happy monday folks....well i made it through the weekend and YUK - it sucks! Overall I think the weekend went well... please someone give this a read and tell me if you see any change in her...because I am too close to it and just can't tell if i am making progress or if she is just biding her time.

1st - she has been very nice - asking me if she can get me anything - getting our dinner together - wanting to do my laundry - thanking me politly when i do things for her - wanting to go to bed together at the same time etc...

2nd - she has been attentive to our daughter - parenting her - while i still do most of the work - she is interacting - telling her she loves her. She does talk about future stuff with our daughter - which seems to be inclusive of "the family" and all of us being together.

3rd - she still won't reach out to me physically at all. she doesn't tell me she loves me. - If i initiate telling her i love her - or touching her in any way - she responds. I accidentally told her i loved her last night - it slipped out - because that was what i was feeling - and she said she loved me too...not enthusiastically - but she could have just said "thank you" which is something she has done before.

this morning on the drive in we listened to music...and a song came from Little Big Town called right her - all about there is somebody who loves you and they are right here...that I know your heart gets tangled up sometimes - but there is someone here who wants to hold you tight - right here. You get the jist - but her mood dipped significantly after it was over...until something upbeat came back on.

there have been no phonecalls or text messages - through the weekend - I would think if she was in a recipricle A - that she wouldn't be able to help herself.

I have not discussed us with her - in a couple of weeks now - and think that at some point this week - or weekend it is time to talk. if she still doesn't know - then it might be time for plan b?

the OP that I thought she had a crush on - returns to work today after fathers funeral...ugh

PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT KIND OF VIBE THIS THROWS OUT THERE.

when my X was involved in her affair...she acted the same way at times and gave mixed signals....i later learned that that was when her BF was out or town or unavailable...also...up until my X ran off, she was still talking about "our" future days before!

DONT read too much into it...if she still shows you attention, thats a good thing...just take it for what it is and DONT smother her!

just remember......stop trying to make sense out of something that MAKES NO SENSE!!!

but keep your eyes open and KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS...when you say "i love you"...that is a way of pursueing her...(it dosent sound like shes there) unless she wants you to pursue her and feels the same way you do....SHE WILL RUN!! (so to speak)

hang in there bro!

oh yeah...one other thing in the stuff I noticed this weekend...we watched "two for the money" this weekend....which was pretty good. There was a scene where the guys boss sent a girl into his office to make out with him to build his confidence for the day. I jokingly said - geeze i need a boss like that.

well my w didn't like that at all - she gave me a sad look - and said what? what do you mean ...all hurt. I didn't think she would react like that - i didn't think she would care...I just said "i'm just kidding babe" and then it was over.

good point to the film though - at the end the w says to husband...in the end it is just the 3 of us that matter (them and there daughter) - i hope she heard
that.

hey sturg...thanks for the post...and keeping my head grounded...

Thats the last bit of stuff i picked up on...again your thoughts are totally welcome.

up...for some opinions on the last few posts....please

I don't really know what to say CL, but I wanted to bump you up so maybe someone would read this...I am not doing well right now because tonight will set the course for the long run and I am expecting the worst. I continue to wish you luck...it sounds like you are making progress...just don't give up...stick to your plan. God bless.

Lost

well she just called me to let me know everyone is taking OP out to dinner tonight...to cheer em up since the father's death. Which don't get me wrong is sad and i have no desire to be petty on this one...BUT - she needs me to pick her up around 9pm -which means waking the baby up and dragging her out to hike 45 mins to pick up mama who thinks this is more important than being with her daughter. yes i am feeling a little bitter. she has not gone out since this whole thing went down...do i shut up and plan a her - supportive and sweet?

the only thing she is doing qquestionable (that i can find) is text messaging during the day. I called phone company to try and find out if i could see content of these but they told me not w/o a court order. she deletes everything so i can never see what she sends out.

what now?

shes still playing you....

whats your gut say???

mine would say "you want me to do what at 9pm???, if thats the case, im going with you"....or tell her to take a cab...either way...as long as she still in contact with that dude....she obviously cares more of his feelings than yours...keep it in perspective.....

i wouldnt pick her up....

thats just my opinion

heres another thought....what would she "expect" you to do in this case??? pick her up and wake up the kid right?

DO a 180....whatever she expects....do the oposite!...but be strong....shes gonna be PISSED off at you...she prob gonna come at you with all sorts of vile crap....

just keep saying, "yep...yep...i understand...your right"..etc

but keep your dignity man...i was thinknig about what you wrote and it pissed me off....thats an ultimate slap in your face...do you think that for 1/2 a second ANYONE at the restaurant would have any respect for you????

let me tell you this...that dude shes messin around with...hes already told his buddies....guys cant keep that stuff a secret...in their eyes...he a "hero" "bangin a married chick"....think about it !!!!

dont take 1 step forward and 2 backwards....even if she stays out tonite...really...are you worse off???

wow...this pissed me off....sorrry!!!

now i need to DECOMPRESS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


kevin

Talk to your cell phone provider about a second phone with the same number as your W's phone, so you can monitor those text messages? Ask an agent in person if they can "obtain" those records for you, for a generous tip?

Call a trusted friend to be at the site of the after hours meeting and be your eyes during the outing. See if it's a group from work, or just your W and OM (of course, everyone else left early). Or hire a PI, since you know the when, where and why of this outing.

People who have lost loved ones are VERY vulnerable for affairs. I've seen it on here numerous times. Big red flag for a possible OM. It's easy for them to "fall" for someone offering generous amounts of solace and "support".

Even if you show up early, using the baby being restless as an excuse, you could do some recon on your own. Again, be cunning and don't get caught. Plus, if you "out" yourself just a "little" early, and it's just your W and OM, you can learn a great deal by her reaction, when her H and her baby must be introduced to the OM, don't you think?

One other thing about A's (addictions). When they see or are around the OP, they get their "high". They are often happy and outgoing, to the point of giddy. (puke) When they don't get to be together for a lenghty time period, they start to feel withdrawal, and become short, testy, argumentative and sometimes, combative.

You need some answers before this possible EA goes to the next level. You also will not be in Recovery until you PROVE she's in an A, and she takes ownership of that fact.

Right now you are rowing upstream at exactly the same rate the water is flowing downstream, and getting nowhere. You need information, confirmation of this mess sooner rather than later. Knowledge is power, remember. You need evidence that will stand up in a court of law. Anything short of that, your W will flatly deny, and you'll have NOTHING to fall back on, and your W will try to convince you you are crazy.

Stay in Plan A, but get busy getting the information you need to move forward. Have you bought "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass yet?

Time to get creative, willful and busy, my friend...Remember, ALWAYS stay cool, calm and collected. This is your marriage you are fighting for.
SD

shattered - excellent idea about the 2nd phone. Its all in my name so that shouldn't be a problem...excellent!

a little bit of knowledge is all i need....then i can decide what I want...if she is worth the heartache - i have lost a lot of respect for her in these past weeks. i don't even like her....the level of her selfishness never stops.

i talked to her closest friend today...who told me she said she just needs time to figure all this out. he told her what she would be losing...and that she was making a big mistake...but i don't think she hears anything right now.

sturg your right - i am going to 180 her.

alright...i got someone from the phone company to talk to me today...and while they can't tell me the content of the text messages...they can tell me that she is texting OP about 6 times a day....she told me they all text each other all the time...BUT phone company reports there are occassional other texts going out but majority of the 70 some odd texts that have been going out have been to that number.

last night - she decided to come home early...every time she is going to go "out" she changes her mind 1/2 way through. what is up with this chick...AND...am i going to have to spend the rest of my life with her always looking over my shoulder. Because if this is the case...i don't want to continue

oh yeah...one other beauty...i saw her put a card in her bag the other night and after some investigating I found it was a real estate agents card. priceless eh.

Oh CL - I am so with you in this. So much of what you say sounds like what my hubby is saying to me. Cept at least your wife is at home. Mine has done a runner <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Goodluck

Justine

cl.... ever call the Harley's for that appointment, and invite your W to participate?

Not only do you have to collect the evidence you need to bust the affair wide open, you HAVE to do some positive things for YOU. Even if your W chooses not to participate, the Harleys will give you a professional course of action to take.

Your W may just surprise you and join, but if not, you still get the full benefit of the Harley's experience and expertise.

Eh?

SD

Perhaps i should...i have already started meeting with a very good counselor...who has said i am doing all the right stuff and has echoed harley's methods....so i thought i was in good hands in this regard.

I asked her how we were doing the other night...very low key about it...i hadn't asked in weeks...she gave me one word... fine

i am working my butt off to do right by her and i a get crumbs...and it is not enough.

we watched survivor last night - i said something about how they were all "playing each other in the game" completely not directed at her at all - seriously...and she got really defensive. I said "babe - i'm talking about the show - whats up with you - and she was just oh sorry."

what do i do now with what i know about the text messaging?
It appears to tossed the real estate agents number - or at least put it somewhere else...because it is gone now.

Save the info till you have more proof.

Did you do recon at the outing the other night? Why did she come home early? How did that come about? Did you get a call to come get her?

Do you KNOW who OM is? What all do you know about him? Is he married? Kids?

Have you even consulted with a PI to see how much info he/she could get on your W at work, text messages, e-mail addresses, where does your W go for lunch and with whom? Can a PI get a court order to access the text messages? Could you get a second phone with her number on it so you can monitor those text messages? I don't know how that might work, but if I were you I'd be finding out.

If this is an unrequieted (SP?) EA only, it may be very hard to prove. But if your W doesn't even understand the concept of an EA, then how will you convince her she's in one?

She's obviously distracted from your marriage, and showing most of the symptoms of a WW. Be thankful you've only got the one car, and can account for her before and after work. That really narrows down the opportunity for contact by cell phone, etc.

Takings steps to get a handle on this will give you a sense of empowerment. It will make it "easier" to withstand her erratic behavior. Not easy, mind you, easier. All of this is hard. You need to get busy and nip this in the bud, before it has a chance to go PA. EA's are bad enough, but PA's are a whole new dimension.

Have you had that "night out" and celebrated your promotion at work?

The more you keep us posted, the better we understand where you're "at", and the more specific we can be in trying to help.

I would like to see you trying more to help yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,
SD

thanks for your help shattered - your input really helps....
i checked with the phone co. and can't get a second phone...all they could do was confirm the phone number of the texts. there were 44 outgoing from her and 36 replies...mostly between 12 -2 in the afternoon.

i have been going to see a couselor and it has been helpful...

i told her a little about whats up at my job...no specifics...counselor thought i should lay low on this...at least for the time being. I have been reading lots of books - including harley's. I have read en's and am working to not love bust - REALLY HARD...no judgements...no demands.

the OP is married 5 years...no kids....but owns house etc...she constantly is talking about him...i feel like she is throwing it in my face....all the things she likes...doesn't like etc...this person is mr. popular flirt & actively flirts with other girls on the job...at least thats what she tells me...i feel like she finds him a challenge.

she is a little more open to my touching her...but i don't want the rejection...so i lay low.

I showed up early at the restaurant...she was with a group & when she called me she said she was really tired and just wanted to come home....she offered to get me take out for dinner.

she said her work was upsetting her the other day...OP was out and she had noone to talk to about it...i was OFFENDED.

honestly she is not acting erractic right now...she is acting overly happy and acommadating as long as she gets what she wants.

i was talking about a coworker tonight at dinner...nothing about her that i liked just talking about my day...she asked me if she was single...i said i had no idea and had no reason to find out.

i think a PI may help.

Hi CL. The real estate agent's card has me concerned there may be quite a lot going on that you aren't told. How good is your intel? I think it's probably more than just texting.

Shattered talks about getting evidence. Have you looked into voice-activated recorder? Also some threads here have info on GPS.

me too...i am preparing for plan B - getting my stuff organized - and am prepared for the end of all this and actually i am starting to look forward to not having to do this anymore. I am incredibly unhappy...and i know there is someone kind and decent out there for me.

At this point the only way to get evidence will be with a PI because - i drive her in to work and home so a gps wouldn't help. she doesn't ever use the computer at home. everything she does is texting and she always deletes them...at this point i am waiting for her to slip up somehow...

anyway she has all day to f*** around lunchtime and all those long hours she is putting in at the end of the day.