I can't even start to trust my WW again. She tells me that she has not talked to the OM for more than a month. She still seems like she hiding things from me.

I checked the cell phone and it looks like she is deleting the call record after every call. Everything that shows up in the call log is only from me or her parents. I know she talks on it more than that because her phone bills show long conversations on her way to work. Also she deleted the text messages from it yesterday.

Things just don't seem right. My gut instinct says that she is still in contact with him but I can't seem to find any real evidence. She is covering it very well. My instincts have been correct all along and I can't pretend like everything is ok. Am I losing my mind?

I don't know about how to trust again, but I do know that as a FWW, I was trustworthy again. And I showed that by making sure that any part of my life was an open book to my BH.

Sounds like something is fishy. Plan A while you dig for more info.

You have your real evidence. Nobody deletes their call history unless they have something to hide. Why would you. My WH did the same thing. If she wasn't trying to conceal anything from you she would allow you 100% access to her cellphone. You have every right to ask for that until your gut instinct tells you she is behaving herself. So no, you are not losing your mind.

Should I confront her about it? I will want to believe anything she tells me. I am just worn out from all this. I feel like a bad person for spying on her.

Need2 - Get on the website for the cell phone service of your WW - that's what I did. You can probably enter the number and "register" the account and it shows all the calls and give you acces to past bills with all the numbers. I am sure it varies by provider, but my FWW's was usually about 24 hours off except for the end of the billing cycle when it wouldn't be current for 3-4 days. It was real easy for me to do since it was in my name and it works great. That's how I realized what was going on with my FWW.

Sorry you have to do this - it sucks.

My FWW also says she has not spoken to the OM in over a month (except one time when she saw him in carpool line), but I don't believe her. She doesn't use cell or home phone, but I think she may go use public phones. I don't know when I'll ever be able to believe her.

It's far too early in the game to trust her. I would confront her and ask her to provide access to the cellphone. You'll know from her reaction if she's still in touch. You could be completely straight with her and ask her why she deletes the call history? I must admit I hated spying too. I almost felt it was beneath me. But it gave me the evidence I needed that his A was ongoing. TT

You should not feel bad about spying - my FWW tries to make me feel that way - I don't at all. You should try the website thing I mentioned and then confront her. Try to get more evidence before you confront - she'll lie. Also, maybe you should be taping calls at home phone? Very easy to do - I did.

I have looked into checking the cell phone bills on the internet but the service she has does not offer this for a couple of more months. She does not hide the bills anymore from me but she seems to recieve a lot of calls that are on here way to work. The bills do not show the incoming phone numbers.

Try a voice activated recorder in her car - put it under the seat. I have not tried that yet, but I think I am going to. You'll be able to hear what she says on those calls.

[color:"purple"] [/color] my opinion is....

I believe trust is something that can be captured again if a person would be an open book and not hide things. At first it can feel like the person be required to be an open book is actually under a lot of scruitiny but if yoiu have nothing to hide, then deal with it if a person wants their marriage. Trust, once broke, takes work, a LOT Of work to earn.

If you dont have access to her all.. beware.
We own Verizon phones and the phone history is available up until the past 15 minutes and you cannot hide calls.

Just remember.. when you dig.. you just may discover things that are extremely pain ful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I have learned the hard way how painfull the findings can be. It hurts like heck when a new piece of the puzzle surfaces.

I just confronted my livin boyfriend of 6 years this morning.....I said to him since are always hididng your cell phone I'd like to see the bill when it comes in....his reaction why? I said because I don't trust you at all....I think asked him who have you been text messaging he said no one I said to him I'm going to ask you again who have you been test messaging....his reply no one....I said that is funny becuase yesterday your text message count said 838 this morning it says 847.....he then said I didn't know that was what you ment I thought you ment with her was I text messaging her......He then went on to tell me it was his friend Chris.....I told him I still wanted to see the phone bill......Also he is leaving his job which is where the girl is he had the A with....he told me some people from work want to take him out for his last day....said she would be there but it was no big deal since they were in a group....I reminded him that when the were in a group last time she was grabbing him under the table and they wound up in a hotel room together.....he then said fine I won't go.....he called me later to say he realizes that it was his mistakes that got him in this spot and he wasn't going to go........does the insanity ever end!!!

me also.. what i find the most weird is when i find things that I never intended to find without intentionally believing things or seeing them.

I'm right there with you - the worst is I have never found what I really do want to find - evidence that it's really over. I keep hoping to hear a phone call with her and a friend where she says the same thing she says to me (the EA is over and she has no feelings for OM etc.).

That has not happened. Admittedly, I have only heard 2 phone calls with friends and one was over a month ago, but all she really talked about was how great the EA was. I heard another call earlier this week that sort of implied that she had wanted to call OM - but it was not clear enough for me to know. It drives me crazy, especially since the last times I know she called him she used public phones - no way for me to know.

I have been wondering also if my WW is using public phones also. She won't use our home phone at all since I discovered the A from it.

Hi need2bloved43. My own WW got a secret cellphone, and had the bills sent to her at work so I wouldn't find out. But really that sort of thing is beyond your control, and not it's not worth much effort worrying about it.

Her A may be continuing. But don't lose heart. The situation usually turns around, and I expect that your WW will at some point not far from now start being open and honest with you. No guarantees, but it usually works out that way.

In the meantime you will probably continue checking, snooping, and generally trying to understand what's going on. That's normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

BUT! Don't give your WW attitude about it either. Be humble and forgiving, state your boundaries gently and kindly. No threats, no ultimatums. Most of all, remember you've pledged to be her main support and to give your love to her, in sickness and health. Her A is a kind of sickness, and you are not excused, in my opinion, from your pledge to care for her and give her your love.

Like MB says. Not just half-hearted, no holding back, give it 100%. Make her feel so loved that she can hardly bear the thought of continuing to hurt you. I know it's very hard to do, but I think it's very important. If you fail at that, it will decrease your chances for a happy outcome for your family. God bless your efforts and your marriage.

need, the others have given you great advice. Get the goods on her by putting a voice activated recorder in her car.

You should NOT trust your wife because she is UNTRUSTWORTHY. Only an insane person would afford trust to an untrustworthy person. She has to EARN trust and it sounds like she is not doing that; rather she is doing just the opposite.

So, get the goods on her and confront her with it. Expose the affair and kill it. If she pulls the usual "YOU DON'T TRUST ME!!!" defense, simply agree with her: "no [censored], sherlock!"

Don't feel badly about snooping; just feel badly that she put you in that position in the first place.

p.s. yes, you can trust her again. IF she earns it.

need, sorry I'd not understood the situation. Mistakenly thought you'd already exposed. My apologies. In your situation I agree with Mel you need to uncover the facts and expose. Mel is the one of the best here, and she was helpful with my situation. Largely at her urging I exposed, and I believe it stopped the A.

I'll also reiterate that one big thing you can do is to be kind, gentle, and loving. Firm, but loving. Be a safe harbor for her, and love her so that she feels loved.

Thanks, weneedhelp. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good advice---------> " Firm, but loving. Be a safe harbor for her, and love her so that she feels loved."