Wow, BTE, I am so glad that you asked me that, about helping them calm down. I'm really not teaching them how to self-soothe at all, am I? I think I need to go back to the straight time outs!

I forgot to say, too, that the kids really quickly don't get timed out hardly at all. They're usually fine by 1 or 2. So long term, it won't be a lot of investment. Have you read positive discipline, which Happy recommended? I read that years ago when I taught, and I got the new one, it's even better. It's about reinforcing that confidence in yourself that your kids will listen.

Kind of like MB, huh, instead of making the other person come around, instead making yourself someone most people would want to come around for. The 123 Magic and Positive Discipline show you how to be someone that kids will want to connect with through their good behavior.

Gosh, EO, I was just about to post that I think it's GREAT you take the girls for walks and walk them through the HEALS process!! I think you ARE teaching them how to self-soothe by showing them how to do this.

Time outs, while they do give the kids a chance to calm down once they're over the edge, don't help them learn to PREVENT going over the edge, I wouldn't think. The HEALS thing sounds like it is designed to teach you to NOT go over the edge, to respond automatically with your core value BEFORE you totally lose it. So I think it's a great thing to share with the kids!

I've been reading some books about autism, and I took a class on developmental psychology this summer, and I am constantly AMAZED by how much kids have to learn in such a short time, and how much parents have to do to teach them!

No advice, really, just marveling at how amazing kids' brains are, and how much learning they do at such a young age!

BTE, I think you made a great point about respecting your daughters' "no" -- if their no doesn't mean anything, why would they take anyone else's no seriously?

EO~

Stonsy has a book for children on heals. It's called My Good Heart: Drawing the Greatness Inside You

http://www.compassionpower.com/compassionate_parenting.php

I'm sitting here crying from anger. I am so freakin irritated with my dh. Yesterday he got the bright idea that he was going to do ALL of the laundry in the house. He had the entire kitchen and living room floor piled with clothes. THe couch was covered with clean clothes. This was very frustrating for me. I tried to explain to him I would rather do it myself, he insisted he would do it. He asked me to help fold the laundry. I didn't want to help, I was very overwhelmed with what he did. I laid down and took a nap. When I got up I was ready to help some. Becaus eI wanted to. I told him, I would help for a bit, but when I became irritated I would stop.

He dried the girls school clothes which don't get dried. Claimed he didn't know which ones were school clothes. Then why the h*ll are you doing the laundry. He folded and put away their school clothes even though I kept tellin ghim they are not suppsoed to be dried and are to be hung up. I can't find half my clothes because he just shoved them places.

Then i go to work on putting away the rest of the clothes on the couch today and find out that he washed the towel he cleaned up his hair with (after cutting it) with my fleece blankets. Needless to say, his hair is in ALL of them. Now I am just even more angry. I cant' be sick, I can't rest, because then things get all screwed up. I want to call and scream at him, I'm really trying to avoid it. My kitchen is a disaster from him cooking. And I'm just angry as all get out...

BTE, I clicked on the link, and it shows me exactly why I'm fearful of giving advice, why I need to stick to simply sharing my experience, strength, and hope, and ask some good questions. I read on HEALs "Step by step guide to a proven effective emotional regulation technique that, with repetition (an average of 12 minutes daily for six weeks) becomes a habit the brain does automatically." I'd been doing it 12 TIMES a day. Oh, well it's been time well spent I think LOL.

I left to go volunteer in D5's class, and realized that you were talking about stop behavior, and I responded talking about tantrums. Walks are how we deal with over the edge behavior in my house (my own over the edge feelings included).

We deal with stop behavior with time outs, and they don't get upset and holler, because they knew it was coming. And I think, because I'm not upset or hollering.

BTE, can I share how I look at that with that HEALs? Just another perspective, take what you like, leave the rest.

I hear you, it's so frustrating living with someone who does things so differently than you. When there is no communication on how to do something you don't usually do. H has done that before, wash every last piece of clothes the kids pulled out of their drawer, dirty or not, and the sheets, and then put it all on the couch and carpet when I've told him the girls and I have asthma please don't ever put the sheets on the couch or the carpet. It feels so passive aggressive. The DJs, the AOs come so easily at that point.

But the reality is that it is going to be okay. It isn't something that you can't overcome. You are capable. You are powerful. BTE, do you feel it? Do you feel that you can fix it, that it will all be okay, because you are so capable? That you have gotten through this before?

What about your husband? Sure, he doesn't know how to do laundry, and maybe he really should by now. Can you empathize with how frustrated, how incompetent, he might feel that you believe he doesn't even know how to do the wash in your house? The wash, hang/dry, fold, put away? That he's totally at the mercy of someone who's sick and can't do it? Can you see why he'd be reluctant to go ask you?

What's the solution? How about when you all are calm you brainstorm how wash gets done in your house? With a contingency plan if one person is sick?

Thanks for sharing EO! This probably isn't the best time for me to respond. I just went into the fridge and dh put the raw meat in a caulender (sp) and put it on a plate. I told him to stick it in a bowl so it wouldn't spill. Well guess what all the blood came rushing off the plate onto my kitchen my floor. Good think I haven't mopped yet. I will respond anyways, knowing, I can always change my persepctive lol



Fix it? Haven't figured out how to get the hair out yet. I am capable, but I shouldn't have to clean up his mess. Even if I can fix it, I am angry and resentful that I have to fix it.



Ok this is where another site that discusses HeALS gets fruwstrated with me. I really don't care how he feels about it. If he knew he didn't know how to do the laundry, then leave it alone. I have no sympathy for him. He knows from past experience that I would have made sure everyone had what they needed come Monday morning. Now I have my regular stuff to do, plus undo his mess.



I don't see what was wrong with the way it's always been done, I do it. Sick or not, I've managed always have. IF he needs something of his washed, go for it. Mine and the girls stuff is off limits.

Good catch! Not that you need to fix it, that you can have a happy life, anyway, leaving him to fix it as he sees fit.

Why don't you care about how he feels, about you feeling you are the only person capable of doing the girls' laundry? I know lots of spouses with rules like that, don't touch my laundry, and that sounds like a viable solution if both people are okay with it, but what if they're not?

Okay, don't tell LA LOL, but this weekend I took the kids to the pool and I was reading the Positive parenting instead of a marriage or self book. It was too cold to go in, and I would have been embarassed going out to the community pool with You Don't Have To take It Anymore. H came with us, and he even asked me really loud what I was reading. He was brave enough to go in the water LOL. My point was that the book mentions, in terms of kids problems, that sometimes you have to heal the relationship first, and then work on problem-solving later. What do you think?

And while I'm here! ((((BTE))))

Right now I have 4 blankets covered in his hair. Everytime I see them I get irritated. These are blankets that we use on a regular basis. One of them belongs on dd4's bed. I don't have the time to wait for him to fix it as he sees fit. And there is no real guarantee that he will fix it.



Why don't I care about the way he feels? Because there is nothing I can do about it. His feelings are his. Just because he feels one way about something, doesn't mean it will change the way I feel.


Like LA said a couple of posts back, I am at one of my lowest points in almost a year. I will fight back out of it, I know I will. I am just once again, questioning my marriage.

Hey BTE,

You know, the author of Passionate Marriage says that, when people say they aren't happy with their marriage, what they usually mean is, "I'm not happy with myself in this relationship."

Just wondering if that might apply to how you're feeling now?

Sure sounds like you're being pretty hard on your H, almost like you're setting him up to fail. Last week (I think?), you wrote that he was sick and just wanted to lie on the couch and have everyone tiptoe around him, and then this weekend, he decides to try to help out by doing laundry, and you're not happy about that either, he should have just let you do it. Sounds to me like the poor guy can't win!

When he decided to do all the laundry, where were you? Did you know that's what he was doing? Did you tell him that the girls' school clothes aren't supposed to go in the dryer? Did you tell him up front that you preferred for him not to do your laundry?

What is it about the laundry that upsets you so much? Why does it bother you that his hair is on the blankets? Why is this so important to you?

(((BTE)))

I didn't mind him not doing anything while he was sick. I didn't like that he wanted to be in the main room of the house but wanted everyone else to be quiet.



When he first started separating laundry I was in bed. I got up saw what he was doing. Stated multiple times I wish he wouldn't do it, that he was making a bigger mess, and itw as very overwhelmind for me. I told him MULTIPLE times that the girls clothes don't get dried and they get hung up. When I watched him put some of the girls clothes in the dryer, I repeated it, that's when he said he doesn't know what is school clothes or not. I told him upfront that I prefer he doesn't do the laundry that I would take care of it. He wanted to do it anyways. I continued to remind him to check pockets, my work clothes don't get dried, etc..



What upsets me is that I have to go back wash things over again (extra money) and have to go looking for clothes (time I don't have). In my opinion, to have hair all over blankets is just NASTY! One of the blankets is the cover for our air mattress that guests sleep on. I would not want to sleep on someone elses hair, I would not want anyone else have to do it. One blanket belongs on dd4's bed, which means the hair will probably end up all over her other sheets and her pj's. The other two blankets are ones we use to cover on the couch. So, his hair will end up everywhere. The blanket that he actually used to clean up his hair after cutting it (not sure why he used a blanket) is one of dd7's baby blankets.

he sent me an email asking why i feel the way I do. Said he thought things were getting better because we don't argue as much. WE don't argue as much because I have withdrawn. I sent him back the following response.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~While you were sick, I realized how peaceful it was just to take the girls by myself. I didn't have to listen to the three of you arguing. I didn't have to worry about making sure you were happy. It really dawned on me how miserable I was Halloween night. You just kept going on and on about M. So much negativity. I understand she hsould have been there, she wasn't. I coudn't change that. I made the best of it. You just kept going on. I am really tired of the girls and I not being able to speak our mind. If you don't want to hear it, we can't speak. Especially the girls. Everytime you cut them off, talk down to them, don't listen when they say stop, etc you are teaching them it's ok for men to treat them like that. You have the biggest impact on their lives and the type of men they will choose to be with. They will look for a man that treats them the way you do. Sure, you take care of them You provide for them wonderfully, but you walk all over them. I know I am not the best mom to them, I have been and still am working on it. Unfortunately, when yoou treat them poorly, I feel like I can't choose them over you, we hve to be united, and I choose to treat them poorly also. That's why last Friday night, when you were sick, instead of yelling at them for bothering you, I decided to take them out. Get them away from the situation. I suppose I will have to do that more often, so that I can prevent myself from treating them poorly also~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing more of your thoughts with me!


Hm. Wonder why he wanted to do it so badly, even after you asked him not to. Do you know?


I don't see why you have to wash things over again, although I definitely see why you're frustrated that you can't find things. I'm also a little confused about the hair on the blankets? Why do you think it's gross? And doesn't hair end up on things anyway? I have long, curly hair that seems to be shedding constantly -- my hair ends up all over our house, on the blankets, the floor, the sofa, my clothes, H's clothes.... Can't get rid of it! And I find H's hair on stuff too, although he always says it must be mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm just wondering why this is so upsetting to you. Inconvenient, absolutely. Irritating, sure. I understand that. We've had laundry issues at our house, too! I'm just wondering if there's more to it than the laundry, if there's something else going on?


And you replied and told him all the ways he has screwed up, and said you liked it better when he was sick and you didn't have to deal with him?

Ouch!

Why are you at such a low point, do you think? What triggered this, do you know?

(((BTE)))

He wanted to help.



Ok the blankets are COVERED in hair. Dh had about two weeks of growth on his head and beard he cut it, it got spread around blankets. It ends up in your mouth, and all over. I just don't like it. I am really really picky about hair. If someone is visiting or the girls leave hair on the soap in the shower, I will get new soap. I can't stand it. I have two dogs. Most people don't know I have them, because I am very particular about hair all over the place. One piece of hair here and there, It might not be so bad, that happens, but when things are coated in it, they are a deal buster for me.



I probably could have worded it better. He called twice asking, then started emailing me asking me. I told him my truth. Didn't say I liked it better when he was sick. I liked doing things with the girls without him there. i don't have to listen to them constantly fight, watch him pick on them, etc.



No, I don't know. Partly realizing that I keep staying in a marriage that I should have left from the beginning, thinking it will be different. Not protecting my children because I feel I have to side with dh.

I dont think you should. I think you should face him, and tell him, "you said you wanted to do the laundry. you refused my help or advice on how to do it. So please finish the job you started, and take care of all this hair, since you said that you were going to take care of it"

OK, I get it -- the blankets are covered in hair, and that grosses you out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I like Techie's suggestion, to ask H to deal with the problem, since he created it.

I though your H was trying to be helpful by doing the laundry. It does seem interesting that he insisted on doing it even after you asked him not to. You sure didn't perceive that as being helpful, so I wonder why he did it?

As far as you never should have gotten married in the first place... Well, I think most of us never should have gotten married. LOL. We were all too young, too insecure, too controlling, too immature, too addicted to work/alcohol/whathave you, had too many issues, didn't know how to communicate, had no boundaries, etc.

I'm starting to believe that one of the beautiful things about marriage is that you pick this person you thought was perfect, come to the unpleasant realization that he/she's not perfect after all, and furthermore, he/she thinks YOU are not perfect, either, and then you realize that the things this person wants from you are things you want from yourself, too -- and you can choose to slowly start to grow, as your spouse might also begin to do. It's an amazing process, truly a lifelong journey you take together.

So if you think you shouldn't have gotten married, well, then, I think you married exactly the right person! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why did you get married, do you remember? Why did you choose your H?

As far as not protecting the girls from him, that certainly seems like the sort of thing you can choose to do something about, if you want. I liked LA's suggestions about teaching the girls what to do in that kind of situation. Or does the Compassion Power stuff have other suggestions?

How are things going today, BTE?

Hugs!
HTBH

Sorry I never made it back. Things have been busy lately. Soccer is finally over. I have a long term sub position teaching World History in High School. I absolutely love it. I am able to drop the girls off at school, go to work, and I make it back home before they get off the bus. Not sure how long it will last but I will enjoy it while I can.

My dd7 turns 8 Dec. 3. We are having a party at the skating rink on the 2nd.

Update on the blankets. They are still sitting where I left them. He hasn't touched them at all. Very frustrating, not surprising though. I am probably just going to buy new blankets this weekend. One of them is a cover for our air mattress, not sure it can be replaced.



He was everything, my oldest daughters Dad wasn't. He had a full time job,had goals. We had the same interests. I really loved him (still do). He was so sweet and caring, nurturing, loving. But he was also lying to me the whole time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What do you mean he was lying to you? Misrepresenting himself as helpful, caring, etc?

No. He asked me to marry him. The entire time he was still talking to his ex-fiance, trying to win her back. Pronouncing his love for her. I found phone bills after we were married where he would talk to me and as soon as he was done he would call her. He was late picking me up from the airport the day we got married because he was on the computer talking with her calling her Mrs (his last name). How she is one and only true love.

Please understand, we have worked past that part of our marriage. It is no longer an issue. If and when I am triggered from or about it, I am able to talk to him openly and work through it.

I haven't been around lately. I stop in and read here and there. I have found when I spend a lot of time here reading, I become down and depressed. I project a lot of it on my marriage and it's not healthy.

I got accepted into grad school. I am only taking one class the first semester, it starts next Sat. I also passed my first test towards teacher certification.

We are have A LOT of problems with dd8 lately. She is very angry about something and we can't figre it out. She hates everything, is disrespectful and defiant about 90% of the time. WE go to court on Jan 24th for the adoption to be finalized.

My marriage has it's ups and downs. We seem to work through them, or get over them, not sure what it is. I'm learning to give him space and time to work through his stuff instead of trying to fix it and make it better for him. WHile doing that though, he said he feels ignored, so I'm trying to find the balance, of being there for him, but not being a fixer. Not easy, but I will continue to work on it.

BTE, I can really relate to this. There so many areas where H and I have had no resolution, and to read someone write about one of those as their presenting condition, I can really feel hopeless. I really feel like I have a plan now, though, and if what someone is posting about is something that I didn't plan to look at this week, I just hope that I'll remember what insight was given for when I am ready to tackle that. It's okay for me to choose not to bite off more than I can chew.

Awesome! (((BTE)))

I'm sorry to hear about the problems with DD8. What is your plan of attack? W8ing said that counseling to help them blend their families proved really valuable.

That sounds great, learning to be supportive of your H emotionally without taking on his problems as your own. Sounds very Separate and Equal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />