...what are some loving ways to show her I can and am capable of change?

Last night we drove home from work...she talked all the way - about 45mins. I just listened didn't interupt - spoke a little about my day - just so she knew I was with her. Watched the project she is working on. She got everything ready for dinner - which I didn't anticipatebut was really nice (I was doing other house stuff at the time)...we watched tv and talked throughout...like we normally do.

is there anything I am missing from the equation? I want to tell her I love her but - i don't want to push it...

The less specific you are, the less help posters here can give you. You seem to be trying to avoid specifics.

Usually when we ask someone to point out their own DJs in their own post, they miss some. That's why I've been asking you to do it, so we can help you see what you're missing. Since you choose not to, that's fine.

If the only person cataloging your LBs for you is you, you're pretty much guaranteed to miss some, and hence continue the destruction. Is your wife willing to fill out the LB questionnaire?

Hi mineownself...I posted this in another thread...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#2976373

confused42 pointed out to me that I probably shouldn't do various posts because things get lost.

this was what she told me was the major LB. My reactions to this situation were not quick and swift. My family manipulated me and trashed her...She did not feel safe and I allowed my mother to come after her. rather than protect her from it. I have tried to rectify this...I have pretty much cut them out of my life to try and give us space to live our lives without their interference and negativity. She said that they walked all over her boundaries and I did nothing. She lost respect for me and doesn't know if she can get it back. She said she probably could have handled my cheating on her better than this.
She said she lost alot of her self esteem during this time (she was also not working but staying home with our daughter ) and is trying to regain it. please read and let me know if this helps you understand.

Well - i just picked her up from work...and her demeanor was a bit more defensive tonight. She chatted all the way home like usual...but no warmth towards me at all. It is like a switch.

She talked about the op that I suspect the ea with quite a bit tonight. and of course there is a serious illness in the family that my w feels terrible about. The spouse of the ea also works in the building and my w kept saying what a selfish b*** she was because she was telling everyone how sad op was. and how her crush...confided in her that it was wrong for the her to have done that.
I felt sick all the way home...I tried really hard to stay focused and not defensive. it is bery hard...my heart just broke a thousand more times tonight. I don't know what to do. Grinning and baring it is just not working for me.
She actually told me she text messaged..and gave me "details" of what she said. I guess this is because she knows I am aware of what is happening. I don't have access to her cell texts so I don't know whats been said...
i feel sick.

my confusion keeps on going! She still wants us to go t bed at the same time together...which I can only guess is a good sign. so just before we feel alseep...i told her I hoped she slept well and that i loved her. She said she loved me too. this morning she was all - goodmorning - how did you sleep. before we got in the car she said "your girls are ready to go" and when she got out of the car she initiated kissing me goodbye. ??????? please someone explain her to me.

Ok, so that's one LB and you're working on it. BTW, it doesn't matter if I understand or not. What matters is that you understand what your LBs are.

Just because you found and took care of a big one doesn't mean you've fixed your LB problem. It's pretty likely that you have a lot more to get rid of. What are you doing about that?

Right now I am working really hard to not lb - i give her space...I don't ask questions about our relationship. I don't give advice to her. I don't talk about my work success. I am steering clear of anything that would lb. I don't touch her. I don't expect to be touched. I don't call or e-mail her during the day. I ask her if I can do anything for her to make herlife easier. I take care of our daughter, the dogs, the house, the bills. I buy little things for her that she might like. I am not resentful. I try to be happy - but going through this is difficult....so I suspect sometimes my mood isn't at its best...but i really do try.

Hmm, have you read the definitions of the different kinds of LBs?

It sounds like you're defining LB as "anything your wife doesn't like" as opposed to using the definitions here.

Once again, have you asked her to fill out the LB questionnaire?