I"m sorry I thought I put that I woke him up twice. He said he would be there in a minute and then fell back asleep.



Oh yes, I was probably more than resentful that he was napping. He is pretty much able to just fall asleep whenever he wants. I know that's my issue not his. He got up with the kids yesterday and took dd3 with him into town for a couple of hours. I was able to sleep in and it was the first time in 3 months I didn't have anyone at home with me. It was wonderful. I paid for sleeping in though, I was still up at 1230 last night lol

Actually, I am even more irritated if I don't get some down time at night. Without it, I feel smothered and I do get resentful of not being able to have uninterupted me time. I am going to continue to set goals to get up earlier. I have been trying, even if it's just 30 minutes to have coffee in peace.

I also reall need to figure out a way to not get woken up when dh's alarm goes off, then listening to him get ready (he really does try to be quiet), and again when he leaves.

Ok, LA, I"m back , at least for a day or so. We are supposed to be going out of town this weekend. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread.



Don't get me wrong, my girls do experience disappointment. I do agree that it's part of life and growing up. There is repeat disappointment from people that I think it's important to protect them from.



This is so hard to do. I will try though. He was upset this weekend about something. He woldn't really tell me what was wrong. I just cried and felt awful. I still have this urge and need to fix everything! When I can't I feel ten times worse.


We've been doing pretty ok lately. Just the tiff I mentioned earlier. He has been really down about stuff lately. Wanting a new car, not being able to afford the one he wants right now. I start feeling guilty, if I was working he could probably afford it.

I'm still waiting to hear about the vacation.

"Don't get me wrong, my girls do experience disappointment."

Being a mother myself, I wouldn't expect you to be able to protect them from the experience. I respect your choice in this regard.

You just cried and felt awful. No "I" statements? No, "When I see you as angry, I feel afraid. I feel shut out, like being punished for something they won't tell me I did." These are where we're going, BTE...O&H, being afraid and being O&H anyway. Owns your own feelings. He's not making you. It's not about him...but you. The tears are coming from your childhood, not now, not him. Own them. They are unexpressed pain...express yourself.

When our partners are down, we can share what we're grateful for...ourselves, not how they should view life. Time to admire, appreciate, notice and state what you know. No false pep talks...your real disclosures. Excitement about changing yourself, all you're learning...what you're reading...and listen and repeat his concerns when he voices them. Be safe.

LA

I am guilty, I didn't say much else. HE was at work, so I wasn't trying to get in a deep conversation and dd7 and I were on our way to a b-day party.



Thank you, I needed this. MY dh has been very down lately. Last two days he has been really having a hard time. Complaining quite a bit about work. Normally, I get upset, feel bad, and get angry. Not this time, I just listened. I didn't try to give him ways to fix it (which I used to always do), I just listened. I don't know if it made a difference to him, but it did me.

In the past when he gets like this I have been guilty of doing the whole"look what you have you should be happy, you have a brand new houset etc..." It's not my place to tell him what should make him happy. I can definately tell him how blessed I feel to have these things.

We are going out of town this weekend. The kids will be with granny. I can't wait to spend some time alone with him. IT's been over three months since we have been kid free. Doesn't seem like a long time to a lot of people, but it's just about forever too us lol

When he shares his thoughts and feelings about work (complaining is your DJ)...listen and repeat. That's it. No fixing, suggesting or cheering. You remain respectful and he feels heard. It is you showing you know he is capable at handling whatever it is that is bothering him. A vote of confidence by being present.

Darn...should have read past the complaining DJ, huh? WAY TO GO!!! Don't forget the repeating, though. Don't have to do it every sentence...just in the pauses.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are doing this already!! I'm excited. Doesn't work on the first try...by working, I mean, you won't hear him say he feels heard, or whatever, right off the bat. I'm sure you've done something similar, and then fallen back into the fixing, then midway in between. Consistency is your ally. In time (and not that long...a week or two?) you will notice his dance steps changing. In the meantime, you hold that respectful close and do a happy dance for what you are choosing!

Feels like years to ya...I'm glad for you and your away time. Stick with the listening and repeat and sharing your "I feel" and "I believe" thoughts...leave your expectations and measuring at home. Give yourself a vacation from them. Look at him new...and he will be.

((((BTE))))

LA

We are back from the weekend. It was nice. Didn't quite go how I wanted it to, but overall, it wasn't bad.

As soon as we got the girls back though, the tension just slipped right back in. We got home and I just dreaded being here again. Dh went to bed, I went in to talk to him for a minute. He said it's obvious we are back home. Zero patience on my part, don't want to be bothered by anyone. When we are home I feel like everyone wants something from me and I just shut down. I can't handle it. It frustrates me to no end, then I feel guilty. I choose to shut down. I don't know how to deal with everyone always wanting something. There is very rarely a moment of peace here. I just want to go on a permanent vacation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


********edited for awful typing********

Happy to see you, frustration and all, BTE.

Expectations come into play...do you have the expectation that others wanting something from you is like taking a piece of you with each request? What's your visual on that?

Expectation of peace?

Write out those sneaky expectations and we'll talk...'k?

LA

Hi, LA! You always ask the hard questions don't ya? Thanks for asking them!

I think the biggest thing is I feel/believe (not sure which one it is) that there is no personal space for me. That there is no respect for me. I am just here to give and give. When my kids are doing something they enjoy, they don't want to be bothered, ask to wait to do something until whatever they are doing is finished. When I ask for a few minutes, I just get whinning and more asking over and over. I get annoyed. The respect thing is more from the kids, not really an issue with dh.

With Dh, by the time he asks me to do something, the kids have already pushed me so far and left me feeling that I have given everything I have to give so I get angry at him. He tries to give me space, he really does. The girls, probably 90% of the time will come to me before him. I get so mad. THey will be sitting in the same room as him and come ask me to get them something. We have tried the shutting of the door and dh telling them I need time alone. Sometimes it works, usually it ends up with my dd3 screaming and yelling at the door until I am so fed up I just scream back. Or, dh and my dd7 will start fighting and I get up and scream at both of them. This doesn't always happen, just seems to be what I remember the most.

I feel like I am just here to take care of them all the time. There is no me, this isnt' my house, it's all of their homes, I am just here to take care of it. My husband probably feels the same way.

When I craved others' respect, I turned it inward and found I wasn't giving myself respect. Same with whatever it was I was wanting from others...even my children.

When I read this:

"When my kids are doing something they enjoy, they don't want to be bothered, ask to wait to do something until whatever they are doing is finished." I thought, "Addicts in the making." I thought that too harsh to share...what do I know, right? Then I thought I'd better share, because your beliefs are being challenged here, not your personal space.

You carry your personal space with you. You are violating your own boundaries, and seeing it as the kids' doing it. Your 3-year-old is at the critical stage of learning separateness from Mommy. Really tough, important stage. Closing the door on her teaches abandonment. Not personal space. Staying in the same room, you reading, her coloring, two independent choices at work with presence, models separateness not abandonment. With your chosen perspective, you are teaching her she's the problem. This was taught to you, also. Find out the ways you got that message.

None of this is judgment from me about you. I did not learn what I know now when my children were small. I am living with the consequences of that ignorance. Please rejoice you can make your differences right now.

When I asked for what visual you had in your head of being asked for, needed by, like pieces being taken out of you, I was asking so that we can change the visual, which changes the belief, hence, the feelings you repeatedly get.

Your children want directly from you because your DH has established his boundaries. You haven't done so. I'm not even saying he has done so correctly, but like water, children seek their own level, and will flow where it can go.

I haven't read it, but the book I'm currently into is "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend...and they have one "Boundaries with Children"...I would say, maybe make this your focus for now.

Tell me the visual image you have in your head in these situations. You are allowing yourself to feel drained, leaving nothing for DH, creating resentment and tripping over yourself. Good news, you can break this pattern. Bad news...you have to do it--it's not being done to you. Good news...since you're doing it, you can stop it!

Power, BTE. Your choices are your power. Own your part...tell me how you choose to participate in this power struggle with your children.

LA

I can see how I do this. I don't respect mysel.


I don't really think addicts so much, but if they are in the middle of a game they just want to finish the level, or the middle of a program. MY dd7 will say can I wait until the commercial or end of the show. There is nothing they do so much that it is a problem.



The girls do spend a lot of time in the room with me, them doing there thing, me doing mine. Everyone once in awhile, uninteruppted, not needing mommy, mommy can do something by herself time would be nice also. Yes, it was taught to me that I was the problem. I think I overcompensate in this area so that my girls don't ever think they are the problem. Then it becomes too much and I lose it. Does that make sense?



I see what I am doing. I just haven't figured out how to change it yet. I give and give and give until I am given out and then I totally isolate myself or throw another tantrum until the girls and dh don't want to be around me. I know that when my dd7 was a little girl, all I had to do was give her a little bit of time 10-15 minutes and she would be ok for awhile, and then come back for reassurance a little while later etc. I could do it then. WIth the second child, dd3, I see myself giving them each time and it takes all of my time. I am awful at time management (working on it now). I have become this all or nothing person.



As wrong as it is, I think it leads to the whole thing where it is easier to let your kids do what they want than it is to discipline them. My kids are disciplined, just using this as an analogy. It's easier (in my mind, obviously it's not or I wouldn't be so resentful) to just give and give than it is to teach them about my boundaries. It's funny my kids are pretty self sufficient. They just want me there all the time.

"but if they are in the middle of a game they just want to finish the level, or the middle of a program."

Okay, so not what I thought...like you having dinner ready and them continuing on, right? Not like it is bedtime, but they want to continue playing...all these things we did when we were young...we don't want the fun to end. Didn't have video games, but we did have tv...though that had a starting and ending point outside our control...video games don't.

So I guess I'm asking, where is the disrespect? If you believe your kids are being reasonable in their desires and your requests are not time sensitive...then where is the disrespect coming from?

You are feeling it. What are they asking from you that you're unwilling to give yourself?

"The girls do spend a lot of time in the room with me, them doing there thing, me doing mine." So you DO have personal space, correct? See, our feelings come from our beliefs...if you believe you are being drained by others' needs, then you will feel drained. If you recognize all the times you are not...separate and equal, not drained, you will not feel drained.

"Everyone once in awhile, uninteruppted, not needing mommy, mommy can do something by herself time would be nice also." You're saying you have this at times. Are you noting and feeling gratitude to yourself for those times? Gratitude for your girls to be able to be present with you and not in need of you?

"Yes, it was taught to me that I was the problem. I think I overcompensate in this area so that my girls don't ever think they are the problem." Consider this...being taught you were the problem is sick. Doing a 180 degree turn from that is still sick. We're looking for the 90-degree solution, with balance, which fits reality. I think you've just discovered that overcompensating is as harmful as undercompensating, because...

"Then it becomes too much and I lose it. Does that make sense?" You make sense. You are living a sane life...just an unreal one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I have been there, known that. You're still not defective in any way. You are not staying aware of your choices, even your choice of perspective.

You choose to give something...what? Time? Attention? Respect? Permission? Recognition? Acknowledgement? What is it you're giving and giving until that very choice of giving then gives you permission to isolate, resent, feel drained?

What else needs your time? If the girls weren't wanting it all day, what else is going without so they can have what it is you're giving (which you have to tell me from above and makes this sentence really hard to finish)...

Find out why your DD7 wants you there all the time, or if this isn't the case, and it is your DD3 who does. Address her fears with her...acknowledge her emotions as hers...demonstrate respect to her so she has the tools to respect...without fear.

I hear you about wanting the easier path...the one of least resistance...because I was like that. The more I allowed myself to see my life as confined and regimented by my children's needs, the more I resented, which made me more entitled, and like a volcano, I was feeing myself the fuel for eruption. Nowhere in that was respect for myself, owning my choices, or understanding my boundaries for me or others. Living on the tide of emotion, in and out, swept along, truly believing we are out of control.

That book I recommended awhile back...Between Parent and Child...really fast read, I might add. You might find out why your children want you there all the time, though they are self-entertaining and sufficient.

LA

\
exactly, normal kid stuff. The only video games dd7 plays is on the computer. SHe usually goes to barbie.com girly stuff lol



I supose it is in the belief that they want me to wait for them, but they aren't willing to wait for me. This is more so my dd3 than my dd7, which is somewhat age appropriate. My dd7, just asks and asks for something until I give in. She knows eventually she will get on my nerves and I will give it to her. Bad parenting, I know.



I'm not sure. I'm really not. Love? Attention?




I see what you are saying, I still believe they need me more than I can handle. If it's just one of them, I'm usually ok. OOOHhh right, is a good example. I put my dd3 in the bath. She has called me three times, I answered the first two times and fix whatever it is that needs "fixing". The third time I yelled "what" she then answers I love you! I hate hearing mommy all day. It drives me crazy!!



No, because I get it so little I find myself wanting it more and more. I very rarel can just sit down without one of the three of them, wanting something from me. Whether it's too look at something, help with something, they want something. There is always something!


I don't know what it is. I honestly don't. SOmetimes I think that because I never had a mom to show me how a mom is supposed to be I get overwhelmed. I have the idea of a good mom in my mind. What she should and should not be doing, I just don't enjoy doing those things. I don't enjoy being mom. Not very often at least. And it breaks my heart.



There is always something. The house, schoolwork, dh, me.



I'm sure my dd7 wanting me around has to do with her bio father leaving. She was used to it just being the two of us. Then there was my dh to share her with, who she really doesn't get along with, and then a year later dd3. Who as you know has had so many problems, that dd7 didn't really get the attention she wanted/needed.



Next time I go into town I will take a look at it.

Good stuff here...how are you feeling right now about this?

"I supose it is in the belief that they want me to wait for them, but they aren't willing to wait for me."

May I venture to ask, if you have a belief that you get what you give, then would it be possible that this is the crux of what is happening...you're giving and not getting, hence, you feel drained...angry, fearful and shut down at times?

I have the desire to do the soom-out, so that this isn't specifically about kids or husbands...our beliefs are our innocent parts...we don't have them one way about someone and another way about someone else. We struggle to do that, but our beliefs are truly binary...either 0 or 1; they don't do both, only one or the other. We can have two beliefs...one for someone and another for someone else, but inside, those beliefs are in conflict if they are basically about the same thing...and conflict can feel like fear, anger and pain as signals to us about the conflict.

"I still believe they need me more than I can handle." As long as you choose to believe they need you more than you can handle, you will feel drained, used up and want to isolate. You're doing this...they aren't. Because you have this belief, they don't. They believe you are thrilled with their existence, look forward to every interaction, and currently believe that you are an extension of them...your DD3 more than your DD7.

Also, this quote reminds me of people saying about their financial situations..."Either we have to increase income or reduce spending." Can you see the parallel?

" My dd7, just asks and asks for something until I give in. She knows eventually she will get on my nerves and I will give it to her. Bad parenting, I know." Change that from bad parenting to not feasible living. You set a boundary and have told your DD7 "No" to whatever her request was. You have your boundary and she has her desire. Each time she repeats her request after having been told "No" is the disrespect you are talking about. And each time you have to enforce the same boundary with a different consequence. First repeat, "You are disrespecting me, DD7. If you choose to ask again you will have to go to your room." Show her she has her own power in her choices, instead of the power to override you, make you change your mind, which includes the power to anger or please you.

When you enforce your boundaries, you are giving yourself respect, not requiring it from DD7. So you don't feel disrespected or drained, as a result.

With your DD3...back to the learning separateness instead of abandonment. Here is your opportunity to ask her, "What is it you're needing from me? What are you feeling?"

Ya have to ask to know. Teaching our children this now is essential to giving them permission to be open, honest and vulnerable to others, as we are showing ourselves to be, and being okay with that.

And I'm not saying you're DOING it wrong.

LOL

I got frightened you'd be mad at me. I think I'm going into my own 3-year-old self to say stuff to you. Ack!

Would you consider what you are hearing, "Mommy, I need" is not what is being said as often as you believe, because you've lumped all "Mommy's" into one need? "Mommy, look at this" isn't a need...it is a want to share...nothing required of you...if you choose to separate out the "Mommy's" and view them differently. To the "Mommy, look at this" which is sharing, say, "Describe it to me, DD7. Tell me what you see."

This increases their ability to validate what they see, their language skills and reinforces that their opinion and thoughts matter, without you having to see the same thing, have the same opinion, etc.

You expected your DD3 in her bath to need something else...she wanted your attention all three times. Were all three things something she could not do for herself? One out of three? Two out of three? Her last one, "I love you!" was saying, "I feel needy and scared and I've run out of excuses to tell you." Teaching her, "I am scared because...blank...is a great idea, a better idea than making up things to have Mommy's presence to face DD3's own fear. Teach your kids that their own fears can be faced, held, and that Mommy's presence is equal to their own.

I believe that you're on the journey to face your own fears, to relearn stuff...not coping skills, of which you are proficient, but living skills. Teaching them to face their fears, that they are enough, whole and complete as they are, will also teach you the same thing.

Unless you have other priorities...

Let's get to the no-mom example thinking. Spell out what you think a mother does, what is required of her...a lot of what you expect of yourself is coming from an unreasonable wishful little girl who pledged to herself, when SHE grew up, she wouldn't do ...blank...and would do...blank...a wishful little girl who had no idea of what it took to mother. Let's weed out the reasonable from the unreasonable and then see how you feel, 'k?

BTE, you're human, with natural limits...and we're working on the unnatural ones you've self-imposed so you can get to the natural ones. "There is always something. The house, schoolwork, dh, me." Prioritize what is most important to you...you already do this, but it fluctuates throughout the day, living reactively does that. Set down what you're responsible for in one day, and then change the list to go top priority on down. Then keep to those priorities the next day. Then rearrange them as you begin to see what you really prize...and then commit to that priority order the next day...adjust as needed, until your beliefs and your priorities are fully aligned and you're aware of them.

So, part of not being able to enforce your boundaries is what you owe to DD7; you owe her more because her bio dad left and it was just the two of you and she doesn't get along with DH well..time to get to what you are responsible for and what you have no control over; then teach that to DD7 as you know and understand the differences.

Serenity prayer...say it a few times a day. Brings clarity, not serenity, until you get all your beliefs in a row. Saying it really helps, though.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You can do this...you aren't anything I'm not. Your mother wasn't there to tell you she hated mothering; wasn't what she bargained for and she never felt so inadequate in all her life. She didn't tell you stuff because she wasn't there. I'm telling you because I was. I know. You aren't awful, unusual or crazy. You are wholly human. Your own beliefs are driving you nuts, not your kids. Good news!

Now...why isn't there family counseling in place for all the huge transition DD7 has had to go through, you have, and DD3 being born into it all?

That's all I got for now. Wow...bet this is long...been typing in between working. Really mounts up...and I ain't talking about the work!!

(((((BTE))))))

LA

Thanks, BTE and LA, for sharing this discussion, because I think a lot of us deal with being pulled in too many directions, and I think not just the moms either. I think too that sometimes I get caught up in my own issues and therefore am not as responsive as I think I "should" be. I think of my mom. She was from another generation, with a German mother, she was a SAHM who was never idle. She sewed drapes, embroidered tablecloths, made us matching clothes. We never expected that she would be able to drop what she was doing when we wanted her to, because the boundary was really clear, that she was busy. But then at other times, she'd take us on a bus across town to run errands, or for a walk to her friends', so we always had time with her.

I tried to replicate that with my own kids, but I wasn't blessed the same way she was. I'm more of a procrastinator, so when I'm enjoying the kids, in the back of my mind I feel guilty that I should be working on the house, and when I'm working on the house I feel guilty I should be playing with the kids. I do the FlyLady system, and when I get a routine going, it's so much better for me; I can enjoy each piece. Do you think something like that would help you as well?

hi EA~

Yes, I am a procrastinator, very very badly!!! So, I wait till the last minute, then upset because at that exact moment the kids need my attention. LIke today, I have blown on the computer, obviously lol. Not that "chatting" with LA was a waste because it is very beneficial, but all the other extras I've been doing, or rather not doing.

I'm not a big fan of flylady.net. I do post at declutterdivas.com and we are currently working on the change your life challenge. You can find info about it at http://www.changeyourlifechallenge.com/ even that I put off and then find myself behind and would rather just quit then play catch up.

Everytime I start typing I start crying. I feel awful.



More than likely.



I understand what you are saying. I just don't know how to get past the point of feeling resentment towards them for them needing and wanting me.



This did improve drastically when I was using 123 magic with her. Which is very similar to what you are saying. I get lazy or tired that day and back down and she "wins" again. In reality we both lose.



I do ask, she will either tell me, or she doesn't know. Or, like last night she screamed for over an hour straight. IF you talked to her she screamed, if you left her alone she screamed, if you tried to hug her, yup she screamed lol. She would not sleep last night for anything. I finally laid down around 1130 she came in at 12 something, again at like 2 something, then dh's alarm went off at 430. He finally left around 520 the alarm went off at 630. I am tired and grumpy today.



I can see how this is possibe. Especially, since just about everytime I hear Mommy, I think here we go again. Does it ever end.



I see what you are saying. Again, with dd3, if I even mentioned her being scared or anything else, she would take it to a whole nother level, scream for an hour about how she is scared etc. She's kinda like her mommy, once she has her mind on something, even if it isn't true she goes with it.



A mother is there for her children, reads them bedtime stories every night, sits and does homework, enjoys spending time with them. Keeps the house clean and clothes ready so life is smooth. I don't think any of that is unreasonable, I just don't enjoy doing it. At least no on an every day basis and I hate myself for it. The only difference between my mom and I is that I am here physically, mentally I am checked out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />



We did do counseling with dd7. I was told that it was ME not her. We were having serious problems with her behavior when she was about 3 1/2 to 4. Head banging, screaming, spitting, hitting, etc.



Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

Hey, it's okay, BTE...

You're doing growth work. You're hearing me say, "It's your fault" and I'm not. If anything, I'm saying, all the answers you need in your life are already in you. No blame.

"A mother is there for her children, reads them bedtime stories every night, sits and does homework, enjoys spending time with them. Keeps the house clean and clothes ready so life is smooth."

Here is your fairytale that you're working against. You believe that mothers should enjoy spending time with their children. They can, but only if they are fully present, with all other thoughts cleared out. They have to give themselves permission to only be right there, right then. How often do you attempt to multi-task while being "with" your DDs? Combine tasks, thoughts, worries?

Do you have a real routine for time? Set in stone bedtimes, with rituals...from the countdown to bedtime, steps of getting ready to rest, to the actuality, including tucking in, stories (read or not), just one on one time?

One of the memories I have is hearing my parents say that bedtime was when we were gotten out of the way...for them time. Instead of something nourishing I was doing for myself. We only grow our bones when we sleep. Our growth hormone can't get going until we're in deep sleep.

You know this...having two children with two different bedtimes is really tough. Alternating who puts the kids to bed is good, too. Your H does it one night (has to stick to same rituals and timing), while you spend time with DD7 and vice versa the next night. Make it intimate, reassuring time, for both of you. You, with a clear mind, nothing else pressing in or taking away. Fully present, with lots of self-admiration, appreciation and love because you're doing this...right here, right now. No big payoffs right now...delayed gratification (like by YEARS and YEARS)...

I have a story to share. My oldest son was like your DD7...a rager, a person who could self-amuse and then be a demander, drainer...we wrestled emotionally, bonded deeply through what looked to be conflict...he felt abandoned by bio-dad and at odds with my DH. When he dropped into Iraq three years ago, the guyer wire caught him around his shoulder and cut through his bicep laterally; it was a somewhat shallow jump so he had his parachute up and didn't face the risk of it not opening...rather the one of passing out from pain and hitting the ground unconscious. God saw that he stayed very aware and made the landing, at night, with no signals and way off base. And alone.

1000 guys drop within one minute of each other and my 19-year-old son lands alone and bleeding, with his arm torn out of his socket. He was terrified, having been briefed on ground activity that turned out not to be true, but he didn't know...and he had to find his way two miles to check point, in terrible pain and utter fear. He was crying and kicking himself emotionally for the overwhelming fear and pain...and he struggled, stop, took him three hours to get there...and he says, the only way he believed he did it at all, was thinking of me, his mom. My words from all those years ago came to him, urged him, calmed him, and drove him on, when all he said he wanted to do, was curl up, hold his pain and die.

There's your long-term, BTE. There's where you can't go from now. You won't know and it won't be the same; all you can do now is choose to believe that every word you utter, every moment you choose to be fully present with your children matters. Critically important and valuable. As mothers, we have to give that to ourselves for years, so we don't slide into being drained, taken away from or owed.

To be fully human and limited is not a sin. To believe that we get what we give is a sin. Why? Because we have no control over what we get and it's not part of God's design. Choose what you give so that you do not resent. Find the place of your choice to love, give from their without strings, and feel your joy in choosing to give; and remind yourself of your choice, your own reward.

"I don't think any of that is unreasonable, I just don't enjoy doing it." It is very unreasonable because you are not factoring in the need...in your fairytale portrait, the kids are happy with the attention--it is given in the right way, amount and time. Life doesn't work that way. Your priorities make it closer to it, but children are humans and what pleases them is not what pleases you.

"At least no on an every day basis and I hate myself for it." If you give permission to yourself to hate...yourself...then you will hate others. Permission is never granted one way.

"The only difference between my mom and I is that I am here physically, mentally I am checked out" There are a thousand differences between your mother and you...mentally, you are afraid of being a mother. You choose to be a mother, anyway. Your own did not. You run from what you perceive as your failures, store up resentments coming from your own unreal expectations, and are trapped all within you about you...and you can stop all of this, because the tangle is all one piece, all connected, and when you unravel the first part...the rest will follow.

So when you want to do this, let's go back to what you heard the counselor say was your problems flowing over to DD7. Let's look at them without blame, but for growth...growing into your power through awareness and ownership.

You are not defective. You have never been defective. If you have to repeat "I am whole, complete and marvelously made" 50 times a day, do it. You're worth it. You are valuable to life itself, to God, by God, and to your children and DH. You just are. What I'm emphasizing is that it is time, truly time, for you to be valuable to you.

LA

I am always trying to do a million things at once. There is always something I need to do or want to do. Not enough time in the day. I do see what you are saying though.



dd7 is set on a schedule. She is a sleeper always has been. Of course, it's the infamous dd3 that gives us the problems. She always has. The girl just doesn't sleep, routine not routine, she doesn't sleep much at all.



I don't know if I ever shared my dh's work schedule. He works 12 hours shifts, either 6am to 6pm or 6pm to 6am. On top of that he works rotating days. One week he works MON & Tues off WED,THURS works FRI,SAT, SUn. Next week it flips he is off MON,TUES works Wed, Thurs and then is off Fri-Sun. On top of that rotation he also rotates between day shift and night shift every other month. I do the best I can to keep the girls on a schedule. It is difficult. It's even difficult for me. When he works days he wants me in bed early with him, (very rarely happens) when he works nights he wants me to stay up with him.



OMG how scary for him and you I'm sure once you heard about it. I hope he is ok now! And please thank him for me for defending our country.




You are so right. I feel with them also no matter what I give they aren't happy. Hmmm they have love languages just like us huh. In fact their is a book about it.Maybe I will add that to my collection.



He never really expanded on it. Except most of her problems were me. I'm sure at the time it had to with me not being consistant. Trying not to make her upset etc. She was one of those kids when she got really upset she would hold her breath and pass out. I tried so hard to not upset her. It was awful to watch her eyes roll in the back of her head and her hit the ground. She grew out of it. Upsetting her isn't a problem now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Loving, I just can't get past this feeling of anger and tiredness. It's 1030, dh is in bed asleep. Dd3 won't sleep. I have a million things that need to get done. As soon as I sat down she came in and wanted the tv changed. Then she wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Next it was milk. I get so angry!!!! Dh worked all day I know he works hard. So do I! But, because he is the one who brings in the money he gets to sleep and I don't. Even when I worked, because his was the higher paying job his sleep always came first. Don't get me wrong when he is off he does help out. I have just been going all day and I want a minute for me.

Gee, that's a reoccuring theme isn't it.

Well, I did something that I had put off doing for a long long time. I gave dd3 something to help her sleep. It's just for short term use, it had been discussed with her ped in the past, to try and get her on a sleep pattern. It took about an hour to work, but she was asleep by 900. I am hoping to get in bed within the next hour now. I am sad, but I have to be able to start getting some sleep to take care of myself and my family.

Today was a decent day. Dh and I got in a little tiff. Nothing major. I called him to discuss plans after work. He started saying YES Dear, which he usually does when he is busy or bothered by me. I said are you busy, he said no, I said can you talk he said yes dear. I asked him to please not call me that, I don't like it, he replied"yes, dear" I asked what was wrong "nothing dear" was his response. I said dh I've asked you to please not do that I don't like it. "Ok dear" I said "I will talk to you later" and he hung up. TOnight I told him I really didn't like being talked to like that. It sounds very condescending. HE asked why did I get so upset, I said I asked you to please stop calling me something that I didn't like and you continued. He apologized. I really do love that man, he just drives me batty sometimes.