straight from Penthouse magazine

Dear Habiba,

As long as an alcoholic can get their drinks, they won't quit. As long as a cheater can get a fix from seeing their lover, they won't give up contact. As long as a heroin addict can find a pusher, they will keep using.

The affair partners are the addictive substance.

When the cheating spouse continues using, drinking, or pouring out their heart to their lover and stealing time from their spouse, it drains the love from the heart of the faithful one. It puts an unfair burden on the non-cheater to bear hurt, rejection, humiliation, work doubly hard to be desirable and loving, and STILL keep love in their hearts.

It's an insult to the marriage.

And it's not Marriage Building.

The idea of not pushing the no contact issue, letting the cheater come to his/her own realization, is New Age Psycho-Babble, and should be left in the 70's.

nkay, you didn't ask me but here's my opinion:

You are not being selfish in a bad way, but self-ful in a normal healthy way. Your husband will continue contact with his affair partner and rationalize in every way possible. He isn't going to be able to work on the marriage in counseling as long as there is any contact of any kind.

Our counselor worked with us for over 12 months. My H (soon to be ex) continued to be in contact with the OW for an average of 2 hrs a day. Sometimes he was on the phone with her on the way to the counselor's office. Sometimes he was on the phone with her on the way from the counselor's office to his work.

You're wasting your money on the counselor if he is contact with the OW. You might as well shred the money and flush it down the toilet.

Deltona, you are doing harm to vulnerable people. Your point of view might be better taken on another kind of site - something where polyamorism and "sharing" are more accepted.

Dr. Harley found a way to restore marriages. He did a lot of studying, observing, and came up with a formula from watching how broken marriages did get restored. Please don't mislead people who are at such vulnerable points in their lives.

Dang it Pep, I knew that story was familiar!

Unfortunately, Jel's approach is pure unadulterated crap. He does not understand the nature of addictions. Just ask anyone in AA or any other successful recovery program if recovery is possible while the addict is still using. IT ISN'T. Tapering is only an excuse to continue using the drug. The only thing that works is COLD TURKEY, complete and total ABSTINENCE.

That is not an "opinion," but a fact. One simply does not recover until all contact ends. This is the KEY to the success of Marriage Builders.

giraldelli, cold turkey is not "impossible" for your husband. Many people do it every day and your H is perfectly capable of doing it too. He doesn't WANT TO and as long he has a wife who ENABLES him, he has no MOTIVATION. An addict does not quit their drug until it becomes more painful to use the drug than it does to stop. Since you are protecting him from the consequences of his affair by refusing to expose him, he doesn't have to face consequences. You are aiding and abetting his affair.

Medically speaking, unlike Heroin or any other drug with addictive properties, there is no "externally' induced toxic chemical a person in an affair is withdrawing from. Its all internal and will NOT cause life threatening physical symptoms.

Nice try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jo

The Fog rolls in thick in JEL's part of the world. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your SO RIGHT!!!! just found out the A never ended! I just found out last night that the A was still going on! H left today and checked into a hotel to "think things through" I feel so dumb that I thought we were in recovery. I have a new take on NC. It's the ONLY POSSIBLE hope. Without NC, I've been wasting my time.

DaisyEln,

I am there with you. My WW told me it was over, that there was minimal C at work. Found out two days ago it is still there. Says there is no PA, just EA now. How can I believe that? I am now working on exposure and continuing PLAN A. We shall see.

This is the voice of experience.

No contact has to mean no contact. PERIOD.

When I read the original post in this thread I thought "What a load of [email]cr@p".[/email] What really set me off was the first few responses to it!

An addict, once they hit bottom and stop using knows that they can never use again. A little drunk is impossible for a recovering alcoholic. Likewise, a little contact, as Dr Harley puts it, sets the R back and returns everything to square one! No contact must mean just that, NO CONTACT!

Just an EA now? What the...? How is THAT better?

IMHO, you either buy into MB priciples or not. You can't pick and choose which ones are valid. Everything on this site must be followed or none of it will do any good. If you buy the Love Bank, Love Busters, Giver/Taker ideas, then the rest makes as much sense. If NC isn't good, what makes the rest of it any good. to stop means to STOP. Ending an A means it has ended.

Maybe I'd better wait till I'm seeing some color other than red here...Don't want to commit any LBing behavior!

"There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place."

The above is a direct quote from Dr Harley.(I copied and pasted it from his column on this site) Accept it or not, it is part of what this site is about.