quick update for LA.

We were on vacation for about two weeks. Spent time in Va with dh's family, time Charlotte with my mom, and then Charleston with my Aunt. Had lots of fun. Took the girls to the aquarium, bike ride on the beach, did the old fashioned pictures, boat ride, amusement park, spent time at the lake, at the pool. WHile gone, dh and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniverary. Didn't reaaly "celebrate" but we acknowledged it, went fishing that night off the pier. That was a first for me, lots of fun. Watched someone catch a shark. Only thing I caught was a cold lol. My youngest daughter also turned 4 while we were gone. We adopted a puppy also. A black lab, he is 8 weeks old and is the cause of sleep deprivation at this point. His name is Maximum (we call him max) He is a bundle of energy.

School starts August 14th. My youngest daughter will now be going to pre-k full time. I am looking for work. I will probably substitute teach so that I can be here when need be and still work.

I had noticed a difference in my marriage when I stopped posting here while on vacation. I found myself reading here and when people posted to me, I took it as I'm not good enough. Even if that's not what was intended, I felt it that way. I then would take it out on dh as if he was the one telling me these things. Not fair to him or me.

Had a few issues arise while on vacation. Some were handled well, others were not. I am learning, he is learning.

We are discussing a move again. It's just in a discussion phase. It would include sharing a home with my mom. Allowing dh to pursue the career that he really wants and me getting my teaching credential. We have looked at houses that the 3 of us could afford together. We are looking for something with double master suites and at least 3 other bedrooms. We found a few things that we could afford that would leave plenty of "space" for everyone. Again, its just up for discussion. Nothing being acted on as of right now.

I wouldn't say things are worse, they have improved in some ways. In some ways things are the same. That's ok for now.

BTE, glad to hear from you!

You're not alone in hearing that you're not good enough, whether people are really saying it or not...I was programmed to hear it everywhere...also in the guise of I'm wrong, I'm crazy, etc.

Where do you think that comes from?

I think that's where listen and repeat really helped me out...to focus on the words to hand back, not on my automatic perception hearing I'm not enough...not good enough...lacking.

Great to hear from you...happy anniversary and new plans...you can't move though...you just got all those repairs you fought so hard for!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Better,

Good to see you, friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So glad you had a good vacation. Congrats on the new puppy and happy anniversary!

Hugs,
HTBH

I honestly believe it comes from me. I believe if I'm not perfect it's not good enough. I guess I believe that people feel the same way about me. I'm not good enough because I'm not perfect. Even though, I know that noone is perfect.




THey never finished all of the repairs and the ones they did finish have to be redone. This house has added so much stress to our lives, it's unbelievable.

Oh, no! I'm so sorry on the house issues...sounds like a let down...

Remember my new carpet? All of it is done...except for the stairs...they ordered the basement carpet (darker green) for the stairs instead of the lighter carpet on the other two levels...and we have padding and tac strips for three weeks...and no scheduled date in sight to get the right carpet installed.

I hear ya!!

I've learned to not put my bare foot all the way on the step.

I know your stuff is more intensive...you had to be a warrior and I didn't...waiting two months for carpet to be installed...seemed to prepare me for another two months to finish.

You know noone is perfect...what about good enough?

LA

It really is. We bought a new house because we didn't want to have to worry about stuff, just minor stuff. Before we sold our house in Ca, we added a new roof and windows.

We were hoping to come here and not have to stress over the house. THey are coming again next week, they are more than likely going to have to replace all of the carpet. We really just want to get rid of the house now, feels tainted.



That would have me furious. Every time I went up the stairs I would get angry all over again.



I guess it depends on what one thinks qualifies as "good enough". Right now I found out, I am good enough to get into a credential program, but not a Masters Program. However, if I do good enough the first year in the credential program I can transfer over to the Masters Program. I still see failure in all of that. I know I can still reach my goal, but had I done good enough in college, then it wouldn't be an issue now.

Then I remind myself that I was a single mom in college. I just located my transcripts. When my daughter was 6 weeks old I started my senior year, I took 18 units that semester, and my last semester in order to graduate on time, I took 21 units, passed them all. I suppose that is pretty good since 24 units is what a lot of people take in one year. Still, frustrates me.

I'm glad to report that we don't even notice the carpetless stairs. And yes, previously, DH or I would be fuming every step of the way.

I believe this might sound pompous...but it's a blessing. Really woke us up to how much we've changed...what peace we have for the most part...and no, DS16 fumes.

LOL

Okay, not much...but some.

Can you separate doing well enough and being good enough?

I don't even have a degree. You did very well and are pursuing another.

I still see you're gathering evidence to fight your fear of failure, your failure perspective, instead of just changing it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I admire you for all you have accomplished...and for who you are...my fellow human...willing to post and share to me...and proud I don't slap you silly for depriving me.

LOL

Just kidding. I missed you.

LA

I try to really. However, I know that no matter how hard I try at some things, it won't be enough. I teach the girls that as long as they try their best, that's what matters. Yet, I don't hold myself to the same standard. Even though I'm doing well enough, doesn't mean it's good enough. I guess it's like with my grades, I did well enought to pass, but it's not enough to get into a Masters program.



I am working on changing it. Just not that easy. It has taken me over 3 years to even start looking into a teaching program. I was/am afraid at failing, but Im realizing I don't know unless I try.

Going back to school could possibly be a very big change for all of us. It will mean another move, living with my mom for awhile, possibly us all buying a bigger house together. It would mean my husband leaving the federal gov't as his employer. It might even eventually put me in the seat as the main breadwinner in the family.

Thanks for sharing with me also Loving.

BTE,

Separating being good enough from doing (which are two different things) is really important. I believe you already know the difference...that practicing it is what you could do for better self-care.

As for the evidence gathering...you and I have been around on this one...and I think I learned a little more than before...it does tie into knowing the difference between being and doing.

Looking for evidence for what to believe...when what you believe is your own choice, at all time...well, I kept running into conflicting evidence...and I hear this in you, too...if evidence is how we prove reality to ourselves, and it conflicts...I did this well, but not this...I still failed when I did well, because I didn't do well enough...and worse when I did this...but this was harder...

That became crazymaking to me...basing my beliefs and choices on results...which were out of my control.

Like grades...your effort and meeting requirements are within your control...your grade is not. So basing your gain/loss, success/fail on results doesn't seem like evidence to me. What do you think?

As for all your decisions...the many moves, weighting all the consequences for each action...takes me back, in my POV, to another round we did on priorities. I couldn't make the decision you're looking at without knowing my priorities.

Which leads me back to "I know that no matter how hard I try at some things, it won't be enough." Enough what and for whom?

LA

P.S. I thought of you and shared your house stories with DH (updated him from the last time) when I went up the stairs Friday night...and I hit the tack strip this morning...had to smile...I immediately thought of you.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm confused on this. Your grade is a direct result of meeting requirements. Unless you mean that you can still meet the requirements and do C work and did the best that you could. Or someone can meet all the requirements and do A work. Basically, I earn the my grade by how well I do the work, so in my mind I control my grade. What am I missing here?



This is what I'm really looking at right now. Short term sacrafice vs long term goals. I have wanted to go back to school for a long long time now. I have wanted my teaching credential for a long time. I believe that having my credential, being able to work full time, yet still being able to be with the kids most of the time after school, summer break, spring break etc. really helps me balance the desire to be a Mom and have a career. If I am making more money than taking entry level positions in customer service, it would allow dh to perhaps search for work that he would enjoy more. 2 retirements are always better than 1. For now we have decided that I am going to apply to the Master's program here and in North Carolina and kinda see what happens. I "think" I have enough friends that can help when I am school at night and dh is working. I have had two offer to help out. Daycares are also open until midnight here. Not idea, again, short term sacrafice for long term gain. I am scared. I still have time to make decisions. The earlies I would start school is January. I still have to figure out a way to fund it, I will manage though. Dh and I will continue to discuss what's important to both of us. He is looking for work in NC. I would substitute teach there and go to school in the evening. That would allow me a couple hours in the afternoon with the girls. My mom would be there to help us with the girls, they would have family, be well taken care of. There is always the wrench though, if this house doesn't sell in time. HOuses here can stay on the market for 12 months. Affording both places, maybe renting this place.. sigh... so much.




Enough to make everyone happy. For everyone to be satisfied. For me to feel as if I did the best I could, there is always room for improvement.



ouch. Hope your foot is ok. We have a tack strip that is popping through our carpet where our living area meets the dining area. It hurts and we have some protection from the carpet, I could only imagine stepping directly on it.

grrr, I am so tired of hearing my dh tell people "you don't listen to me"

He does it to me all of the time. If he tells me something and I don't do exactly as he says I get the whole "you don't listen to me speech." I heard what you said, doesn't mean I have to do what you said. I totally feel like I am a child when he talks to me like that, as if I am supposed to obey everything he says.

My experience with college grades is that ultimately, they were not in my control. I had a writing prof tell me at the end of the semester, "Oh, I don't give A's...unless you publish during the semester." Exceeded all the course requirements and got a B.

While you and DH discuss what's important to each of you, remember the marriage has a say...what is important to the marriage. That third part matters...and if you prioritize your marriage as first place, the rest drops into it...

First, do no harm...to your marriage. POJA this extensively, in all ways...the retirement is for both...unless you don't stay together; the hours to get your degree will be something the entire family sacrifices...to be without you and for you to be without them. Find the boundaries to what you want, first...hold them to your standards and find out what is acceptable...look down the line and see if they could cumulatively become unacceptable.

I'm ignorant and don't understand with your undergraduate degree why you can't teach elementary school and work on your Masters as you go?

"Enough to make everyone happy. For everyone to be satisfied. For me to feel as if I did the best I could, there is always room for improvement."

So you still choose to believe YOU make everyone happy and satisfied. I don't think I can help then. You're in a human loop in your beliefs. I believe one of the most essential needs in a marriage is acceptance...what you don't accept in yourself, you will not accept in others...your feeling inadequate, failure, etc. will be mirrored in others feeling inadequate and failures, as well.

Now...when your DH says "you don't listen to me" that is a perfect time (and it sounds like it's frequent enough you won't have to wait)...to ask

"Do you believe I don't listen to you because I don't do what you say or because I don't hear it in the first place?"

People who say they don't feel heard are not talking about the act of listening--but doing. Good to separate those two expectations...one you can be doing and the other not...and stating, "Ouch! When you say that to other people and to me, I hurt."

(think of a that tack strip)

Well...that was reiterating what you already know. Doesn't sound like you're communicating that respectfully to him. There's DJs both ways in your communication...and you choosing to here it partentally doesn't help.

You can choose differently.

Practice, "I am your partner. We are equals. What I hear is that you want this goal accomplished. I am agreeing to do that, as your partner, in my own way. Let's talk about what you see and what I see when I've accomplished it, okay?"

You matter. Your voice counts. Use it. What you say, regardless of his response, matters to you...your self. That's what we're looking out for in your thread. You.

All about you. In a GREAT way.

LA

This is true. There are some professors who don't believe in giving A's for whatever reason. I have been fairly lucky to have prof.'s that have said this is what it takes for an A, B, C etc. If you do the work and get this many points this is your grade.



I agree it's a sacrafice the whole family will have to make. That's what's hard for me. At the same time, once I have finsihed, the whole family will benefit from it also. WE are still discussing how I will go about school, full time, part time, work part time, not at all, full time etc.



Because you have to have a teaching credential/license to teach. I don't have that. I have a Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. The Masters Program will allow me to get my Masters and Teaching Credential. It is possible after the first year that I will be able to teach full time and continue working towards the Masters.



I am actually doing better about this, not perfect, but still working towards it.



It is because I don't do what he tells me or anyone else that he tells it to.





I'm sure the way I hear it doesn't help. The way he says it to me is the exact same way he says it to the girls. Even with the girls I will ask, are you sure they understand what you are saying. He gets upset, because to him , what he said is perfectly clear. It boils down to do as I say and everything is fine.



And when it's not done how he wants it done, or it didn't work out right, I get the see "noone listens to me"

The example today is that I had called IRS to find something out about our tax refund. The information they gave me was conflicting with what I had. I called him about it, he at first said well call and double check. We talked some more and then he said just dont' worry about it, we will see when we get the return. Well, I started thinking more about it and called back. When I finished, I called him to tell him what I found out, his response was "noone listens to me. I told you don't worry about it." I said I wanted to know, I didn't ask you to find out, I did it myself. He replied' yeah but I said don't worry about it." Then I replied "yes sir' and hung up. He called back. He said he didn't want to argue about the money. I told him that's not what I was upset about. I was upset about being told that I dont' listen to him because I don't do what he wants... we decided to not talk about it right now.

Hi BTE!!

You have my sympathy for all your problems with the house. That sure doesn't sound like fun for you and your family.

I hear what you're saying about the grades. It took me a long time to realize that the TEACHER is actually the one who has control over the grade, not me! (Although I have to admit that I'm still pretty perfectionistic about my own grades, now that I'm back in school... LOL).

I don't understand why you have to get a master's to get your credentials, though. You said that you are qualified for a credential program -- can't you just do that, get your credentials and start teaching without getting a master's at all?

As someone who has just recently (um, in JUNE) started going back to school while working full time, I really understand your struggle to balance everything and make it work for your family. It's a challenge, definitely. I've enjoyed it so far, but I'm still not completely convinced that this is the right choice (right now, I'm taking classes at a community college that are required for me to apply for the master's program, so I'm not really committed yet, you know?) I just keep telling myself I can quit at any time if it becomes unsustainable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

hugs!
HTBH

Thanks, it really is frustrating. The painter didn't show up again today, that's twice this week already.



I don't have to get a Master's. However, most of the schools are now offering a combined Masters and credential program. It generally takes 2-3 years depending on how many classes you are able to take etc. Generally, you can teach after you first year, if you can pass the proper test. If I am going to spend two years in school again, I would prefer to get my masters and credentials at the same time. For teachers, having your Masters is an automatic minimum of 10% more for pay. The way it works from what I understand, is a lot of the work and labs you do for your student teaching, go into a portfolio for your Masters, they work together, instead of separtely.



It is a lot of work. Personally, I love learning and love the challenges of schoold. I would be a lifetime student if I could afford it lol. If you find you like the field you are studying, I would seriously recommend finishing it before lil ones come along, that's if you plan on having kids one day. I wanted to continue school after my Bachelors, but made the choice to go to work full time, then I got married, and had another child, things just kept happening, that I allowed it to prevent me from finishing school.

AARRGHH!! How frustrating!



I see what you're saying. That does make sense!

I'm in a similar situation -- because my undergrad degree is not related to occupational therapy, it will take me just as long to get my master's and be a full-fledged OT as it would to go through a program to become a certified aide, so I may as well get the master's!

I am actually really enjoying being back in school. It's just hard to balance that with my job and H and friends/family/everything else! So far it's working out OK.

We're not planning to have any kiddos anytime soon, so that certainly will help the time-management problem! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Went out of town again this weekend. The foster dog went to live with his new family. They called me the next day, less than 24 hours later and said he was too much work. They talked with a trainer, haven't heard from them since. Hopefully he is doing well.

My girls go back to school tomorrow. My youngest, the 4 year old starts Pre-k. We spent lots of time school shopping this weekend.

Was an ok weekend. Today with dh didn't go so well. We got home, I had to go back out to pick up last minute school stuff. When I left I told the girls to put their clothes on the couch away. I asked dh to start his uniforms if he needed them washed because I needed to wash the school clothes tonight. I get home close to 3 hours later. We had been in touch throughout the time. In one phone call I asked him to have the girls get in the tub so I could do dd7's hair when I got home. He said they were outside with the puppy, he didn't want to bring them in yet. I said ok that's fine.

I get home, he did start dinner, the clothes were still on the couch, he hadn't started his laundry. He was on the computer looking for jobs the majority of the time. I asked why the clothes weren't put away, he said he told the girls not to worry about it. He then told me, since he told them that, that he would put them away. They are still sitting there.

We had dinner. The kitchen is a DISASTER, he said he knows he made a mess he would clean it up. Which he clean most of it. At about 9pm my dd7 came out said the tv was too loud, clearly wasn't and that she couldn't sleep. SOmething in me triggered. Not sure what, I got so angry. I started yelling at dh about him not doing anything, not helping, expecting me to take care of everything. He just pretty much ignored me, went about his business, I left into the other room. I get up, he is laying in bed, the load of laundry I had in the dryer is thrown on the couch. It was the girls school clothes, now they needed to be ironed. I asked him why he just threw them on the couch, he responded that he didn't know what I wanted done with them. I asked why didn't you ask me, he didn't feel like being ****** at. I said "great now I have to iron them because you didn't feel like being ****** at, thanks"

I think my one biggest pet peeve about him is if I ask him to do something and he says he will do it, and he doesn't. I'd rather him say no, I don't want to do it, then tell me yes and not do it. I know tonight, was more about me than him. Yeah, he irked me, but he didn't deserve to be yelled at like that.

Have you read the passive agressive thread in In Recovery? It describes how to deal with those behaviors, that anyone can have. It's really long, so you may want to pace yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I look forward to see your responses, because I have heard some people find success with "reasonable" expectations, and not sure if that applies to our situations.

I haven't read it yet. I will check it out thanks! I never finished You DOn't Have to Take It either. Get bored easily lol.

Dh went to sleep right after dinner tonight. No help with the girls <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He told me he was just laying down for a minute <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> "I wasn't snoring, I'm just resting." I asked if him he could at least take a shower instead of sleeping in our bed after working a 12 hour shift in the heat. Not sure if he did or not. If he didn't, I think I will choose the couch to sleep on tonight.

At dinner he told the girls he had a surprise for them. DD4 started acting out, so he told her she didn't get it tonight. BY the time dd7 was ready for hers, dh was "resting" and told her she would get it tomorrow. He does that a lot, actually I think we both do. Have good intentions of doing something, but get tired usually, sometimes sidetracked, usually tired though, and back out of it. I will try to work on it a bit more.

So, it's 945, I have ironed the clean clohtes that needed ironing, cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, and worked on the living room, finding a home for school supplies and such. Everyone in the house was asleep by 9. Guess I will make it an early night also.