"He never really expanded on it. Except most of her problems were me." WHAT??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Whoa. That really sucks. That's like malpractice, isn't it?

Now, back to the unstun-me portion of your life. Your H's schedule.

Okay...I deal with mildly changing schedules...my DH works one night a week from 6pm to 4:30am...usually the same night (tonight)...though sometimes it works into two nights. The rest of the week is varied from 7am to 5pm; 10-8, 11-9, etc. However, I don't have young children.

When they were young, H worked 9-6 unvarying. Once, when he wasn't home by 6:15pm, I called the police, no kidding, to look for his car...having forgotten he had to work in the field that night. LOL. They said, "Lady, he might just be having an affair" and I said, "Find that Yugo!" ROFL. It was a small town.

This was the generous gift my H...though to advance in his company he would have had to travel two weeks out of each month, he chose not to, for me and the kids. Earned less, which meant that I had to earn more, and I wasn't very good at it back then...still, we chose much less for the more of his routine for me and our boys.

I'm not saying this is the only way...but your H's schedule is mindboggling. Might be something to factor into your emotional fatigue and physical tiredness, your insomnia, anger and resentment.

Life isn't about choosing the lesser of two evils on a daily basis...it is about being smarter than the box, creative expansion and trusting God for a lot of the in between stuff.

My opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wait a minute...is this one of those weeks H is off tomorrow? If it is, then he's up with DD3, not you, don't you think?

Probably not a day off tomorrow, huh? How about the nights before his days off he takes over DD3. And big kudos on going through phases with DD7, and that she's a sleeper! BIG kudos.

I would remove the television. Ack! Yes, I said that. I would first remove it from your life, find out how to disconnect from it...that was my first step in recovering my life.

Gee, and you thought my idea about H's job schedule was radical.

Heehee.

I was thinking about you and wondered what your priority list looked like...mine was Children, Marriage, FOO and then Me.

I found out that it wasn't in order, but not for a long time, until I nearly lost my Marriage.

God, Marriage (Me as Half), Children, Work, FOO...and on down.

On the DJ this morning (by your DH)...no question you love him...question is, do you love yourself? He already knew you didn't like to be called dear, correct? What profited you to tell him again? Also, you know it's a crap shoot in calling him...could be busy, stressed, distracted, etc. He knows this, too. So you have a signal (we have one) and it is up to him to say, "Hi, LA...I'll call you back." See, only he knows, so he has to say and I agree not to feel badly, rejected. I hold up my part...I fear interrupting him.

Okay, so the signal is his respect and no "dear" is yours...when he said, "Yes, dear." You hang up. That's enforcing your boundary. Done. No rancor or resentment. Whatever needed informing/planning didn't get done. No biggie. Respect is important.

If he calls back, be respectful. You know the coast is clear to talk and hold no resentment. "Hi. After work, we have option A, B or C. Do you have a preference?" You let go what happened because you enforced your boundary...and do it only after the second crossing because we are human and forget...I know I was called "Attila the Hun" for adding "Hon" after every sentence in high school...product of being reared by Texans in Southern California.

I broke that habit four years ago when my boss literally hit me. To this day, I have cravings, at times, to add, Hon, Dear, Toots to the ends of my sentences.

Still want my advice? LOL

I don't fault you for the med for DD3...how consistently did you use it to get her sleep schedule on track?

No judgment, just concern. I celebrate you including me in your life. Batty or not.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

lol! I tend to stress quite a bit when my dh wavers outside of the routine. Like the other night he didn't call me on his way home from work. He ALWAYS calls me on his way home. Well, he through the phone in the trunk of hte car and didn't think twice about it. I was a wreck by the time he got home lol.

My dh is a police officer. I'm afraid wherever he works, it will not be a "normal" schedule. His last place was a little more regular that he always worked the same days and only switched between nights and days every 6 months. During his 6 months of nights, we were very disconnected and it caused a lot of stress. We have and still are exploring other solutions, one that we both will be happy with.



Yup it is, but with the sleep stuff she was out early. He got of the hook tonight lol. He is usually really good about helping out with her when he isn't working the next day.



I'm really not a tv person. I watch two shows, American Idol and House. Rather than that I can do with or without the tv. We have gone years without cable in the past. I do have to monitor dd7, she becomes a zombie in front of the tv. DD3 only really likes snoopy and maybe a few others movies lol. My vice is this computer here. But shhhh don't tell I can't get rid of it lol.



I don't really have a priority list. I know that sounds bad, I just kinda go with things, deal with them as they come. I'm not sure any of it is more important to me than the others. It just depends on where we are at and what is needed of me at that time.



Actually, before today I have never actually told him Dear bothered me. If he is busy he usually will say I will call you back and hang up. In the beginning it bothered me. Now, I undertand he is at work, he is a police officer, he will call back when he gets a chance. I still don't know what was really going on today. He mentioned just playing with me, maybe I'm over sensitive today.


This is the first time I have tried it. More than likely I will use them for 3 nights and see how she does on the 4th night. I am not a big fan of meds at all, that's part of what has prevented me from using them up until now. I'm also not a big fan of an unproductive mommy because of sheer exhaustion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I do appreciate your concern. I too am concerned, and will probably sleep worse tonight, up checking on her to make sure she is ok lol.

I don't know if I ever mentioned that my dh reads here. He reads daily everything I write. Which is fine with me, I have nothing to hide. Tonight, I carried dd3 to bed and he showered and went to bed, this was like 930ish. I walked in and gave him a kiss goodnight. He said he needed lotion put on, I said "right now". He replied "don't worry about it. I know you don't like to be bothered." Obviously, he got it from reading here. I would like to help him understand that I am working through a lot on here. Sometimes, the thoughts just flow and it's what I am feeling right then at that time, and it's probably a pretty strong feeling. Especially when I'm tired. I am a strong feeling person and have huge mood swings. Which I'm working on of course. It doesn't necessarily mean that I am bothered so often that I can't do things for them, meaning him and the girls. I have a feeling as I get more sleep a lot of the bothered feelings will disappear.

Speaking of sleep, its 11. time has snuck by once again. Thanks for continuing to talk with me LA!

"I don't really have a priority list. I know that sounds bad, I just kinda go with things, deal with them as they come. I'm not sure any of it is more important to me than the others. It just depends on where we are at and what is needed of me at that time."

What if this is crucial to your resentment, anger, frustration? Would you make a list then? Keep it in your head to refer to in your hectic life? Like about the lotion? And so he WASN'T asleep when you put DD3 to bed, was he? Hmmmm....

Two things I heavily advise...priority list for you, a short one...and communication exercises for you both, twice a week. That have to be at least 48 hours apart.

What do you think? You game? DH game? Wanna start changing your lives...accepting the chaos inherent with younger children...preparing yourselves for the teenage years? LOL

Hey, I'm not kidding.

LA

I'm not sure I could make a list. I teeter between none of it being a priority to all of it being a priority. Honestly the one thing I stress the most over all day long is a clean house! I don't worry too much about my marriage, the kids, its this darn house.

I should clarify, when I put dd3 to bed she was already asleep, I just carried her to bed. She didn't last long, she was back up at midnight last night. I think she finally crashed around 530 this morning. When she was younger she would do the same thing. Whenever I would get her to bed at a decent time, (between 8-9) she would wake up a couple hours later and be up all night. Gonna have to figure something out. Hmmm now that I think about it, right now, her sleeping is a huge priority to me. MIght have to find a way to run her ragged all day so she will be exhausted at night.



What do you mean by communication exercise? We have worked with Penny, and we did Retrouvaille. Penny didn't work out at all for us, it was us not her. We weren't in a place to work on our marriage. Retrouvaille, we got lazy. THings were going good so we didn't "need" to do it anymore. I guess it depends on the type of communication, I feel blah blah blah, probably wouldn't really be something I'd do. I know that sounds harsh, I just don't have the energy to deal with it.

Oh yeah, I should add that my dd3 is in bed asleep usually no later than 9 (unless of course they are out running around) everytime she has them and she sleeps through the night. She may wake up once but that's it. When she had her last summer she was in bed asleep by 830 every night no problems. It's another one of those things that just reinforces to me that I'm no good at this mom stuff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Hi Better,

I've been following along on your thread, but haven't had much reason to comment until now.

I'm always a little bit concerned about your daughter and her sleep patterns. I wonder if you've thought about taking her to a sleep specialist?

In the meantime, I would like to suggest to you that when people do not get enough sleep, they become incapable of getting the sleep they need. In other words, when people are overtired (particularly children), they actually sleep less than when they are well rested.

And when a sleep deprived person begins to get the sleep they need, they become more aware of their tiredness, and feel more tired than when they weren't getting enough--so for a while, it seems like they are getting too MUCH sleep. And things seem worse (which isn't true--it's just that their body is becoming capable of recongnizing tiredness again).

It has always sounded to me like your child might be over-tired, rather than just someone who likes to be awake.

A book recommendation is "Healthy Sleep, Happy Child" by Weissbluth (not sure of the spelling of his name, and I lent my book to someone so I can't check). Your daughter is still young enough to make some headway on this issue.

Failing going to a sleep specialist, would you be willing to look at a book like this?

It's really really good.

PS. I used the skills not only for my daughter, but when I worked in pre-school as well. And I shared it with many parents who had trouble with their children sleep patterns.

Hi Telly!! Glad to see ya around. How are you? and your little girl?

I do agree with you, I think she hits a point of exhaustion and then can't fall asleep. You have to catch her at some exact point to get her to fall asleep, if it doesn't happen then, it won't happen. In Ca, we spoke to her Ped about her sleep she wanted to give her some time, being so young, to see if she outgrew it. What the ped then said we would do if she didn't outgrow it, is exactly what I am doing now.It helped last night I will use it through the weekend see how it goes and then see if it was long enough to establish a sleep pattern. Last night she did sleep from about 10 until almost 8 this morning.

I will check out the book and more than likely talk to her ped here about it. Thank you for your concern Telly!

Butting in.......

I am forming a belief that we all have our "quick fixes" when there is internal pain/chaos in us. Some shop, some drink, some blame, some withdrawal, some have eating disorders, and some..............CLEAN! Is it possible you are trying to fix internal messiness/chaos by cleaning your house? If you could just get your house in perfect order than you would have everything under control? But what if it's not the house that is out of control and isn't the thing that needs to be managed? What if it's your life, yourself, your decisions, your focus, your priorities?

I found myself doing this. The more I cleaned, the more I NEEDED to clean. It was never enough and I always needed to do more (sounds like an addict huh?). That was ONE of my "quick fixes". I think our pain tries to take the path of least resistance at times and it manifests itself in different ways in different people. The path of least resistance doesn't solve our problem in the end though.

Even though you are here facing your pain and issues, it could still very well be an internal thing you are trying to control by cleaning your house. I see not having a priority list, and having your LIFE priorities changing every day and every moment and not knowing what they are at any given moment a potential for "internal chaos".

I say "LIFE" priorities, because I'm talking big picture. Sure one minute it is a priority that you go to the bathroom so you don't wet your pants, or one day it could be a priority that you get some milk in the fridge, or one month it is a priority to get DD3 on a sleep schedule, but the BIG PICTURE stays consistent every day...every month...every year...regardless of the "short term" priorities that come up. You handle the short term priorities based on your BIG PICTURE list and order of priorities. It's the constant that helps in our very variable lives. See what I'm gettin at here?

Yes, I am now convinced I need to do this too.

p.s. I'm a fixer - I gotta fix, gotta but in, gotta try, gotta help, gotta offer suggestions, gotta talk, can't stop myself, warning, warning! (imagine steam coming from my head as I overheat and springs flying out of me as I malfunction).

LA~

Did something I say offend you? If I did, I do apologize, I never meant to?

Hmmm, in some ways yes I think some things would be better if I could get my house in order. Like, when I need to find a birth certificate or shot records. Or my dh brings a friend over and he needs a tape measure and we can't find it anywhere! If the girls could find their clothes to get dressed etc, I think other things might be a litle easier.



I see what you are saying. I just don't see anything really a priority. Today, the priority was to get my foster dog bathed and cleaned up. Yesterday it was getting him out of the shelter. Tomorrow, it's getting his papers to get him neutered. SUnday, priority will probably be my girls hair done for the week and some laundry so dd7 has clean clothes for school lol. I just don't see anything being more important then the other all the time.



LOl guess I should have reread the whole post before I posted the above statements. That's ok I will leave it and address this one. Big picture priorities, build up the savings and getting my teaching credential are really the only big priorities I have. My marriage better, yeah it would be great, but it's been like this for almost 5 years now, I don't really expect things to every change. We will either learn to deal with it or evenutally we will separate.

It just never seems to end. Dh and I just don't see eye to eye on anything. There just seems to be no way for us to negotiate until we are both happy.

Started with his mom wanting us to come see her for a family bbq on Mothers Day. She lives about 8 hours away. I told dh I am not thrilled with riding in a car 8 hours getting there sometime around 11pm Friday night, spending Sat. and then having to get up and make the drive back home Sunday. My dd7 will still be in school. His mom suggest dd7 miss school Fri and Monday. Also, not thrilled about that. I don't like taking my kids out of school just because. Dh said he agreed with that. But, he wants to go. Not sure how else to make it happen.

Now his mom calls and says his grandfather, who will be 90 next week isn't doing well and she saved a room at her house for us for Mothers Day weekend. I asked if he thinks she is using his grandfather to get him there for Mothers Day. He said no. He keeps saying he wants to go, he knows I do not want to ride in the car like that. It's too much driving in such a short period of time. I suggested he go by himself or take our dd3 with him and I would stay here with dd7. He wasn't thrilled about that.

Next up, which I think is even a bigger issue. He had an "informal" interview with a chief at a sherriff dept. yesterday. He didn't realize that this dept. was a little over 60 miles away from the house until he got there. They are willing to get him Ga certified, great, but part of the reason we moved is because he HATED the commute. He would still be working 12 hour shifts with a huge commute again. ON top of that it would be another $10,000 cut in pay. We already took that once to get out here. It would be a total of $20k in one year we lost. That's not including my income, because I was working full time before we moved here. THey told him that insurance is high for them, but they do work with their officers to get them their Bachelors degree.

He told me tonight he was going to fill out the application. Then wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him I had already told him once, we moved here to change our lifestyle. So he wouldn't be commuting so far etc. He said fine I won't apply. I told him if he really wanted the job I would support him in it. However, I am not moving again. He suggested we move to where the job is. I'm not doing it. I cannot move again. We both are finally making friends here, we've only been here 3 months. Moving is not an option for me. All of a sudden he was tired, he was in bed asleep tonight by 830. Granted he worked today, I'm just frustrated. We can't ever work through this kinda stuff.

It's all of this stuff that leads me to the ideas that we will never be able to work things out. We are so far apart I can't see us ever meeting in the middle <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

No, I took no offense, BTE. No apologize required or accepted.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your marriage isn't a priority, so it will end, BTE...it will cause you pain, anger, frustration, resentment...because it isn't a priority.

"Next up, which I think is even a bigger issue. He had an "informal" interview with a chief at a sherriff dept. yesterday. He didn't realize that this dept. was a little over 60 miles away from the house until he got there."

Why is he looking for another job? Schedule problem? No, you said schedule would be the same. Less pay.

Yet he wanted to fill out the application. What I don't read you as saying is that you asked what he was feeling, thinking, believing...

And you didn't share yours.

Is this a marriage? Trying to fix things from the outside to cure the inside?

"He said fine I won't apply. I told him if he really wanted the job I would support him in it.

Why did you lie? You wouldn't support him in a longer commute, same type of schedule, less pay...or are you saying you would? You'd put aside your reasoning to appear supportive to him?

"However, I am not moving again. He suggested we move to where the job is. I'm not doing it. I cannot move again."

Here is your lie to yourself--and it feels really good, I can tell. You would not support him, you would not move, and not moving is a choice, not a can't. This happens when you are in conflict between the wife's role and your self...self wins, BTE. You may sacrifice a lot for image, but self wins...because self is in you, can't be fixed from the outside, and image is an illusion. You would feel huge resentment, more distance from H and blame him for a choice you said you would support.

All future stuff that isn't happening. I address to show you how lacking intimacy, trust and O&H is hurting your marriage.

"We both are finally making friends here, we've only been here 3 months. Moving is not an option for me. All of a sudden he was tired,"

Emotional exhaustion occurs from all that is unsaid...worn out from the inside. Shutting down to conflict where there isn't any...goes to bed feeling inadequate, hopeless and defective.

"It's all of this stuff that leads me to the ideas that we will never be able to work things out. We are so far apart I can't see us ever meeting in the middle"

Again...where's your part, your ownership? If stuff destroys marriages...whose stuff is it?

I allowed myself to be sucked into your mechanics, sidetracked by the external, as you do. No centering, no ownership or challenging your beliefs.

I'm challenging this one--if two people are far a part and can't seem to meet in the middle, then they will never be able to work things out. I challenge that belief.

You're one of those two people. That makes all the difference.

LA

You are more than likely right. Dh and I had somewhat of a conversation about this today. He feels that I have thrown in the towel.



He is always looking for another job. He doesn't like where he is at right now. A co-worker told him he could arrange him to meet this Chief, and so they went.



I'm sorry I didn't fill in all of the blanks. He is thinking this will get him certified in Ga, which would open up more doors, (higher pay at other departments) which in turn would mean another move. He also said that the dept has a program set up with a distant education university that would pay for half of dh tuition to finish his Bachelors degree. He was told it would do the same for a Masters if he so chose.



I want to be able to support him I really really do. It seems I'm always shooting down what he wants because I"m never enthusiastic about it. THis is part of what I mean about us not wanting the same things.




I did. I told him I didn't like the idea of the commute etc. At the same time, he is an adult and can choose to do whatever he wants.




You are right I would be angry. I am sending conflicting messages. I WANT to support him. I really do. It just seems all of the jobs he wants is so different than what I want. Some will say it is selfish. Perhaps it is. I just know what I am willing and not willing to do.



I'm sure it's both of our stuff. It's my being unable to support him. It's me not being in love with him. Not being able to make an emotional connection with him anymore. I am just living in this marriage. There are good times, but it's not fulfilling.

He and I talked about this stuff this morning. I believe we are just goin through the motions, the marriage just is. It isn't anything I crave or desire, it just is. I love him for the role he has played in my life, I'm not in love with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />



How do they? We have been going at this for 5 years now. I'm tired!

Like little kids...I feel like we're saying,

"Did, too!"

"Did not!"

"I did. I told him I didn't like the idea of the commute etc." This was your feelings, thoughts and beliefs? Your fears...that all that brought you three months ago to that move to where you are now isn't working? Why look, DH? Why not change you instead of the job? Learn all the whys and hows...this is like betraying the marriage to me...putting it second place to job satisfaction.

When he is only working to support his family.

My H wrestles this...I do understand.

Truly sharing all of yourself with DH is the key to making your marriage a priority. There isn't two people wanting two separate things here...until you can be there, fully, in the present and listen to DH, how can you know?

How can he know, you?

When he said he feared you'd already thrown in the towel...what did you feel? What was he saying to you about his fears, torment, pain, anger, frustration...with you?

"I WANT to support him. I really do." Why? Why do you want to support him?

"It's my being unable to support him. It's me not being in love with him." Why haven't you prioritized this instead of a clean house, or happy children? Why wouldn't this be the biggest betrayal? If you were to treat yourself as a wayward spouse, what would you do to regain your marriage?

"Not being able to make an emotional connection with him anymore." That takes intimacy, trust, being safe to hold your partners feelings, thoughts and beliefs and NOT make them your responsibility. And for him to be able to do the same.

"I am just living in this marriage."

You are choosing to just live in this marriage.

"There are good times, but it's not fulfilling." You are not being filled by your marriage or your H...why? That's in you about you..

You are tired for many reasons...and it ain't effort. You use all your effort to stay, to be present, to not leave...doesn't leave much energy left for falling in love, celebrating what you have...your choice. You're living the consequences of your own choices...and you don't like them.

I'm asking you to move to the middle...stop seeing your H as distancing from you, wanting different things...I'm asking you to get down to what you want, why you want it and do some hard scrubbing on yourself. Find out why you are NOT willing to walk halfway towards your H, to actually BE supportive, loving, respectful and safe...

Tell me why.

Please?

LA

Taking you back to 3/0/06...

Your letter to your H:

"We had another argument tonight. WEll maybe not an argument, how about a heated discussion. This time, it was not in front of the girls. I just feel as hopeless about our marriage as I have over the last couple of weeks. I know I have checked out of the marriage. I just don't know how to end it all with the least amount of damage. I know I'm dreaming, of course people are going to get hurt. Mainly him and the girls. I

know the 2x4's will fly from yall. I also know that nothing can make me hate myself any more than I already do. Here is a letter I sent him after he left to work this evening.


I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you. I know that to protect myself I have lashed out at you and have hurt you dearly. You have a huge heart and I don’t believe you would ever intentionally hurt anyone. I do not believe, though, that I will ever be able to trust you to not hurt me.

We look at life and so many things so differently, that we just can’t get to a point where there is peace between us. You have told me that I don’t listen to you and that anything you say doesn’t matter. I am sorry you feel that way. I do hear what you say, but as you said for some reason, I don’t agree with any of it. I haven’t been able to negotiate to a point that we are both satisfied. Whether it is my own immaturity, selfishness, or my lack of trust in you this is something that I have failed at greatly.

Although the failure of our marriage can be contributed to some of the choices you have made and some that you still continue to make. I know that the ultimate cause is my refusal to learn how to let go of the anger I hold towards you. This anger causes me to dislike you no matter what you do.

I know there is no turning back and redoing everything we did wrong in our marriage. I just know that this cycle has to end. I’m just not sure how to end it. I don’t want to hurt you or the girls, yet, I know this will hurt them like crazy, and probably you also.


(end of letter)"

So we were working on anger, resentment, entitlement...tell me, what have you discovered and changed in two months in you?

LA

The commute cost too much money, he is already working 12 hour shifts. This is all stuff we have talked about. I have told him since this is his 4th job in 5 years, to look at himself first and maybe it's him not the job.



Didn't really feel much. Told him that in some ways it's true. I have given up hope for a happy fulfilling marriage.



Because I want him to be able to find happiness.



To me, they are the same thing.



It still goes back LA, to the fact I don't trust him. I don't want to be close to him. I don't want him to have the chance to hurt me. I don't think I will ever move past protecting myself. I dont feel safe with him. There is so much from the past, so many questions that I will never know the truth to. So much hurt.

I"m still angry. I use my anger to protect myself from him and I"m not ready to let go of it. I don't want to be close to my husband. I don't want to feel in love with him. I don't want those things because then he can use them and hurt me.

"It still goes back LA, to the fact I don't trust him. I don't want to be close to him. I don't want him to have the chance to hurt me. I don't think I will ever move past protecting myself. I dont feel safe with him. There is so much from the past, so many questions that I will never know the truth to. So much hurt...... I"m still angry. I use my anger to protect myself from him and I"m not ready to let go of it. I don't want to be close to my husband. I don't want to feel in love with him. I don't want those things because then he can use them and hurt me. "

OK, here you go. Here's your part of this marriage crisis. The is the part that is in you and only you can solve. You have the tools and resourcefulness to do this IMO.

I still think when you say your priority is "build up savings and get teaching credentials" you aren't getting "Big picture" enough. A big picture list will be something you can write down and refer to every time you make a big decision, like whether or not to get your teaching credentials. For example, pick the top three that you feel are important today and will still be in ten years from now too. These seem like a good place to start to me.

I want my current marriage to be healthy and fulfilling
I want my teaching credentials
I want to build OUR savings
I need to be capable of financial independence
I don't want my children to suffer through divorce
I need to focus on my relationship with God
I need to get some sleep

Take your time, challenge yourself. Step back and make this list based on where you would most desire to be your life 10 years from now. Make it simple and just identify top 2 or three if you like. Be sure that #1 and #2 are really the most important for you in the long term big picture sence. And make sure #1 and #2 are in the right order. Tweek my words or add if something doesnt fit quite right.

We can use your list as a reference for the choices you make....every year, every month, every day, every minute. This will help you get that elusive "internal" sence of control. IMO anyway.

thanks Jwoman for the confidence. Just not sure I want to do this. I thought I did. I don't like the feeling I get when I allow myself to be vulnerable. Tonight, we fooled around a little bit sexually. During it, I love it. Afterwards I hate the fact that I allowed him to be that close to me, to share with me, to be with me.

My priorities would be:

I want a healthy relationship with my daughters.
I need to be capable of financial independence

These are probably the two most important things to me right now.

Is he not safe with your heart, is that why you're mad you let yourself be vulnerable? Or is it just in you, you don't want to allow yourself to be vulnerable?

Think about your two choices for a few days, maybe a week. Challenge yourself until you are sure those are your top two. Remember you are thinking long term, 10 maybe 20 yrs. No judgements, just want you to be sure. When you are sure, confirm with us here. Confirm with yourself. Write them down to refer to when you are facing decisions.

I will offer you this part of my story. When I had laid everything out for myself financially to leave and discovered I can be financially independent, that I can leave my H and survive a strange twist happened that I didn't expect.

I was planning my financial future because I was intending to leave. But when I found out that I COULD leave, I then was faced with the fact that I was staying because I chose to. So IMO, it doesn't hurt either way to have financial independence. I guess as long as you don't use it to run from your pain and not face it. If you do that, nothing in you gets resolved and you are likely to face the same fate in the next relationship and so on.

I always heard "you need to earn yourself out of marriage" and didn't get it. What I had to suffer my H's wrath for X amt of years until I was free to leave?!?!? What that means to me today is that I have to learn my part, which was what I was doing to contribute and enable the problems. Then I have to work to correct my part, which for me means to stop protecting my H from my feelings and to find an effective way to communicate them. Also to work on myself to discover hidden beliefs and FOO issues, challenge them and replace them if necessary. In that I do my part. If I set an example to my H, and leave him alone so he can feel his pain and grow from it, work to correct my part and he still chooses to not accept his part, well I guess I have to wait and see what happens.

Solving our part isn't easy. We LOVE our old ways and beliefs plus they are an engrained pattern or reflex almost. I know better, but I still have such trouble stopping myself and changing my beliefs.

BTE you CAN work on you and your part. Use your resourcefulness and you will get results. Getting results gives energy. When you focus on your H, you don't get results. That drains energy and makes us feel hopeless.