Daggi,

Your husband reminds me of tear's husband in a way. Sometimes when we are really hurt, we try to self-destruct. It is a cry for help. Your husband hates himself and is trying to punish himself. Strange but I believe true. We humans are funny creatures. We do things that don't make sense. You are confused by his actions but so is he. He doesn't understand why he is doing what he is doing. All he understands is that it is not making him happy. It is not the solution he was looking for. Now he doesn't know what to do.

I think it is safe to believe that he still loves you. He never had friends, not close to family - he has no roots. You must be the closest thing and his only link to reality.

No he is wrong. It did change the situation. Look where you are now. Everything he did has brought you back to him. You need to tell him that. Ask him if nothing he did changed the situation, what are you doing in Kuwait trying to get him to come back to you?

Don't get confused or hurt by his words. Learn to use these opportunities to drive your message home. Just remember - don't believe everything he says. He doesn't. How you react will help him learn whether he can begin to trust you again or not. You have to be consistent - constant - unchanging.

he did tell me once, he doesnt understand how people can love him (guess he meant OW and me) i dont think he feels that he deserves to be loved, why i dont understand.

He told me he has no more pride left, when he said that it just made me sad, and i told him i would give anything to see the proud man that he once was again.

But when i say something like this.. like i told him a few weeks back, that he is constantly sick, he is down and depressed... shouldnt that tell him something. He got very defensive and angry, saying there is nothing wrong with him, and that he just got this virus and that was all.

His family are all very far away, and he hardly has any contact to them, even during our whole marriage, most contact with his family was being held by me, with letters. Maybe once a year he would call his mother of brother. The kids and me were his only family basically.

Guess i tore the ground away underneath his feet back then, maybe if i provide a solid ground bit by bit, he will choose to trust to stand on it again.

You mentioned tear's husband, does tear have a thread on GQ where i could maybe read about it? How did she deal with it?

It is because he doesn't love himself.



I recommend you stop saying these things. Don't point out what he is already painfully aware of. I suggest you point out positive things to him. I suggest you tell him how wonderful he looks. I suggest you try to build up his ego rather than remind him of what a loser he has become. Lie if you have to. Help him start believing in himself again.

I couldn't help feel for you when I read about your 5 hours on the balcony. I don't know why I missed that when I first read that post. It is amazing how many people jump off balconies in Kuwait. Glad you didn't. Just when I go about saying Kuwait is a God-forsaken place, He once again proves me wrong. Now that I found that, I can see half your battle is over. I blamed God for taking my father when I was 4 years old. I blamed my father for dying. Knowing what I know now, I think God did me a favor. I don't mean to disrespect your sister and that is not my point. We just don't always understand why things happen and God doesn't really owe us any explanations. God does love us all in spite of ourselves. God loves your husband too. Now here I go sounding like a fanatic. I am not a fanatic. I just can't deny the obvious.

i guess God can be found in places where you least expect him, and he is there when you dont even believe in him anymore.

I could never understand my mother how she turned to God so much after the death of my sister, i was just angry at him. She was 7 years old when she died of a tumor, i was 19 at the time and she used to call me her "spare-mom" when she was growing up as i was taking care of her when my mom was at work. I took care of her from the time she was a little baby (i was 12 when she was born). So i had a very special bond with her, today i thank God for letting me meet this very special person, and that i was allowed to spend all those years with her.

My husband used to be a very selfconfident man, there doesnt seem much left of it. I try to encourage him, when he applies for a better position at his work again. But he has gotten refused 11 times so far.

The other day he was doing some things around the house and when he left his hair was all messed up (he has long hair and wears a ponytail) so i smoothed out the hair that was sticking up and he just said, i dont care how i look. It seems like he just dont care about anything.

When i was still living over at his place, before he got this apartment for us, i shaved the hair out on his neck, i sewed up his pants and fixed his jacket. He even asked me to pull the strings in his mouth after it had come loose (he was at the dentist two days prior to that and gotten a tooth pulled). She doesnt seem to do any of these things for him, and it saddens me. He so needs someone to be there for him and to take care of him. I will do my best to do that with as little as he lets me do from here.

I will try to help him believe in himself again, maybe then he can believe in the future again (no matter if its with me or not), believe in his dreams... he still has at least half his life ahead of himself. He cant just give up like this. I think he has lost his believe in love as well, as i am not sure what they have is love.

We have been through pretty rough times ...husband and me, including living in a car for 2 weeks with small children. But we always stuck together and things got better again, if i believe it can get better again, maybe one day he will again too.

you mentioned tear's husband earlier, was she able to help him? I am just curious about it now.

To my knowledge, tear's husband is still in bad shape. I just see similar behavior. Affairs realy truly hurt us BS's.

Put boundaries on your comments to him. Say positive things. Even if he says a negative thing, turn it as positive as you can.

Right now I don't think MB is going to be much help to you (i.e. Plan A/B, etc.) I think you need to get your husband back to reality before you can truly apply MB principles. Keep posting here. We will help all we can. You sound a lot better than you did a couple of weeks ago. You are climbing out of your despair. Show your husband the path you have found. Let him follow you out but you need to be his guide.

yes, i noticed that as well... plan A and plan B are not something that would apply to my case, it just took me a very long time to see the big picture.

thanks for still having me reguardless <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i do think an affair is one of the most devasting things anyone can do to someone else. Too bad the WS doesnt realize this and is only on some ego-trip. I do know i have learned my lesson for life. It is sad that over time we tend to forget what treasures we have and cast them aside. I will never take anyone or anything for granted no matter what happens. And i also know that i will love this man for the rest of my life, and this is my choice. He is the most special person that i have ever met, i knew this in the beginning of my marriage, but somewhere along the lines i took him for granted, even during my A, i took him for granted. I expected him to stick around no matter what, how stupid is that??? And yet he still stuck around, and still does, he hasnt divorced me, where others would have long said "go to h**l". No matter what happens, i feel honored and blessed to have had all those years with him. And i am grateful that he is still in my life.

At times i thought i just need to get away, to cover the pain with some good feelings that i might get from someone else, but that would have been just as fake as my initial A and what he has right now. That is not what i want, i want what is true, and what i really feel. I want to be honest with myself and do what i truely want and feel. And this is the conclusion i came to. I will stand by him, no matter what, no matter if i am his wife or his friend. And i will always love him. I want him to be happy again, and i so do hope that he will be happy again someday, no matter with whom or where.

You are making a lot of progress. Just keep updating and posting here when you can. If you get mad or donw, vent that here and not on your husband. He needs to see a positive happy Daggi who believe in him.

i know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read tear's thread, well what i was able to read since i dont speak spanish, i so know how she feels right now. The guilt, the desperation to right things again, to stop the pain in the person you love that just kills you inside. I have been there for many many months. Well in may it will be a year.

For a long time i expected him to just take me back and then i dont have to feel pain and i can make his pain just disappear, but things dont work that way. He needed time, and i kept pushing to the point where we are right now. The more i pushed the more he retreated. I wanted to make things right, but for all the wrong reasons and i went about it all the wrong way, i wish i would have found this site a year ago, who knows where we would be today.

But no sense on dwelling on the past, the situation is how it is, there is no going back and changing anything. But i can do something about today, and tomorrow.

so be prepared to have me come here and write "books" when i dont hear from him for a few days or so. Thats when it gets bad...

do you think its bad if i send him a message every day? I dont want him to think i am mad or too upset not to write to him, on the other hand i dont want him to think i am pushing him. Just like a hi, how are you...

i also think that he is sick for such a long time, might have something to do with all of this as well. I dont know, just a feeling i have.

I don't think a message is bad. Just let him know you are thinking of him and hope he is okay. Why don't you ask him later (next time you see him) if it bothers him?

This isn't going to be fixed over night so just stay strong. You will make mistakes. we all do. You can recover from those mistakes.

Why don't you post on tear's thread? She speaks English very well. I am sure she could use encouragement. In her case, her husband is abusing her on occasion. That is the biggest danger for her.

yes, i know this is not an overnight fix... learned that by how long this has been going on already.

It bothers him when i write messages and when he doesnt reply then after a while i sent more messages, etc. But i am still trying to get control on this. I guess its just really hard, cause there is absolutely nothing to do here for me, and i dont know anyone. (cant even watch tv...lol) So i am really glad the laptop is back at least.

About tear, i read that he is abusing her, pretty bad situation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Wish i could speak spanish to get the full picture, thats why i didnt post anything on it earlier. But i guess it wont make any difference, if i misunderstand something i am sure she will let me know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, will stop by her thread in a little while.

Keep experimenting a little - not too much at a time. Find out what works and what doesn't. Be a little careful though in taking him at his word. He may tell you things bother him when, in fact, they don't. Remember he is trying to punish himself. He doesn't want you to be nice to him. Be nice anyway. Just don't say you need him, can't live without him, miss him, etc. Say, instead you love him and want to be there for him, wish him to be happy, etc. In other words, make it about him - not you. You'll find the right combination. I am certain he is aware you are supporting him. He doesn't know how to get out of what he has gotten in to. The OW is terrorizing him. Just be a safe place for him to visit, to call, to be around. Offer him refuge whenever he needs it.

We men don't like to think we need anyone. We think we can fix everything ourselves. We are wrong. Unfortunately we don't know we are wrong.

Didnt think i would ever hear a man say something like that, and i am glad for every little insight to a males point of view on things. Thank you for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think overall he is pretty honest with what he tells me, for the past months i have just been to deaf to hear him. Now when i look back at what he was telling me, it makes sense to me and i understand it. Back then it didnt.
He doesnt say much, and when he does it short and he doest explain, when i ask him to explain what he means, he says he wont tell me what it looks like inside of him.

The things he does tell me are that he loves her, he cares very much for me, he does not want to work on our marriage, but he does not get deeper into anything.

Why did you say OW is terrorizing him??? I never saw it as such, how do you mean that? I know he has complained to me about her, and he has always called her b***h when he does. But i am sure he complains to her about me as well. I have heard him talk to her before, and he talks to her very differently than how he used to talk to me.

What is rather strange, my husband calls me Babe, Baby, sweetheart and once he even slipped with an "my love". He also seems to be calling her "girl", as at times he calls me "girl", which is odd, since he never called me that before. He called me that yesterday on the phone, when i said these things with the rings etc. When he was basically telling me that he wont be doing that, and that he will be doing what he intended to do... which was selling the phone, and that i shouldnt worry about anything, he aint gonna have me and the kids live on the street etc. I kinda felt like my father telling me something when he called me "girl". It also kind of bothered me, cause i know he calls her that, and that he used that for me. But i didnt say anything and just let him do "his thing".

please do explain what you meant with "terrorizing him", since i dont know that much about their relationship or how a man "ticks" i have no clue how you mean that.

he just called... he wanted to tell me that he is sorry, that he cant come by today cause the guy wanted to buy his phone backed out and someone else that is interested needs to borrow the money for it first from someone else. My husband was very upset that he cant come by today, cause he cant pay the rent and the landlord downstairs always has his door open and basically checks everyone that enters, and he would grag husband. So husband was very upset that he cant come by today, cause its easter, and i should tell the kids that he wanted to come by and that he is sorry. He sounded like its christmas... (easter was never that big in our family) and he couldnt make it. His voice was very calm and friendly, said he was going home now, cause he isnt feeling well. He also said he would get us some PORK from on post!!!! My daugther looooves ham and has missed it so much, so i asked him if he could bring his "little" girl some ham, i even got him to smile on the phone.. (i heard that). That alone made my day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And these smiles remind me why i love him so much. ~sighs happily~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think he has been trying to tell you lots of things. You have heard them because you post most of them here. You just haven't been paying attention.

What do I mean by terrorizing? You said he keeps her in her own place and lives by himself. If I love a woman, I pretty much want to be with her. I miss her when she is not around. I also don't complain about her and call her something that rhymes with witch. I just don't sense that he loves her. I think your husband is totally lost and she vaguely resembles something he thinks he wants. She is a poor substitute. These women more often than not are in this for something besides love. I am willing to bet she is extremely jealous, extremely possessive and a constant nag. These are all the things a man trying to escape life hates - more responsibility. I think he may feel a sense of duty, obligation, whatever. All of the good in him makes him want to do the "right" thing. I am just guessing but I think maybe he feels a misguided obligation toward her. He made her quit her job. He is her sole support in his mind. He can't just dump her - he would be a jerk. Trust me - that is the way we men think. Stupid I know but so are we. I really don't know much about your OW so I imagine a lot. I imagine I am also pretty close. Remember I have been in the Gulf a long time. Even if I am wrong a bit, I am certain she is a short timer. You are doing the right things. Your husband will crash. Be there to pick up the pieces.

I mean when a guy is trying to sell his GSM to pay his estranged wife's rent, that is close to desperation. He is right about the gold rings. Gold in the ME is priced pretty much by weight and gold here tends to be at least 18K and 22K is more popular. The 14K we buy in the USA has little value here and then would not get much more than its value in weight. In the US and Europe, we pay a little for the gold and a lot for the design. Here, labor is cheap. Even so, that is not why he won't sell your ring. He won't sell it because it has meaning for him.

Well, she does have her own place, he is staying over at her place or she is staying over at his place. They do seem to live together at either place, except for the one time that he told me that she was at her place and he was at his. I dont know anything about their living arrangements, and he wont tell me, its none of my business. It seems from the phone calls i overheard, that when he is not with her and doesnt come back "in time", she "threatens" to go somewhere else without him. Then he "runs" home so she dont do that. He also seemed sad or disappointed or frustrated when he told me he had gotten into an argument with her. Its hard to tell which one it was, because he just seems so down pretty much all the time, except for the times, when he keeps himself busy,doing all sorts of stuff.
If he feels all this obligation towards her, and i am sure this is part of it, he would probably never leave her. He would always feel bad about this. Probably the same obligation he felt towards me when he brought me here. I dont know, maybe i am putting too much thought into all of this. I do know that he has feelings for her, or at least he believes he does have feelings for her. And he is holding on to that with all that he has got, no matter what.
And like i said, i am pretty sure the argument he had with her was about me or at least it had something to do with me, cause of the rent that he couldnt pay. The rings are pretty big and are 18K rings btw, just a little info <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And yes, you are right, i heard what he has said, but i only saw that he wasnt with me at the time, and so everything that he said to me didnt mean anything, cause i just wanted him to come back period. I only saw one direction, and that was for him to come back right away, or tell me to take a hike. I didnt understand this not being able to do one or the other. I guess i was going by how i acted when i was in my EA. Back then i told him its over for good, get a new life and someone else. I thought my Husband was playing games with me, by not coming back to me or getting a divorce. I see things a little different now.

Another thing about the rings, about 13 years ago, my husband used to be an over the road truck driver and after about 9 months he thought i didnt love him anymore (all that being apart did its job), and he left me for about 3 months, after he had left me in his mind he picked up a woman at a truckstop and was with her for about 2 1/2 months. During this time his wedding band disappeared, he dont know what happened to it, and it crushed him back then. We went and bought new ones later on, but maybe this has something to do with the fact that he cant part with the rings as well.

I just need to keep thinking positive, because when i think negative it drags me down and it shows, and even when i am not crying, he asks me.. whats wrong? This is still going to be a long "walk", and i hope i can keep my spirits in the right place for good. Thank you for helping me keep my spirits up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have only ever read the first chapter of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" so I don't know if it is a good book or not. It did sell a lot of copies. The first chapter was useful for me. Many men like to internalize problems. We don't want to discuss our problems because we think it isn't tough. We were brought up on too many John Wayne movies. I am trying to remember but I don't think John Wayne ever even spoke in full sentences. You cannot change us in that regard – not entirely. For me to want to really open up and lay my soul bare, that requires me to absolutely trust that person. Trust is something that is lost in an affair so it makes it really difficult for me to open up to my WW again. I had trouble even before the A. Now it is next to impossible. You know your H better than anyone. Trust your instincts. A couple of months ago I had a really rough day – I mean as bad as it gets. I can't even remember what it was now that caused it. In spite of our problems, my WW got in bed with me. She never said a word. She just held me and held me until I went to sleep. That is all I will ever remember. It is what I needed. She wanted me to talk about it but knew I couldn't.

Don't get frustrated when your H won't open up to you. Keep looking for other clues. Keep searching for ways in without pushing. You will get there. I have not been in your husband's shoes. I do work in the oil patch (like the old joke goes – don't tell my mother I work in the oil patch – she thinks I am a piano player in a wh0re house). I have worked with men like your husband for 24 years. I have met your husband a hundred times in that he is exactly like so many others I have known. To be honest, I have far more respect for your husband than I do for most. I feel like there is something genuinely good about your husband and that has my interest. I have seen so many men with less moral character simply drop off the planet. Your husband has not done that and, so far, won't let it happen. Something could still push him over the edge. He is in a very dangerous mental state right now for his well-being. He does need help. The difference will be you. Part of him wants to die and part wants to fight back and fix this. He is torn between these two and it eats him from the inside out. I think you are the key to which way he decides to go.

Again, don't give any thought to the OW. Your husband has no doubt she is not what he wants even if he won't admit it. Men will lay down their lives for those they love. Your husband will not sacrifice his life for the OW. He knows better than that. That is my opinion anyway. These Philippina women are generally more interested in money to build their houses back in Mindanao and this is their primary objective. I hate to make blanket statements like that but that has been my experience in the Gulf. They are not here for the beach at Al Salimiyah or the dining at Kuwait Towers. They have a goal and it is usually financial. Relationships are more of a "hobby". Keep in mind she is still married and her BH seems to be okay with things as they are. There is a reason for that.

I just read your last post while I was writing this. As people are always telling me – don't try to over-analyze the situation. We men are funny things. I know he may feel an obligation to the OW. I would in his position. But he is still quite capable of severing that relationship. Men get divorced all the time. He can "divorce" himself from the OW any time he chooses. And for him, it would be like divorce – at least in his mind. But yes he is capable. Just keep your spirits up, stay strong and keep fighting away at this. Gold is currently about $600 per ounce. I am not sure how large your rings are but I am holding a Krugerand in my hand at the moment and I am guessing it would easily make to reasonably sized wedding bands. Knock off another 15% for 18K – say at the best he can get $500 for both rings. That is about the same cost as a top-of-the-line cell phone in the Gulf.

Tell me – who cheated first in your marriage – you or your husband? I used to travel internationally 60% of the time. One particular year I did over 300,000 air miles – I bet I got no more than about 100 hours of sleep for the entire year – almost killed me. I was away from home 5 and 6 weeks at a time. I never cheated. I may have been tempted but I avoided opportunities as much as possible. Just being away from home does not make a man want to betray his wife. There must be other factors. It sounds like you two have some history and, up till now, have been able to stay together.

How long has H been with the OW till now? How long has he been in Kuwait? If you got there last October, it must have been a while now.

BTW, I noticed you edited your post. Just for your information, I can't see your edits - only the original post so, if I miss something, I am sorry.

Daggi,

I said yesterday that MB pronciples might not be useful to you yet. Based on your last post, I may have changed my mind. I recommend you go look at the emotional needs (EN) section of this web site. I doubt you will be able to get your husband to fill out the EN survey so try to do it for him based on what you know about him. Look at that survey and see if it gives you any ideas on things you could be doing. You said he was convinced you did not love him. I am curious how that happened. Was it true at that time? Did you really NOT love him when he believed that?

ok, i will get a little more into that. Back then he was on the road for a month or two at the time, then he would be home for a few days and gone again. It was a very difficult time for me back then, i had two small children 2 and 4 at the time, and i was pretty much alone in a strange country. I missed him very very much, and each time when he left i cried. At times when he came home, we would argue, and it would hurt me greatly, cause we had such little time to begin with. I just wanted the time that he was home, to be a happy time. So i asked him if we could not argue anymore over little things and just be "happy" when he was home. So i guess we kind of stopped talking about things that could lead to an argument, and the relationship got more distant i guess. I retreated from him as well, so it wouldnt hurt so much when he was gone, as i was falling to pieces everytime he left. I guess due to me pulling back to protect myself he felt that i didnt love him anymore. I think the same happened to our marriage before my EA. I had pulled back from him, so i wouldnt hurt anymore.

I did fill out the EN survey based on what i know about him, but the problem is, i dont know if i still know him. Lots of times i looked at the list and thought, how do i fill this out? How i think he needed it back when we were happily married? Because i dont really know what it is that he does need right now. We havent lived together in two years, i am not sure that i know what his EN are anymore. I do know he always needed a lot of love, and i was aware that in our marriage i had problems showing him that at times. I even found a birthday i wrote to him many years ago, and inside i had written... "I hope you know how much i do love you, even if i dont show it at times".

I think for him it is very important to feel loved, and i guess OW is giving him that feeling and that is what he is holding on to. Other than that, i am not really sure anymore about his EN.

So he cheated on you first. Why did he break it off with the OW? Why did you decide to start your EA? Was he still gone all the time? BTW, what country were you in during his A? That must have been very difficult for you to be so alone without friends and family around. So basically you stopped communicating in order to be happy and it backfired. It just gets back to how important communication is in a healthy relationship. I am not criticizing – just talking out loud.

As far as not knowing him, he has not changed in 2 years. He is the same man you were married to so don't worry about not knowing him. I think you do. You can still get him to smile over the telephone right? I don't think people change. I do think they grow. Your husband has not grown one bit in two years. He is stagnant so you can still predict him.

Please don't get angry and this may seem prejudicial but I have spent a fair amount of time in Germany and my impression was that the culture tends to be less emotionally expressive than, for example, your French neighbors. Could some of the differences or misunderstanding be culturally based?

My opinion of the OW is that she is easing his loneliness more than fulfilling his need for love. Just my opinion. Sometimes we can't tell the difference though.

well, he never considered it cheating, since he "broke it off" with me first before he got together with her. Well when he told me that he is leaving me (over the phone) he was already with her, it was a couple days before christmas, i feel into a very huge sadness and anger.. i pleaded with him and begged him for two weeks straight (always on the phone). He was icecold towards me. So after a few weeks i had contacted my mother in germany (i was in the states at that point - Louisiana) and my parents too out a loan for me, so i could get a plane ticket for me and my babies to go home. My husband kept telling me on the phone that he wanted to take our daughter because the OW back then had lost her own daugther in a fire some years before. I was so in pain and wanted to hold on to my husband, i agreed.. yes.. i know..Anyways my mom told me, i am not leaving my daughter behind and i am taking her with me, no discussion about it. I had the kids passports but my daughter had decided to make hers "prettier"...lol.. she had gotten a hold of it and had drawn into it with crayons, so i had to get her a new one, which took time, since i didnt have her birthcertificate anymore and i had to write to california first to get a new one first. All these things took a few weeks. While i was preparing this, i didnt tell my husband about it, i just kept asking him to come home, without any success. Then on my daugthers birthday he called to wish her a happy birthday and thats when i told him that my mom is sending me money and that i am flying home. He asked me a few things about it, not sure what it was anymore but i must have told him that i put the money in our account cause i didnt want that much money in the trailor i was living in at the time. He never said much to it back then... i dont think.. its a long time ago. But once i finally had her new passport and i was going to figure out how to get to Houston international airport and was going to book the flight... i noticed that 200 Dollars had been pulled out of the account where i had deposited the money for the flight back home. He had come through town and pulled it out, and left again, so i couldnt go anywhere. A week later i heard a truck pull up outside.. and it was him. He had come back, it took me a year to get over it, and it was all very awkward in the beginning, but we cleaned out his truck together, there were still things from her in the truck (she was a stripper btw...lol). And we threw everything away together. He helped me through it all, we talked a lot, and respected when at times i couldnt even touch him, cause he just disgusted me so much at that moment. He quit his job, which was one of the things that i said needed to change if our marriage is to survive and he got an office job at the same firm. Then we could have lived happily ever after, had i not had the urge to help my mom, i felt very guilty for her condition.

And then in germany, the same cycle started up again, jobs took him away... i retreated... well.. you know the rest of the story.

And yes, you are right about the german mentality. Germans are very "cold", i loved living in the states, i loved the mentality there. It helped me come out of my shell more just living there. I guess you could say germans are more "reserved" and i hate that fact myself. But i know it is also inside of me. And i am not angry at you at all, i do know all of that myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And i know he cannot be alone, he never could, guess thats why he ends up being with someone else so quickly after things go bad, he just NEEDS someone there for him. He knows this himself, he has told me many times.