In don't feel safe with him. I don't feel that he would protect my heart when needed. I also don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable. I don't see what good comes from being vulnerable, from allowing someone to be so close to you. The ony thing that has ever come from it is pain. It's not worth it.



I know for a fact, had I been able to financially, when I found out the truth about his EA and the way our marriage began I would have left. I would have hit the door running. We would have already been divorced by now.

I know I have work to do. I know that I'm not "ready" to leave the marriage yet. I also know that I am not willing to invest, at this time, any more of myself into the marriage. I look at him, I don't want to be close to him (mentally and emotionally) I don't want to share myself with him. I am afraid of him. I am afraid to tell him my thoughts and feelings. Yet, I'm not ready to be away from him. Perhaps, I am comfortable with the situation, even though I know I don't like it. I know what to expect. I control it how it is right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am just tired.

"I don't see what good comes from being vulnerable, from allowing someone to be so close to you"

-The answer is true love and deep committment. A long lasting, fulfilling relationship where you are safe and where your EN can be met and where you can grow to be a wise and happy old woman with a fulfilled life and little regrets.

You have to be vulnerable with someone to achieve a deep connection with them. It's just the way it works, there no getting around it. BUT, my lesson was you need to be selective in who your vulnerable with. Small doses at a time to test the water and then go on from there. You won't avoid pain, but it should be someone who you can both grow and grow together when there is pain. Not someone who inflicts more pain when you are in pain.


Don't be afraid of pain. Yes it hurts, but it just means there is a lesson and oportunity for growth. Try to notice when you feel pain and say to yourself "OK, I'm not going to run from this. I'm not going to choose to 'suffer' in this. I am going to choose to find the lesson here and grow". Then post here and see if this board can help you find the lesson and give you strength.

Again, this appears to be your part of the marital crisis IMO. You didn't indicate that it was all him that made you fear being vulnerable. In fact, it appears it is mostly in you. That's good, because you can investigate, challenge and change YOU. you can't change him.

I challenge that you are comfortable with your current situation. You are here at MB, reading and posting. I believe you know you are in pain, uncomfortable with the way your life is now and you want more from life. Your insides want more, now you need to make your outsides take the action to get you more. Your relationship with your children will likely naturally be strong and healthy by default as you become strong, healthy and wise. What do ya think?

Perhaps your tired because you have spent many fruitless years focusing on the wrong stuff. The stuff that either isn't the real problem, but a symptom, or stuff that is not in your power to change. Maybe in your power to accept and grow to live with, but not in your power to change. That is what tires us out....Lots and lots of effort with no real results, how exhausting! I know, I'm living it now and just opening my eyest to it now. I have been fighting for 9 years of marriage, and frankly for the 5 yrs prior to that too. I know how emotionally exhausting and draining and helpless it feals, you are not alone in feeling that way. Focus needs to remain on you and your part, that's why you started this thread looking for LA anyway, right?

"I know for a fact, had I been able to financially, when I found out the truth about his EA and the way our marriage began I would have left. I would have hit the door running. We would have already been divorced by now."

-Maybe it was a good thing you coulnd't financially leave then. You hit the nail on the head when you said "running". You would have been running....away. Running away from your pain and the lessons and growth that were available to you in that pain. You wouldn't have had the opportunity to look into yourself and learn and grow. You would likely today be in the same place, doing the same things with a different relationship and going down the same path again.

In my marriage my H too has a way of dealing with his pain that is so obviously "wrong" that it was so easy to focus on what he did and is doing to harm our marriage, that I couldn't see my part. He was "bad" and I was "good". I thought I had nothing to change in myself simply because I wasn't as "bad" as he. It's sometimes even harder to grow in ourselves when our spouse does something so easily labled as "bad". It sort of overshadows our part.

Had your H come to you and told you he was in pain and feeling unloved instead of having an emotional affair, you would have more likely had to look into your part. But don't loose your lessons by focusing on his misteaks.

Thanks for talking with me jowman.

At this point, I'm not really looking for that deep connection. It's not something I want or need. I would like to have peace around me and in my home,yes. That's the reason I started this process with LA. I want peace within me. In order for that too happen, I don't need anything more with my dh except for us to learn to communicate better.



There is my stuff that plays a role in the fear of being vulnerable. Even in dealing with that stuff, I don't want to be vulnerable with him. I don't want him to have that much power over me ever again. I want this journey for me, not for him, not for our marriage.

I see so many people on here who feel as if marriage is this huge strong bond. I admire them for it. I don't see it as that. I don't really see it as anything more than being together. It's something that can end just as easily as it began. I know that sounds awful. I don't mean it to. I wish that it meant more to me. Maybe after seeing so many divorces in my family, it's lost it's meaning. Look how many people are here, made vows, and broke them. Really, what's the point of it. It's funny, one thing my dh and I can almost always agree on, when someone says they are single we usually say "you're smart" when we here someone is getting married we usually both say "I'm sorry" what does that tell ya about our feelings on marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I can learn and grow and not be in a position for someone to hurt me again. Why does he deserve another chance to do it again?



Yes, I would have had to. Instead I still have to do that and deal with his EA.

I honestly believe it would be easier to not be involved in a relationship than constantly having to do all this work. I don't see the reward in it. I see hopefull a sense of peace at some point. I just don't see it in this marriage.

"I can learn and grow and not be in a position for someone to hurt me again."

If that is the lesson you choose to get from this, consider youself age 89. You have spent the last 50+ yrs with no one allowed into your heart and you are not in anyone's heart either. Your children love you, but they are struggling themselves because they too do not see the value in marriage/vulnerablility/love so they are divorced single parents or have cold heardened hearts. Is it possible at that point you may regret your decision to close off the possiblity of a different lesson here? At that point do you think you will actually say "oh well" or "I lived my life to the fullest and taught my daughters well" and have no true and painful regrets? This is not just about your current H here, this is about a way of living your life I am challenging.

"Why does he deserve another chance to do it again?"

-This is not an invalid feeling or thought. Just because it may be challenged here, does not be you are not allowed to have it or that you are "bad" for having it. I just challenge you to question what you do with it. We are all human and make misteaks. What if a big hammer of judgment came down on us and we were doomed to ****** when we made our first misteak from ignorance or used bad judgement. We would ALL be going to ****** I tell ya, no doubt about it. Again it is easy to focus on the "bad" act, but it isn't going to do you any good in life to lable someone as "bad" and not worthy because on ONE misteak, big as it might have been and painful as it was to you. How would anyone learn and grow if they weren't allowed to make misteaks and feel their consequences? Are you the ultimate judge of people? Have you ever made a big misteak?

My struggle is that my H REPEATS the things that I have expressed causes me to feel pain. I've learned that in the past my ineffective ways of communicating my pain gave him something else to focus on rather than my pain. For example, yelling my words or doing it back. While my attempt was to improve our marriage, my method prevented any progress. I have learned better ways, but now I am facing that he continues anyway. Maybe it will just take time, maybe not. I don't know when enough time is enough. BUT, I did not expect it to be over immediately when I effectively communicated my pain. It will take him a while even if I am perfect in my communication, which of cource I am human and am struggling with, to "get my message". THEN, I will allow for time to break old habbits because I know how hard change is. BUT I am still struggling with the lack of any effort and I wish you could be grateful for ANY effort your H may show you since it's something I can't see myself.

"I honestly believe it would be easier to not be involved in a relationship than constantly having to do all this work. I don't see the reward in it. "
-The reward in it is personal growth. Personal growth is what allows for inner peace. Yes it would be easier to live without pain, but that is where the lessons come from. We can wish that weren't true, but it is and there's no getting around it. I read here that "pain is a lesson in a yucky package". The more painful an experience is, the more we grow from it and the more inner strength and peace we earn when the situation is resolved/lesson is learned. Avoiding pain unfortunately will keep you from growth and the inner peace you are looking for. Being in relationships and being vulnerable to pain is the only way to have those lessons available to us. Then we feel the pain and choose to get a lesson from it rather than find a way to defer the pain, like having an EA or running away. By avoiding pain or deferring it when it comes, we keep our inner childs running the show because they haven't been challenged and replaced.

By the way, yes you have to deal with his EA. BUT he has to deal with it too. It caused you pain, so he also has to deal with the fact that what HE did caused someone he cares for to feel pain. I don't think you are, but don't protect him from his consequences so he can grow too. Also, be aware of the way you present him with his consequences because humans will take the "path of least resistance". If you yell or punish or stonewall or withdrawal, he will focus on that instead of your pain. Just as you focus on his EA instead of the pain he felt.

I can show my girls love without being married. I can teach them those things. I don't think I would regret walking away from my marriage. I think I probably regret more ever getting married.



He can learn and grow from it. Perhaps it would help him make better decisions in future relationships. I have made big mistakes and I don't forgive myself for those either.


I'm sorry jwoman. I am in a really bad place right now. I am back to not having the energy to care anymore for any type of journey. I get irritated at everything. I don't want my husband around me, I don't want him trying to reach out to me and make things better. I want him to leave me alone. I just want us to be able to raise our children and let it be. I don't want to work for this big ol happy fairtale marriage that will never happen. I just want it all to go away.

I'll wait until you are out of this very bad place. No energy...no sleep?

We'll be here...let us know.

LA

Let me offer a few excerpts from "Your Don't Have To Take it Anymore". It is geared toward emotionally abusive relationships, but really probably any angry, depressed or resentful person can gain from it.

pg 19 "Resentment and anger at loved ones always dissolves into guilt, shame and abandonment anxiety. These painful, completely irrational emotions keep you attached to your H no matter how bad the relationship is-these emotiones developed in our brains at a time when leaving the tribe meant certain dealth on your own..."

pg 118 "The Great Lie of Resentment. Resentment SEEMS to keep you safe from future hurt by lowering the trust you have for the people you resent. If you get mad enough-and punish yourself enough you might not be "stupid as to trust him again". But does your resentment in fact protect you from hurt? When you're resentful, do you get hurt more or less? Remember, resentment and anger toward someone you love is always resolved in guilt, shame and anxiety...."

pg 101. "Although it may seem extremely unfair, you must choose between resentment and anger in the one hand and healing on the other; you CANNOT do both. Here's why. Resentment and anger have amphetamine and analgesic effects. They provide an immediate surge of energy and numbing of pain - a feeling of physical power - to replace the powerlessness and vulnerability of whatever core hurts have been stimulated at the time. But as with any other amphetamine, you get a surge of energy and confidence from resentment and anger, but then you CRASH. They always drop you down lower than the point at which they picked you up. When you get resentful or angry, you get depressed afterward. Think about it, after your resentment and anger go away, your energy is lower, you have more self-doubt, and your mood is at least a little depressed. You have borrowed energy and the confidence it brings from the future, and you have to pay it back. And that's just the physiological response to the amphetamine - it does not include the added depressive effects of doing something while you're resentful or angry that you're later ashamed of, like hurting someone you love. So here is what can easily happen: You get resentful or angry, then you get depressed. You get resentful or angry again, and you get depressed again. Pretty soon, your brain begins to look for things to get resentful about just to militate out of your depressed mood. To avoid feeling depressed, you'll have to be resentful most of the time. If this roller-coaster syndrome has happened to you, your life has become a joyless drive to get things done. You feel tense and irritable most of the time, and are not as sweet to your kids as you normally would be. It's impossible to feel lovable while you feel resentful and it's very hard to treat others lovingly. Resentment and anger numb the pain of core hurts, but they also prevent healing...."

My interpretation for you is when you do something that is against your "code" (ie be resentful toward someone you care for or not attempt to have a loving/fulfilling marriage) you are likely to feel worse about yourself and then in turn make more decisions that will make you feel even worse and exausted and hopeless. This is a cycle that will continue until it is reversed. It works the other way too. When you do something that is in line with your "code" or maybe even your priority list, you will feel better about yourself and have more innner peace and strength to do something again that is from your core and increases your self worth. So on and so on.

Maybe you would enjoy this book as I have. It goes into specific ways to heal and improve your self worth/core value. And how to learn to live from our core value and turn that cycle around and keep it spinning in a favorable direction.

"I can show my girls love without being married. I can teach them those things."

Yes you can, and you should do your best. I see that there is a different dynamic in relationships that are not bound by blood where many lessons live. Lessons in a mother/daughter relationship just aren't the same ones we learn from friendships and opposite sex committed relationships. You can't teach them those simply because of the dynamic, not because you are incompetent.

Again from "YDHTTIA", not quoted though...People need to love others and be loved in order to thrive. It's a biological fact proven that babies that are not loved and held or are not able to show love to a parent (maybe due to a depressed parent who won't accept it) will not thrive. You NEED to love and so do your kids. When you have left this world, they will still NEED someone to love and they will need the skills to know how to do it and to make it work.

Pg. 28 also talks about sleeping troubles. Near term-taking too long to fall asleep, end term-waking up too early and mid term-waking up for at least a couple hours in the middle of the night. I know there are other factors involved in your lack of sleep beyone you, and I don't recall what stage your sleep was interruped. But it does confirm tired and cranky from not enough sleep, which we already know. It also adds that mid term sleep disturbances has the most powerful effect on mood and after only a few weeks can produce biological depression. Just some more food for thought.

thanks Jwoman.

I have the book. I've read part of it. Haven't picked it up in a couple of weeks. I can't explain how I feel about all of this. I haven't been able to put it in words. I guess basically, not sure if this is what I"m really trying to say, and I don't mean to offend anyone, and my thoughts may change next week lol, it just seems like a lot of work for an awful small payout.

I'm always surprised too how I can feel so sure about something and feel I will feel that way forever and fight to the death for it, then a week later look back on it and think, "what the h*ll was I thinking!" LOL too. Good night.

I feel so much anger and resentment still with dh. I keep pushing him away. I just want to be. I am tired of hurting hima nd the girls tired of hurting myself.

I got so frustrated with him today. One of his coworkers was supposed to come over today to help us hang blinds. I bought them last night had them ready to go (2 of them were too long,) but the rest were ready. Something came up and he couldn't make it over. I wasn't mad about that. More angry because dh couldn't do it himself or with help from me. He has lots of other great things he can do like he is an awesome cook! But he isn't handy around the house and I, for some reason, really get irritated about it. He helps with kids, so much more than a lot of dads, he is doesn't go out drinking, he isn't running the streets. Why can't I appreciate what I have instead of being so unhappy. I just look at him and I don't feel love I void of feeling. If I'm not angry I am sad. There doesn't seem to be much more that comes from me anymore. How did I end up so screwed up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

When you become tired enough, you'll stop.

Part of the process.

You're not screwed up...you are human. You have been storing up resentments and anger all your life...giving yourself no permission to feel them, validate them as yours...coming from you. Even in what you typed...about the blinds...about how DH truly has strengths and you look at his weakness, you deny yourself your feelings...because by feeling them, you see yourself betraying him...

when all along, it is you that you repeatedly, consistently betray.

Which could give you immense fear, anger and resentment.

When you get tired enough of looping, you'll change your beliefs...

I believe in you.

LA

I'm not sure I understand the connection between feeling my feelings and betraying my dh, would you mind explaining further?



I don't ask this question to dispute you, but to help me understand more. If I am angry all of the time, isn't that exactly what I am doing feeling them? It's getting past them that I can't do?



thank you, I need someone to right now, because I sure dont.,

I'm back...huge day...

Okay. When you're feeling resentment...you're feeling it, that's true. But what if part of you is saying, "You have no right...look at all you should be grateful for...you get angry because your H isn't handy...okay, but look at all he is, instead." Okay...what if you are actually upset with yourself about not knowing how to hang blinds? Why can't you put them up? Then you do, or plan to, and you realize you can't do it alone...it's all on you...

Follow this thought process all the way through...your expectation or desire is something in your head...some way you envision it being...like a commercial, hanging blinds together in that cool, clean house, with sunlight pouring in and smiles of contentment on your faces...and reality doesn't match, doesn't come close...

If you are betraying yourself with visions of how it should be (any should is a signal), then would you feel like you're betraying your dreams, your desires by not getting what you're working so hard to get?

Yet all your emotions are coming from somewhere about something...tell me what...trace back...each incident, not what happens, but why you believe you are angry just in that instance...and what emotion you felt just before the anger came on...

What if you've been fearing all your life, therefore angry...forming what should be versus what is...and the is fails? Well, you only have you in control of you...so if the is fails, you must be failing reality, to get those picture perfect dreams...where mothers stay, and are whole, and fathers are true...and your life is gonna be really different, and then it begins to feel the same...overwhelming, because you aren't feeling what you believed you would feel...

If you feel you owe someone something and you don't give it on purpose, or fail to give it by accident, there is a hint of betrayal...it is a failure, isn't it? If you want protection more than connection, that's a failure of intimacy...but actively making that your priority would be a betrayal of a vow, wouldn't it?

You can see yourself betraying your H...or if you choose, your heart, like it isn't yours, doing it, failing to provide these feelings you desired, dreamed of...like a constant flow...and you did not see him betraying you, hurting you like you saw in your life before...so you switch your dreams to something practical and sentence yourself to enduring, staying miserable for a cause (your kids) and feel numb inside and raging, too.

Is it because of others failing you, or you failing to realize what you wanted?

Were you allowed to be angry at your mother? Even when she took your brother, and was a sort of mother...which was more than you had, really?

Or were you told that at least she's alive?

Now, I'm guessing...feeling my way through...only have my own perspective and experiences...but I remember asking myself why, why, why a lot about my feelings and until I started really listening to that constant dialogue in my head, I didn't know why. And no one else can tell you...until you give yourself internal interest and concern equal to what you're giving others in your life.

When we're enmeshed, that ol' two becoming one...often what our H feels is what we feel, or we have reactive feelings to...so if he is hurt and you believe you hurt him, you could well feel anger...or if you feel blamed for what can only be his choices...deep inside we know about being separate and equal...what part of you is really angry with you and what is coming from the way you see your marriage?

I'm not focused and aligned right now...I got to see my oldest son for the first time in nearly a year, and his wife, and I found out I'm going to be a grandmother by Christmas. And that my Dad is in the hospital for his heart...and well, it's a mix. It's full. It's here.

And I know when you really get tired of hurting, anger, fear, resentment, sadness and frustration...then you'll change your life. You'll do exercises to know yourself, you won't fear knowing you...a girl worth leaving...who was never worth leaving...was never anything but equal to everyone on the planet. I promise. And you can trust her because she's smart, inquisitive, passionate, desirous and strong...and honest. Looking inside isn't going to hurt more...it will hurt less.

I promise.

LA

"If I'm not angry I am sad."

-This is EXACTLY what the passages from YDHTTIA I typed in for you explain. It's a cycle. Anger and resentment always ends in shame and guilt, thus your sadness. You have to feel anger and resentment to get yourself out of your depression, but that again ends in shame and guilt.

"If I am angry all of the time, isn't that exactly what I am doing feeling them? It's getting past them that I can't do?"

LA really helped me out on this one. I never knew that behind anger was either pain or fear. You are feeling your anger, which is one of our "quick fixes" to avoid feeling pain. Everytime I get angry, I say "OK, LA says there is fear or pain behind this, lets check it out". And you know what? It's absolutely true! 100% of the time! What LA is trying to do is help you to learn to walk yourself through the process of figuring out which one it is and why. Answer her questions, go with her on this one about the blinds, check it out. That is how you get past the anger/resentment.

Seriously, I am a VERY different person now that I understand this. I'm not very good at the "process" yet and I slip back to my old ways and forget to do it, but I can see that each time I run though it in my head I get better and better at it. Learn exactly what it is that triggered my anger/pain. Again, free advertisement, but YDHTTIA walks through what the "core hurts" are that are triggered when we get angry (pg 178):

Disregarded, unimportant
accused
guilty
devalued
rejected
powerless
inadequate, unlovable

Core hurts "are the difference between feeling bad - sad, disappointed, lonely, anxious - and feeling bad about YOURSELF"..."The deeper core hurts, expecially the last pair, are stimulted only in interactions with someone you love"

-Try having this list handy when you ask yourself what is causing you pain next time you notice you are angry.


"but I remember asking myself why, why, why a lot about my feelings and until I started really listening to that constant dialogue in my head, I didn't know why." When you know why, and have an understanding, the anger fades.

How exciting that your son is home LA! And a grandbaby on the way Congrats to all of you !!

I hope your father is doing better now.



I can't put up the blinds. I had shoulder surgery a year ago and can't do anything with it above my head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I get frustrated because I have to count on someone else to help me get stuff done. That means it's done on their timeline not mine. I hate depending on someone else. This is all familiar though. Dh's EA started one night when we got in an argument and I told him that "every time I put my trust in a man he lets me down". He walked out and called his ex-fiance. It seems I've always felt when I count on someone else they disappoint me. Now, when I have no choice but to have someone else help me, it's all that more frustrating, because I don't really have a choice, either I wait for them or it doesn't get done.



I really just want a nice home. For once, instead of going with the cheapest route I spent extra money and went with the wood blinds, you know the plantation ones. They will look so cool. Our last home we never even had blinds, I was too cheap, didn't have anyone to help me put them up, etc Now, I took a step out and I can't get them put up.



If I understand you, I think I get what you are saying. I feel guilty because I believe I should be thrilled with my life. I stay at home with my two daughters, we own a home on an acre of land, my husband, although he has made mistakes, doesn't go out drinking and partying, is a family man (not necessarily the way I want it, but he is here) and I'm still not happy. Then I feel seflish and ungrateful, because I have so much.



By vow, do you mean marriage vows? I'm not sure it as failure. It's a choice I make, I'm sure if I truly wanted and could trust enough I could have intimacy, again it's not something I care to have.



No, not really. There were always excuses for her. Even to this day her side of the family will never admit what she did. That she wasn't there for me.



I am sure I'm mainly angry at me. My marriage just is. I didn't grow up dreaming of a pefect marriage and we'd live happily ever after. It's just a marriage. I don't see it as anything more or anything less. We really don't fight a lot. We do things with the kids, spend time together daily, go through the emotions, kinda what I would expect. I know he wants more out of it though. I can do without the hand holding and kissing and hugging and sex and all of that. In fact, I can't remember the last time we did kiss. That bothers him, doesn't bother me. It upsets me that I can't give him more of what he wants, I just don't enjoy it.

Thank you, BTE...very much.

"I hate depending on someone else." So you know this is about you. Got it.

"This is all familiar though. Dh's EA started one night when we got in an argument and I told him that "every time I put my trust in a man he lets me down"." We tend to see our fears become reality by doing exactly what you did...blame, accuse and slash at someone. Not justification for his choice...You didn't own anything with your belief...you took your belief and called it The Truth when it wasn't.

"He walked out and called his ex-fiance. It seems I've always felt when I count on someone else they disappoint me." This will continue throughout your life because you will continually not own what is really yours and know you're separate. When you learn that you trust by choice, let go the results, know your boundaries, this fear will be child-sized again, and will stop running your life.

"Now, when I have no choice but to have someone else help me, it's all that more frustrating, because I don't really have a choice, either I wait for them or it doesn't get done." So it really isn't that it won't get done...it is that the blinds won't go up when you want them up, correct? Why not find a taller ladder so you aren't reaching above your head? And why after surgery could you do less than before? I thought surgery fixed things!

"Now, I took a step out and I can't get them put up." Just emphasizing my question here...is it not getting what you want, or when you want it? Expectations have whats, whys, whens and wheres...get to know them.

So do desires. Wants. Needs.

I do hear you want a nice home...and I have two things...one, I want to know what that symbolizes to you (all of it)...and two, would you shoot me if I told you that until your children are grown and on their own that it won't happen? However, then, for sure, it will?

I remember making a choice (ack! A priority!)...did I want something nice more than I wanted to open my kids up to breaking something nice? Just a thought.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

"It's a choice I make, I'm sure if I truly wanted and could trust enough I could have intimacy, again it's not something I care to have." Can you see how this choice is betrayal? You are betraying your marital vows...you are putting your protection above the marriage...you are coming first.

And yes, you got the part of the cycle that Jwo was explaining...if you believe you should be thrilled and you aren't, then you'll feel guilt, which will lead to anger...and the whole cycle continues without you knowing why you're angry all the time.

"No, not really. There were always excuses for her. Even to this day her side of the family will never admit what she did. That she wasn't there for me." Would you please consider that you are angry (which is from pain/fear) with your mother and wrecking your life by making it about your H? You can be angry with your mother. Give yourself the right, that's its yours...no excuses, justifications or reasoning it away. It is. You are. Know the source.

It matters.

Own that your feelings truly are yours, coming from within you, from your beliefs...and what you choose. I think you're most of the way there...I believe you are lashing out at the person who's there, and he's not your mother.

(Saw son again today...I'm thrilled and a little loopy.)

LA

"let go the results"

Whew, this is a really hard one! Difficult for so many reasons and beliefs. LA makes it sound easy doesn't she?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />