You *do* deserve better. I'm so sorry you have had to endure yet another D-Day.

Is OM still babysitting your children, then? (Even just by proxy if Mom is doing it and he is there, somewhere in the house...)

Your mother sounds like she's in (understandable) shock. That poor, poor woman...

It is unfortunate that this happened, but it's also a good example of why exposure should be done as early as possible, to bust up an ongoing A. Your W is addicted to the feelings she's getting from the A, and it is apparently very difficult for her to break free from that addiction by herself.

May God Bless you, your mother and your children, 1woundedheart. I just cannot imagine how devastated your mother must be. Evil has penetrated almost every facet of her life, her safe home, her marriage, the relationship between her son and grandchildren.

Please tell that your W will not be allowed back under her roof?

My mom is doing ok, all things condidered. As far as things are this minute (!), my wife will be moving to another city this weekend with the 2 youngest kids, and I will stay here with the one in school until that is done, then we will move away as well.
Yes, my wife has effectively thumbed her nose at the family by continuing PI after exposure. This confirms that I cannot trust her at all right now, and the sooner and the further they are separated, the better. Part of her agrees, and part of her is still in the FOG and maybe hopes that OM will take her away. It is almost like she is 2 people sometimes. In that case, I am still in love with the part of her that can give us a chance. I have been through all the feelings of rage, anger, bitterness, sorrow, etc, and know that I have the right to divorce her, but I am choosing to love her (a more difficult path, to be sure) and "lay down my life for her" as a husband should (see Ephesians). Just because she has chosen a selfish and cruel path doesn't mean I should. No one is all good or all evil, we just make good or evil choices (some people are better or worse, but we must be careful not to judge a person, but only their actions).
More later. Thanks for the replies. Pray for us!

Hi, it's habiba.

I'm glad my H told my MIL. I know that I am being completely weak and cruel. Yes, it is revolting.

I feel powerless. Cold.

How can this be?

I always knew that I wasn't the good person people always said I was. If you met me, you'd actually probably think I was really sweet, loving, kind. You would be shocked, surprised that I would ever do such a thing.

But I wouldn't.

I've always known I was held in place by others' expectations. I've tried to please everyone, be the person I am "supposed" to be. About 9 months ago, I quit caring about "supposed to"'s.

How do I get back to caring?

Yes, I am a piece of work. A rotten one. No justifications, no excuses.

But I still don't care.

Help.

Habiba,

You have the power within you to be any type of person you wish to be. You have been blessed with children that you will look to you for guidance. You need to respect yourself.
Make this the first day of the rest of your life that you will be a person that people can love and respect. You can do this if you choose to do so. I wish you luck.

1WH,

I hope this post finds you doing better. What your W did is what usually happens when the WS says they want space to think about things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It is a lie, and your W has not really spent the time doing this.

Her post above is a clue. I am wondering about the OM and why you permit your children around a man like him. Your W sees someone to admire, I see a potential child molester and clearly someone with NO sense of family.

I am not sure about your W taking the two young ones either as she is not considering what she is doing to their future.

I don't know what to tell you, but I do know I would be seeing a lawyer, not to file (unless you want to) but to determine your options in this situation. It is more complex than most. It may become more straight forward if your mother divorces the OM, then you can cut him out of the children's lives, and clearly he needs to be gone.

Get good legal advice, seek a good counselor, and hope and pray that the selfishness that has overcome your W vanishes before she hits bottom so hard that many lives are destroyed by her choices.

God Bless,

JL

My mom has been great in this...she is obviously deeply hurt and betrayed, but she is also showing strength. She is being as vigilant as possible in watching the 2 lovers (though no one can see/hear/know all that goes on). She is thinking of soon telling OM's mom and children of the A. Those are about the only relationships that he cares about, other than my wife and our kids. When she asked him if he would tell or if she would have to, he replied, "Why do they need to know?" as if we should all keep the adultery secret so they can keep messing around with each other and messing up everyone's life.
It is hard for me to see the lack of grief in my wife, who normally is so compassionate and caring of others, but now is hardly anything good it seems. Her post above shows some of that, that she knows it is wrong but doesn't care anymore. They have each let their hearts and consciences grow cold and calloused. She wants me to keep loving her and trying, and to not get angry, but there is less and less to love, and she needs more than love to break this hellish addiction. I thought exposure would begin to stop the A, but it seems that they are determined to continue. Plan B is sounding real good right now, and unfortunately so is divorce. I am trying to hold to the right path, but she gives me little or no motivation to do so. Any advise for where we are?

If your wife continues the affair with your stepfather after all of this then I think it is time to seek out an attorney and go for a divorce. She wants to continue the sexual affair and have you continue to love her? What is wrong with this picture? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I hope your mom divorces him also. They make quite a pair. They sound like total narcissists who could care less how much damage they cause to people around them. You need to protect yourself and your children. I wish you luck.

1WH,

I agree with Bryan about seeking legal advice for your options. Your W's behavior and attitude is text for a WS in an affair. Nothing unusual at all, just very ordinary run of the mill "fog" from the affair.

However, please note that despite what she has said she is posting here. She knows she is not strong enough to do what she must, so she is seeking help to do this. You will NOT see immediate changes to the disclosure of her A to everyone. This takes time. The light of day erodes affairs, so give this some time in that regard.

1WH, the call for divorce is truely your call. I would definitely see a lawyer about custody issues as well as, issues of plan b, of moving, of her taking children some place.

Please note that even with her moved there is the telephone, internet, ect. So contact can be maintained if she wants it to. Sadly, even if you divorce her, you two have children and they will be in the middle of this mess and that will force contact between you and your W.

The odds of a marriage to OM working are about 3-5%. But, I am sure she feels that their love is "special" and will make it. It won't. The age difference, the method the relationship started, the fact the OM has no regard for family, many things will become clear to her, perhaps too late, perhaps not.

She won't listen to any of this now, so don't try to educate her. The thing that bugs me the most is that I KNOW I will be right and it is NOT what you want me to be right about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But, it is like there is a script written somewhere. If you had been here as long as I have you would be amazed at how similar these things are, and how they say the same things word for word.

So hang in there, see a lawyer and get an education, help your mother, and be a great dad to your kids. And let things settle a bit before you make any major decisions. I was told many many years ago. Never make a major decision with your life after a big crisis. If you can give it a year. I have found that advice to be well founded and it has saved me much heartache and a lot of money. I am not sure a year is warrented here, but as long as you can is my recommendation.

God Bless,

JL

Habiba,

I wasn't going to post but, you've got to understand the OM (FIL) doesn't really love you - he just wants that young thing. He's lied to your husband (his step son), his wife, your children and yes he also lied to you. Your whole relationship with the OM was based on lies - just a fantasy. This relationship will never work. What do you tell your children about grandpa???? Now he's your stepdad????? Come on you've got to think.

You're young, don't destroy your life and everyone elses. Be strong, break it off with the OM. You've built him up to something he is not. You may have made a mistake, but do the right thing either stay with your husband or let him go. Even if you feel you don't love your husband and you decide to leave him, at least you're being honest - don't keep him dangling. It's not fair to him, your children or you. Believe me, your head is clouded now, the affair is not what it seems/seemed - they never are.

Think about 20 years in the future with the OM, do you want to be wheeling him around in a wheelchair or wipe his drooling chin. I've read your other posts - do you think sex will be so great!!! You may think so, but I take care of my dad who had Advanced Parkinson's Disease - it is not pretty or easy - it's a full time job. I don't want to sound harsh - but this is reality - don't ruin your life. You may think things can't return back to the way they were with your husband - they can, if you want it to. You have to be determined. Remember, it's never too late.

Woundedheart: You can't let your wife do this to you. I can't believe the mess you are in. Your step-dad gave your wife a lot of baloney and she fell for it. Your Step-Dad just wanted a young piece of butt and your wife is mistaking it for love. Like I told her, the relationship with the OM will never work. She can't be around him in order for your marriage to work. This is never possible. The only problem is your mom - would she forgive her husband? What about her grandchildren? She is an innocent victim, like you. If she decides to stay with her husband - this may mean no contact with her or the grandchildren. Your mom also has to tell her husband to stop immediately.

You have to tell your wife, she has to stop the affair - NOW! NO TIME TO THINK. NOW! If you want something strong enough - you can make it happen. The only thing is, if someone doesn't love you - you can't make them love you - remember this.

Good luck.

Hi, Habiba here.

I have been a real wimp, not wanting to be responsible for any of my decisions.

I'm going away to a monastery for the weekend. My H knows, but I WILL NOT tell the OM (my FIL)...I must be alone and hear from God.

I will return, I will have made a decision. It is not fair to keep jerking my H around. I will stick by my decision and be strong.

In 20 years, I will have no one to blame but myself if I leave my marriage now.

In 20 years, I will have no one to blame but myself if my marriage to my H isn't growing and wonderful.

Thank you all for your advice, exhortations, and reality checks. I don't leave for another 2 hours, so I'll check back b-4 I go if anyone has anything to say.

Hi Habiba,

I'm sure you understand that your father in law isn't in love with you, right? I'm not attempting to stop you from going away, because it's what you feel you need to do, but...

I thought you were moving this weekend (per your H's thread). Guess the plans are waylaid a bit, huh?

Well, I wish you well this weekend and hope that you choose the right thing to do. I suppose the "right thing" is sometimes clearer to others than to ourselves.

Again, my prayers are with you!

habiba

i have been reading your thread from the day 1. Now i want to post to you.I was an OM. I was a horrible OM. My married WW was older than me (15 years). I played her like a fiddle. She did what i told her to do. She was so emotionally attached to me. She wanted the relationship to move on to PA. I resisted that for a long time and then broke it. I did not like who i was and what i was doing.

habiba,
i just want to tell you about the OM.

* He is using you
* He never loved you and never will
* You are just a piece of [censored] for him
* he will throw you out once his usagae for you is over
* HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He is just filling your fantasy. You know, he has all the time in the world to meet your needs which your husband does not. Your husband has to provide for you and his family. If the OM is in your H place then you will see his true colour.
* OM does know what to speak to you and when to speak to you. It is how he is wired. I know it habiba, i know how i was then.I was a sweet person to everyone. Very sweet. After this horrible experience, i have shut down.

* I can vouch that you make good conversations with OM. You feel that he understands you better than your H. You know what, its all strategic. I would be talking to my MWW while thinking how long should i talk to get her to bed or some grouping. I played. To get a married woman to bed is to open your ears and just affirm whatever she says. Give her an ego boost by sprikling some "you are beautiful", " you are kind"," I wont treat you the way your H treats you" here and there.

* Its all about Love units. He does not have to care about kids, bills and mortgage. You are a freebie... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. He can chose to fill as much as possible as long as you allow him to fill. He does not have to love bust you. He will never love bust you. He will care , do whatever you tell him to do etc. His only aim is to get in the sack.

* Deep down , the OM thinks about you as his slut. (i am really sorry to say that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) . Thats how the process of living as an OM does work. Are you one ?. No way. What i am seeing is a condiderate, kind hearted, beautiful mother of two who is confused as ******. But you will become a slut , if you follow the path of OM .....

* Who will have sex with his own DIL on his wife's house ?

If you want to have a good meaningful, fullfillig life, move away from your FIL. Kill him in your mind.

You dont know what you are doing, or you dont want to acknowledge that. But no matter what , a day will come when you wont be able to see your face in the mirror.....

(sorry if i m not coherent, just typing directly from my mind.)

Dhanush,

I couldn't have said this better myself. You "hit the nail on the head". The WS's always want so desperately to believe all the baloney they are given. This can also work "vice versa". Sometimes, the men fall for the same baloney - my husband was one of them. I'm not trying to say my husband was/is innocent, but I truly know this was his first affair.

The OW in his life was older than he, not that makes a difference,was "around the block" several times with other married men, and saw dollar signs in her eyes. After I broke off the affair (he didn't have the guts to do it), she waited 2 months and was already involved with another married man. Her affairs with the other married men were no secret.

Mind you, everyone works in the same place. Then the OW turned around and filed charges against my husband, because the new OM's wife found out and came into the office in a fury - said she was going to "kick her butt". So, now she didn't have anyone - had to get someone - picked my husband. He was told nicely to leave his company. This woke him up real quick.

This is why any contact should be stopped immediately. Even if it's only work, if the affair is broken off - CONTACT OF ANY KIND NEVER WORKS!

Habiba, even if you don't love your husband, get away from the OM - it will never work out. It's all a fantasy - listen to everyone on this site. If you do still have some love for your husband, then all the reason more, get away from the OM.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, saying you are not strong, can't do it - YOU CAN. Many people have left the OP and survived - you are no different - you can do it too.

Great words! It's nice to hear the perspective of a former OM. I agree, he is just using her for his own pleasure. Maybe long ago it was "innocent" and about something like a friendship. But once it went PI, both of them have only thought of themselves, and not even each other, and certainly not anyone else. The OM is a hypocrite in the worst way: He tells her to work on her M and gives her advise about it, but he himself is unwilling to do anything about his own M. Worse, his actions and words prevent her from ever moving towards me (who would want to give up the constant meeting of ENs to be with someone they betrayed deeply, for a marriage that needs lots of work from both of us?) and he knows quite well the effect of his actions and words, including making dinner and helping watch the kids. The thing is, she expects a lot from me (financial support, help with kids and housework, being loving and nice) and so when I do these things (quite willingly, I might add) they don't have nearly the effect as when the OM does them, because she expects nothing from him, and so everything is a gift. If he was in the position of being counted on to meet every need, he wouldn't gain so many points, and so he wants to stay right where he is, where his actions toward her can get the most points (and the most sex). He is no fool in that sense. He is using her, and I loathe him.
So far he has shown absolutely no remorse for his deplorable actions. And pretty much everyone who is finding out is harder on him because he should have "known better" and shouldn't have misused his position as FIL.
Something that troubles me (a lot does these days!) is that my WW doesn't see how this A is any worse than if it were with someone else. My view is that an A is always damaging to 2 families, but in this case the families are the same in a way, so the destruction is double.
The other thing I have heard is that keeping the kids near the grandparents is so important, as if moving away would be more traumatic than their parents divorcing. That is so stupid! My oldest son has actually relished the thought of moving to another city where his best friend lives. So at least for him, the move would be positive. (This is the same son who expressed fears of our divorce to my wife a few weeks ago.)
The problem is that I cannot convice WW to end the A. So I think that I will soon be going to Plan B unless some real changes happen this week. Pray for us.
More soon. Keep sharing your viewpoints.

1WH,

Have you hired someone to take care of the kids and replace your OM/Step Father? If not do so.

I will tell you now the follwing statement is
Is very right. It is stupid. Kids need their parents they don't need their grandparents to be healthy and happy. I know. Two of my kids never knew their grandparents and the first one barely remembers any of them. They all passed away decades ago. They are now healthy and well adjusted 20 somethings. That would NOT be the case if we split or one of us passed away. That is a very different thing.

So you are right to not buy into this "needing" the Grandparents stuff. Grandparents can play a very enjoyable roll in children's lives, but NEEDED??? Nope.

Get OM away from the kids and then move them. Your W was supposedly at a monestary in retreat. I guess that did NOT work out given what you have said and her continuing affair. Go see a lawyer and do it now, before you lose more than you can imagine.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,

I cannot believe that your mother is allowing her to stay in the same house with him. If she refuses to stop the affair then see an attorney to understand your options. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? The fact that your wife sees this as just any other affair is mindboggeling. She is screwing her stepfather in your mother's home where she is staying under her roof. It is massive humiliation to your mother and to you. The fact that she cannot see that this is a far different type of affair is unbelievable. The step father is a degenerate.

The fact that he is not remorseful is sickening. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why should she respect a husband who knows and apparently continues to try to please a wife who is continues to screw his stepfather living under the same roof? If you do not respect yourself then who will? I hate to say this but I think both of them are getting off on what they are doing to you and your mother. It must make it that much more exciting knowing that they are humiliating their spouses who love them in the worst possible way. They are really sick people. See an attorney and get your children away from these degenerates. I wish you luck.

Just to correct what you said, we moved out in December last year but live near enough that the A is still convenient, unfortunately. I can't force my WW to move away from the OM, but now that the A is exposed there is a lot of pressure on both of them from those around them. Very few have given my wife any encouragement to stay with him, and those seem to think that personal happiness is the most important thing on earth, forgetting things like holiness and love for those around us. To their credit, neither of them is an "evil" person, but what they have chosen to do is certainly evil and destructive. We all fall short of the glory of God, and will always need His grace. But the kicker is that grace is not to enable us to sin, but to help us to walk holy with the Lord. He will always take us back into His arms, but He desires more for us than that our selfish desires get met, especially to meet them "by any means."
For me, divorce is not an option right now. I know it is allowable in cases of infidelity, but I have chosen to continue loving my wife and to lay down my life for her as Scripture tells us. I cannot change her or make her be faithful, but I don't need to stoop to the level she and the OM are at either. As I have often told my kids, each one of us is only responsible for our own actions and reactions. Leave the rest to God. In loving my wife, I have chosen a difficult path, because to love is to be hurt sometimes, and to carry burdens that are not mine, and to lose some of what I have for the good of another. But then, that is Via Dolorosa, the way of the cross, the way of discipleship and following Jesus. If it wins back my wife, all the better. But even if not, I have gained by growing closer to God. Life is too short to life for myself. I know I will fail in this life of love sometimes, but I will not fail in not ever trying. I only hope that my wife will not fail to try, because our M has so much hope and potential. God is about transforming lives, redeeming us from our sinful ways and turning dark to light, failed lives into a new creation. That is my hope for my own marriage. As my wife read this weekend (she did really get away), Jesus waited for Lazarus to be really dead beyond any chance before He raised him from the dead. And so I wait for His call to our marriage, "Lazarus, come out! That which was dead is made new again, the broken shall be healed!" Not just a pipe dream, but "Christ in us, the hope of glory." I want our marriage to be a testimony of what God can do, that those around us can see not a failure but a success, something on the brink of ruin brought back to life and made better than ever. I cannot hope for anything less, and to that end I am labouring and loving.

Update:
We had a counceling session with Steve H this morning, each of us talking one on one with him over the phone. He encouraged me to stay in Plan A for now, unless I start to run out of love for habiba. Hopefully we can make a little progress; otherwise I will be going to Plan B just for my own sanity. OM sent dinner over last night, and when I found out it was in the oven I rushed it back over to him, along with some fiery words about his meddling in our marriage and preventing us from healing and reconciling. He either is stupid and clueless about how his actions affect my WW, or (more likely) knowingly does things to keep her coming back to him. And it works. And my WW doesn't get what I was so mad about. Granted, it's not sex, but dinner this week will lead to sex next week, whether she is seeking that or not. He continues to meet with her "secretly" and there is enough covering up that I know the affair is continuing, though maybe not PI since last week when I told my mom. The next person to know will be OM's mom, who is very "pragmatic" and can take it, but will also give him an earfull of how shameful he is acting. (Or is it shameless??) I only hope the A ends and my WW becomes a FWW and returns to me before I lose my love for her. I broke down and wept last night after putting my kids to sleep. I couldn't even walk up the stairs but had to lay down for a while. My pain gnaws at me, my guts are almost always knotted and sick, and I feel like I am beating myself against a brick wall trying to meet her ENs when the OM is still in her life doing a better job it seems. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, but she just keeps hurting me. She says she loves me still, but so little of what she does is loving (she is still doing little acts of kindness, but not the big act of kindness of ending the affair and having NC with her lover). She has little or no hope for our marriage, that she could be happy with me again, but she won't even try: "I have nothing left to give you." Try giving me your heart, I am doing so much right in trying to meet her needs and show love, but she doesn't trust my love. I don't know what more to do, or I would do it. I will keep trying to love her as much as she will let me, and hope that over time her heart will warm up to me again, and she will begin to close the door to the OM. My effort seem to all be in vain, and it won't take much more time for me to want to move on, and find someone else who will receive what I have to offer, who will be content with me. I am a decent guy, I know that. (My wife even says that!) There is a decent woman out there who will love me, and maybe stay faithful to me. If nothing changes in the near future, no more hope at all in her, then I will be moving on. She can't seem to make a decision, so I will make it for her. Only she will have to take responsibility and own it, esp. to our kids. ("Why is Daddy leaving?" "Because Mommy doesn't love him as much as she loves Papaw, and Mommy can't stand the torture of being married to Daddy anymore.") Maybe having to own her choices and actions will make her realize what she is losing in me: A faithful, loving, caring, devoted man, who she has had many wonderful memories with, and who loves her even in the midst of her infidelity and the pain she is causing him. Maybe it won't be too late, even then.