Again, I'm not trying to dispute what you are saying just trying to understand. My beliefs are my truth though right? My past shows I can't trust people. Dh's EA wasn't the first episode of me not being able to trust him, it just brought to light how bad things were. In fact, the whole beginning of our marriage was based on lies.



I still struggle with this. Why choose to trust. Time and time again it has been proven that I will be hurt. Why continue to put myself out there? Isn't that basically the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?



There is a possibility it won't get done. It didn't in our last house. We bought blinds for the entire house and only one window ever had blinds put on. We were there for almost 2 years. A taller ladder wouldn't help. I am limited to about 10lbs of lifting below the plain of my shoulder I can't hold anything once I get any higher. Surgery does usually fix things, however; my recover is 1-2 years I am at the one year marker. Add a lack of exercises because of the move and a car accident, and I am probably a tad behind schedule. It was also made clear that the surgery would alleviate most of my problems but my shoulder would never be 100%.



It's both. I resent the fact that I don't have a husband that is handy. That can/will help do things around the house. So, we have to wait for someone else to do things.



It means peace, being able to have people come over and not be embarrased. Being able to find things when you want. I understand that kids make certain things hard. Like we don't purchase brand new expensive couches. My carpet will be dirtier than those without kids. I can still have blinds and walls painted.



I don't have breakable stuff. I am not a knick nack sort of person. I just want simple things. Blinds and paint, neat, organized.



This is another place I struggle. I don't see it as betrayal. Quite honestly, I don't remember my vows. I never put much emphasis on them. They are something you say to get married.



What good does it do to be angry at my mom? I am angry with my H for what he has done/hasn't done. I don't see them connected.

I just don't get all of this. I'm trying I really am. I just don't understand it.



How exciting! Is he home on leave or stationed near you? Will you be near once the baby is here? How do you feel about being a gradma? My mom (meaning my step-mom) says its the best thing in the world. She absolutely adores my girls! Well she says they are hers lol

You can dispute, argue, stomp, and say, "No way!" all you want, BTE. You can say, "What the heck? I don't get it!" or even "Stop talking in riddles!" I don't know if I can stop talking in riddles, but I think you know, I'll keep posting until I finally convey what I set out to do. My intent is pure...my ability comes and goes.

"My past shows I can't trust people." What if this is your perspective, not your past? We choose our perspective...you could sit down and find where people came through for you...proving to yourself they are trustworthy. Most likely, you have equal amounts of both...would take a lot of digging, though. You would have to look at each date you had who didn't stand you up--each friend who said they'd be over, and then did--each "see you later" that came true, every time your H comes home when he says he will--every promise ever kept.

I think you're up to it. Big task.

And you couldn't stop there...you'd have to remember all the unspoken promises kept--each time you ate food, stayed out of the wind, put on clothes...laid in a bed, put on clean clothes, and remember those who stayed present, because all people can be absent, if they choose.

This isn't a study in gratitude...it is proof...you're using others to prove people can't be trusted; like a Prosecuting Attorney only getting to speak to the jury while the Defense remains mute. Your jury is important. You're living by their verdict.

You're choosing a perspective.

And this perspective is a destructive one...because it is based on fear, distrust, expectation of failure...humans can be trusted and not trusted...that's reality. Your living an absolute...and if humans can't be trusted, you can't either.

Did you know the more you choose to trust yourself, the more people are trustworthy...by magic?

I won't go to where the lies formed your relationship...what you chose to believe, who you chose to have babies with and build a future with...that's where I want to stay because it matters. You matter. You chose for a reason...and your perspective now makes that choice stupid, wrong and full of suffering. Your own choice. That's a hard way to live...

Insanity is believing you can protect yourself from pain...that's the expectation which will win you a straight-jacket. Sanity is knowing your pain comes from the inside, not the outside.

Thank you for telling me that your shoulder will recover...I was getting made at your doctors! I was...lol

So, if you stay in this house for another year, your blinds will get put up? Yet they symbolize distrust, lack of care for your needs, your dreams, don't they?

I'm big into symbols...how I see the world...so asking you about yours isn't me trying to get you to see my way...just asking for your help for me to see better.

Why do you choose to resent your H for what he isn't? Is this your frustration with not being able to control other people enough to feel protected and loved...or is it him not doing his share, being who you need him to be instead of changing to be that? And knowing he isn't handy...that these tasks are frustrating to him and full of fear...when you bought the blinds, was installation an option at purchase?

I am not trying to solve the blinds but grasp the motivation...you went through this before...blinds never put up...yet you chose to do this again. You chose to believe that this friend would hang them with/for you, correct? Isn't that trusting someone?

You have a standard for your home...to protect you from embarrassment...what if people don't judge you, cherish your presence and that's the purpose for your visit?

Peace comes from within...like pain...anger...and the rest. If peace came from your home, then you can't control it, can you? You can't get what you need unless A, B and C are accomplished, and B and C are outside of your control...that's a tough place, BTE. Tell me your choices for tough places...why they draw you when what you want most is peace and to trust?

I was thinking of blinds when I said stuff gets broken. Cords yanked, morse code from ships, and pirates peering out...kids do damage in real world when their minds are creatively playing. Of course, I have boys.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My walls got drawn on...even the trashcan in the bathroom...scuff marks, stains...and I learned that what I desired, what gave me a safe feeling, wasn't possible, no matter how much I reduced my desire...like making a last stand. Only this...this one quilt...and then the tear. I had to approach my desire and ask it when would be good enough? And it said, "Whenever...I don't go away." The more I lived without that safety feeling, the better I lived.

Okay, I understand the vows part...have my own story on those...so what if the betrayal is being your mother? Growing up to not be intimate, connected...knowing you're significant not by anything you do, but who you are...what if by putting yourself first, you are decimating yourself?

Would that betray the vow you made to NOT be like her?

He's here for at least two years...no longer active duty...now National Guard. Two year deployment deferrment...so yes, they'll be here...and here...and here. No longer there. No longer out of reach, no presence, lost in foreign countries.

I have looked forward to being a grandma, with the titillation of fear fluttering in my chest...and I remember standing in line at the store, with my WH, saying, "When you chose, remember we can divorce, but we will still be grandparents together, won't we?" We were looking at a little boy who reminded us of our middle one...something each of us do...and my WH said, "Yeah. Yeah we will."

Those are the intimate moments I cherish...showing my fear and longing, not as bad parts of me, just as parts of me. I'm crying now because I know I'm human and I fear, BTE...and I live, anyway.

LA

I'm sorry I don't meant to be disputing. I am just trying to understand. It's not your inability to convey but my inability to grasp it all.



Basically, I see the cup as half empty instead of half full? In reality, there are more times that I haven't been let down than I have. Yet, I choose to focus on those times I have to set my standards by. How do I get past that though. The good times are good, the bad times hurt and cause so much pain and disruption. It's hard not to focus on those.



If the choice was those things, stupid, wrong, etc. it's true, it's done now. How do you deal with that. How do I get past feeling duped into the marriage. I was cleaning out e-mail today and came across one from my dh. He talks about in the beginning he was still in love with his ex-fiance. This was before his EA with her. How he should have ended that completely before marrying me. What am I supposed to do with that information. Yeah, he says he loves me now, I can't help but feeling second best, settled for. She treated him badly, I didn't so he is here now. To me, the EA shows me he wishes he wasn't.



lol I am mad at them also. Before the surgery they said it would be good as new. Afterwards I was told it will never be the same. I should know by now, surgery usually heals what was wrong, but it causes its own set of secondary problems.



They will probably be up before then. If dh doesn't try to do it and his coworker doesn't make it over. I will try and find someone else to help me, or my step mom will come visit and she will do it for me. The whole time, I know from past experience, I will feel embarrased and angry that my dh couldn't do it and I had to ask someone else.

I don't see them so much as a lack of care for me or distrust. More of me feelign like again, we chose the wrong partners. I hate spending money, especially paying someone to do something that should be able to be done by yourself or with help from someone. My dh figures if you can't pay someone to do it then it isn't going to get done. That would be great if you could afford to pay someone.



Probably because I didn't realize he wasn't these things until after we were married. We jumped into our marriage entirely too fast. So much we didn't know about each other. I often see his lack of ability more laziness than not being able to. Also, not wanting to take risks try something new. Installation is always an option for a fee lol.



No matter what people are always going to look around and some amount of judgement will come from your home. I don't like a messy house. it doesn't have to be spotless, we live here, a few toys here and there is ok. It's when there are clothes left all over the place, dirty dishes etc.



I don't know why. I always find myself in that place. Chaotic. Bad situations. Maybe it's easier to be able to blame my failure on those things, than get somewhere, peaceful and find I am still a failure. Maybe I won't be a failure, but that risk is too great.




(((LA)))

"I'm sorry I don't meant to be disputing. I am just trying to understand. It's not your inability to convey but my inability to grasp it all." I WANT you to dispute...be angry at me...fight for what you want from me, if you want to...give yourself permission to NOT be sorry for something you're not seeing...okay?

Save sorries for when they are sorely needed. Won't be for me, BTE. I promise.

"It's hard not to focus on those." If you are going to choose your beliefs by attempting to prove you SHOULD feel a certain way, believe a certain way, given the evidence...then what I'm asking you to do is to get that evidence...not make it up. Until you know that this pain is homegrown, you won't get people not failing you...you won't choose to see, as you said, how many more times they've proven trustworthy, and you're unwilling to trust. This is you about you.

I would not look at evidence of my life to choose my beliefs. I choose my beliefs FOR my life.

"How do I get past feeling duped into the marriage." By recognizing and OWNING your choices, BTE. We may choose to believe we're that stupid...that we can be duped instead of not investigating, owning what was so important to us...but that isn't why you continued to choose to be married after you found out the truth, is it? You chose. Please know that. You made a choice...know why. Tell me why.

"I can't help but feeling second best, settled for." Yes, you can. You are in control of your perspective...he isn't.

He is there, with you...not her. She is a fantasy...they didn't marry, have children, commit to one another. They are fantasies to one another and easily disposable...because neither believed in the other enough to see it through.

He believes in you...he's in pain...anyone choosing to love someone who refuses to be intimate is in pain.

Fantasy is very appealing. I believe you have one you're involved with...the fantasy of being cherished, protected, safe, and never hurt.

"I will feel embarrased and angry that my dh couldn't do it and I had to ask someone else." Why are you choosing embarrassment...expecting something of your H that isn't his thing? Do I expect my H to replace an alternator? Even change his oil? No. Am I embarrassed...NO. Why? Because he's an artist...and he no more is embarrassed that I can't draw than I am that he can't do mechanics.

How judgmental and awful, BTE. Is is embarrassed you can lift above your head? That you're not seven feet tall and Nordic? Why would you do this, willingly and with intent, to another human being?

You could get a lot of self respect, love and self-acceptance from doing these things, understanding human limits...instead, you want negative, harsh emotions...if you can't feel first place in your self, why would someone else have to make you feel that way?

"we chose the wrong partners." This is the belief that will end your marriage...and all those after this one.

This is the belief that gives you the feeling of second best and settled for.

You are doing it to you.

"I hate spending money," so this is an issue with you...do you have to spend money to get your car serviced? Your shoulder fixed? Your circuit box expanded?

"Probably because I didn't realize he wasn't these things until after we were married." You mean you didn't give him the handy hubby litmus test? You didn't have him run a gauntlet of mechanical and dextrous ability? Why didn't you realize if this was so important to you? Did you accept him then, and then hang your expectations around his neck after the "I do's"?

Because he could believe he was really duped by marrying you if you hid those requirements.

"No matter what people are always going to look around and some amount of judgement will come from your home." This is not my experience. I believe you feel judged because you judge.

You assume and mindread. You fear and live from it.

"Maybe it's easier to be able to blame my failure on those things, than get somewhere, peaceful and find I am still a failure. Maybe I won't be a failure, but that risk is too great." Than get somewhere, peaceful...like inside yourself...too great a risk to really know yourself, see you for who you are, not how others see you...to embrace and accept all of yourself...and it has nothing to do with situations..they are distractions.

I believe your anger is a distraction.

When you choose to finally let go of the security blanket that is really a lot of deadly snakes woven together...then you can live without constant anger, resentment, and fear. This blanket is judgment...judge first, hard and fast...

Then you cannot be a failure...it's a noun, not a person...and doing is not being...get this out of you, BTE. It corrodes you, your children, your marriage and your life...the whole of it. Endlessly. There is no protection in judgment...only substantiates fear.

LA

Being angry at someone is hard for me. I honestly believe the only people I've ever really been able to be angry towards is myself, my, dh and my girls. Probably because they are the safest people for me. Seems I always hurt the ones that love me the most.



Isn't this being some what blind? I mean if my husband cheats a 100 times but I believe he will stop, isn't that setting myself up for failure. I think my husband lives a lot like you state. Someone can do something very wrong towards him, but he believes they are generally good people etc and moves on doesn't hold it against them. gee, I think he does it for me all of the time.



I stayed because I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I had quit my job packed up my daugther and myself and moved us from Ca to NM to be with my dh. I had no job and lived in the middle of nowhere. I was embarrased to go to my family and tell them I made a mistake.



I know this one is mine. He has done what he can to try and make me feel better about it. It doesn't help.



Is it wrong to want these things?>



So we choose how we feel? I am embarrased about my shoulder. People don't know or don't understand and assume that I am lazy that's why I don't do things or because I'm overweight. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I expect too much of other people, of myself.



I really don't expect anyone else to make me feel that way. I know I am responsible for my feelings.



so what am I supposed to do with that belief? Just keep telling myself it's wrong. See this is part of what I don't get. I have to change these beliefs, I don't know how.



Honestly, I try not to lol. My shoulder had been injured 8 years before I had my surgery. I will be one of those people that die with a million dollars in the bank because I dont like spending money.



Couple of things come into play. We met online end of March. Met in person for the weekend end of April beginning of May. He came to see me and spent 30 days in June. I saw him one more weekend like the second week of July. I flew back to New Mexico 3rd week of July and we got married. It was a Friday. I was back home Monday, in Ca,living in different states. We didn't move in together until Sept. Not ever owning a home before we were married, I never had to worry about the handy stuff. Once we were married we lived in military housing and always had someone to do the stuff for us.




Problem is, I don't like me. I can't even stand to get my hair cut because I have to sit in front of a mirror. I get disgusted by looking at me, by everything I am.



How do you do this? I don't know how.

"Being angry at someone is hard for me" Do what is hard for you...what is easy doesn't appear to be workin' for you right now.

Know what your first emotion is, why anger follows and what belief it is coming from. This is living life consciously, not by default.

"Isn't this being some what blind?" See, I'm not only living through my experiences and choosing my beliefs...that would be too narrow, too small. I study and learn from others, break down and incorporate their truth into my own to form my belief. Because what I've lived has had my influence all along...until I got that, BTE, I couldn't see the world as not doing to me...but me doing.

You are a fixer...eradicate the problem. Smooth the waves and batten down the hatches...(I'm so nautical, huh?) I learned to be respectful of others and myself. Problems aren't...they are opportunity for examiation, understanding...90% of marital problems are not to be solved...just understood.

I took this belief as my own..."First, strive to understand, then be understood." Wasn't my experience...though God had brought this to me years ago...through a school friend...I couldn't see it. Wasn't in my experience.

"I mean if my husband cheats a 100 times but I believe he will stop, isn't that setting myself up for failure." I do hear you going to the other absolute...if you don't find evidence in your life for your beliefs, then you're living a fantasy? I'm talking about the inbetween. And I think I asked you, but please examine that the evidence of your life does show people will be there for you more times than they won't; yet you are picking to believe people are not trustworthy. Wouldn't that be exactly like your example?

"I stayed because I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I had quit my job packed up my daugther and myself and moved us from Ca to NM to be with my dh. I had no job and lived in the middle of nowhere. I was embarrased to go to my family and tell them I made a mistake."

You CHOSE to stay because you didn't see you had other choices. Your choices were...to get another job. To go to family. You had other choices but discounted them because they were tenuous, full of fear and consequences. You QUIT your job. You did that. You were embarrassed and chose not to face that embarrassment with your family. You worked your way into a painted corner with your choices...and I believe, when I have done that, it was for a lesson I wouldn't face...like you not facing your family, yourself...the most important lessons are when through our own decisions, we believe we are left with no power, no choices.

"It doesn't help." Watch for those impersonal pronouns...there is no "it" for the way you feel and why. Your feelings are valid and yours--your responsibility. Your choice to allow those love bank deposits or not. Yours.

I said: "Fantasy is very appealing. I believe you have one you're involved with...the fantasy of being cherished, protected, safe, and never hurt."

You said: "Is it wrong to want these things?>

--------------------------
Biggest Truth I Can Share
--------------------------

You will be cherished when you cherish yourself.
You will trust when you are safe to yourself.

You are in a constant state of vulnerable...you are flesh and blood.

You cannot protect yourself from pain...it comes from within.

Only you can give you what you want...and no, it isn't wrong.

Until you look to others to fill you, cherish and protect you, asking them to lie to you and say that humans don't do damage; that pain isn't about growth and that you are whole because THEY said so.

---------------------------------
Gosh, BTE...you are living a reactive life, and your primary emotion I can see is embarrassment...which is shame. Embarrassed for your DH, your shoulder, your weight, your house...telling your family you made a mistake...constant shame running your life...no wonder you want to run from it.

You'll just take it with you.

You don't have shame about your limitations, but about being who you are. You can't cure shame by action, but knowledge.

Shame is a reasonable emotion which you take to an unreasonable conclusion...what you most want to be protected from...is shame.

"I really don't expect anyone else to make me feel that way. I know I am responsible for my feelings." I don't believe you, BTE.

"so what am I supposed to do with that belief? Just keep telling myself it's wrong. See this is part of what I don't get. I have to change these beliefs, I don't know how."

Why do you believe this? Where's your payoff for believing this? How does this belief stand up in your experience? Others' experience? How do you reconcile it with God making us all marvelously, equally, separately...but some just don't fit you? Why would God give us disposable humans? Replaceable ones? When we are irreplaceable to him? If everyone can change their beliefs...choose differently, then why do you believe there are wrong partners?

This is a wayward belief. Replace and stop pain. Replace and stop pain. Using others like bandages for a wound which bleeds ceaselessly.

This belief gives you the perspective that DH is the one who lied (and isn't now); who tricked you (such power); made you unhappy for years; and doesn't choose to be who you want him to be. That's a corrosive perspective, don't you think? Where's the YOU in that?

And this belief is why you feel this:
"Problem is, I don't like me. I can't even stand to get my hair cut because I have to sit in front of a mirror. I get disgusted by looking at me, by everything I am."

Powerful belief, huh, to do all that?

I remember not getting my hair cut for eight years because of that mirror. Because of the damnable question they ask, "How do you want your hair cut?" I couldn't want because I didn't deserve it. I couldn't look in the mirror because I hated what I looked like...and I didn't want to want, ever.

BTE...you're not alone. Been there. Felt that. I was an emotional cutter...constantly judged myself and compared...which gave me permission to compare others...be angry my H was a shopoholic, porn and food addict. Judging him as not what I wanted because I felt erased because HE made me that way.

You know you do this to you...you are conscious of every stab, bite and kick to yourself...I want you to see where you're stabbing, biting and kicking others...permission goes both ways...because you live from fear. Not spending, not fighting or accepting that embarrassment is your own...not growing yourself because you're worthless...a woman made to be left...so leave first.

Get counseling, BTE. Find someone who can hold your hand, that you trust and respect (because you're paying precious dollars...which verifies you're worth it), until you can look in that mirror and know truth...you are already whole, worthy, complete, valued and loved. Before you were born...before you were concieved...God loved you, formed you as an idea, a soul, knew you and celebrated you and the life you would have...then handed you pure choice to do with it what you wished.

That's love. Doesn't stop with our choices, only with our beliefs. What we choose not to believe is as defining as what we choose to believe.

You can do this.

LA

"No matter what people are always going to look around and some amount of judgement will come from your home. I don't like a messy house. it doesn't have to be spotless, we live here, a few toys here and there is ok. It's when there are clothes left all over the place, dirty dishes etc."

I'd like to share that some of the PEOPLE I have the most respect for and find the most peace from being around, have 'messy' houses. This is what started to trigger me to question my motivations for a clean house.

Some people have clean houses and that either tells me they focus too much on their house and don't "play" or "live" enough (DJ) or they have different priorities than me. I do not look at their house as a reflection of their character. When I go to their house, it is to be with them, not to see how clean or fancy their house is. That is for people I care for at least.

I still WISH I had a clean house, and it's not like there are cockroaches and rats and bugs, it's just that I have consiously decided that I am not going to sacrafice my peace and family and life to get it. Ya know, not doing things that would create resentments. I guess we can even do things entirely on our own free will to create resentments toward ourselves.

Being angry at someone is hard for me. I honestly believe the only people I've ever really been able to be angry towards is myself, my, dh and my girls. Probably because they are the safest people for me. Seems I always hurt the ones that love me the most.

Not so much that they are safe, but that you love them. The more you love someone, the more likely they are to be a mirror. Remember, when we feel angry, it's because we are feeling pain - inadequate/unloveable - and the closer someone is to us the more our painful feelings are triggered. Think about a stranger on the street bumping into you and not acknowledging you. Then compare to your H bumping into you and not acknowledging you. Strangers don't cause us that much pain because we don't use their actions to reflect to us what we are. We aren't going to feel bad about OURSELVES by the stranger. Our collision with our H though could make us feel powerless or unloved.

I took this belief as my own..."First, strive to understand, then be understood." Wasn't my experience...

What are you saying here? I feel I am learning to understand myself first, then strive to be understood and share with my partner. Are you saying the second part (which is an expectation) has issues? Or are you just saying that those two things didn't happen with you before you got to where you are today?

First, strive to understand what the other person is saying, experiencing...then to make yourself understood.

Listening without judgment...for comprehension.

Then I learned to express myself without self-judgment...for comprehension.

This is intimacy.

Not

"Strive to understand, then to fix."

"Strive to change, then be changed."

"Know thine enemy."

"The enemy is me."

I had a lot of misinterpretations going on. You can laugh. I do.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Good Morning LA!

It's already a not so good day here. We stayed out late last night with the girls. When to dinner with some friends and then went to the local putt putt and played mini golf and all that fun stuff. IT was close to midnight before the girls got to bed.

Everyone gets up between 9 and 930 this morning. We are having company tonight so dh gets on dd7 about cleaning up the playroom/office. She hasn't eaten breakfast she gets up and he has her to work. BUt the yelling started and the drill sgt came out and I just lose it. DD3 is sitting on the couch watching tv while dd7 is cleaning. Doesn't seem right to me. Im in the same room, still haven't had a moments peace since I got up since dh insisted on sitting next to me first this morning while I drank my tea. I'm here trying to research for a paper, dd7 is crying, dh is yelling, I get up tell them I'm not gonna deal with it and go in the bedroom and laydown.

I come back out a little while later, he is on the computer, I ask for it back to get this paper done, make some snide remark about him looking for a gf, (wrong, yes I know) tell him I"m considering cancelling tonights plans because it's not fair that he only makes them clean when we are having company and becomes A**hole. Instead of enforcing it throughout the week. The playroom was a mess because everything was pulled away from the wall so we could hang blinds that still sit here, not hung.

OK, vent over, on to your post.



Honestly, it feels as if anger comes first. Just like this morning, I was irritated(which is basically angry) and it just kept going and going.

Wrong, yes I know...

That acknowledgement came right after you DJ'd him, didn't it? You knew you were doing wrong even as you did it...and you did no amends...followed up with a threat.

Now, go back...H is "doing wrong" with DD7, and DD3 (by not having her included, she's left out...lots of conflicting emotions sitting there on that couch, I guarantee)...

You judged him, removed yourself, returned, and hit him with pain...lots of judgment...why would you let yourself off and not him?

Perfect opportunity for getting the blinds up, too. I still see this as a God metaphor for your life...H's lack of care and protection symbolized in those blinds...feeds your resentment which stands ready to be angry instantly...

Sit next to your H and say, "Honey, I accused you and threatened to cancel our plans tonight because I'm mixed up about what you do on the outside and what I do on the inside. These blinds being down are really getting to me. I feel like a failure. Could we please, together, put one up today? Just one...I think I know how to measure, and get them aligned, and I don't care if I don't get it done perfectly...would you lift above your head for me? It is what I can't do, and you can?"

You're stuck in reasonable judgments, BTE...and yours are the only reasonable ones you can see. You are limiting yourself and H...open a bit more. And did you thank him for the being present for last night? Appreciate the fun, the togetherness?

Did you thank yourself?

LA

not that she wasn't included, more that dd7 was having to clean up by herself.



I don't let myself off. I hate myself more and more everytime.



Actually, right now the blinds aren't that big of an issue. I have a paper due tomorrow night. We have company coming over tonight. The girls are on my last nerve. Dh said it today, we are fighting more and more, usually over the girls. He's tired of it I'm tired of it. Told him we have two choices, we either figure it out or we separate. We've been trying to figure it out for almost 5 years now.



I did thank him. Unfortunately, the fun of last night was ruined by today. This is how it always happens. We have a few good moments and it all comes crashing down.

"not that she wasn't included, more that dd7 was having to clean up by herself." This is you DJing your child. She might have felt less than, incapable, and a tad special, relieved, coddled or special...a mix of any of them or just one. Don't know unless you ask. I'm asking you to ask.

"I don't let myself off. I hate myself more and more everytime." So you didn't let yourself off or him off...which made it even...and you did what you hated to do? Why? Where's the payoff? Do you do it because that's your routine, where you're comfortable, or because you aren't worth not hating?

I stand by the blinds being your big issue...in what they symbolize...which involves H not doing what you want him to do, not being who you want him to be...and you not owning what is only your own. Your choice. Your protection.

And yes, fighting doesn't get to resolution...when it is the only way you allow connection...through judgment...

"I did thank him. Unfortunately, the fun of last night was ruined by today. This is how it always happens. We have a few good moments and it all comes crashing down." You are doing that to yourself...what happened last night remains fun, good...can't be ruined. It happened last night. What happened today happened today. Your choice to believe one can wipe away, ruin and destroy. And your expectation in that choice, to believe it always happens. Like a set up. Cuts you loose from ever fully enjoying the present, that lurking sense of it being ruined within hours afterward.

What if nothing crashed down today? What if you are disappointed in yourself for your choices...and the lesson remains the same...more important than any paper...you failing you, over and over...and believing it the marriage, or him?

Just to consider. No judgment. Yes, I want you to get your lessons, but I have no control...no cure. Only highlighting how I got mine, showing you where your perspective, the one you are choosing, is toxic.

LA

who am I asking my 7 year old or my 3 year old. My 3 year old is usually thrilled, she doesn't have to help clean becuase the 7 year old is usually (not always) made to do it.



I"m not sure there is a payoff. I'm sure there is some secondary gain, probably being able to keep myself at a distance, not sure though. Of course I don't believe that I am not worth not hating.. Ok, that's wordy lol. How about I don't feel that I am worth loving. I have so many more reasons to hate myself.


Perhaps they do. I'm sure they along with the cleanliness of my house have to do with control. Something I feel that I can control. Probably why I get so irritated when it's not done my way, believe me I have gotten better about this. I just want everything to have a home so we know where it is and when we can't find it it's frustrating.



I understand what you are saying. I will have to try to work on it. It would just nice to have more than 1 good day in a row. It's to the point where I dread my dh being home, because there is always yelling and cryin when he is around.




I'm not sure I understand this. I am disapointed in myself and my choices. I make poor choices, usually to not upset everyone else at my own expense.

BTE, you have so many priorities, and I know how hard it is to try to juggle them correctly. The kids, your H and M, yourself, your home, and then add research for a paper and company, and it's a lot on anyone. Soolee would talk about how to avoid recurring conflicts through problem solving. For example, I think there was a hall light that kept getting left on until they moved the telephone somewhere else. What is the research for a paper for? I assume a degree?

In that spirit, how could you organize your day so you're not needed by everyone at the same time? Perhaps go to the library for a few hours before the kids wake up to study and let H get the girls breakfast and ready. Then when you get home, give the girls some time, and H some time, maybe lunch together. Then time to get the place ready for company. I know this sample probably didn't get it right for you, but there likely is one you can think of that would work. My point is if you don't have to worry about it all at once it is easier to focus on each without feeling overwhelmed.

You can do this! Have fun with your company and family tonight, and good luck with your research!

"I have so many more reasons to hate myself." You collect evidence on yourself, is that what you're saying, to give you a verdict?

And you judge yourself unlovable, because of your choices and actions?

Tell me, what good is a clean home, where you can find it, when you're not worthy of living in it?

"It would just nice to have more than 1 good day in a row." Can you see how looking for evidence...can tear out the joy and leave the pain?

"I'm not sure I understand this. I am disapointed in myself and my choices. I make poor choices, usually to not upset everyone else at my own expense." My point was...what crashed down? What ruined? You made poor choices earlier. Each moment away from them was a better choice...can you see where you made several today, good choices?

I hate doing the evidence trail because I'm not good at math. This could me opposed to evidencing your life instead of living it; may be a strong lesson in here for me.

Thanks for bringing it to me, again and again...I'll get it eventually, once I understand it.

LA

TIme management would more than likely make my day a lot easier. I am a HUGE procrastinator. Paper is finished though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Dh took the girls out for a bit so I could put the finishing touches on it.

Pretty much still angry with myself for every not so great choice I have made, mistakes I have made etc.



Pretty much. Last night dh and I were umm intimate, and I just cried afterwards. I don't believe I deserve to feel so wonderful and to be loved and nurtured like that. I feel awful for accepting something that I am so undeserving of.



yes, I do see that, I am working on it now.

Last night was a nice evening. We had friends over. They have children also, the kids played we had a wonderful meal that dh cooked. I dipped strawberries in chocolate for dessert. We got up this morning and went to church. My dd3 woke up with the beginning of a cold, but was such an angel. She wore a dress with buttons (this hasn't happend in over a month), dd7 was exhausted but didn't whine or cry. We accidently left my dog in the main part of the house, she slept the entire time, not disturbing anything. I think God was making sure we got there this morning. We needed it. Afterwards we enjoyed lunch with friends. Came home everyone laid down and I worked on my paper. It was a wonderful day!

Just thought I would stop back in. Things have been going pretty well. I'm really focusing on changing my attitude about bad incidents. In the past, I have allowed one bad incident in a day ruin the whole day or erase the good times leading up to it. I'm really trying to allow that incident to be just that, one incident, mixed up in a great day. It doesn't have to define the rest of the day.

I didn't sleep well last night. Dh was off and has been working nights. Last night he couldn't sleep and was on the computer from what I could tell from midnight until 6 this morning. I kept waking up looking for him and he would be in here. I'm frustrated about it. Brings back lots of bad memories. There's nothing in the history showing he was doing anything inappropriate, still makes me uncomfortable. I haven't talked to him much this morning. I am very very tired and can't get my thoughts together enough to figure out why I am so bothered by it. I'm sure it's fear. Fear that he is talking with someone or looking for someone. I allow the fear to become anger to protect myself. I have to break from this pattern, just haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.

Good to see you again, BTE. Been thinking of you (off and on)...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Pretty much still angry with myself for every not so great choice I have made, mistakes I have made etc."

What if this is at the heart of you...and because you give evidence to yourself of poor choices, mistakes, then you hold others to that same routine...and if you don't intend to, Self does anyway? What if this is your true belief: you have to be good enough to be loved. More right choices means more love and acceptance. More mistakes, less love, acceptance...because that's how you judge others and yourself?

Is this the way you love your children? The better they do, the more you love them? Or is it fear...the better they do, the less you fear you're screwing them up?

And would this go to the undeserving reaction...because you are becoming aware of your power, choices, perspective, and being loved, anyway, hurts like heck? Goes against your belief of deserving and not deserving?

Judgments give us the idea we're safe...to have rules to follow and to by choice, break, at times. Humans are messy...they aren't breaking rules, mostly, they are living...just like you are. To find rules where they are not is an impossible task--equally as making them for yourself and others...when you can't make others.

There is discernment and judgment...like there is no control but influence...and I don't go to those mature areas yet, 'cuz I'm not there. LOL. Know that there is more than this basic lesson of separate, equal, where you end and others begin...but it is a great place to start. Why would love be earned? Why would we have to make ourselves lovable, worthy, deserving, when we were made that way to begin with? Can we out-create our Creator?

If you ask your H, "Why do you love me?" and he responds, "I just do," are you infuriated? Does it feel wrong...because you list reasons to love and not love yourself, so he should also? What if he loves you, your essence, sees in you what you can't right now...that marvelous creation...and he stops seeing it when his eyes fill with resentment and pain, then gets again...what if that is loving...clearing out our own junk to see well, know well...and just love because we do?

Would this be the road you could take to see the way clear to love yourself? Aren't you tired of feeling lied to when others say they love you? When they can't prove you're lovable...they just do? Wouldn't you rather live with certain knowledge, that you're lovable and won't stop being lovable, worthy, whole and valuable? Because we only seem to fracture ourselves. We can't really do it?

Would you be really open to this if I told you that procrastination is a sign of the cycle you're in? To do is to earn love...when self is worth loving without doing...so this tug of war is the procrastination...and when you free yourself from earning love and a place in the world, you will actually thrive in doing, with joy, because you don't have to any longer?

To combat fear...do what it says "Don't!" to...and do it lovingly. Fear says, "Don't ask H what he was doing, thinking or feeling"...do it anyway. Fear says, "Don't open yourself, your mouth, your heart...you'll hurt"...do it anyway. God showed you that you can leave the dog in the main part of the house by accident for a reason...and not HAVE an accident. Not every time...not every time one way or the other...living human. God's in your life, surrounding your beautiful, wonderful daughters (willing to wear a dress! Tell me that's not God at work in a 3-year-old) lol

And your H wants to connect to you, hence the intimacy...and is terrified, too, because his fear says don't, don't...risky business.

You allow fear to become anger, which then becomes a disconnect from what you treasure. In his EA, your H's fear become anger, and he sought distraction from his anger/pain...in a fantasy. Yes, soothing by fantasy is frightening...your fear is valid. Talking it out and hearing what his pain, anger, fear is about is the antidote to that fear. And yes, asking for another's truth when you believe you are the cause, control and cure, will spike your fear over your head...get that belief straight, that you want to know another person to know them...not as a reflection of you...and fear drops low...

You're being aware, building your desire to let go a lot of stuff you have surrounded yourself with...takes time, accepting that it takes time, and gently, lovingly telling yourself...you're worth it.

Each time you break the pattern...well, then you break the pattern. Like starting a new one, only really slowly.

((((BTE)))))

LA