No, the problems aren't that far up. I would have to have a vestibulectomy, which I would do as a last resort. There is a lot that can be tried before getting to that point. I just haven't found a dr. yet that is either educated enough about it to know there are alternatives, or one who will listen to me when I present alternatives to try.



I spent some time looking around the site today. I believe there is somewhere I can email a dr. I am going to look into that more. I also found USC, Charleston, Medical College has a program for my problem. It is only a 3.5 hour drive, compared to the 6 hour one I am prepared to make. I am calling them Monday. They also allow you to speak to a nurse before making an appt. I can find out if they are only doing the same thing my current dr. is, or if they use other methods to treat it, before driving down there.



Thanks! She is feeling much better today. Slept all night long, woke up hungry lol... Haven't had one stomach problem at all today.


HOnestly, no. Because I am resorting back to old ways, if I was doing it, I could fix it. I could change it. This is about him, not me, which means I can't fix it. I know I have to believe that he can handle it himself, it's just hard.

He can handle it himself...he was brave enough to share, knowing your old pattern, and he faced that fear and shared, anyway.

Ask him if he felt shame in feeling rejection where it isn't...and share where you've discovered you feel it, as if it's coming from him about you, when it wasn't. This is intimacy. Not fixing. Sharing.

Gosh, I can't help but wonder, given my penchant for symbols, if this very affliction will not do for you what you fought against for so long...show you the fulfillment of true intimacy when your regular way is blocked. You felt great pain from intimacy, being vulnerable and open...rejection, judgment...and now, you've been shared with and saw in your mind, not in your belief system yet...what it is like to hear, know and for it not to be your doing, your control. You had to sit in your own fear and hear, anyway.

Building trust in yourself to handle what is yours alone will build your trust in him to handle what is his alone...and the intimacy of that respect is mindblowing. Was for me. A greater connection than controlling, owning what wasn't mine and living from enmeshment. It's like drinking a cola and believing your thirst was quenched, believing in the fantasy...until you were handed water and drank it deeply...and knew what it really was to have your thirst truly quenched.

((((BTE))))))

I trust you to do the best for yourself medically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I really do. You're easy to believe in, BTE. I love the way you touch my life.

LA

Not sure if this is a step forward or not. I believe it was in some ways. It was about me realizing I had choices.

As you know, our builder is still doing lots of work on our house. I have asked him to call me the day before anyone will be here to work so I can make sure to be here.

Yesterday, dh and I had just left the house, probably not even 5 minutes away. My builder called, said that the cabinet guy was working on another house and then would be ready to work on mine. He did apologize for not calling the day before, said it slipped his mind. Now, in the past I have always stopped what was I was doing, came back to the house, and would be angry that I had to be there, instead of doing what I planned. I would then take it out on dh, as if it was his fault, and everyone around me.

Well, this time I told the builder that I wouldn't be home for a couple ofhours, that I had errands to run. It was the truth. He told me the cabinet guy lived about 3 hours away, that he wasn't sure when he would be back. I understood the problem, but I also knew that dh and I had plans, we wanted to get out and spend some time together, and take care of a few things. I made the choice not to go back to the house. The builder called me back, said the cabinet guy would wait for me.

Now, some would say I was being unreasonable, I could have came back. I could have, but I always did, and I resented it. The cabinet guy made a choice to wait, his choice not mine. I knew when I made my choice that I might have to wait for him for another month or longer, I was ok with that. I wasn't ok with cancelling my plans.

Dh and I started talking about it, he said that a comedian on tv the other day said something how women always have choices, they make a choice, and then want to be mad at everyone else for it. (I'm sure the same could apply for just everyone). I told dh, I belive I've done that for a long time. I have always made choices trying to make everyone else happy, and then I end up angry and resentful. I am really trying to make choices that I want, that I am happy with. Sometimes others won't be happy with them, but I have to be.

So, I was really comfortable with my choice. Then we got back home. At first the cabinet guy was very short with me. I started feeling bad that he sat here and waited. Guilt started creeping in. I reminded myself, it was his choice to wait....

::Cheers:: Good for you, BTE! I know it wasn't easy, but like you said, you had let them know ahead of time that you need a day's notice before. I have to tell myself that, too, that it's okay to not be always convenient for everyone.

More cheers! You ROCK, BTE!

Excellent choice all around...not for retaliation, but verification...that your number one priority is your marriage, your children, your house, etc...

I'm behind you.

Now, let's look at the contractor's POV for a moment...

Is it your responsibility that cabman lives three hours away? Wasn't it cabman's choice to live that far? To work for this contractor? And if not calling you a day in advance breaks the agreement...then the agreement is broken. Not your doing. You held yourself, and I believe it was difficult for you, to your standard that others do not define you...you won't be a bad person if you follow through on your plans...and you WON'T!

I think your self was starving to hear that...for you to do that...

And I LOVE the reflection here...because of his own choices, cabman waited and then began taking it out on you. Sounds like he got a grip after that...but really, can you see your old self from the outside?

You chose to not do that which you would resent...right thing, right way...not dependent on the results. Oh, what a great story...I hope a lot of people read it...how freeing...and it tells fear, see? The world didn't end, didn't make you a bad person, just an honest one, acting from honest priorities.

Great boundary enforcement!

That's thriving, BTE...and yes, my carpet is finished, btw.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Darn, now we have to have people over.

(((((BTE)))))

Yes, yes and more yes to you not doing that which you will resent...teaching self there is no power in resentment, the old way is the OLD way...and you're going to live and thrive! (Tell me why don't those rhyme?)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Cheers from me too! Yay for BTE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hugs, HTBH

(LA, are you having a party for us in your lovely home with the beautiful new carpet??? I would LOVE to come!)

Thanks everyone!

DIdn't do as well today with dh. I apologize for my part. Explained how I really felt (you know, that's new for me) lol. Basically, I'm feeling really unimportant in my role as a sahm. I feel like a failure and feel that it isn't appreciated. So tore into dh about what he doesn't do around the house. It was wrong. INstead of letting him believe it was about him, like I used to do in the past, I told him it was about me and my feeling about me. Not right that I did it, but I admitted it and apologized.

A whole different issue has me pretty down tonight. My Dad. My Dad raised me. We are/used to be very very close. We still talk almost daily, sometimes more than once a day. That is, if his girlfriend isn't around. This is a long time girlfriend, been together almost 8 years.Live together, heis basically Dad to her kids who are 18 and 15. She doesn't like me, never has. He doesn't call me from home, I don't call him at home. I'm not allowed to stay at their house, visit, every once in awhile is ok, overnight, no way. Anyhow, I called his office tonight, like I usually do, except she was there, answered the phone. I said Hi, GF, is my Dad around. She said yeah, hold on. He gets on the phone, I was telling him what I had to tell him, he was very short. Normally if he is busy, he will tell me what's going on with his work, why he is so busy, and that he needs to finish up etc. I could tell something wasn't right, I said you busy? "yup, I'll have to talk to you later." I said ok bye. Normally there is an I love you, no nothing. Just a short conversation.

On top of this, my 30th b-day is coming up. I asked him, I believe back in March to please come out. We offered to help wtih the ticket. Found a round trip ticket for $253 and that was out of the local airport, so he wouldn' thave to drive over an hour. Every month or so I would ask, he would say I don't know, I will try, etc. Well, I quit asking. He knows I want him here, He was there for my 18th and my 21st. I understand that we have our own families. I am ok with that. But my dh keeps telling me to ask him about coming out. I don't want to. I don't want to hear the excuses of why he can't come. But it hurts like crazy to know that once again, she is stopping him from seeing me. My girls lose out also. I'm sorry it's his choice not to come see me, to face her, to stand up to her. She can't control him. It still hurts. I still feel like I don't matter. It's like I'm some evil step child. No matter what I do, it's not good enough.

BTE,

Great job on the ownership! Hey, when we mess up (not living up to our own code), we amend...and you did!! Way to go, BTE...and sharing your stuff? Oh my...how terrific is that? You might have tore into DH because of the fear jumping up...trying to get you to give up sharing yourself...upped your permission to AO, which wasn't your intent. Know you faced that fear down today...owning what you did, and committing to continue to share your feelings, anyway.

You recommitted, right?

::nudge nudge::

That fear will shrink to the size of a two-year-old, instead of a choking giant, I promise...if you keep practicing your intimacy.

Sounds like your Dad is telling you the opposite of what you're hearing...your daily communication is an act of love, each time, each word...and he isn't enforcing his boundaries, and you might feel violated because he isn't...you have control over that.

His stuff isn't about you. He is choosing his life...limiting his relationships...because of his own stuff, not hers or yours. You have a desire to have him show you love by holding his fear and acting anyway...something you're learning. He is conflict avoiding, instead. His choice. Not about you. And since you're new to stating your feelings, owning they are yours, they are valid, and tracing them to the beliefs they are coming from, he may not know your feelings, thoughts and beliefs, you think?

What if his choices are an example to you of where you were headed...how far you'd go...to not be intimate, have boundaries and live from fear? Like a future picture? Whoa. Not yours...look all you're doing and believing differently.

And he's so very consistent in his acts of love, acting from the love he has for you, his choice to stay connected, daily...WOW...that you felt an immediate and deep loss from the inconsistency tonight? Could that not show the depth of his love...his consistency, more striking, less taken for granted?

Yeah, I'm annoyingly flipping this over. Doesn't mean your grieving isn't real or warranted...I know that devastation. And your DJ that GF was the reason doesn't help you see truth, both sides of it, does it?

It stabs you in your tender spot...break it down.

You choose to believe GF doesn't like you. She may even have stated this, bald out...and it still be not true. Those who do not like themselves, who live in high fear daily, don't like others, period. You don't know. Choose to know what you do not and be okay. She has a problem. You don't.

The rejection walks in and crushes your head when you choose to believe that your father is choosing her over you. That if he really loved you, then you'd be welcomed into their home for your visits, be apart of a bunch of Brady-like events and gatherings, and be able to walk in, anytime..if he'd put his foot down. Am I close?

Do you believe he's sacrificing your feelings for hers?

Would you consider he's a conflict avoider...hmmm...wasn't that someone named BTE last year? Oh, I digress...and has nothing to do with loving you and everything to do with his own fears? Unless you choose to equate it to love, it doesn't equate.

Back to the DJ for the abrupt phone conversation...you didn't expect her to be there, and even though she was, you didn't expect him to not do the routine...which includes listening, sharing and the outstanding I love you signoffs (consistently). Your own expectations are what you're partially grieving right now.

So, you control your expectations and DJs. To widen the scope of other scenarios...they were at his office to sign common law marriage divorce papers...or she confronted his CA tushie on issues he wasn't addressing...or they were running out to an appt they were late for...or anytime she's in the room, all he can taste is fear, choked as you were, and knew you, of all his beloved, was safe, would understand and not bash him.

Ooops.

As for her cutting you out or him...limiting your opportunities of presence...have you considered that may be HIM protecting YOU and your feelings?

Or just smell enough like potential conflict to ward off?

You now live in today...not so long ago you were full of past flashes and future scenarios...choosing your today from those feelings...real or not. Others may still do that. React not act.

Could this be where you realize how immensely far you've come? Oh you who kicks-her-own-butt? That's your indian name.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're from my tribe.

These aren't excuses I'm making up...these are real considerations to identify what you do not know...and not to assume.

She can't stop him from seeing you, from flying out or committing to flying out. Only he has that power. He chooses. Share your "I" statements with him...he needs that information. May or may not change his choice...just know that withholding it is lying by omission, limiting what he knows to decide from...only your part, BTE. No blame.

Do it.

Maybe this is what your DH is really asking you to do...he's the recipient of a lot of what may be you for your father...to open your mouth and speak will tell self you are not an evil step child. You know you are not. You are not anything but loved by your father. Dearly. Daily. Intensely. And know what you do, each step you take, is enough...period. Remove that scathing judgment weapon, BTE. Pains me to see you using it on your marvelous self.

LA

Wow, LA, great post!

I only have 3 things to add:

1. BTE, well-done on owning your part and making amends!! That's awesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yay!

2. I thought *I* was she-who-kicks-her-own-butt. LOL. I didn't realize there were so many of us!

3. I notice that LA seems to have rescinded the party invitation... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Big Hugs,
HTBH

I was getting ready to threadjack HTBH, and decided to post on my own thread.

HEre is what I wrote over there..


I understand trying to juggle everything. Takes a lot out of you. I was looking online at jobs yesterday. Just started submitting my resume, figured it couldn't hurt. Didn't expect a call back already last night. I wasn't home to talk to her, but I didn't sleep well last night. Heck, I haven't even interviewed and my mind is already running a mile a minute. How can I work full time and do everything. Coach dd4's soccer team, which plays MOndays and Thurs nights, still get to see my dd7 play every once in awhile. She also plays the same days but at different parks about 30 minutes away, feed them good meals, work full time, care for my two dogs, one which is still a puppy, and nurture my marriage. I didn't sleep well at all. Tossed and turned. Upset, frustrated, feeling like a failure, and I haven't even started lol. I "KNOW" I can do it, just not sure I want to do it. At what expense is it going to be done, don't forget, if I get accepted, I start Grad school also in Jan. Luckily, soccer will be over mid November.

I start thinking if I take a job now, I can't do my dr. appt in a couple of weeks, and what about my dd's teacher conferences, and field trips, tests I have to take for grad school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Dh went to the Dr.'s today. He's not doing well. Lots of stomach problems. Dr. thinks it's due to stress, lack of sleep. It hurt's me to see him that way. Makes me feel guilty for not having a good full time job that would allow him to pursue something he enjoys. I know I can't save him, but I wish I could at least help. Relieve some of the burden... It's so hard being torn between being a mom and supporting the family.

BTE, when was the last time you held a full-time job? To me it was a lot easier than working.

You get take-out for dinner a night or two a week (I miss that!)

Your kids aren't home to make a mess

You get more help with the house, everyone does their part instead of leaving it all for you

You make enough to hire out the heavy cleaning

Instead of feeling "never enough" you get congratulated for doing a good job

Just realized I didn't really validate your feelings, and they are valid. It is a lot of juggling, and the kids and the M and the dogs pay a price, too. Only you can decide.

EO

I was working full time up until we moved here. In some ways it was easier. But I didn't have the extra stuff going on with the kids.

I didn't have a commute either, which I would have now. Not a big one, but about 25 minutes away. It would be lots of back and forths. I don't think I would make enough to actually hire anything out.

I know once I get back in the swing of things, it will all work out. I just enjoy my downtime during the day with the girls at school. Plus, one day a week while the girls are at school, dh and I go out to lunch and spend time out of the house together. That will end. He works two weekends a month, so we only have two weeks a month off together. Every 28 days he works 6pm-6am. He will have left for work before I even get home. It's fear, that's all... I will eventually work through it.

The place called back, it's a law firm, I have an interview MOnday..

Hi BTE,

By the way, you're welcome to post on my thread, too, anytime you want. The more the merrier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't have much to add, except, I understand!! It was a hard decision for me to try to go back to grad school (still have to apply for that next month...), even though I really really wanted to, because I don't want any of my other responsibilities to suffer. So I know what you mean, my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How is YOUR self care? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah, and CONGRATS on getting an interview so quickly! Yay for you!

Hugs,
HTBH

Self care~ hmmmm, I am excersising a bit more. Well, if you call playing soccer with 4 & 5 year olds twice a week for an hour each time exercise. Not sleeping well again, need to work on it.

Having a real hard time with my dd7. She is wearing me down mentally. She (a lot like I was/am) is not taking ownership for anything. Everything is everyone elses fault. Getting in trouble for talking in class, "other students distract me" Couldnt find her school papers, "daddy knocked them on the floor." Forget the fact taht they were already supposed to be put away in her binder. She cried almost all day after school yesterday, "sister is annoying me."

Then, she fought with her sister because dd4 didn't fill the water bottle all the way. It was dd4's water bottle, she was happy and proud of how she did the water bottle. DD7 tried taking it from her telling her it was wrong, she needed to do it the right way...

I'm not sure how to help her realize she is has choices. she needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions.. It only took me 30 years to figure it out lol...

I am exhausted today. Wanted to take a nap, but dh was laying down. I was avoiding it, my choice. I didn't want to lay down and have him start rubbing on me, and have to ask him to stop. Eventually, I gave in, laid down. He started rubbing on me, I told him I came to lay down because I was tired, to please stop. He did stop, later he mentioned that "he gets the short end of the stick when it comes to me" THat I very rarely want him touching me. It's true. I have improved, but I try to avoid situations with him where he will want to rub on me.

WE keep going in circles on it, he wants to spend more time with me, I feel like we are together quite a bit. Would like more alone time. Or time just being, not doing. Not rubbing, talking, etc. just being.

BTE,

A few thoughts...

What a great opportunity to state what you desire...see, you don't have to take the job because they want you...in the interview, you can give your priorities...you will be GREAT for the company--they're success is your success--and mutally supportive...here's a list of what I have scheduled...and working around those priorities to mutually benefit the company...win/win...mutuality...not one way or the other...that lovely gray area you didn't know existed until you opened your mouth and spoke...knowing you are half of a partnership at work as you are in your marriage.

You won't believe what is possible...

And if not this one, then another.

Would you also consider that your DH's health problems are not caused by work...but his chosen attitude, perception and ways of coping with stress? He is half that equation...lots of power...so you getting a job isn't a cure or contribution...may even be a detriment to him learning about his real issues, instead of the externalizing?

Not saying this is the case...just that my DH still struggles with this and I don't...stress is so much less when I found my own power...

And if, when you worry, and cannot sleep...could you tell yourself "worrying is like praying for what I DON'T want" and learn to accept more...so you can feel accepted more? Your sleep, as we've talked about, is so essential to you knowing you have a choice very minute...staying aware...and I think that your lack of sleep contributes to your spirals...making your reality come true more than not true...

Just me and my wacky ideas.

This is me, from what was my life long experience with insomnia...and wrestling my life instead of living it...I trained myself out insomnia, same as I did out of depression..by not choosing it. Knowing I had a choice...and forgiving myself for not exercising that choice before...

Sleeping deeply, without tricks is another new joy I've had in the last two years. Upward spirals ROCK.

Thanks for posting so I could realize that...cool!

Look how high your awareness is...not rubbing, talking, doing...just being. Big kudos for you...can you link your feeling engulfed to your energy level at all? When you are tired, you feel more encroached, required, measured? Or not?

As for DD7...seeing ourselves in our children rattles big time...you nailed the difference...she's a child, you're not. Seeing in her behaviors you still have will rile you up, experiencing anger from fear...that she will NEVER learn...and how hard that was on you and others you loved...and it isn't true. Sharing who you are now, owning to her "I get really afraid when you say you didn't do something I know you did. I feel afraid and then angry. Remember when Daddy did <blank> and I did <blank>? I felt fear of being in trouble, not being good enough."

Exampling is sharing...not lecturing...not trying to manipulate (get her to own her stuff) her into not being who she is right now, but being honest about what you see in you, how it feels, to show her her choices...through yours.

You're her mirror...she lives through your reflection...now is when she begins to define herself...show her who you really are, warts and all, how you see yourself...so she can see herself directly.

You'll notice your DH does what your DD7 does...and remind yourself...30 years for you...longer/shorter for others...same trip...taking it together.

Share more. Sleep more. Live more.

Cycles are circles...that's a signal.

LA

I have thought about this. I guess, I keep thinking if I make enough $ at least he can see if he likes something else out there. At the same time, he has been pushing to move, and I"m saying no. Let's stick this one out. Feel like we are running constantly, trying to find happiness, instead of being happy, here, with what we have.



My lack of sleep is not a good thing. I was so grumpy and short with the girls this week. Huge tantrums on my part. I'm embarrased and feel badly for the girls. I apologize to them, hugged them, kissed them, told them mommy was wrong for acting that way, and I am working on improving it. They said "that's ok mommy, we love you too"


When I'm tired, I judge myself alot. Look at what so and so does and they aren't tired, they do it all. I feel I should be able to do it "all" and not be tired.

Dh and I can't seem to get past some points in our marriage. He told me the other day it seems like he is giving 100% and I'm only giving 50%. I really got hurt with this one. He still wants more affection from me. More touching etc. I am giving what I can give right now. I also finally talked to him about his weight, how it bothers me. I feel bad for this. Sad and shallow. I don't love him any less, I just wish he would lose some weight. He was hurt by me telling him his weight bothers him. Not what I wanted. But, by not telling him, he didn't know. I was witholding information that affects my feelings towards him.

Thanks for still taking the time to post to me LA, and others!

BTE,

I hope you're asleep right now while I'm posting.

LOL

Judgment sucks.

Judging yourself ensures you'll judge others...your daughters, your DH, everyone. Ouch.

Judging yourself, by comparing, hurts you terribly. What did you do that was so bad? So unforgiveable?

And yes, we are physical creatures...as your sleep dwindles, so does your awareness...they are linked. Focus on getting the sleep and the rest will follow. Great way you owned your stuff to your kids...how about owning it to your DH, too? "I really have a problem with judging all the time. I'm working on it. Feels so automatic, especially when I'm tired. And I still disrespect both of us by believing we hurt each other when we share...my old way of proving to myself that sharing hurts...when I know that we hurt every day and live another...I respect you can feel hurt and still love; I know I can feel pain and still love."

How you talked to him about his weight is more of the issue than talking to him about his weight...can you see the difference?

"I've been noticing your weight a lot more lately. I don't know if it is from not getting enough sleep or what. I have thoughts of you dying young, and I fear losing you. I also have thoughts that maybe you're unhappy so you eat, and that I'm doing something to cause it. I really get wrapped up in the cause/cure cycle. I feel sad and shallow just thinking about your weight and worrying, because it doesn't affect my desire for you or my love."

This is sharing. Pretty exposed, huh? Flip it over...hear this from him to you...would you feel hurt by it?

Now, do this for him, if he shares (not trying to fix); "I see myself as extremely focused on you, measuring what you do, putting percentages to what you do and what I do. I count for me how much you're in my thoughts, which gives me that 100% feeling. Whether I'm doing 100% of what I think about or not. I don't see me in your thoughts, doing the same. I feel you have so much other stuff on your mind but me. Affection feels like attention to me...like you are thinking of me when you touch me. That's what it looks like from my eyes. I've often felt this way, in my life, though. Invisible, last place. I'm working on it."

Knowing each other's intent matters...you shared with no intent of hurting him; he did the same. Beats the heck out of withholding, withdrawing and not sharing. Kudos, woman!

Still taking the time? Ohmygosh...you are feeling low, huh? You grace my life, BTE. You DO. Who you are matters very much. Sharing who you are with me is a GIFT, and I cherish it...doesn't matter if I feel down, up, frustrated, sorrowful or thrilled...the choice you make matters greatly. Thank you for still posting.

One last thing...about acting and owning the results...you can choose to act, doesn't mean you have one iota of control over the results...when you walk out of your house, you create a slight breeze, and that breeze moves dust motes in the air, sends them in a new direction, and they drift to a different place and accumulate, differently, than they would if you hadn't walked out of the house at that time, in that way...and where they accumulate happens to form a base, attracts an insect, who makes it's home that place...and because of that, certain flowers and foilage is affected...and something blooms which might not have...right then...one mile away...in another person's life...because on their porch, a flower blooms...it opens blood red, a deep heart, on a dreary gray day, and they see it coming home from the funeral of their best friend, and they see it, and they feel welcomed back to life, remember a bond, and see it continue on...

Because you walked out your door.

You ripple around the world...no lie. We all do. Let go what you cannot control...the results, the response...leaves more room for you to choose how you say what you need to say, to share...owning it...so you can accept it's yours, all along.

LA

At this point, I don't think it's that I've done something so bad. More, that I can't do what other Mom's do.



I have tried talking to him everyway possible. I have shown him studies where lack of sleep causes weight gain and over eating. He is trying to sleep more. So am I. Part of the problem is when I talk to him about his weight, then he stops eating altogether. The Dr. talked to him also. It's something he will have to figure out on his own.

I reallly am working on being honest and not worrying about the results. I have two friends here. One introduced me to other. They are now fighting amongst each other. Each of course, calls me about the other, in the past, sadly, but honestly, I probably would have talked bad about each one to the other. This time, I told them both that I don't want to be in the middle of it. THey are both my friends, they have to work it out with each other. They both have grown a tad distant. I believe, hoping, I would take their side. I see one friends point, I really do, doesn't mean, I have to jump on the wagon with her and talk bad about the other. Sad part, is the one who is angry, never even told the other one why she is. She just sent her a text message asking her to not contact her again. It feels so much better knowing, I don't have to worry about saying something about one of them that may eventually get back to the other, I'm being honest and true to myself about it.

ANother thing I've been doing better on is saying no to family. My family really tries to help out. They are always trying to give us hand me downs and stuff the find for "cheap". I'm not against garage sales and so forth, if I find what I really want. For so long, I would take whatever they gave me, afraid to hurt their feelings, to say no. Well, I'm even more tired of having stuff in my house that I didn't really want, resenting it, resenting myself for accepting it. I thought to say no meant I was ungreatful, I'm learning it really doesn't. My mom and aunt sometimes seem hurt at first, then they are fine. I know I feel better about it.

Now, to dh and I. We tried to go shopping again. We had done this pretty well in the past. THis time, it wasn't a pretty sight. I was able to distinguish it was me, not him. We were able to resolve it better than usual. We started in one store. I was looking for a jacket. I have a hard time buying jackets because I"m very broad. I couldn't even find my size to try on to see how it fit. I hadn't finished looking either. My dh kept saying "ask someone who works here, ask them for help on what to wear". I heard, "you can't figure out what to wear get help." Then he saw an outfit on a mannequin and said what about this outfit? You would need to get a handbag, shoes and necklace to go with it. Most women would be thrilled, I heard what I had wasn't good enough. I asked to leave that store, I was upset, hurt. We went to the next store, saw another outfit, he said if I had an open collard I needed a necklace. That was the last straw for me. I started asking him "how many times have you seen me wear a necklace? just once.. blah blah" I finally told him shopping wasn't a good idea. I thought about what I was feeling and why. I told him the truth. It was about me, he didn't do anything wrong, he was trying to help. I was hearing something totall different than what he was saying. I was hearing that I wasn't good enough the way I was, the way I dress wasn't good. It really was about me, not him trying to change me. We were able to stop shopping, shift gears and enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

I still have to work through why I'm hearing that message, when that's now that's being said, at least I'm starting to realize, it's me changing the message..

Hi BTE!


That is AWESOME! And you feel good about it, right?



Wow, also awesome!



Super awesome!

BTE, I see you making some huge changes here, and casue for celebration!

Learning to see these messages that we're hearing is the first step -- and the biggest, IMO.

Yay for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((BTE)))

BTE,

I'm adding to HTBH's awesome...because I think your choices rock. Really, they do.

On the hearing the worst possible message...HTBH and EO can tell you I did that a lot...especially with my mom, dad and DH.

That was a major reason for me to listen and repeat...so that I would stop myself from hearing stuff that wasn't there.

And no, we aren't crazy. DJs are deep.

Again...proving ('cuz I know you love proof) that what we do to ourselves, we will do to others.

Big thumbs up on the acknowledging, sharing and being here...and when you stop doing this to yourself, you'll stop comparing yourself to others (mothers included), too. I promise. Won't even occur to you to do so, over time. SOOOO worth the journey, toots.

LA