Happy Birthday, BTE!!!!

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HTBH

Happy Birthday, BTE!!

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LA

(Psst, HTBH...you better be right or I'm gonna be sooo embarrassed thinking that BTE got another year older...when she didn't.)

Thanks Ladies!!

HTBH is right LA!

I am 30 today!! I thougth I would be sad and down, done with my 20's.

I am actually upbeat, excited, I'm really only a day older than yesterday, not a big difference lol...

Oh, yes...welcome to your third decade...life DOES get better with age...I promise!!

HTBH is ALWAYS right...why do I doubt? I dunno. Jealousy, I guess.

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Done with my 20's...oooh, thank you for THAT reminder...:::checking off yet another thing I'm deeply grateful for:::

LA

Hey lady, I'm always right when it comes to birthdays! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTE, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about 30 than you expected. I'm looking forward to 30, it seems like a given that I'll be so much wiser in 3 years than I am now, I can't wait! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope you are having a marvelous day, my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
HTBH

Happy birthday!

((((Better than ever))))

I didn't realize it's been so long since I've posted. Life is getting busy. Trying to spend less time on the computer.

Had a b-day party. Dh got me a wondeful gift, a wedding band set and earrings. Lots of friends, lots of kids.

He is sick right now, laryngitis, bronchitis, double ear infection, and a sinus infection. DD7 was home sick Monday. I now feel awful. I started working this week. Dealing with some of these kids I question if this is what I really want to do, teach. Then others just touch your heart in a special way.

I've been stressed lately. Saw a new dr. about my issues. Not sure I agree with him. He is trying one new thing, said if it doesn't work he wants to do the surgery. I'm frustrated. Feeling not heard. At least he agreed it wasn't all in my head.

Kids have been really driving me crazy. DD7's grades have dropped from all A's to very very low B's. She says she doesn't know what happened. The same time her academic grades started dropping her behavior grade dropped. The girls arebn't listening. Doing what they want. I'm feeling walked over, it's my lack of boundaries I'm sure. Sat, between the two of them they had 5 friends stay the night. Altogether I had 3-4 year olds, 1-5year old, 1-6 year old, and 2-7 year olds.

Feeling very disconnected from dh. Probably because he is sick, I don't feel good, and I'm working. Not a lot of time and when there is I just want to be left to unwind. Scary enough, it doesn't really bother me. I wonder if it's because I know we will reconnect, or it's easier this way. he doesn't want affection or sex or anything else.

My Dad wrote me a letter about not being here about my b-day. About it not having anything to do with his girlfriend. That he is tired of working, he wants to retire again soon, and wants all of his debt paid off first. Mentioned stayin the relationship he is in because he wants to finish what he started. Hmmm, I have bitter feelings a bout that, what about the first 3 marriages? And he isn't even married to this one. His choices, he has to live with them.



We have started the adoption process. Dh signed papers last week. The cost of it had completely wiped out our savings, I'm stressed about $. We don't make enough here, I waited too long to go back to work, so I get angry at myself.

It's the same circle, One day I will figure it out.

Good to see you again, BTE...

I'm sorry your family is stuck in the sicklies...and I'm happy you're teaching, with all the challenges that come with that.

About your father...taking what he says as anything but just his perception, his truth, is toxic. This is really where you learn how to not believe what others say and still respect that is theirs...

Congratulations on starting the adoption process...It was the best money I believe we've ever spent...

LA

Thank you! Unfortunately, I am still fighting this cold and dh has pneumonia. He is on the stronget oral antibiotics and is starting to feel a little better not much though.

Things got really ugly Friday night.I have been feeling very worn down. With him being sick I have been overwhelmed. The house is a disaster. I am having a hard time keeping up with soccer, work, him, and the house. His patience level with the girls is very low and Friday night I was just exhausted so I chose not to take them out of the house.

I went to lay down for abit, I guess dd7 wasn't doing what she was told, I heard a slapping sound and then her running and screaming. I then heard him follow her into the room and spank her. He then spanked dd4 who wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. She screamed, owe my arm.

I came out. DD7 said dh slapped her hand and then spanked her. He denies slapping her hand. I heard a slap, but didn't see it. I told the girls to go get their shoes and jackets that we would just leave for awhile. I was getting angrier and angrier with dh. He insists on laying on the couch and then wants everyone to tiptoe around him. This is where I made my mistake. I took the styrofoam cup he was drinking out of from him and threw it against my french doors. Luckily the girls weren't in the room. still not ok. This was the first time in a loooong time that I have felt so angry. Ok, I know angry isn't the underlying emtotion. Frustrated, helpless, walked all over. It was also the first time in a long time that I said I wanted a divorce. I have to figure out how to stop myself from getting to this point. I had been doing well with it. I think him being sick, starting work, me being sick, and the girls I became resentful. Instead of still having boundaries and not trying to please everyone I tried to take it all on myself. Still doing it..

Yesterday morning, I had a meeting at 10, school carnival aftet that until 4 and then took the girls to a trunk or treat party from 6 to 8. After that I stopped got dh dinner, it was almost 9 before I got home. BY that time I was too tired to work on the house, then I become angry because the house is so awful.

Even today, I have so much I want to get done and I haven't even started. The girls are watchig tv, dh is sleeping. I sit here and relax, but DJ myself the entire time for being too lazy and not getting done what needs to be done. At the end of the day, I won't have enough done that I think should be done and then will be angry all over again..

Not doing too well marriage wise. I got used to doing things with the girls alone. Dh went trick or treating with us last night. I was glad he could share it with the girls. I wasn't happy about having to make sure he was happy the whole time. I know, it's not my responsibility. But, my friend wasn't home when we got there, and he was mad. I understand his frustration, but he just kept going on and on about it to me. There's nothing I can do about it. I just took the girls to a couple of houses and came back to meet her. The entire time he complained about her not being there.

There's so much negativity lately about him that I just don't enjoy being around him. we fought again this morning about the girls. He doesn't let anyone finish talking, if he thinks he is right or whatever he will talk right over you and not let you finish. I get so angry when he does that. He does it to me and the girls. When I say something about it he gets upset and starts with the whole "i just won't say anything anymore.."

My girls, especially dd7, catches a huge amount of it from him. She gets so frustrated because he never lets her talk and she just starts crying, then she is in trouble for crying. Short of just taking the girls and leaving when he does this, I don't know what else to do.

I am not saying I am perfect. I am really working on my own stuff. But the way he talks to/at us is really becoming a deal breaker for me.

BTE, Happy put some links in booka's thread about these chemicals we feel when we're so angry. What can you do as far as self-care this evening?

Are you listening and repeating?

What about the corporal punishment, sorry I missed that post. Is that okay in your house? Have you read HNHN for Parents? Dr. Harley recommends that only the biological parent provide any discipline. What do you think? If there were boundaries, would you feel more accepting of the negativity?

{{{{BTE}}}}}} <---plastic-coated hugs...'cuz you're still germy, woman!

"Not doing too well marriage wise. I got used to doing things with the girls alone. Dh went trick or treating with us last night. I was glad he could share it with the girls. I wasn't happy about having to make sure he was happy the whole time."

Uhm, BTE? You are working hard to mass-produce resentment and suffer from it. Honey, you haven't done anything worth that kind of punishment.

Did you read "Getting the love you want?" I can't remember...when we talked...because I'm only reading it now...would you try? For you? 'Cuz you're majorly worth it?

"I know, it's not my responsibility. But,"

Whenever you put that put, you negate your statement entirely...a take-back. So what you said was that it IS your responsiblity.

"my friend wasn't home when we got there, and he was mad. I understand his frustration, but he just kept going on and on about it to me."

Did you listen and repeat the first time? How about the second? Did you share the third time that unless he does not believe you didn't hear him the first and second times, that you have heard and when he goes on and on, you feel used like an object, not like a partner?

"There's nothing I can do about it."

Lying to yourself can definitely feel isolating, lonely and put upon.

"I just took the girls to a couple of houses and came back to meet her. The entire time he complained about her not being there."

And you didn't do your part. He had no clue where your exasperation was coming from...might even have thought to go on and on because he DJ'd you thinking YOU were so upset about her not showing up.

"There's so much negativity lately about him that I just don't enjoy being around him. we fought again this morning about the girls. He doesn't let anyone finish talking, if he thinks he is right or whatever he will talk right over you and not let you finish."

Remove yourself when he does not listen. Say, "I listen and repeat to clarify and confirm I'm hearing you. When you interrupt me or the girls, we feel anger for you for crossing our boundaries."

"I get so angry when he does that."

You are working hard to store your anger up to do something...I don't know what...but you're back to threats and SD's, BTE. A cycle...the ups and downs of marriage...only it's cumulative...each down is a littler further...

"He does it to me and the girls. When I say something about it he gets upset and starts with the whole "i just won't say anything anymore.."

"I hear you are agreeing not to interrupt, is that correct?"

"My girls, especially dd7, catches a huge amount of it from him. She gets so frustrated because he never lets her talk"

There's your own childhood issue, BTE...you said "never lets her talk" which in our adult experience is not true. You are definitely in your old brain right now, in your perceptions and emotions.

"and she just starts crying, then she is in trouble for crying."

Does any of this resonate with your own upbringing? And are you giving her the words to use, exampling and explaining her boundary enforcements?

"Short of just taking the girls and leaving when he does this, I don't know what else to do."

You do know. I know you know. You've done it before. Progressive, predetermined steps. Including the final one, which is you call Child Protective Services yourself...or 911...teach first, second, third, fourth and fifth enforcements...demonstrate them or they won't be used or believed.

"I am not saying I am perfect."

Why not? You're perfectly made. I can see your furious, resentful, in a lot of pain and very frustrated. And you're projecting a lot as a signal to yourself.

"I am really working on my own stuff. But the way he talks to/at us is really becoming a deal breaker for me."

Your focus is consumed in his stuff...so no, you are not focused on your stuff...knowing and sharing what you're feeling and where it's coming from...what his behavior is triggering you to...what boundaries are being crossed and why you don't choose to enforce...where you've got that flight or fight thing in high gear...that would be working on your own stuff...

And once more, for emphasis, this is what you said when you put the "but" after your statement. Your reversed it.

Others will speak to your DDs the way he is doing right now. You will not be there to yank them away...and they will look to marry someone very much like their Dad...so how about teaching them how to stay separate and equal, enforce boundaries...share their own stuff and know what is theirs and what isn't...what is toxic to take on and what is healthy?

Healing others heals us. I read that. Partners heal each other (how 'bout that) in marriage...takes a lot of bravery, acts of love and choosing your actions from your goals, not reacting to your feelings.

BTE, I don't hear you tooting your own horn enough...so I wouldn't think you were acting perfect by attacking your H. You are attacking him. And your marriage. Each action you decide to do and know you'll resent it does that. You know this road. You know the false payoff. What I don't think you realize is how much you tune into him acting out his anger when you are suppressing your own. Until you act it out, then he stops.

This book really shows how to understand and relieve our anger. Lots of great stuff. I think I perceive you as more in your old brain than I've seen for nearly a year...and I wonder, if some of that anger is feeling back where you started...which isn't close to being true...just a fear thang. Like you need another one.

Speak for what you need; share what you want and desire...do not expect. Shred them for now, please. Your own expectations are kicking your heart to a pulp...and it looks like H is doing it. Until you separate out what you're feeling from what belief...you won't be able to get to the heart of what's happening, enforce boundaries or live in reality.

No human can. All that pain, anger, frustration...well, you give me your list, 'k? Emotion by emotion...tell me where it is coming from...what does your H's behavior trigger in you...get to it, know it and share it...'k?

Tell me, since you're working again, how's that worry about H being trapped in a job he doesn't like? All fixed?

LA

Only real self care is taking at least 15 minutes an evening to read.

Corporal PUnishment, is not a big thing in our home. I prefer for it to not be here at all, but there are certain situations when I find it appropriate. It's when it is used in conjuction with an adult tantrum, that I don't approve. I have been known to do this also.

lol, I'm still sick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Finally went to the Dr. Sat. Some type of infection, it attacked a gland in my eye on top of everything else. I have a huge red bump on my eye, that would cause my eye to swell almost shut. It's getting smaller now.




No, I haven't read it. I will look into getting it soon.



I did say that "i understand you are upset that she isn't here, that you don't agree with her not being here". I felt the same way. At the same time, I couldn't change what she did and was not going to let it ruin my night. I did not share that The last part that you stated. I started getting angry and dj'ing him.



I have been doing this. He gets even angrier and when I leave the room, he just makes loud statements for me to hear. He starts with the "he can't do anything right" and "everyone does what they want anyways, why bother"



Once he decides he doesn't want to hear what she has to say, he does not let her speak., If she leaves the room, she gets in trouble for walking away from him. I started looking for family counseling for us last night. The communication problems is only going to get worse, as the girls get older, if we can't get it under control now.




CPS and 911 aren't going to work because I think my dh is rude and won't let us speak. Leaving the room works, but again he just starts with the loud comments. Well it works for me, not the girls. He will follow them, continue to berate or discipline them.



You are right others will speak to them that way. My dh will not allow them to have boundaries. He is the father they will do as they are told. They will not walk away from him. I think maybe he somewhat understood part of it last night. We were at the table and my dd4 came and whispered in my ear that she was going to give dh and wet willy. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea. She just giggled. I told dh what she wanted to do and he said that wasn't a good idea right now. She still walked over to him. I said, they think you are playing, they don't know the difference. So many times they have asked you to stop something, but because it was "playing" you didn't stop, so they don't know when to stop. I continued that we needed to learn to respect their no, so that they would also learn to respect others. ALl he said is "you're right"



Dh hasn't worked since I started working. He has had pneumonia the entire time. This isn't a job that would allow him to find another job. This is just something to supplement our income. I won't be able to make the money needed for him to leave where he is at for at least 3 years.

BTE, what about that 123 Magic? That's working great for me over here, thanks for the recommendation!

Why is your daughter in trouble when she cries? At work, if a coworker is upset, they don't get reprimanded, they ask to take the afternoon off, knowing they'll be more productive the next day, right?

How about asking her to go to her room to calm down? I take my kids for a walk, and while they never want to go, by the time we get back, they want to go around the block again.

Edited to add: I just read your post where they're not allowed to walk away. That 123 Magic really explains that whole Talk-Persuade-Aruge-Yell Hit Syndrome, have you explained it to him in a calm moment? What possible positive can come from him berating and they stay and listen? What does he hope to teach them through that? Obedience? How about finding another marker of obedience, like sitting quietly in a movie, instead of sitting quiety while being berated?

Not something dh is enthusiastic about. Quite frankly, and a dj, I think it's too much work. It's so much easer to sit on his thrown and bark orders.


Because she cries anytime we make her do something she doesn't want to do, she doesn't get her way, or she is in trouble. On top of that, she just doesn't cry, she yells/moans.



We do, then she gets louder. I have her go out on the front porch and she gets even louder.

IMO 123 Magic was a heck of a lot of less work from day one than the Talk-Persuade-Aruge-Yell-Hit Syndrome. My H hasn't signed on, either. H says a lot, "Who's going to go first?" So I'm doing all the discipline right now. And I'm enthusiastic about it.

My kids are both criers, too. I sent D10 to her room to cry, and once she vomited. That's why I walk them, if they ever vomit again, it will be on the grass where I can hose it. Walking helps both of them, but they both fight it once in a while and get louder as we get out the door. Then by the time we get past the first few houses, they're fine. I even had to carry D5 once. I think maybe it's the one-on-one time that they know they'll be heard that helps. I ask D10 if she wants to walk alone, and she says she wants me to go with her.

On our walks, I try to go through that HEALS cycle with them, from Stosny's compassionpower.com site. It's an internal process, so maybe it's not intended for talking through with a parent, but it really helps them a lot.

Feel your core hurt. When I ask what's wrong, usually it's "Everybody hates me!"

Feel your core value. "What do you like about yourself?" or "What's the most important thing about you?" or "What do you see that is beautiful?"

Love the other person. My kids don't get upset on their own, usually, unless, they're frustrated that they messed up their homework. For example, if the core hurt was that they never do anything right, I ask them to feel love for themselves. If their hurt was that everyone hates them, I ask them to consider that the other person probably feels like everybody hates them, too. Then they feel comompassion, because they already have stopped being angry.

Solve the problem with the other person. We think of some possible brainstorming ideas. Even if none of these ideas are helpful, they've come to understand that there are solutions, and they feel better.

I agree it is easier. I know that at first, it's difficult, in following through. Being consistant, saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. The kids have had idle threats for so long that they dont' believe anything, so then dh says it doesn't work.



I like the idea, how it works for you. For, me I see it as me being punished also. Why should I have to stop doing whatever it is I"m doing to go on a walk with you. Do as your are told, stop crying and get on with it. If I had to walk with my kids (which they wouldnt do here because its either straight up a hill or straight down a hill, hence sitting on the front porch) or sit on the porch with them, I would become even angrier and resentful of them.

How do you stop from being resentful? From having to interupt whatever it is you are doing?

You know, LA got on me last week about my priorites, and it took a while for it to absorb. To me, my kids are on top. Which is why I have had difficulty being a wife and creating a fulfilling marriage. When my kids need me, I feel so good, like it affirms that they can come to me, that I'm safe. Like maybe I don't like what I accomplished today as a person or as a wife, and I still haven't gotten a job, but look I can take distraught kids and redirect them. Kind of like "parenting the inner child" thing.

For example, it's 5:00, dinner's going, but their homework STILL isn't done and H will be home in an hour and look at what a mess the place is! I can't do anything right, can I? So then, the kids feed off of MY anxiety and start fighting over who gets the nice pencil, it's another jab at my ability as a person, why are we so disorganized that I don't even have two pencils that they can find without my intervention? So I can take the more upset one for a walk, she feels better, I feel reconnected, and now I'm capable to get stuff done again. No resentment there to get over. To me, it's like a shot of core value, good stuff!

So, how to make this work for you? How about brainstorming with them what reconnects them to their core value? That's what the 123 Magic time outs are about, time to cool off. Maybe she needs to get louder to do that, maybe that's okay? Or maybe having something more structured to do in time-outs, like journaling or drawing?

At their karate class, instead of timeout, they do push ups, or run a lap. I think that's what "drop and give me 10" is for, reminding someone that they're strong and powerful. Do you have something like that, like a trampoline?